by Isabel Morin
They were sitting in a coffee shop near the club in Fort Worth for a pre-show print interview. Beth only went along on interviews in order to jump in if a reporter got too invasive. Stu thought it was better to have someone else tell a reporter to back off, and Jesse had learned the hard way that Stu was right. If you pissed off a reporter, you’d sure as hell see it in their write-up.
Beth always sat nearby and worked with one ear tuned to the interview. There’d been a couple of occasions when she’d jumped in after a reporter had asked about women or drugs on the road, but that had been the extent of her involvement.
“Maybe you’re not officially in the band,” the reporter pushed on, “but you’ve been traveling with them for weeks now. There’s speculation that the two of you are an item. Care to comment?”
“We sing a couple of songs together,” Beth said, her tone civil but not much more. “It’s nothing more than that.”
“You have great chemistry on stage. Fans are curious about whether that extends backstage, too.”
A flush was spreading up her neck and coloring her cheeks. She looked…embarrassed, angry? He wasn’t sure, but it was clear enough she was unhappy.
“Beth started singing as a favor to me,” he said, hoping to turn the attention away from her. “I wanted to work on some songs before I went into the studio.”
“The audience seems to love her. Anything thoughts of keeping her on?”
He hadn’t expected that.
“Well, no. She’s got other things she wants to do. This was more of a time-out for her.”
The reporter was taking this all down in some sort of shorthand Jesse couldn’t decipher.
“Ah, so the two of you will be parting soon, is that it?”
Jesse stood up. “I think we’re finished here,” he said, doing his best to tamp down his anger.
“Wait, I was just–”
But Jesse was done. It was bad enough he had to sit through these things. He wasn’t going to put Beth through it, too.
Beth closed her laptop and stood up. “You can email either myself or Stu MIrsky if you have any further questions,” Beth said. She slung her laptop over her shoulder. “Enjoy the show.”
“Well, that was fun,” Jesse said once they were out on the sidewalk.
Beth smiled briefly but didn’t say anything. She’d been quiet all day. In fact, she’d been oddly quiet the last few days. Nothing he could put his finger on, really. Just a little quieter, more withdrawn. Less there. The connection he’d felt with her was evaporating and he didn’t know what to do about it. The only time he felt it now was onstage.
Was she tired of the tour, tired of him? He couldn’t tell and was afraid to ask. All he knew was he was losing her even sooner than he’d expected, and he’d never really had her in the first place.
They split up back at the club. She no longer needed to rehearse her two songs, so she took care of all her usual tasks while they ran through soundcheck. He caught up with her afterwards as she finished setting up the merch table.
“Want to try that Thai place we saw near the coffee shop?” he asked.
“You guys go ahead. I have some stuff I want to take care of.”
“Oh, okay. We’ll catch up with you later then,” he said, trying not to show how his heart sank.
He drank a little more than usual in an effort to take his mind off Beth, but his frustration was still simmering when he went on. As usual he looked for her, but seeing her tonight didn’t ground him like it usually did. Instead he felt like an open circuit, all his energy rushing out into nothing.
He was in the middle of a song when he glanced her way again and saw her trying to shake off some guy. Keeping his eyes on them as he played, he watched her shake her head, frowning as she took a step back. The guy lurched toward her, obviously drunk, and grabbed her arm.
She was struggling now, trying to pull away without any success, her expression something between fear and disgust.
Jesse stopped playing.
“Hey, take your hands off her, motherfucker,” he yelled, walking to the edge of the stage.
The crowd fell silent as the band came to a ragged stop behind him.
“Fuck you, asshole,” the guy yelled back, his hand still on Beth’s arm.
Jesse jumped off the stage and into the crowd. People drew back, but he saw only Beth as he made his way to her. The guy who’d grabbed her was about his own height and weight, but he didn’t seem to be expecting his right hook.
The guy stumbled and went down like a sack of potatoes. Jesse stood over him, his heartbeat pounding in his ears, and waited to see if he’d get up. He kind of hoped he would because he really wanted to pound on something. But the guy just blinked up at him, as if unsure why he was on the floor, and then the bouncers finally arrived and dragged him away.
Beth was staring at him like he’d lost his mind.
“You okay?” he asked her, his breathing fast and heavy.
“You’re crazy,” she said, giving him a push on the shoulder. “Get back up there and finish your show.”
“Answer me first.”
“Yes, I’m fine. Don’t worry about me.”
He hesitated, but the entire room was looking at them, and the buzz of conversation had risen to a roar.
“Dude, that was awesome,” he heard someone say as he made his way back to the stage.
Matt was staring at him, either impressed or appalled, he couldn’t tell which. “Holy shit, Jesse. That was insane.”
He picked up his guitar and turned back to the crowd. “What do you say we take that last one from the top?” he said, all easy-like.
As if he weren’t still high on adrenaline. Not to mention rage, lust, and every other damn thing.
His voice and playing were as raw as his nerves the rest of the set. Whenever he looked over at Beth her eyes were on him, her expression one he’d never seen before. He couldn’t tell if it was one of pleasure or misery.
“I can’t fucking believe you did that,” Stu spat, storming toward him the second he came off stage for intermission. “What if you’d broken your hand?”
“My hand’s fine,” Jesse said, ignoring the throbbing in his knuckles. He was lucky he hadn’t broken anything. “What was I supposed to do? Stand there and watch some guy maul her? Anyway, people think it was cool.”
“Fuck cool. That guy could sue us. They have bouncers to deal with that shit, you know.”
“They took too long.”
Stu stared at him, his eyes bulging out of his head. “This isn’t one of those dives you used to play with Buddy’s band. This is a nice place, Jesse. We can’t afford for you to get a reputation now.”
“Just let it go, Stu.”
A vein throbbed in Stu’s forehead. Never a good sign.
“You want me to let it go? Ask the fucking internet to let it go. Someone’s already posted video of you beating up one of your own fans.”
Hmm. he hadn’t thought of that. That wasn’t great.
“Okay, I admit that’s not ideal, but it’s over and done with. Besides, this is rock ’n roll. People have done a lot worse.”
More glaring from Stu.
“Can we talk about this later? I need a drink.”
Stu’s nostrils flared and he took a couple of deep breaths before turning and stalking away.
The guys looked up as he entered the back room.
“I can’t believe I’m saying this, but maybe you should just sleep with her,” Matt said. “It’d be better than beating people up.”
Jesse drank an entire bottle of water and collapsed onto one of the couches. Still he said nothing, because he and Beth were not open for discussion. Though he couldn’t agree more. Then again, he’d have punched the guy even if he were sleeping with Beth.
And even after that whole scene, she was still out there, selling their shit. What if some other asshole bothered her?
He grabbed a beer to settle his nerves and noodled around on his guitar, pick
ing out the new song he’d been working on. Another duet, this one about wanting someone you couldn’t have. There was no hiding the inspiration behind “In Another Life,” which meant he couldn’t ask Beth to sing it with him. But even as he wrote it he imagined her voice, imagined her sitting beside him as they tried different arrangements.
If he couldn’t have her, couldn’t he at least have that?
***
People came to the table during intermission and looked at her with wide-eyed curiosity. A few asked if she was all right. No one seemed to think badly of Jesse, thank goodness. As to what she thought…she was still stunned by the sight of him charging through the crowd in her defense. She’d never seen him that angry, never seen him violent, though apparently he’d gone after Will that day in Missoula.
He shouldn’t have punched the guy. It had been unnecessary and not great PR, but worse than that was the way it shattered the calm shell she’d been trying to create. She’d taken a step back, just enough to give her distance and allow her some self-preservation. But Jesse kept breaking through and making her feel too much.
The shows were another thing. Up on stage she didn’t hide anything. There was no room for it, and it felt too good to give herself over to his songs.
Jesse was always changing the set list, and tonight he called her up more than halfway through the second set. The crowd was ecstatic, their hair wet with sweat, bodies swaying, voices hoarse from hollering their approval. The knowledge that the night was almost over seemed to fuel them to even greater heights.
Beth was ready to join in again, to step into all that heat and energy, burn off the need she’d felt ever since Jesse came storming over and laid that guy flat out for her.
Once she was on stage she wanted it to go on forever, wanted to wrap herself in the music and let it keep her in that perfect spot, that perfect feeling. Next to Jesse, where they could take what they had together to the highest point possible, experience everything in those songs it was possible to feel. The way they couldn’t offstage.
But her part in his life was small, as was her part in each show. After the second song she walked off and went backstage. Tonight she wasn’t up to watching him from the wings. Instead she made her way to a storage area in the back and called her mother.
“Beth, honey.”
“Hi, Mom.”
“Did you get my message? Are you coming home for Thanksgiving?”
“Of course I’ll be there. I’m always there.”
“I just wanted to be sure. How are things? Any luck with the job hunt?”
As usual she cringed at having to lie to her mother. At least that wouldn’t last much longer.
“Not yet, but I’ve got enough savings to tide me over. I’m thinking about trying something a bit different.”
“Like what?”
“It’s another area of accounting,” she said. She didn’t really feel like explaining what a business manager for artists was. “But I think it’d be interesting. I just need to find out the best way to get into it.”
Her mother sounded relieved that she wasn’t making a big change. She and her father always advised caution, the need to think things through and not act spontaneously. That’s when you made mistakes, did things you later regretted.
They spent the rest of the conversation talking about people Beth knew in Gulliver. By the time she got off the phone the audience was clapping for an encore.
Just one more gig in Austin and it was over. Maybe it was stupid to be trying to avoid the pain that was coming her way. Soon she wouldn’t have any of it. Even so she stayed hidden in the bathroom and listened to the band come off stage and head down to the green room. She stayed there until the whole building had quieted, and when she finally emerged she found Stu making sales to a few last customers.
Stu looked up, obviously relieved to see her. By the time they finished tallying sales and packing everything up the only people left were them and the staff sweeping the floors.
“Everyone’s gone to the bar down the block,” Stu said. “You going?”
“Probably not,” she said. “But you go ahead, I can finish up here.”
Stu started to protest but she waved him off. “If you take care of those,” she said, gesturing to a couple of cartons, “I can handle the rest.”
Stu acquiesced and headed out to the van with his arms full.
It didn’t take her long to finish up, but she still wasn’t sure whether she was up to going to the bar. Her head wasn’t in the right space for partying, but neither did she want to head back to the hotel. She was far too restless to call it a night, and too scared to do what she really wanted.
She’d just put the last two boxes in the car and closed the door when she heard the scuff of feet on concrete.
She turned around to find Jesse, looking pissed. He was in a fresh t-shirt and had obviously cleaned up, but he looked no more civilized for it.
“What the hell are you doing out here all alone?”
“What are you talking about?”
“It’s after midnight and you’re alone in a goddamn parking lot. What the hell was Stu thinking?”
“I’m fine, Jesse. You don’t need to worry about me.”
He was keyed up, probably from the fight as much as from the show. She could see it in the set of his shoulders. Usually he was all loose cowboy, but at the moment he looked dangerous.
“You have no idea who might have given you trouble out here.”
They were all alone, it was late, and the way he was looking at her stirred up every feeling she’d been trying so hard to bury. Whatever was running through Jesse was running through her too, and it made her careless. Or maybe she was just done being careful.
“Right now I just see you.”
He stared at her for several long seconds, his chest heaving. Then he came toward her. She backed up as he pressed in, her breath catching as she bumped up against the car. He braced a hand on either side of her head and stared at her, his eyes dropping to her lips.
“Don’t push me, honey.” His voice was tense, stripped raw from singing and tight with need. “I’ve had about as much as I can take.”
She watched him want her, felt him grow hard against her belly. Sweat broke out across her breasts and neck, her lower back. She was shaking. Maybe it was from holding herself back, or for not knowing how to ask for what she wanted.
She closed her eyes for several long moments, desire warring with the doubt she’d grown so accustomed to. She couldn’t do this, but she couldn’t turn away, either. Every day she’d been on tour with him, every note they’d sung together had been leading to this. Maybe it was time she stopped running from it.
She tipped her hips into his and cupped his face in her palms, heard his breath catch as she took his mouth.
God, his mouth. It was sin itself. She brushed her lips over his, loving the scrape of his jaw against her smoother skin. She licked into him, finding her way hesitantly at first, but the groan that tore from him made her bolder. In moments she was stroking deep, tasting him, hungry for everything he had.
A shudder ran through his body, and then his hands were on her ass as he stepped between her thighs. She was wearing a skirt tonight, thank the sweet lord, and he slid it higher so that his jeans rubbed the tender skin of her inner thighs. He rolled into her, letting her feel how much he wanted her, and she was instantly so wet he could have had her then and there.
He took over, took the kiss deeper, slower, tasting and withdrawing in a rhythm so carnal she arched against him and moaned. His mouth moved down her throat, licked at the hollow before dropping down to close over a tight peak.
Pushing his t-shirt up she dragged her nails lightly back down. In answer his hand sank into her hips and he thrust into her. Again and again he moved against her, the movement so sexual and yet so far from actual sex she wanted to scream.
“Please, Jesse,” she begged him, writhing against him.
“That’s right, honey,”
he rasped, his mouth back at her ear. He still held her with his hips, but he’d stopped moving. “Beg me for it. Show me how much you want it.”
She bit his shoulder, dug her fingers into his ass.
His laugh was dark and pleased as he pulled away, the cool night air cool on her heated skin. She started to protest only to be stopped breathless by his hand skimming over her thigh, pushing her skirt back up.
“You need something?” he whispered, his fingers finding the soaking wet placket of her underwear. He groaned as she bucked against his hand and he slid over her slow and then a little faster. She would have given anything for him to touch her without any barriers between them.
“More, Jesse.”
Her hands were fisted in his shirt and she couldn’t take her eyes off the look on his face as he watched his own hand slide over her. She held her breath as he moved higher and slipped inside. His breath hissed as he stroked over her swollen folds, finding her clit with a calloused fingertip.
“You want me to make you come, honey?” he whispered, his finger stroking, stroking, paying attention to her sounds and adjusting to what she liked.
“Yes, God, yes.”
“I want that, too. I’ve wanted that forever.”
She was getting close, the circle of pleasure getting tighter, more focused.
The slam of a door jolted her out of her spiral. Jesse pulled his hand away and turned around, shielding her from view. They watched as the club’s manager came out the back door and walked to his car on the other side of the lot.
Jesse turned around and looked at her. “I’m taking you back to the hotel.”
“But what about Stu and –”
“Are you trying to kill me?” he asked her.
“I’ll drive,” she said, opening the driver’s side door. “I know for a fact there’s no more blood left in your brain.”
He slid into the car and she pulled out of the lot, grateful she had the steering wheel to grip. She risked a look at him, but he was staring out the side window. She reached out and put a hand on his thigh and he jumped an inch off the seat.
“Sorry, I just thought…”
“The second we’re inside that room I want you naked. Can you do that for me?”