Complete Works of James Joyce
Page 229
Naturally. My part is ended here.
BERTHA
To her, I suppose?
RICHARD
(Astonished.) Who?
BERTHA
Her ladyship. I suppose it is all planned so that you may have a good opportunity to meet her and have an intellectual conversation!
588
RICHARD
(With an outburst of rude anger.) To meet the devil’s father!
BERTHA
(Unpins her hat and sits down.) Very well. You can go. Now I know what to do.
RICHARD
(Returns, approaches her.) You don’t believe a word of what you say.
BERTHA
(Calmly.) You can go. Why don’t you?
RICHARD
Then you have come here and led him on in this way on account of me. Is that how it is?
BERTHA
There is one person in all this who is not a fool. And that is you. I am though. And he is.
RICHARD
(Continuing.) If so you have indeed treated him badly and shamefully.
BERTHA
(Points at him.) Yes. But it was your fault. And I will end it now. I am simply a tool for you. You have no respect for me. You never had because I did what I did.
RICHARD
And has he respect?
BERTHA
He has. Of all the persons I met since I came back he is the only one who has. And he knows what they only suspect. And that is why I liked him from the first and like him still. Great respect for me she has! Why did you not ask her to come away with you nine years ago?
RICHARD
You know why, Bertha. Ask yourself.
BERTHA
Yes, I know why. You knew the answer you would get. That is why.
RICHARD
That is not why. I did not even ask you.
BERTHA
Yes. You knew I would go, asked or not. I do things. But if I do one thing I can do two things. As I have the name I can have the gains.
RICHARD
(With increasing excitement.) Bertha, I accept what is to be. I have trusted you. I will trust you still.
589
BERTHA
To have that against me. To leave me then. (Almost passionately.) Why do you not defend me then against him? Why do you go away from me now without a word? Dick, my God, tell me what you wish me to do?
RICHARD
I cannot, dear. (Struggling with himself.) Your own heart will tell you. (He seizes both her hands.) I have a wild delight in my soul, Bertha, as I look at you. I see you as you are yourself. That I came first in your life or before him then — that may be nothing to you. You may be his more than mine.
BERTHA
I am not. Only I feel for him, too.
RICHARD
And I do too. You may be his and mine. I will trust you, Bertha, and him too. I must. I cannot hate him since his arms have been around you. You have drawn us near together. There is something wiser than wisdom in your heart. Who am I that I should call myself master of your heart or of any woman’s? Bertha, love him, be his, give yourself to him if you desire — or if you can.
BERTHA
(Dreamily.) I will remain.
RICHARD
Goodbye.
(He lets her hand fall and goes out rapidly on the right. Bertha remains sitting. Then she rises and goes timidly towards the porch. She stops near it and, after a little hesitation, calls into the garden.)
BERTHA
Is anyone out there?
(At the same time she retreats towards the middle of the room. Then she calls again in the same way.)
BERTHA
Is anyone there?
(Robert appears in the open doorway that leads in from the garden. His coat is buttoned and the collar is turned up. He holds the doorposts with his hands lightly and waits for Bertha to see him.)
590
BERTHA
(Catching sight of him, starts back: then, quickly.) Robert!
ROBERT
Are you alone?
BERTHA
Yes.
ROBERT
(Looking towards the door on the right.) Where is he?
BERTHA
Gone. (Nervously.) You startled me. Where did you come from?
ROBERT
(With a movement of his head.) Out there. Did he not tell you I was out there — waiting?
BERTHA
(Quickly.) Yes, he told me. But I was afraid here alone. With the door open, waiting. (She comes to the table and rests her hand on the corner.) Why do you stand like that in the doorway?
ROBERT
Why? I am afraid too.
BERTHA
Of what?
ROBERT
Of you.
BERTHA
(Looks down.) Do you hate me now?
ROBERT
I fear you. (Clasping his hands at his back, quietly but a little defiantly.) I fear a new torture — a new trap.
BERTHA
(As before.) For what do you blame me?
ROBERT
(Comes forward a few steps, halts: then impulsively:) Why did you lead me on? Day after day, more and more. Why did you not stop me? You could have — with a word. But not even a word! I forgot myself and him. You saw it. That I was ruining myself in his eyes, losing his friendship. Did you want me to?
BERTHA
(Looking up.) You never asked me.
ROBERT
Asked you what?
BERTHA
If he suspected — or knew.
ROBERT
And would you have told me?
BERTHA
Yes.
ROBERT
(Hesitatingly.) Did you tell him — everything?
BERTHA
I did.
591
ROBERT
I mean — details.
BERTHA
Everything.
ROBERT
(With forced smile.) I see. You were making an experiment for his sake. On me. Well, why not? It seems I was a good subject. Still, it was a little cruel of you.
BERTHA
Try to understand me, Robert. You must try.
ROBERT
(With polite gesture.) Well, I will try.
BERTHA
Why do you stand like that near the door? It makes me nervous to look at you.
ROBERT
I am trying to understand. And then I am afraid.
BERTHA
(Holds out her hand.) You need not be afraid.
ROBERT
(Comes towards her quickly and takes her hand. Diffidently:) Used you to laugh over me — together? (Drawing his hand away.) But now I must be good or you may laugh over me again — tonight.
BERTHA
(Distressed, lays her hand on his arm.) Please listen to me, Robert... But you are all wet, drenched! (She passes her hands over his coat.) O, you poor fellow! Out there in the rain all that time! I forgot that.
ROBERT
(Laughs.) Yes, you forgot the climate.
BERTHA
But you are really drenched. You must change your coat.
ROBERT
(Takes her hands.) Tell me, it is pity then that you feel for me, as he — as Richard — says?
BERTHA
Please change your coat, Robert, when I ask you. You might get a very bad cold from that. Do, please.
ROBERT
What would it matter now?
BERTHA
(Looking round her.) Where do you keep your clothes here?
592
ROBERT
(Points to the door at the back.) In there. I fancy I have a jacket here. (Maliciously.) In my bedroom.
BERTHA
Well, go in and take that off.
ROBERT
And you?
BERTHA
I will wait here for you.
ROBERT
Do you command me to?
BERTHA
(Laughing.) Yes, I command you.
>
ROBERT
(Promptly.) Then I will. (He goes quickly towards the bedroom door; then turns round.) You won’t go away?
BERTHA
No, I will wait. But don’t be long.
ROBERT
Only a moment.
(He goes into the bedroom, leaving the door open. Bertha looks curiously about her and then glances in indecision towards the door at the back.)
ROBERT
(From the bedroom.) You have not gone?
BERTHA
No.
ROBERT
I am in the dark here. I must light the lamp.
(He is heard striking a match, and putting a glass shade on a lamp. A pink light comes in through the doorway. Bertha glances at her watch at her wristlet and then sits at the table.)
ROBERT
(As before.) Do you like the effect of the light?
BERTHA
O, yes.
ROBERT
Can you admire it from where you are?
BERTHA
Yes, quite well.
ROBERT
It was for you.
BERTHA
(Confused.) I am not worthy even of that.
ROBERT
(Clearly, harshly.) Love’s labour lost.
BERTHA
(Rising nervously.) Robert!
ROBERT
Yes?
BERTHA
Come here, quickly! Quickly, I say!
ROBERT
I am ready.
(He appears in the doorway, wearing a dark green velvet jacket. Seeing her agitation, he comes quickly towards her.)
593
ROBERT
What is it, Bertha?
BERTHA
(Trembling.) I was afraid.
ROBERT
Of being alone?
BERTHA
(Catches his hands.) You know what I mean. My nerves are all upset.
ROBERT
That I...?
BERTHA
Promise me, Robert, not to think of such a thing. Never. If you like me at all. I thought that moment...
ROBERT
What an idea?
BERTHA
But promise me if you like me.
ROBERT
If I like you, Bertha! I promise. Of course, I promise. You are trembling all over.
BERTHA
Let me sit down somewhere. It will pass in a moment.
ROBERT
My poor Bertha! Sit down. Come.
(He leads her towards a chair near the table. She sits down. He stands beside her.)
ROBERT
(After a short pause.) Has it passed?
BERTHA
Yes. It was only for a moment. I was very silly. I was afraid that... I wanted to see you near me.
ROBERT
That... that you made me promise not to think of?
BERTHA
Yes.
ROBERT
(Keenly.) Or something else?
BERTHA
(Helplessly.) Robert, I feared something. I am not sure what.
ROBERT
And now?
BERTHA
Now you are here. I can see you. Now it has passed.
ROBERT
(With resignation.) Passed. Yes. Love’s labour lost.
594
BERTHA
(Looks up at him.) Listen, Robert. I want to explain to you about that. I could not deceive Dick. Never. In nothing. I told him everything — from the first. Then it went on and on; and still you never spoke or asked me. I wanted you to.
ROBERT
Is that the truth, Bertha?
BERTHA
Yes, because it annoyed me that you could think I was like... like the other women I suppose you knew that way. I think that Dick is right too. Why should there be secrets?
ROBERT
(Softly.) Still, secrets can be very sweet. Can they not?
BERTHA
(Smiles.) Yes, I know they can. But, you see, I could not keep things secret from Dick. Besides, what is the good? They always come out in the end. Is it not better for people to know?
ROBERT
(Softly and a little shyly.) How could you, Bertha, tell him everything? Did you? Every single thing that passed between us?
BERTHA
Yes. Everything he asked me.
ROBERT
Did he ask you — much?
BERTHA
You know the kind he is. He asks about everything. The ins and outs.
ROBERT
About our kissing, too?
BERTHA
Of course. I told him all.
ROBERT
(Shakes his head slowly.) Extraordinary little person! Were you not ashamed?
BERTHA
No.
ROBERT
Not a bit?
BERTHA
No. Why? Is that terrible?
ROBERT
And how did he take it? Tell me. I want to know everything, too.
BERTHA
(Laughs.) It excited him. More than usual.
ROBERT
Why? Is he excitable — still?
595
BERTHA
(Archly.) Yes, very. When he is not lost in his philosophy.
ROBERT
More than I?
BERTHA
More than you? (Reflecting.) How could I answer that? You both are, I suppose?
(Robert turns aside and gazes towards the porch, passing his hand once or twice thoughtfully over his hair.)
BERTHA
(Gently.) Are you angry with me again?
ROBERT
(Moodily.) You are with me.
BERTHA
No, Robert. Why should I?
ROBERT
Because I asked you to come to this place. I tried to prepare it for you. (He points vaguely here and there.) A sense of quietness.
BERTHA
(Touching his jacket with her fingers.) And this, too. Your nice velvet coat.
ROBERT
Also. I will keep no secrets from you.
BERTHA
You remind me of someone in a picture. I like you in it... But you are not angry, are you?
ROBERT
(Darkly.) Yes. That was my mistake. To ask you to come here. I felt it when I looked at you from the garden and saw you — you, Bertha — standing here. (Hopelessly.) But what else could I have done?
BERTHA
(Quietly.) You mean because others have been here?
ROBERT
Yes.
(He walks away from her a few paces. A gust of wind makes the lamp on the table flicker. He lowers the wick slightly.)
BERTHA
(Following him with her eyes.) But I knew that before I came. I am not angry with you for it.
ROBERT
(Shrugs his shoulders.) Why should you be angry with me after all? You are not even angry with him — for the same thing — or worse.
596
BERTHA
Did he tell you that about himself?
ROBERT
Yes. He told me. We all confess to one another here. Turn about.
BERTHA
I try to forget it.
ROBERT
It does not trouble you?
BERTHA
Not now. Only I dislike to think of it.
ROBERT
It is merely something brutal, you think? Of little importance?
BERTHA
It does not trouble me — now.
ROBERT
(Looking at her over his shoulder.) But there is something that would trouble you very much and that you would not try to forget?
BERTHA
What?
ROBERT
(Turning towards her.) If it were not only something brutal with this person or that — for a few moments. If it were something fine and spiritual — with one person only — with one woman. (Smiles.) And perhaps brutal too. It usually comes to that sooner or later. Would you try to forget and forgive
that?
BERTHA
(Toying with her wristlet.) In whom?
ROBERT
In anyone. In me.
BERTHA
(Calmly.) You mean in Dick.
ROBERT
I said in myself. But would you?
BERTHA
You think I would revenge myself? Is Dick not to be free too?
ROBERT
(Points at her.) That is not from your heart, Bertha.
BERTHA
(Proudly.) Yes, it is; let him be free too. He leaves me free also.
ROBERT
(Insistently.) And you know why? And understand? And you like it? And you want to be? And it makes you happy? And has made you happy? Always? This gift of freedom which he gave you — nine years ago?
BERTHA
(Gazing at him with wide open eyes.) But why do you ask me such a lot of questions, Robert?
597
ROBERT
(Stretches out both hands to her.) Because I had another gift to offer you then — a common simple gift — like myself. If you want to know it I will tell you.
BERTHA
(Looking at her watch.) Past is past, Robert. And I think I ought to go now. It is nine almost.
ROBERT
(Impetuously.) No, no. Not yet. There is one confession more and we have the right to speak.
(He crosses before the table rapidly and sits down beside her.)
BERTHA
(Turning towards him, places her left hand on his shoulder.) Yes, Robert. I know that you like me. You need not tell me. (Kindly.) You need not confess any more tonight.
(A gust of wind enters through the porch, with a sound of moving leaves. The lamp flickers quickly.)
BERTHA
(Pointing over his shoulder.) Look! It is too high.
(Without rising, he bends towards the table, and turns down the wick more. The room is half dark. The light comes in more strongly through the doorway of the bedroom.)
ROBERT
The wind is rising. I will close that door.
BERTHA
(Listening.) No, it is raining still. It was only a gust of wind.
ROBERT
(Touches her shoulder.) Tell me if the air is too cold for you. (Half rising.) I will close it.
BERTHA
(Detaining him.) No. I am not cold. Besides, I am going now, Robert. I must.
ROBERT
(Firmly.) No, no. There is no must now. We were left here for this. And you are wrong, Bertha. The past is not past. It is present here now. My feeling for you is the same now as it was then, because then — you slighted it.
BERTHA
No, Robert. I did not.
ROBERT
(Continuing.) You did. And I have felt it all these years without knowing it — till now. Even while I lived — the kind of life you know and dislike to think of — the kind of life to which you condemned me.
BERTHA
I?
ROBERT
Yes, when you slighted the common simple gift I had to offer you — and took his gift instead.