by Isabel Morin
Backstage she checked in with Jesse to make sure she knew when she’d be singing, then found Stu to check if he needed her for anything.
“I don’t want you back out here after you sing tonight,” he said. “I’ll take over when you go up, and you can wait backstage until the end of the show.”
Her stomach turned over. “What? Why?”
“It doesn’t make sense for people to see the woman performing with Jesse selling them t-shirts.”
“Maybe I should stop singing then. I mean you hired me to–”
“Forget it. You two sound good up there. Besides, Jesse would go ballistic.”
“But you hate the merch table.”
“It’s only for another week. Besides, you’re still in charge of inventory, set-up, and counting it up at the end of the night.”
Obviously it didn’t make sense to argue anymore, and she could see his point. In any case, she still had work to do. She headed toward the green room, peeking over her shoulder one last time to see her friends. They were at the bar ordering drinks, all four smiling, clearly enjoying themselves.
She was installed at the table when the opening act went on. She had a great spot with a clear view to the stage, and she was closer than she usually was, which meant Jesse would be able to find her easily. She didn’t like admitting even to herself how those looks he sent her while he played made her feel. But it was all part of the high she felt during the shows, part of the connection they had.
She made a bunch of sales, but the crowd evaporated when the band came on and launched into their first song. It was a good crowd tonight, exuberant but polite. Jesse liked rowdy crowds though, so he worked them up until they were yelling and whistling for more. By the third song Cheryl and her friends were out of their seats and in the middle of a writhing mass of bodies, their eyes fixed on the stage.
When they played the song right before she went on she quietly sang some scales and tried to empty her mind of everything but what she was singing. Usually she hated making her way through the crowd, knowing so many pairs of eyes were on her, but tonight she was too busy looking for Cheryl and laughing at the way her friend whistled and cat-called. As usual, Jesse treated her like she was some honored guest, meeting her at the stairs to take her hand.
As soon as she was up there with him everything else melted away and it was just the two of them, their voices blending into one. They sang the new song first, and after only a few bars the whole crowd was clapping along, shouting their approval. Before long she was feeling so loose and sure of herself she started to dance, and then before she knew what was happening Jesse had taken her hand and twirled her around until she was right next to him, singing into his microphone.
She was conscious of the audience’s roar of approval as she looked out into the sea of rapt faces, and then she found Cheryl, Jason, Cutter and Emily, all of them smiling and dancing like they were having the time of their lives.
Jesse was giving it his all, paying for it with the blood that dripped off his knuckles and the sweat running down his cheeks. It pulled something out of her she wouldn’t have known she had. She held nothing back, she’d learned that from him, and whereas in another life putting herself on the line would have been terrifying, nothing had ever felt better.
The crowd was going wild but settled down when the mellower notes of “Better Off” started. She’d sung the love song many times now, but something was different tonight. She stood there singing to Jesse, but this time she wasn’t just delivering the song. She realized as she stood there inches from him, still singing into his mic, sharing his breath, his air, that she meant every word of the lyrics he’d written. It had become her truth.
She was in love with him.
The knowledge washed over her like a wave of pure sound. She shut her eyes for a moment, but there was no stopping it. It flowed through her with the music and the warmth of the lights, the warmth she saw in Jesse’s smile when she opened her eyes again.
So she let it come, too wide open to fight it there on the stage in front of everyone. But she felt tears prick the back of her eyes when the song ended and he kissed her hand, sending her away.
She walked off stage and straight to the bathroom where she stared at herself in the mirror, dumbstruck. She loved him. She loved Jesse Rhodes, a man who could never be hers, would always be everyone else’s. It was crazy and it was one-sided, but it was real.
She leaned against the sink, wrung out, not just from the revelation, but from the energy expended on stage. How Jesse played an entire show every night without flagging was a mystery. But it was that energy of his, a current that ran deep and strong, that pulled her in. Pulled her under.
So it was fine, she could handle this. As long as Jesse never found out.
She was backstage by the time they finished their encore and the lights came up, the band filing past her. Everything looked just a little different, like the world had tilted one degree on its axis. Even her body felt lighter, less substantial.
“Nice job, guys” she said, trying to be normal, to ground herself in the usual things.
Jesse was the last one off stage, and his attention was all on her despite people shouting his name from the other side of the curtain.
“That was amazing,” he said, pulling her toward him. “Something happened out there. Did you feel it?”
She could feel how amped he was. You could have powered the whole city off the energy radiating from him. What would it be like to have all that energy pouring into her?
She smiled. “Yeah, I felt it.” She pulled her hand away from his, stepping back. “I’d better go grab my friends.”
“Oh, right. You’re going to bring them backstage, right?”
“If that’s okay.”
“Of course. I want to meet them.”
The four of them were standing together, their excitement palpable. As soon as Cheryl spotted her she ran at Beth with a shriek, nearly knocking her over as she threw her arms around her.
“Oh my God. That was incredible. You were amazing. Wasn’t she amazing?” Cheryl asked, turning to the others. “I couldn’t even believe it,” she went on before anyone could say a word. “I almost peed my pants when you started to sing.”
Beth could only laugh at Cheryl’s exuberance. “I’m glad you liked it.”
“I didn’t just like it. I’m trying to tell you something here. I was floored. All this time you’ve been living this quiet life, and you had this…this inner rock goddess in you.”
“I think that might be a slight exaggeration. I mean, I did all right, but Jesse would make anyone look good.”
Cheryl squeezed her arm, her expression mutinous. “The hell with that. You make him look good.”
“She’s right,” Jason said. “You were spectacular. It’s a whole other side of you I didn’t know about. But then, I haven’t known you for long.”
“Well I have, and I didn’t know it was there, either.” Cheryl was looking at Beth with narrowed eyes, assessing her.
Did she see something different?
Emily grabbed her in a fierce hug. “Not everyone can do what you do,” she said. She spoke low, just for Beth. “Whatever it means to you, just make sure you don’t undervalue it.”
She wasn’t sure what to say to that. Emily had been a professional ballet dancer and she was a tough critic. She didn’t give praise lightly, which made her comment all the more striking.
“The show rocked,” Cutter said. “No wonder I’m suddenly hearing him all over the place. That guy’s going places.”
There was that bittersweet pang she’d been feeling this past week, only now it was more of an ache. But she wasn’t going to think about all that now. Maybe there wasn’t even much to think about. Her feelings had grown and changed, but nothing else needed to change. She’d enjoy herself and finish out the tour, and she’d appreciate every moment of it.
Right now, she was going to enjoy the fact that her friends were in town and she wa
s going to show them a good time. They helped her pack up the table and Jason and Cutter insisted on carrying all the boxes, so she was finished in no time. The routine tasks helped bring her back into herself, and by the time they were done, she no longer felt in danger of being blown into the ether.
Both bands, along with a bunch of their friends and people she didn’t know, were already deep into party mode in the green room. As usual Jesse was surrounded by half a dozen people, but the second Beth and her friends entered the room he came over to greet them. Beth made the introductions, her heart picking up speed. She needed her friends to like him, to see some of what she saw.
“This is Cheryl, Jason, Emily and Cutter.”
Jesse shook hands all around, then turned back to Cheryl. “So you’ve known Beth since she was a little girl, huh? What did you think of her tonight?”
“I thought she was perfect, and you’re lucky to have gotten her so cheap.”
Jesse threw back his head and laughed. “Right on both counts,” he said, looking at Beth with a little smile.
“We’ll discuss payment later,” Beth said. “Let’s get these guys a drink.”
Cutter, Jason and Jesse got talking about places they’d all been, and before long they were so involved, they barely noticed when Emily, Cheryl and Beth moved away.
The second they were out of earshot Emily turned to Beth. “You have some serious willpower. If I was traveling with that man, I’m not sure I’d have the strength of character you have.”
“It wasn’t quite so hard at first, not when I saw women throwing themselves at him. He could sleep with a different woman every night if he wanted.”
“Does he?” Cheryl asked.
“Not lately, I don’t think. He slept with someone the first night I was on tour, but I haven’t seen him with anyone else. He’s kind of made a point of telling me he hasn’t, but we’re not sleeping together, so there’s no reason for him not to.”
“That man looks at you like you mean something,” Cheryl said.
“What are you talking about?”
Cheryl rolled her eyes and looked at Emily, as if for help. “Am I wrong about this?”
“No. If I had to bet money, I’d say he’s nuts about her.”
Beth’s heart slammed into her chest, but she didn’t let on. What did they know, anyway? They were just suffering the effects of Jesse’s mortal hotness. She couldn’t let herself fall into some silly fantasy. It was one thing to acknowledge her love for him. It was another to believe he returned it.
“Guys, you’ve seen us together for like, five minutes.”
“We also saw you together on stage. Now I understand what all the buzz is about on Twitter.”
“Oh my God,” Beth groaned. “You do not read all that stuff.”
“How else am I supposed to know what’s going on with you?” Cheryl said. “You barely call anymore.”
“We’re getting off topic here,” Emily interjected. “I agree that Jesse has the hots for you. Maybe more than the hots. He watches you when you’re not looking.”
“He does?”
“He does,” Cheryl said with a firm nod. “That man is yearning.”
“That’s…interesting,” Beth said, wishing she were near a chair. “I mean I know he has the hots for me. He hasn’t been shy about that. And obviously we like each other. We have a great time together…” It was on the tip of her tongue to tell them she loved him, but she couldn’t, not in the middle of so many people. “It doesn’t matter,” she said, shaking her head to clear it. “Getting involved with Jesse isn’t part of the plan.”
“What plan is that?” Emily asked.
“To find a man I can trust and a life that I choose.”
“That’s a good plan,” Emily said, her hand on Beth’s arm. “Just because a man wants you doesn’t mean he gets to have you.”
“Agreed,” Cheryl said. “I just want you to be happy, and you seem happier than I’ve ever seen you. You’re… radiant. I mean, you were always gorgeous, but it’s like you’ve stopped hiding your light under a rock.” She tipped her head and looked at Beth with a whimsical smile. “Whatever it is that’s making you so happy, I want you to have it.”
Tears sprung to Beth’s eyes without warning. “That’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me,” she said, bending down to give her friend a fierce hug.
Then Emily was hugging her too and the three of them were laughing and hugging, nearly falling over in the process.
“Wow, are they drunk already?”
It was Jason, with Cutter and Jesse right behind him.
“Could you take a picture of us, babe?” Cheryl asked, handing Jason her phone.
Beth stood with an arm around Emily and Cheryl and smiled for the camera. “Now one with all of you and Jesse,” she ordered. “Someday he’ll be a big rock star and you’ll get to show this to your children.”
“What do you mean, someday?” Jesse asked, mock offended.
Beth took the photo, conscious the whole time of Jesse’s warm gaze on her. Was that the look Emily and Cheryl were talking about?
“Now one with just me and Beth,” Jesse said, pulling her close.
Beth smiled and put her arm around his waist, praying she wasn’t completely transparent. Even being in a crowd of people didn’t stop the awareness that flooded through her.
It was easier to keep her expectations at bay if she thought his interest in her was purely sexual. But what if it was more than that for him? Did that even matter? It didn’t change the fact that in a week he’d be gone from her life completely.
Until now she’d thought of Jesse only as a bad choice, maybe even a dangerous one. But there was no denying that she was happy around him, happier than she remembered being with anyone else. What a strange twist of fate to be happiest around someone who could only make her miserable.
Cheryl took the picture, but Jesse’s arm stayed right where it was.
“Do you mind if I steal Beth for a minute?” he asked. “I want to introduce her to a few folks.”
Cheryl and Emily exchanged meaningful looks.
“Of course not,” Cheryl said.
“Help yourself to another drink,” Jesse told them, his arm slipping from Beth’s shoulders so he could grab her hand. “I’ll bring her right back.”
It was only as she walked away with her hand in Jesse’s that she realized none of this was out of the ordinary. He always threw his arm around her or touched her in some way. He smiled and joked with her, introduced her to his friends. She’d just gotten so used to it she hadn’t thought much about what it looked like to other people.
She was still thinking about everything Cheryl and Emily had said a little later when she circled back to where her friends sat on one of the couches. Cheryl was perched on Jason’s lap, her head tucked into his neck, and Emily leaned drunkenly against Cutter and gave a delicate yawn.
“You guys look beat,” Beth said, smiling down at them.
“It’s after two. We can’t all be rock stars,” Cheryl mumbled.
“Excuse me? You two were strippers. Are you telling me you can’t outlast me now?”
“‘Were’ being the operative word,” Jason said. “This one’s in bed by ten every night.”
“You’ve officially out-paced us,” Emily pronounced. She sat up and stretched her arms over her head, even that simple gesture graceful. “I’d better get some sleep, too. I teach class tomorrow afternoon. You can’t be sleep-deprived around ten-year-olds.”
Jason scooped Cheryl up and set her on her feet as he stood. Cutter steadied Emily when she stumbled against him. The four of them were a study in full-hearted, committed love, and her chest squeezed once in painful recognition that whatever Jesse felt for her, it wasn’t this.
She walked them out to Jason’s car. “You know how to get to the hotel?”
“Yeah, we’re good,” Cutter said, opening the car door for Emily. “It’s just down the street.”
“I’m
so glad you guys made it.”
Cheryl threw her arms around Beth. “Are you kidding? We wouldn’t have missed it for anything.”
Then they were talking at once, laughing and saying goodnight.
“See you in a week!” Cheryl yelled out the window, and she didn’t stop waving until the car was out of sight.
“Your friends have a good time?” Jesse asked when she got back to the party.
“Yeah. They think you’re pretty great. Of course, they think I’m greater.” She laughed. “Cheryl’s never seen me do anything like that. I’ve always been pretty quiet.”
“Quiet’s good, but you shouldn’t hide away, either.”
“I’m not sure I could anymore,” she said, the realization hitting her all at once. She wasn’t sure how she felt about it, though. “I’m pretty beat,” she said, pushing away from the wall before he could say anything. “I think I’ll head back to the house. I’ll see you in the morning?”
“Well, more like the afternoon.” He was smiling again, though he looked more subdued.
“Right, silly me. Get some sleep. You’re driving tomorrow,” she said, heading for the door.
Because she absolutely could not stand looking into his eyes one more second.
Chapter Ten
“What’s it like to be the only woman in the band, Beth?”
Beth looked up from her laptop, eyes wary. “Aren’t you supposed to be interviewing Jesse?”
“I think our readers would be interested in hearing from you as well,” the reporter, a woman named Jean Thomas, replied.
Jesse didn’t jump in right away. As surprised as he was by the woman’s question, he wasn’t bothered by it. Beth had been performing on stage for a while now, and it was natural people would be asking questions. But if Beth didn’t want to answer them, that was another thing.
“I’m not part of the band,” Beth said. “I sing a couple of songs, that’s all.”
He could tell she was trying not to seem rude or impatient, but she was obviously anxious to be left alone.