Complete Works of James Joyce

by Unknown

  BLOOM: (To Stephen) Come home. You’ll get into trouble.

  STEPHEN: (Swaying) I don’t avoid it. He provokes my intelligence.

  BIDDY THE CLAP: One immediately observes that he is of patrician lineage.

  THE VIRAGO: Green above the red, says he. Wolfe Tone.

  THE BAWD: The red’s as good as the green. And better. Up the soldiers! Up King Edward!

  A ROUGH: (Laughs) Ay! Hands up to De Wet.

  THE CITIZEN: (With a huge emerald muffler and shillelagh, calls)

  May the God above

  Send down a dove

  With teeth as sharp as razors

  To slit the throats

  Of the English dogs

  That hanged our Irish leaders.

  THE CROPPY BOY: (The ropenoose round his neck, gripes in his issuing bowels with both hands)

  I bear no hate to a living thing, But I love my country beyond the king.

  RUMBOLD, DEMON BARBER: (Accompanied by two blackmasked assistants, advances with gladstone bag which he opens) Ladies and gents, cleaver purchased by Mrs Pearcy to slay Mogg. Knife with which Voisin dismembered the wife of a compatriot and hid remains in a sheet in the cellar, the unfortunate female’s throat being cut from ear to ear. Phial containing arsenic retrieved from body of Miss Barron which sent Seddon to the gallows.

  (He jerks the rope. The assistants leap at the victim’s legs and drag him downward, grunting the croppy boy’s tongue protrudes violently.)

  THE CROPPY BOY:

  Horhot ho hray hor hother’s hest.

  (He gives up the ghost. A violent erection of the hanged sends gouts of sperm spouting through his deathclothes on to the cobblestones. Mrs Bellingham, Mrs Yelverton Barry and the Honourable Mrs Mervyn Talboys rush forward with their handkerchiefs to sop it up.)

  RUMBOLD: I’m near it myself. (He undoes the noose) Rope which hanged the awful rebel. Ten shillings a time. As applied to Her Royal Highness. (He plunges his head into the gaping belly of the hanged and draws out his head again clotted with coiled and smoking entrails) My painful duty has now been done. God save the king!

  EDWARD THE SEVENTH: (Dances slowly, solemnly, rattling his bucket, and sings with soft contentment)

  On coronation day, on coronation day, O, won’t we have a merry time, Drinking whisky, beer and wine!

  PRIVATE CARR: Here. What are you saying about my king?

  STEPHEN: (Throws up his hands) O, this is too monotonous! Nothing. He wants my money and my life, though want must be his master, for some brutish empire of his. Money I haven’t. (He searches his pockets vaguely) GAVE IT TO SOMEONE.

  PRIVATE CARR: Who wants your bleeding money?

  STEPHEN: (Tries to move off) Will someone tell me where I am least likely to meet these necessary evils? Ça se voit aussi à paris. Not that I... But, by Saint Patrick...!

  (The women’s heads coalesce. Old Gummy Granny in sugarloaf hat appears seated on a toadstool, the deathflower of the potato blight on her breast.)

  STEPHEN: Aha! I know you, gammer! Hamlet, revenge! The old sow that eats her farrow!

  OLD GUMMY GRANNY: (Rocking to and fro) Ireland’s sweetheart, the king of Spain’s daughter, alanna. Strangers in my house, bad manners to them! (She keens with banshee woe) Ochone! Ochone! Silk of the kine! (She wails) You met with poor old Ireland and how does she stand?

  STEPHEN: How do I stand you? The hat trick! Where’s the third person of the Blessed Trinity? Soggarth Aroon? The reverend Carrion Crow.

  CISSY CAFFREY: (Shrill) Stop them from fighting!

  A ROUGH: Our men retreated.

  PRIVATE CARR: (Tugging at his belt) I’ll wring the neck of any fucker says a word against my fucking king.

  BLOOM: (Terrified) He said nothing. Not a word. A pure misunderstanding.

  THE CITIZEN: Erin go bragh!

  (Major Tweedy and the Citizen exhibit to each other medals, decorations, trophies of war, wounds. Both salute with fierce hostility.)

  PRIVATE COMPTON: Go it, Harry. Do him one in the eye. He’s a proboer.

  STEPHEN: Did I? When?

  BLOOM: (To the redcoats) We fought for you in South Africa, Irish missile troops. Isn’t that history? Royal Dublin Fusiliers. Honoured by our monarch.

  THE NAVVY: (Staggering past) O, yes! O God, yes! O, make the kwawr a krowawr! O! Bo!

  (Casqued halberdiers in armour thrust forward a pentice of gutted spearpoints. Major Tweedy, moustached like Turko the terrible, in bearskin cap with hackleplume and accoutrements, with epaulettes, gilt chevrons and sabretaches, his breast bright with medals, toes the line. He gives the pilgrim warrior’s sign of the knights templars.)

  MAJOR TWEEDY: (Growls gruffly) Rorke’s Drift! Up, guards, and at them! Mahar shalal hashbaz.

  PRIVATE CARR: I’ll do him in.

  PRIVATE COMPTON: (Waves the crowd back) Fair play, here. Make a bleeding butcher’s shop of the bugger.

  (Massed bands blare Garryowen and God save the King.)

  CISSY CAFFREY: They’re going to fight. For me!

  CUNTY KATE: The brave and the fair.

  BIDDY THE CLAP: Methinks yon sable knight will joust it with the best.

  CUNTY KATE: (Blushing deeply) Nay, madam. The gules doublet and merry saint George for me!

  STEPHEN:

  The harlot’s cry from street to street Shall weave Old Ireland’s windingsheet.

  PRIVATE CARR: (Loosening his belt, shouts) I’ll wring the neck of any fucking bastard says a word against my bleeding fucking king.

  BLOOM: (Shakes Cissy Caffrey’s shoulders) Speak, you! Are you struck dumb? You are the link between nations and generations. Speak, woman, sacred lifegiver!

  CISSY CAFFREY: (Alarmed, seizes Private Carr’s sleeve) Amn’t I with you? Amn’t I your girl? Cissy’s your girl. (She cries) Police!

  STEPHEN: (Ecstatically, to Cissy Caffrey)

  White thy fambles, red thy gan

  And thy quarrons dainty is.

  VOICES: Police!

  DISTANT VOICES: Dublin’s burning! Dublin’s burning! On fire, on fire!

  (Brimstone fires spring up. Dense clouds roll past. Heavy Gatling guns boom. Pandemonium. Troops deploy. Gallop of hoofs. Artillery. Hoarse commands. Bells clang. Backers shout. Drunkards bawl. Whores screech. Foghorns hoot. Cries of valour. Shrieks of dying. Pikes clash on cuirasses. Thieves rob the slain. Birds of prey, winging from the sea, rising from marshlands, swooping from eyries, hover screaming, gannets, cormorants, vultures, goshawks, climbing woodcocks, peregrines, merlins, blackgrouse, sea eagles, gulls, albatrosses, barnacle geese. The midnight sun is darkened. The earth trembles. The dead of Dublin from Prospect and Mount Jerome in white sheepskin overcoats and black goatfell cloaks arise and appear to many. A chasm opens with a noiseless yawn. Tom Rochford, winner, in athlete’s singlet and breeches, arrives at the head of the national hurdle handicap and leaps into the void. He is followed by a race of runners and leapers. In wild attitudes they spring from the brink. Their bodies plunge. Factory lasses with fancy clothes toss redhot Yorkshire baraabombs. Society ladies lift their skirts above their heads to protect themselves. Laughing witches in red cutty sarks ride through the air on broomsticks. Quakerlyster plasters blisters. It rains dragons’ teeth. Armed heroes spring up from furrows. They exchange in amity the pass of knights of the red cross and fight duels with cavalry sabres: Wolfe Tone against Henry Grattan, Smith O’Brien against Daniel O’Connell, Michael Davitt against Isaac Butt, Justin M’Carthy against Parnell, Arthur Griffith against John Redmond, John O’Leary against Lear O’Johnny, Lord Edward Fitzgerald against Lord Gerald Fitzedward, The O’Donoghue of the Glens against The Glens of The O’Donoghue. On an eminence, the centre of the earth, rises the feldaltar of Saint Barbara. Black candles rise from its gospel and epistle horns. From the high barbacans of the tower two shafts of light fall on the smokepalled altarstone. On the altarstone Mrs Mina Purefoy, goddess of unreason, lies, naked, fettered, a chalice resting on her swollen belly. Father Malachi O’Flynn in a lace petticoat a
nd reversed chasuble, his two left feet back to the front, celebrates camp mass. The Reverend Mr Hugh C Haines Love M. A. in a plain cassock and mortarboard, his head and collar back to the front, holds over the celebrant’s head an open umbrella.)

  FATHER MALACHI O’FLYNN: Introibo ad altare diaboli.

  THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: To the devil which hath made glad my young days.

  FATHER MALACHI O’FLYNN: (Takes from the chalice and elevates a blooddripping host) Corpus meum.

  THE REVEREND MR HAINES LOVE: (Raises high behind the celebrant’s petticoat, revealing his grey bare hairy buttocks between which a carrot is stuck) My body.

  THE VOICE OF ALL THE DAMNED: Htengier Tnetopinmo Dog Drol eht rof, Aiulella!

  (From on high the voice of Adonai calls.)

  ADONAI: Dooooooooooog!

  THE VOICE OF ALL THE BLESSED: Alleluia, for the Lord God Omnipotent reigneth!

  (From on high the voice of Adonai calls.)

  ADONAI: Goooooooooood!

  (In strident discord peasants and townsmen of Orange and Green factions sing Kick the Pope and Daily, daily sing to Mary.)

  PRIVATE CARR: (With ferocious articulation) I’ll do him in, so help me fucking Christ! I’ll wring the bastard fucker’s bleeding blasted fucking windpipe!

  OLD GUMMY GRANNY: (Thrusts a dagger towards Stephen’s hand) Remove him, acushla. At 8.35 a.m. you will be in heaven and Ireland will be free. (She prays) O good God, take him!

  (THE RETRIEVER, NOSING ON THE FRINGE OF THE CROWD, BARKS NOISILY.)

  BLOOM: (Runs to lynch) Can’t you get him away?

  LYNCH: He likes dialectic, the universal language. Kitty! (To Bloom) Get him away, you. He won’t listen to me.

  (He drags Kitty away.)

  STEPHEN: (Points) exit Judas. Et laqueo se suspendit.

  BLOOM: (Runs to Stephen) Come along with me now before worse happens. Here’s your stick.

  STEPHEN: Stick, no. Reason. This feast of pure reason.

  CISSY CAFFREY: (Pulling Private Carr) Come on, you’re boosed. He insulted me but I forgive him. (Shouting in his ear) I forgive him for insulting me.

  BLOOM: (Over Stephen’s shoulder) Yes, go. You see he’s incapable.

  PRIVATE CARR: (Breaks loose) I’ll insult him.

  (He rushes towards Stephen, fist outstretched, and strikes him in the face. Stephen totters, collapses, falls, stunned. He lies prone, his face to the sky, his hat rolling to the wall. Bloom follows and picks it up.)

  MAJOR TWEEDY: (Loudly) Carbine in bucket! Cease fire! Salute!

  THE RETRIEVER: (Barking furiously) Ute ute ute ute ute ute ute ute.

  THE CROWD: Let him up! Don’t strike him when he’s down! Air! Who? The soldier hit him. He’s a professor. Is he hurted? Don’t manhandle him! He’s fainted!

  A HAG: What call had the redcoat to strike the gentleman and he under the influence. Let them go and fight the Boers!

  THE BAWD: Listen to who’s talking! Hasn’t the soldier a right to go with his girl? He gave him the coward’s blow.

  (They grab at each other’s hair, claw at each other and spit)

  THE RETRIEVER: (Barking) Wow wow wow.

  BLOOM: (Shoves them back, loudly) Get back, stand back!

  PRIVATE COMPTON: (Tugging his comrade) Here. Bugger off, Harry. Here’s the cops! (Two raincaped watch, tall, stand in the group.)

  FIRST WATCH: What’s wrong here?

  PRIVATE COMPTON: We were with this lady. And he insulted us. And assaulted my chum. (The retriever barks) Who owns the bleeding tyke?

  CISSY CAFFREY: (With expectation) Is he bleeding!

  A MAN: (Rising from his knees) No. Gone off. He’ll come to all right.

  BLOOM: (Glances sharply at the man) Leave him to me. I can easily...

  SECOND WATCH: Who are you? Do you know him?

  PRIVATE CARR: (Lurches towards the watch) He insulted my lady friend.

  BLOOM: (Angrily) You hit him without provocation. I’m a witness. Constable, take his regimental number.

  SECOND WATCH: I don’t want your instructions in the discharge of my duty.

  PRIVATE COMPTON: (Pulling his comrade) Here, bugger off Harry. Or Bennett’ll shove you in the lockup.

  PRIVATE CARR: (Staggering as he is pulled away) God fuck old Bennett. He’s a whitearsed bugger. I don’t give a shit for him.

  FIRST WATCH: (Takes out his notebook) What’s his name?

  BLOOM: (Peering over the crowd) I just see a car there. If you give me a hand a second, sergeant...

  FIRST WATCH: Name and address.

  (Corny Kelleker, weepers round his hat, a death wreath in his hand, appears among the bystanders.)

  BLOOM: (Quickly) O, the very man! (He whispers) Simon Dedalus’ son. A bit sprung. Get those policemen to move those loafers back.

  SECOND WATCH: Night, Mr Kelleher.

  CORNY KELLEHER: (To the watch, with drawling eye) That’s all right. I know him. Won a bit on the races. Gold cup. Throwaway. (He laughs) Twenty to one. Do you follow me?

  FIRST WATCH: (Turns to the crowd) Here, what are you all gaping at? Move on out of that.

  (The crowd disperses slowly, muttering, down the lane.)

  CORNY KELLEHER: Leave it to me, sergeant. That’ll be all right. (He laughs, shaking his head) We were often as bad ourselves, ay or worse. What? Eh, what?

  FIRST WATCH: (Laughs) I suppose so.

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Nudges the second watch) Come and wipe your name off the slate. (He lilts, wagging his head) With my tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom tooraloom. What, eh, do you follow me?

  SECOND WATCH: (Genially) Ah, sure we were too.

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Winking) Boys will be boys. I’ve a car round there.

  SECOND WATCH: All right, Mr Kelleher. Good night.

  CORNY KELLEHER: I’ll see to that.

  BLOOM: (Shakes hands with both of the watch in turn) Thank you very much, gentlemen. Thank you. (He mumbles confidentially) We don’t want any scandal, you understand. Father is a wellknown highly respected citizen. Just a little wild oats, you understand.

  FIRST WATCH: O. I understand, sir.

  SECOND WATCH: That’s all right, sir.

  FIRST WATCH: It was only in case of corporal injuries I’d have to report it at the station.

  BLOOM: (Nods rapidly) Naturally. Quite right. Only your bounden duty.

  SECOND WATCH: It’s our duty.

  CORNY KELLEHER: Good night, men.

  THE WATCH: (Saluting together) Night, gentlemen. (They move off with slow heavy tread)

  BLOOM: (Blows) Providential you came on the scene. You have a car?...

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Laughs, pointing his thumb over his right shoulder to the car brought up against the scaffolding) Two commercials that were standing fizz in Jammet’s. Like princes, faith. One of them lost two quid on the race. Drowning his grief. And were on for a go with the jolly girls. So I landed them up on Behan’s car and down to nighttown.

  BLOOM: I was just going home by Gardiner street when I happened to...

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Laughs) Sure they wanted me to join in with the mots. No, by God, says I. Not for old stagers like myself and yourself. (He laughs again and leers with lacklustre eye) Thanks be to God we have it in the house, what, eh, do you follow me? Hah, hah, hah!

  BLOOM: (Tries to laugh) He, he, he! Yes. Matter of fact I was just visiting an old friend of mine there, Virag, you don’t know him (poor fellow, he’s laid up for the past week) and we had a liquor together and I was just making my way home...

  (The horse neighs.)

  THE HORSE: Hohohohohohoh! Hohohohome!

  CORNY KELLEHER: Sure it was Behan our jarvey there that told me after we left the two commercials in Mrs Cohen’s and I told him to pull up and got off to see. (He laughs) Sober hearsedrivers a speciality. Will I give him a lift home? Where does he hang out? Somewhere in Cabra, what?

  BLOOM: No, in Sandycove, I believe, from what he let drop.

  (Stephen, prone, breathes to the stars. Corny Kelleher, asquint, drawl
s at the horse. Bloom, in gloom, looms down.)

  CORNY KELLEHER: (Scratches his nape) Sandycove! (He bends down and calls to Stephen) Eh! (He calls again) Eh! He’s covered with shavings anyhow. Take care they didn’t lift anything off him.

  BLOOM: No, no, no. I have his money and his hat here and stick.

  CORNY KELLEHER: Ah, well, he’ll get over it. No bones broken. Well, I’ll shove along. (He laughs) I’ve a rendezvous in the morning. Burying the dead. Safe home!

  THE HORSE: (Neighs) Hohohohohome.

  BLOOM: Good night. I’ll just wait and take him along in a few...

  (Corny Kelleher returns to the outside car and mounts it. The horse harness jingles.)

  CORNY KELLEHER: (From the car, standing) Night.

  BLOOM: Night.

  (The jarvey chucks the reins and raises his whip encouragingly. The car and horse back slowly, awkwardly, and turn. Corny Kelleher on the sideseat sways his head to and fro in sign of mirth at Bloom’s plight. The jarvey joins in the mute pantomimic merriment nodding from the farther seat. Bloom shakes his head in mute mirthful reply. With thumb and palm Corny Kelleher reassures that the two bobbies will allow the sleep to continue for what else is to be done. With a slow nod Bloom conveys his gratitude as that is exactly what Stephen needs. The car jingles tooraloom round the corner of the tooraloom lane. Corny Kelleher again reassuralooms with his hand. Bloom with his hand assuralooms Corny Kelleher that he is reassuraloomtay. The tinkling hoofs and jingling harness grow fainter with their tooralooloo looloo lay. Bloom, holding in his hand Stephen’s hat, festooned with shavings, and ashplant, stands irresolute. Then he bends to him and shakes him by the shoulder.)

  BLOOM: Eh! Ho! (There is no answer; he bends again) Mr Dedalus! (There is no answer) The name if you call. Somnambulist. (He bends again and hesitating, brings his mouth near the face of the prostrate form) Stephen! (There is no answer. He calls again.) Stephen!

  STEPHEN: (Groans) Who? Black panther. Vampire. (He sighs and stretches himself, then murmurs thickly with prolonged vowels)

  Who... drive... Fergus now

  And pierce... wood’s woven shade?...

  (He turns on his left side, sighing, doubling himself together.)