Complete Works of James Joyce

by Unknown

  He wore a long unsleeved garment of recently flayed oxhide reaching to the knees in a loose kilt and this was bound about his middle by a girdle of plaited straw and rushes. Beneath this he wore trews of deerskin, roughly stitched with gut. His nether extremities were encased in high Balbriggan buskins dyed in lichen purple, the feet being shod with brogues of salted cowhide laced with the windpipe of the same beast. From his girdle hung a row of seastones which jangled at every movement of his portentous frame and on these were graven with rude yet striking art the tribal images of many Irish heroes and heroines of antiquity, Cuchulin, Conn of hundred battles, Niall of nine hostages, Brian of Kincora, the ardri Malachi, Art MacMurragh, Shane O’Neill, Father John Murphy, Owen Roe, Patrick Sarsfield, Red Hugh O’Donnell, Red Jim MacDermott, Soggarth Eoghan O’Growney, Michael Dwyer, Francy Higgins, Henry Joy M’Cracken, Goliath, Horace Wheatley, Thomas Conneff, Peg Woffington, the Village Blacksmith, Captain Moonlight, Captain Boycott, Dante Alighieri, Christopher Columbus, S. Fursa, S. Brendan, Marshal MacMahon, Charlemagne, Theobald Wolfe Tone, the Mother of the Maccabees, the Last of the Mohicans, the Rose of Castile, the Man for Galway, The Man that Broke the Bank at Monte Carlo, The Man in the Gap, The Woman Who Didn’t, Benjamin Franklin, Napoleon Bonaparte, John L. Sullivan, Cleopatra, Savourneen Deelish, Julius Caesar, Paracelsus, sir Thomas Lipton, William Tell, Michelangelo Hayes, Muhammad, the Bride of Lammermoor, Peter the Hermit, Peter the Packer, Dark Rosaleen, Patrick W. Shakespeare, Brian Confucius, Murtagh Gutenberg, Patricio Velasquez, Captain Nemo, Tristan and Isolde, the first Prince of Wales, Thomas Cook and Son, the Bold Soldier Boy, Arrah na Pogue, Dick Turpin, Ludwig Beethoven, the Colleen Bawn, Waddler Healy, Angus the Culdee, Dolly Mount, Sidney Parade, Ben Howth, Valentine Greatrakes, Adam and Eve, Arthur Wellesley, Boss Croker, Herodotus, Jack the Giantkiller, Gautama Buddha, Lady Godiva, The Lily of Killarney, Balor of the Evil Eye, the Queen of Sheba, Acky Nagle, Joe Nagle, Alessandro Volta, Jeremiah O’Donovan Rossa, Don Philip O’Sullivan Beare. A couched spear of acuminated granite rested by him while at his feet reposed a savage animal of the canine tribe whose stertorous gasps announced that he was sunk in uneasy slumber, a supposition confirmed by hoarse growls and spasmodic movements which his master repressed from time to time by tranquilising blows of a mighty cudgel rudely fashioned out of paleolithic stone.

  So anyhow Terry brought the three pints Joe was standing and begob the sight nearly left my eyes when I saw him land out a quid O, as true as I’m telling you. A goodlooking sovereign.

  — And there’s more where that came from, says he.

  — Were you robbing the poorbox, Joe? says I.

  — Sweat of my brow, says Joe. ’Twas the prudent member gave me the wheeze.

  — I saw him before I met you, says I, sloping around by Pill lane and Greek street with his cod’s eye counting up all the guts of the fish.

  Who comes through Michan’s land, bedight in sable armour? O’Bloom, the son of Rory: it is he. Impervious to fear is Rory’s son: he of the prudent soul.

  — For the old woman of Prince’s street, says the citizen, the subsidised organ. The pledgebound party on the floor of the house. And look at this blasted rag, says he. Look at this, says he. The Irish Independent, if you please, founded by Parnell to be the workingman’s friend. Listen to the births and deaths in the Irish all for Ireland Independent, and I’ll thank you and the marriages.

  And he starts reading them out:

  — Gordon, Barnfield crescent, Exeter; Redmayne of Iffley, Saint Anne’s on Sea: the wife of William T Redmayne of a son. How’s that, eh? Wright and Flint, Vincent and Gillett to Rotha Marion daughter of Rosa and the late George Alfred Gillett, 179 Clapham road, Stockwell, Playwood and Ridsdale at Saint Jude’s, Kensington by the very reverend Dr Forrest, dean of Worcester. Eh? Deaths. Bristow, at Whitehall lane, London: Carr, Stoke Newington, of gastritis and heart disease: Cockburn, at the Moat house, Chepstow...

  — I know that fellow, says Joe, from bitter experience.

  — Cockburn. Dimsey, wife of David Dimsey, late of the admiralty: Miller, Tottenham, aged eightyfive: Welsh, June 12, at 35 Canning street, Liverpool, Isabella Helen. How’s that for a national press, eh, my brown son! How’s that for Martin Murphy, the Bantry jobber?

  — Ah, well, says Joe, handing round the boose. Thanks be to God they had the start of us. Drink that, citizen.

  — I will, says he, honourable person.

  — Health, Joe, says I. And all down the form.

  Ah! Ow! Don’t be talking! I was blue mouldy for the want of that pint. Declare to God I could hear it hit the pit of my stomach with a click.

  And lo, as they quaffed their cup of joy, a godlike messenger came swiftly in, radiant as the eye of heaven, a comely youth and behind him there passed an elder of noble gait and countenance, bearing the sacred scrolls of law and with him his lady wife a dame of peerless lineage, fairest of her race.

  Little Alf Bergan popped in round the door and hid behind Barney’s snug, squeezed up with the laughing. And who was sitting up there in the corner that I hadn’t seen snoring drunk blind to the world only Bob Doran. I didn’t know what was up and Alf kept making signs out of the door. And begob what was it only that bloody old pantaloon Denis Breen in his bathslippers with two bloody big books tucked under his oxter and the wife hotfoot after him, unfortunate wretched woman, trotting like a poodle. I thought Alf would split.

  — Look at him, says he. Breen. He’s traipsing all round Dublin with a postcard someone sent him with U. p: up on it to take a li...

  And he doubled up.

  — Take a what? says I.

  — Libel action, says he, for ten thousand pounds.

  — O hell! says I.

  The bloody mongrel began to growl that’d put the fear of God in you seeing something was up but the citizen gave him a kick in the ribs.

  — Bi i dho husht, says he.

  — Who? says Joe.

  — Breen, says Alf. He was in John Henry Menton’s and then he went round to Collis and Ward’s and then Tom Rochford met him and sent him round to the subsheriff’s for a lark. O God, I’ve a pain laughing. U. p: up. The long fellow gave him an eye as good as a process and now the bloody old lunatic is gone round to Green street to look for a G man.

  — When is long John going to hang that fellow in Mountjoy? says Joe.

  — Bergan, says Bob Doran, waking up. Is that Alf Bergan?

  — Yes, says Alf. Hanging? Wait till I show you. Here, Terry, give us a pony. That bloody old fool! Ten thousand pounds. You should have seen long John’s eye. U. p...

  And he started laughing.

  — Who are you laughing at? says Bob Doran. Is that Bergan?

  — Hurry up, Terry boy, says Alf.

  Terence O’Ryan heard him and straightway brought him a crystal cup full of the foamy ebon ale which the noble twin brothers Bungiveagh and Bungardilaun brew ever in their divine alevats, cunning as the sons of deathless Leda. For they garner the succulent berries of the hop and mass and sift and bruise and brew them and they mix therewith sour juices and bring the must to the sacred fire and cease not night or day from their toil, those cunning brothers, lords of the vat.

  Then did you, chivalrous Terence, hand forth, as to the manner born, that nectarous beverage and you offered the crystal cup to him that thirsted, the soul of chivalry, in beauty akin to the immortals.

  But he, the young chief of the O’Bergan’s, could ill brook to be outdone in generous deeds but gave therefor with gracious gesture a testoon of costliest bronze. Thereon embossed in excellent smithwork was seen the image of a queen of regal port, scion of the house of Brunswick, Victoria her name, Her Most Excellent Majesty, by grace of God of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland and of the British dominions beyond the sea, queen, defender of the faith, Empress of India, even she, who bore rule, a victress over many peoples, the wellbeloved, for they knew and loved her from the rising of the sun to the going down thereof, the pale, the dark, the ruddy and
the ethiop.

  — What’s that bloody freemason doing, says the citizen, prowling up and down outside?

  — What’s that? says Joe.

  — Here you are, says Alf, chucking out the rhino. Talking about hanging, I’ll show you something you never saw. Hangmen’s letters. Look at here.

  So he took a bundle of wisps of letters and envelopes out of his pocket.

  — Are you codding? says I.

  — Honest injun, says Alf. Read them.

  So Joe took up the letters.

  — Who are you laughing at? says Bob Doran.

  So I saw there was going to be a bit of a dust Bob’s a queer chap when the porter’s up in him so says I just to make talk:

  — How’s Willy Murray those times, Alf?

  — I don’t know, says Alf I saw him just now in Capel street with Paddy Dignam. Only I was running after that...

  — You what? says Joe, throwing down the letters. With who?

  — With Dignam, says Alf.

  — Is it Paddy? says Joe.

  — Yes, says Alf. Why?

  — Don’t you know he’s dead? says Joe.

  — Paddy Dignam dead! says Alf.

  — Ay, says Joe.

  — Sure I’m after seeing him not five minutes ago, says Alf, as plain as a pikestaff.

  — Who’s dead? says Bob Doran.

  — You saw his ghost then, says Joe, God between us and harm.

  — What? says Alf. Good Christ, only five... What?... And Willy Murray with him, the two of them there near whatdoyoucallhim’s... What? Dignam dead?

  — What about Dignam? says Bob Doran. Who’s talking about...?

  — Dead! says Alf. He’s no more dead than you are.

  — Maybe so, says Joe. They took the liberty of burying him this morning anyhow.

  — Paddy? says Alf.

  — Ay, says Joe. He paid the debt of nature, God be merciful to him.

  — Good Christ! says Alf.

  Begob he was what you might call flabbergasted.

  In the darkness spirit hands were felt to flutter and when prayer by tantras had been directed to the proper quarter a faint but increasing luminosity of ruby light became gradually visible, the apparition of the etheric double being particularly lifelike owing to the discharge of jivic rays from the crown of the head and face. Communication was effected through the pituitary body and also by means of the orangefiery and scarlet rays emanating from the sacral region and solar plexus. Questioned by his earthname as to his whereabouts in the heavenworld he stated that he was now on the path of pr l ya or return but was still submitted to trial at the hands of certain bloodthirsty entities on the lower astral levels. In reply to a question as to his first sensations in the great divide beyond he stated that previously he had seen as in a glass darkly but that those who had passed over had summit possibilities of atmic development opened up to them. Interrogated as to whether life there resembled our experience in the flesh he stated that he had heard from more favoured beings now in the spirit that their abodes were equipped with every modern home comfort such as talafana, alavatar, hatakalda, wataklasat and that the highest adepts were steeped in waves of volupcy of the very purest nature. Having requested a quart of buttermilk this was brought and evidently afforded relief. Asked if he had any message for the living he exhorted all who were still at the wrong side of Maya to acknowledge the true path for it was reported in devanic circles that Mars and Jupiter were out for mischief on the eastern angle where the ram has power. It was then queried whether there were any special desires on the part of the defunct and the reply was: We greet you, friends of earth, who are still in the body. Mind C. K. doesn’t pile it on. It was ascertained that the reference was to Mr Cornelius Kelleher, manager of Messrs H. J. O’Neill’s popular funeral establishment, a personal friend of the defunct, who had been responsible for the carrying out of the interment arrangements. Before departing he requested that it should be told to his dear son Patsy that the other boot which he had been looking for was at present under the commode in the return room and that the pair should be sent to Cullen’s to be soled only as the heels were still good. He stated that this had greatly perturbed his peace of mind in the other region and earnestly requested that his desire should be made known.

  Assurances were given that the matter would be attended to and it was intimated that this had given satisfaction.

  He is gone from mortal haunts: O’Dignam, sun of our morning. Fleet was his foot on the bracken: Patrick of the beamy brow. Wail, Banba, with your wind: and wail, O ocean, with your whirlwind.

  — There he is again, says the citizen, staring out.

  — Who? says I.

  — Bloom, says he. He’s on point duty up and down there for the last ten minutes.

  And, begob, I saw his physog do a peep in and then slidder off again.

  Little Alf was knocked bawways. Faith, he was.

  — Good Christ! says he. I could have sworn it was him.

  And says Bob Doran, with the hat on the back of his poll, lowest blackguard in Dublin when he’s under the influence:

  — Who said Christ is good?

  — I beg your parsnips, says Alf.

  — Is that a good Christ, says Bob Doran, to take away poor little Willy Dignam?

  — Ah, well, says Alf, trying to pass it off. He’s over all his troubles.

  But Bob Doran shouts out of him.

  — He’s a bloody ruffian, I say, to take away poor little Willy Dignam.

  Terry came down and tipped him the wink to keep quiet, that they didn’t want that kind of talk in a respectable licensed premises. And Bob Doran starts doing the weeps about Paddy Dignam, true as you’re there.

  — The finest man, says he, snivelling, the finest purest character.

  The tear is bloody near your eye. Talking through his bloody hat. Fitter for him go home to the little sleepwalking bitch he married, Mooney, the bumbailiff’s daughter, mother kept a kip in Hardwicke street, that used to be stravaging about the landings Bantam Lyons told me that was stopping there at two in the morning without a stitch on her, exposing her person, open to all comers, fair field and no favour.

  — The noblest, the truest, says he. And he’s gone, poor little Willy, poor little Paddy Dignam.

  And mournful and with a heavy heart he bewept the extinction of that beam of heaven.

  Old Garryowen started growling again at Bloom that was skeezing round the door.

  — Come in, come on, he won’t eat you, says the citizen.

  So Bloom slopes in with his cod’s eye on the dog and he asks Terry was Martin Cunningham there.

  — O, Christ M’Keown, says Joe, reading one of the letters. Listen to this, will you?

  And he starts reading out one.

  7 Hunter Street, Liverpool. To the High Sheriff of Dublin, Dublin.

  Honoured sir i beg to offer my services in the abovementioned painful case i hanged Joe Gann in Bootle jail on the 12 of Febuary 1900 and i hanged...

  — Show us, Joe, says I.

  — ... private Arthur Chace for fowl murder of Jessie Tilsit in Pentonville prison and i was assistant when...

  — Jesus, says I.

  — ... Billington executed the awful murderer Toad Smith...

  The citizen made a grab at the letter.

  — Hold hard, says Joe, i have a special nack of putting the noose once in he can’t get out hoping to be favoured i remain, honoured sir, my terms is five ginnees.

  H. RUMBOLD, MASTER BARBER.

  — And a barbarous bloody barbarian he is too, says the citizen.

  — And the dirty scrawl of the wretch, says Joe. Here, says he, take them to hell out of my sight, Alf. Hello, Bloom, says he, what will you have?

  So they started arguing about the point, Bloom saying he wouldn’t and he couldn’t and excuse him no offence and all to that and then he said well he’d just take a cigar. Gob, he’s a prudent member and no mistake.

  — Give us one of your prime stinkers, T
erry, says Joe.

  And Alf was telling us there was one chap sent in a mourning card with a black border round it.

  — They’re all barbers, says he, from the black country that would hang their own fathers for five quid down and travelling expenses.

  And he was telling us there’s two fellows waiting below to pull his heels down when he gets the drop and choke him properly and then they chop up the rope after and sell the bits for a few bob a skull.

  In the dark land they bide, the vengeful knights of the razor. Their deadly coil they grasp: yea, and therein they lead to Erebus whatsoever wight hath done a deed of blood for I will on nowise suffer it even so saith the Lord.

  So they started talking about capital punishment and of course Bloom comes out with the why and the wherefore and all the codology of the business and the old dog smelling him all the time I’m told those jewies does have a sort of a queer odour coming off them for dogs about I don’t know what all deterrent effect and so forth and so on.

  — There’s one thing it hasn’t a deterrent effect on, says Alf.

  — What’s that? says Joe.

  — The poor bugger’s tool that’s being hanged, says Alf.

  — That so? says Joe.

  — God’s truth, says Alf. I heard that from the head warder that was in

  Kilmainham when they hanged Joe Brady, the invincible. He told me when they cut him down after the drop it was standing up in their faces like a poker.

  — Ruling passion strong in death, says Joe, as someone said.