Slow Burn

by Isabel Morin

  He kept his lucky hat next to him through the Rolling Stone interview, but he didn’t need luck. The journalist admired his music and was more interested in hearing about his influences and plans for the next album than in prying into his personal life. The other interviews were conducted by journalists immersed in the local scene and were much more casual. By the time Jesse did his radio spot, he was as relaxed as if he’d been in his own living room. Beth just sat back and watched him do his thing. She could only imagine how good it felt to come home having conquered the country like he had.

  The band was already at the club when they arrived for soundcheck. Will gave them a long look, but it wasn’t the glare he might have given even a week ago, and he looked away without saying anything.

  A crowd of friends and family was already milling around backstage and there was a feeling of heightened anticipation. She met Brian’s wife and Stu’s girlfriend, as well as Pete, the guy who’d had her job before he broke his foot. He was pretty much what she’d expected – scruffy and thin with morose eyes.

  “It’s nice to meet you,” she said, shaking his hand. “How’s your leg?”

  “Fine.” He heaved a sigh. “It turned out to be just a sprain, but Stu wouldn’t take me back even after it was better. He said you had things under control.”

  “Oh. I suppose so. It didn’t always feel that way, though.”

  “So are you and Jesse a thing?”

  “What?”

  “Matt said–”

  “Excuse me, I need to ask Stu something,” she said, forcing a smile as she hurried away.

  “I see you met Pete,” Jesse said, catching her by the arm. “Did a wave of depression descend while you were talking to him?”

  She laughed. “Pretty much.”

  “And you’re not even hung over.” He smiled into her eyes, the same smile he’d given her that morning before he’d slipped inside her.

  Her breathing stopped, maybe her heart, too. He looked like he was about to kiss her, right there in front of everyone.

  “Hey, babe! Long time no see,” a tall red-headed woman said, throwing her arms around him.

  She wore almost the same thing Beth wore – jeans, cowboy boots, and a t-shirt, only her shirt was tighter and she oozed sex in a way Beth never could.

  “Hey, Tammy. How’s it going?” Jesse asked, returning the hug and kissing her on the cheek. “This is Beth. She’s been on the road with us.”

  “Oh, hey,” Tammy said, giving Beth a big smile. “I know all about you. You’ve been singing with them, right?”

  “Just a couple of songs.”

  “Just nothin’,” Tammy said, and Beth couldn’t help smiling. “I don’t care how pretty you are, Jesse doesn’t let anyone mess with his music unless you rock. He didn’t let me so much as sit in with him the whole time we dated.”

  There it was. She’d been gearing up for a parade of Jesse’s ex-lovers, but she hadn’t imagined meeting any of them in quite this way. She was surprised by the hot flare of jealousy, and even more surprised when it died a quick death. Tammy was nice and pretty, which only meant Jesse had good taste. And really, it was much better to know for sure he’d slept with her than to wonder.

  The greenroom was crowded by this time and Beth was busy meeting the bands’ friends and family. A few people from Jesse’s record label and other assorted industry professionals had also turned up. It was all a little overwhelming and she wasn’t sure she was up to all the schmoozing, but Jesse introduced her to everyone like she was something special, the way he might have if she were his girlfriend. She caught the curious looks people gave each other, those looks that wondered what exactly was going on between them.

  What indeed.

  A bunch of people went out to a nearby barbecue place for dinner and she ended up at the other end of the table from Jesse. She spent the meal talking to the musicians on either side of her and steeling glances at Jesse when she could.

  The crowd was amped that night, like a hometown welcoming back its winning team. Jesse had told her they’d played Austin more times than he could count, and it showed. It felt almost like a house party, like everyone knew each other. Maybe they did.

  “Ya’ll are in for a treat tonight,” Jesse said, in his element.

  He was about to call her up, but everything seemed to be going too fast, speeding by her before she was ready for it. She felt like they’d only played one or two songs, but already it was the second set.

  “You might have seen us before,” Jesse said, “but you haven’t seen our special guest. We’ve been real lucky to have her on tour with us. She’s the only thing that kept me sane, matter of fact. So let’s give it up for Beth Levine folks.”

  Jesse took her hand and smiled at her like he did every night, and when the band kicked in she felt like she’d entered a dream she’d had over and over without ever getting to the end. She gave it her best, but it all felt too unreal and she didn’t quite connect with him like she usually did. Not that anyone seemed to notice. The crowd loved it and Jesse kissed her on the cheek and squeezed her hand. She left the stage to cheers and cries for more.

  But there were times you could demand more till your voice gave out and it didn’t mean you’d get it.

  Jesse’s record label threw the after party as thanks for staying with them when he could have gone to a bigger label. Instead of taking place backstage it took over the whole club and included an open bar. That, more than anything, told her how well he was doing.

  She spent the first forty-five minutes of the party tallying merchandise sales and packing up. Stu got pulled away by a guy from the record label so she was busy carting boxes out to the van herself. She turned around from putting the first armload into the van and came face to face with Jesse carrying the last few boxes. He pushed them into the van and shut the door.

  “What are you doing out here?” she asked. “You’re the man of the hour.”

  “I wanted to help you. And get you alone.”

  He was giving her one of those looks, the kind that made all her muscles soften like she was surrendering. Preparing to be plundered. Goosebumps rose on her arms at the way his voice had gone all low and rough. His hands grabbed her hips and pulled her to him and the lust that swept through her was instantaneous.

  She had time to draw one breath before he took her mouth, his hunger and impatience vibrating though him. Wrapping her arms around his back she pulled him close until there wasn’t a breath of air between their bodies.

  He stroked deep, demanding a response before retreating, making her come after him. She ran her hands up his arms, memorizing the way his muscles tensed at her touch. They skimmed under his shirt to find him lightly filmed with sweat and trembling.

  When he finally pulled back her hands balled into fists, as if she could contain the feelings, keep them from shooting out her fingertips and bringing everything down around her ears.

  His breath was ragged when he spoke. “You should stay.”

  Her heart kicked up, pounding in her chest at the words. She had to make sure she understood him. “What do you mean?”

  “Stay in Austin. We could have more time together, and there’s plenty of work now that things are breaking open for me. Stu’s already looking to hire people. I’m sure there’d be something cool you could do. Maybe you could even be my business manager.”

  She pulled back, a hollow ache opening in her stomach.

  “I can’t do that.”

  “Why not? It’d be fun.” He smiled, the way he had when he was trying to get her to sing on stage. “You don’t have a another job waiting for you, and Stu would hire you in a second. It’d be perfect.”

  Beth stared at him, the first rush of pleasure that he wanted to see more of her stamped out by what he was actually saying. And what he wasn’t. “Are you asking me to be with you, or offering me a job?”

  His panicked look said it all.

  God, she was so stupid. He didn’t have feelings for her, c
ertainly nothing that compared with what she felt for him.

  She concentrated on breathing, willing herself not to fall apart. “Is that what you think I’d want? To work for you? Everything has revolved around you the last four weeks, but that’s not real life, Jesse. At least, not how I want my life to be. I’m twenty-eight years old. I have a career.”

  “Fine, I get it. I’m sorry I said anything.”

  His eyes were wary and he looked stiff and uncomfortable, as if she were a reporter who’d asked too many personal questions. They stood there without saying anything, the intimacy of the past days burned away.

  “I guess I’d better get back inside,” he finally said. “You coming?”

  “In a minute.”

  He hesitated, like he was going to say something else, then shook his head and went inside, closing the door carefully behind him. It was a warm night but she was suddenly freezing. She waited outside until there was no chance of running into him and then headed straight to the bathroom where she finger combed her hair and slicked on lipstick, trying to make herself look presentable. Her reflection showed swollen lips and flushed skin, but her eyes told a different story. Would anyone notice, or could she fake her way through for another hour or so?

  After a few deep breaths she headed for the party, only to stop in the doorway, unable to go any farther. Throngs of people drank and ate and laughed while a cluster of musicians played on stage. It was loud and vibrant, a celebration she didn’t have the heart to join.

  Her eyes searched the crowded room for Jesse, finally spotting him in a cluster of musicians near the stage, a guitar slung around his neck. He was about to play, so he’d be occupied and wouldn’t notice she wasn’t there for a while yet.

  She drank him in one last time, letting herself admire his loose-limbed grace, the way his dark hair fell into his eyes, his broad shoulders and long lean muscles. Maybe it was cowardly to leave, but then so be it. She’d reached the end of the road with Jesse.

  ***

  Jesse looked around the hall for the millionth time, but still so sign of Beth. “I’ll be back in a minute,” he said, extricating himself from the clump of people hanging on his every word.

  He was too distracted to be any fun and he hated that they seemed amazed no matter what lame thing he said. He found Stu talking to a producer who’d agreed to work on the next album.

  “Have you seen Beth?”

  Stu shook his head, distracted. “Not for a while. Listen, Paul’s got some great ideas for the sessions. I think–”

  “Later, okay?”

  He did another scan of the room, then left the hall and walked back toward where he’d last seen her. Finally, desperate, he opened the door to the women’s bathroom a crack and called her name.

  A tall blond he’d talked to earlier in the night came to the door.

  “No one in here but me, baby, but you can call me Beth if you like.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  He turned away, pacing the hall while he tried to think where to look. He practically ran to the back door, his heart pumping hard and fast as he flung it open.

  Her car was gone.

  He kicked the door so that it slammed against the wall and ricocheted back at him, then kicked it again. He stood there feeling light-headed, his chest heaving as he tried to make sense of the night.

  She couldn’t really be gone. Maybe she just needed to get away for a bit. Probably she’d be back soon and they’d sort everything out. The thought calmed him down enough that he headed back toward the party, stopping first to get his electric guitar.

  A folded piece of paper fluttered to the floor when he opened the case. At first he thought it was an old set list, but it wasn’t the right paper for that. His hands shook as he opened it, and he read it over and over before he finally understood she wasn’t coming back.

  Keep writing your songs, Jesse. I’ll be listening for them.

  Chapter Twelve

  “Yoo hoo. Earth to Beth.”

  Beth looked over at Cheryl. “Sorry. What did you say?”

  They were examining wedding dresses in a budget bridal shop. Already they’d pulled eleven possible dresses between them. Cheryl was tiny, so they were looking for something relatively simple that wouldn’t overwhelm her.

  “I asked how you were doing.”

  “I’m okay I guess. I just need to stop thinking I’m going to hear from him. It’s over and done with, and I’m the one that left, so I need to get over it.”

  She still felt guilty over how she’d run away, but it had been pure self-preservation. It wasn’t just that she loved him and knew he didn’t love her back. He cared enough that it would have been tempting to stay just to take what she could get. And that’s what scared her. She couldn’t give up everything for a man. Not again, not even if he loved her. She’d never forgive herself, or him, if she did.

  He’d called her several times while she was still in town but she’d let them all go to voicemail. He’d sounded by turns sorry, angry and confused. He’d wanted to see her again, but she’d taken the coward’s way out and left town without speaking to him.

  She hadn’t heard from him since, and no wonder.

  She thought about him constantly, though. About the times they sang together in the car, like they were the only two people in the world. How he looked at her when they were on stage, how he said her name when he was inside her.

  She hadn’t seen him for five weeks and it hadn’t gotten any easier.

  She stood up and resumed looking through the racks. “Stu emailed me the other day. They’re releasing a live version of one of the songs we sang together.”

  “Oh my God. That’s incredible.”

  “It is pretty cool. I’ll even make money from it.” She paused. “Also, I’ve been getting occasional queries from people who want to represent me.”

  “Are you serious? Like, representing you in your musical career?”

  “It doesn’t matter. I’m not interested in any of that.”

  “Really? Not even a little?”

  “Nope. I liked singing with Jesse, but that’s as far as it goes. He made it easy, but I’m not interested in trying to make a career of it.” She sighed and sat down. There were many conveniently placed chairs located around the store. Maybe people wedding dress shopping were prone to weariness. “I miss it, though. Life seems so empty now. Every day was an adventure with him, and I felt…it sounds so lame, but I felt more alive with him.”

  “That’s not lame. That’s love.”

  “I guess so, but I never felt that with anyone else. What am I supposed to do? What if I never meet anyone who makes me feel like he did?”

  Cheryl seemed to think that over. “You won’t find another Jesse, but you’ll find a guy who’s great in other ways, one who’s able to give you everything you deserve. Someone who doesn’t let you down. But it’s too soon to think about that. I think you need to focus on other things that make you happy.”

  “Like my new idea.”

  She’d been researching how to become a business manager for artists since her return to Las Vegas.

  “Exactly. You just need to lose yourself in something you’re passionate about.”

  “I think I’d be perfect for it. I had a couple of artist clients at my old firm, a painter and a dancer. They were in a totally different boat from people who work more regular jobs. Plus I’d handle contracts when they’re setting up tours and signing record deals. I have a lot to learn, but I could get where I need to be, and it helps that I know the business from the other side. I think that’ll be a real asset.”

  “I’d hire you.”

  Beth stopped and looked at her friend, her hands falling to her sides. She’d gotten kind of carried away, but at least she’d been thinking of something other than Jesse. It felt good to get excited about something she had control over.

  “Enough about me. Let’s find you a dress.”

  ***

  Jesse listened to
the playback and wished like hell there wasn’t a roomful of people waiting on his reaction.

  They’d been recording for three weeks and they had five songs in the bag already. Brian and Matt were back, and they had awesome session musicians sitting in on guitar, horns and fiddle. The problems had come when they started recording “Better Off.”

  Mary Ann was a great singer. He’d heard her before and admired her work, but something was off. They’d been trying everything and he was starting to feel like an ass. He tried to explain what he wanted from her, but it was a quality he was looking for, a style, and how could you tell someone to alter the essence of how they sang? He’d asked her to try her part a few different ways and she’d done exactly what he asked, but it still wasn’t what he wanted, and he couldn’t pretend it was.

  Just like he couldn’t pretend that Lisa or Michelle had sounded the way he wanted.

  His displeasure must have been obvious, because her shoulders slumped and she started biting her lip and looking like she might cry. Behind him Matt gave a low groan. It was after ten and they’d been going at it since noon. Everyone was exhausted. He’d kept them there too long trying for something he couldn’t explain. It was costing money and cutting into the budget for the rest of the songs, which meant he was putting the album in jeopardy.

  Stu stood near the sound engineer on the other side of the glass, frowning, his arms crossed over his chest while they listened to the playback. When it was done he beckoned Jesse out of the studio.

  Jesse followed him down the hall and out into the parking lot.

  Stu planted his feet and crossed his arms like he meant business. “What’s going on? Everyone else thought that take was dead on.”

  “Well, I guess you’re not hearing what I’m hearing.”

  “She’s the third singer we’ve had in here, Jesse. We can’t afford any more delays. These women are all excellent and they’ve done exactly what you asked.”