Platoon F: Pentalogy

by John P. Logsdon

  “Captain wants to know the status,” Jezden asked.

  “Working on it.”

  “Hey, Gravity,” Jezden called over towards Hank, who momentarily slumped and then stood back up as if confused.

  “Where the daisies am I?”

  “Hey baby, it’s okay,” said Jezden, moving up behind her and putting his arms around her neck. “You’re with big daddy.”

  “Oooh, I can feel that little daddy wants to join the party too.”

  “You know it,” Jezden said while Geezer looked on disgustedly. “Maybe we could hit the supply closet for a few minutes, eh?”

  “I could definitely use a little release,” Gravity replied. “You know, they hardly ever let me out to play any more.”

  “Then let’s play.”

  “Does that thing ever stop growing?” she asked with a squeak.

  “Almost there.”

  “Jezden,” said Geezer, “are you going to be long? I need to get this system done.”

  “Fifteen minutes, tops.”

  “Ah, I see. So you’re planning to have sex with Gravity, yes?”

  “You know it, chief.”

  “And you’re in a fully aroused state at the moment, yeah?”

  “An award-winning aroused state, Geezer.”

  “And, Miss Plahdoo, I’m assuming he’s pressed nicely against your buttocks at the moment?”

  “Like a hot dog in a bun,” she purred.

  “Excellent,” Geezer said. “Hank, can you come back out and get back to work please?”

  “Did thomone call my name? Oooh, what’th thith? A little afternoon delight?”

  Jezden jumped away as Geezer laughed digitally.

  “Nasty!”

  “What?” said Hank. “You were the one that wath all prethed up againtht me, fella!”

  “Tell the captain I’ll be done in about 30 minutes, Ensign Jezden,” Geezer said while pointing at the exit.

  “Not cool, Geezer,” Jezden said as he walked by. “Not cool.”

  “What wath that all about?”

  “He’s just a little preoccupied…all the time. How’s 9 and 17?”

  “9 is perfect. Checking 17 now.”

  The connections all checked out and Geezer assumed that 17 would be flawless as well, seeing that he’d already gone over it three times himself. All that was left was to run through the calculations again, adjust the subharmonic frequencies of the Jesterpen Reddlecaster—another name he’d made up—and then press the button that would either transport the Reluctant or destroy it.

  Taking each calculation in turn, he used three different displays, plugging in the values from each and triple-checking the results. Nothing was out of place. Of course, it did assume that the numbers he’d originally plugged in were accurate. The one anomaly was that he’d discovered that there were actually more then two possible locations the ship could end up at. Many more. To compensate, he added an additional decimal point and value to the calculations so that he could pinpoint which dot he wanted to hit. The problem was that he hadn’t quite figured out which dot went with which number.

  “17 checkth out.”

  “Thanks, Hank. You’re a gem.”

  “Awe thuckth, thtop it.”

  “Any chance I can talk to Lieutenant Laasel for a moment?”

  “Thur,” Hank said. A blink later, “Chief Engineer Geezer? Why am I in engineering?”

  “It must be tough having all of these personalities,” Geezer said. “Isn’t there any way you could merge them all somehow?”

  “I don’t know,” the lieutenant said, sitting down and looking haggard. “I don’t even understand why I have them at all.”

  “Well, listen, if we survive this jump, why don’t we look into fixing you up?”

  “Really?”

  “Sure, why not? I think if we combined your three personalities into one, you’d be better off anyway, don’t you?”

  “I suppose so.”

  “Plus, it’d be nice to know which one of you I’m talking to all the time.”

  “I wouldn’t mind not losing time.”

  “The only issue is to figure out which of you will be in charge.”

  “Me,” she said.

  Geezer nodded, but had the feeling that the other two would have something to say about that.

  “Anyway, I’m going to need you to head back up to the bridge and sit at the helm so we can get through this. We’re not going to need standard propulsion to start the jump, but in the event that we need it once we arrive, I’d feel better knowing our best pilot was on the job.”

  “Thanks, Geezer,” she said, patting his shoulder as she got up. “I’ll inform the captain that we’re ready.”

  “Aye,” he said, worriedly.

  BLINK #1

  Captain Harr was not one who enjoyed the prospect of uncertainty, and the GONE Drive was the epitome of the unknown. On the one hand, it could be that revolutionary jump that could really put the Segnal System on the map, as it were; on the other hand, it could be a complete wash, leaving The Reluctant and all of its inhabitants decompiled at the touch of a button.

  Androids or not, his crew was his crew.

  Harr was the only human on board, but after spending nearly a year with the members of Platoon F, he imagined that they were more human than even he was. Still, it would be nice to have another actual human that he could commiserate with. There was one of the new recruits, Johnson, but he was still in Basic and, from the last check on his progress, would probably be there for some time.

  “Ready when you are, honcho,” said Geezer through the comm.

  “Confidence level?”

  “50/50.”

  “Wonderful.”

  “That’s pretty shitty, actually.”

  “I was being sarcastic, Geezer.”

  “Ah.”

  “What’s the routine?” Harr asked, adjusting in his command chair.

  “Well, you say go and I’ll press the button.”

  “Then what?”

  “You already know the answer to that, prime. We’re either golden or we’re goners.”

  “Right.” Harr stood up. “Listen up, people. As you all know, we’re about to test out an experimental drive. There is a lot of risk involved in this, and it could very well be that we won’t survive it. Now, if any of you would prefer to not be a part of this test, I’d suggest you get to a lifeboat, hop in, launch out, and if you don’t hear from us within a week, send out a distress beacon and let the brass know what happened.”

  They all just looked at him.

  “No takers?”

  None.

  Harr nodded proudly.

  “Well, whatever deity you’ve been programmed to believe in, assuming you have been, being that the military made you and all…give him or her a quick nod and hope that we get through this.” He sat back down and slapped his comm. “Geezer?”

  “Here, cap’n.”

  “We’re a go. Full shielding is up, all visuals have been deactivated, and weapons systems are in lock-down. Press the button.”

  “T-Minus 99—”

  “Geezer!”

  “Fine! T-Minus 3…2…1…”

  Everyone looked around at each other.

  Nothing had appeared to have happened.

  Not a clink or a shake or a bang or, well, anything.

  “Geezer?”

  “Here.”

  “What happened?”

  “Well, we’re still alive, so I guess it worked.”

  “It did?”

  “Looks like it, chief.”

  “Helm? Where are we?”

  “Holy shit,” said Jezden, who was not the helm. “Based on my calculations, we’re like 11 light years away from Segnal Prime!”

  “And from my readings,” said Laasel, “we’re on a planet.”

  “What?” Harr said, jumping up. “Get me visual, now!”

  The screens came to life, flickering briefly. They revealed a panorama of hills, trees, g
rass, and a blue sky with wispy clouds. It looked somewhat similar to Segnal Prime, actually. There was a little red building in the distance. About 30 feet away from The Reluctant sat a large machine of some sort that had tall, black tires. Inside of the machine sat a man who looked rather surprised.

  “Are you sure this isn’t Segnal Prime?” Harr asked.

  “Not according to the charts.”

  “Looks like the farming district,” said Harr. “Maybe our instruments are just screwed up?”

  “No mistake, honcho,” said Geezer through the comm. “I’ve triangulated our position by taking the point where we started, the place where we are, and the sun in sector 37. We’re definitely 11 light years out.”

  “Isn’t that what I said?” Jezden said, snidely.

  “Hmmm,” said Harr as the man outside of the ship stepped out of his machine and started walking toward the Reluctant.

  “What’s the atmosphere out there?”

  “Similar to Segnal Prime,” said Sandoo. “We can breathe in it.”

  Harr sniffed at that comment. Fact was that the androids could breathe in pretty much any environment. It was Harr that was ever at the disadvantage.

  “Open a channel to the outside and set the video to record,” Harr commanded. “And Geezer, do whatever adjustments you need to so we can get to our actual destination!”

  “On it, chief.”

  “Channel open, sir,” said Laasel.

  “This is Captain Don Harr of The SSMC Reluctant,” he said, firmly. “We mean you no ha…what’s he doing?”

  “Looks like he’s taking off his shoes, sir,” said Sandoo.

  “I can see that, Commander. What I don’t know is why he’s doing it.”

  “You could ask him,” suggested Jezden.

  “This could be pointless. I don’t even know if he can even speak our language,” said Harr.

  “Worth a shot, sir.”

  “Right,” Harr said, clicking the button again. “We mean you no harm.” The farmer looked baffled. Harr tried again. “WE…WILL…NOT…HURT…YOU…IN…ANY…WAY.”

  “I don’t think yelling and talking slowly is going to help the guy understand our language.”

  Harr grunted and then had an idea. “Don’t we have a universal translator?”

  “We do, sir,” said the lieutenant.

  “Activate it.”

  “Activated, sir.”

  “We mean you no harm,” Harr said, carefully. “Ours is a peaceful mission. We have traveled to your planet to speak with you and to probe your ways.”

  The farmer looked somewhat terrified, but nodded as if he’d understood. Then he spun around, pulled down his pants, and grabbed his buttocks.

  “Woah!” Harr shouted, “Okay, okay, didn’t need to see that. Shut off the video and seal us back up.”

  “Video shut down, sir.”

  “And erase that last feed.”

  “No can do, sir,” said Ensign Jezden.

  “Pardon me, Ensign?”

  “Standing orders from Rear Admiral Parfait, sir. Any video captured on any mission, specifically those that contain any forms of nudity, must be retained for detailed study by the office of the Rear Admiral.”

  “You’re kidding me,” said Harr.

  “No, sir. It’s such a deep seated memory that we all know it word for word.”

  Harr looked around at his crew of androids. They were all nodding their heads.

  Geezer chimed through the comm, “Got fresh coordinates plugged in, cap’n, but something weird just happened.”

  “What now?”

  “You remember that little model ship I made to test the GONE Drive on?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, it just appeared on my desk here for about 3 seconds.”

  “What happened to it?”

  “Not sure. Just disappeared again.”

  The video turned back on and the farmer was still standing in the same precarious position, but he was now looking wistfully over his shoulder.

  “Turn that off, Lieutenant!”

  “Thorry, thir. I jutth wanted to thee what all the futh was a about.”

  “Ready for me to hit the button, chief?”

  “For the love of all that’s holy, Geezer, yes. Press the blasted button!”

  “T-Minus…”

  “Now!”

  “Fine!”

  BLINK #2

  “Geezer?”

  “I know, I know…wrong location again.”

  There were a lot of really interesting things in space that Captain Harr had dreamed of studying when he was a young boy working in his father’s office. Supernovas, nebula, dwarf stars, moons, planets, and, of course, black holes. But there was something vastly different about studying a black hole from a safe distance and being sucked closer and closer to the event horizon of one.

  “We’re sitting at the precipice of a black hole, Geezer. I need an update, yesterday!”

  “I’m just waiting for the charge to come back, chief.”

  “Helm?”

  “Propulthion ith only thlowing uth down, Captain,” said Hank, “it’th not going to thtop uth from falling in.”

  “Any idea how much time we’ve got?”

  “Two minuteth.”

  “Geezer?”

  “I heard him, I heard him.”

  “And?”

  “It’ll take about five minutes to charge, honcho. No bones about it.”

  “You did hear that whole part about us all being trapped in the pulls of a black hole in two minutes, right?”

  “I’m thinking…”

  Harr felt the sweat beading on his forehead as the impending end loomed calmly ahead. If he were to perish in such a manner, it would at least be novel. Hell, he’d almost been put to death at the end of a rope for a military mistake, so going like this would be a major step up.

  Would it hurt? Considering the fact that the pulling force at one end of his body would be much stronger than on the opposite, causing a spaghettification, of sorts, he assumed that he’d be snapped apart at a molecular level. So, unless it happened so ridiculously fast that he didn’t have time to even yelp, it’d probably be not all that pleasant.

  “Geezer?”

  “Okay, I got it,” Geezer said. “I’m going to need someone to come down and press this button, pronto.”

  “Sandoo?”

  “On my way,” Commander Sandoo said as he bolted across the bridge and hit the ladder, obviously footing the rails and sliding down.

  “That was fast,” said Geezer into the comm.

  “What was?”

  “He’s here already, prime…and there’s that damn ship again.”

  “What ship?”

  “The model…oh, it’s gone again. Very odd.”

  “Indeed,” said Harr, having more pressing issues to deal with at the moment. “Okay, so now what?”

  “I just connected the device to my battery, cap’n. There’s enough juice in there to cover the bounce, but it’ll knock me on my ass. Might even kill me.”

  Harr didn’t like the sound of that. If Geezer bit the dust and they made it out of this alive, they didn’t have another engineer to take his slot. Sure, there were a few of the ensigns on board that had helped out with getting the original propulsion systems on line when The Reluctant was faced with crashing into that Kortnor space station a year ago; but they weren’t, well, Geezer.

  “Any other options?”

  “Not available within the next twenty-five seconds, sire.”

  “Understood.” Harr took a quick breath and said in a strong voice, “Listen, if this doesn’t work out in your favor, Geezer, just know that you’ve been an instrumental part of this crew and a real pleasure to work with.”

  “Gee, thanks, honcho,” Geezer said in a tone that dripped sarcasm. “Maybe if I pull through we can drop the lights low, put on some smooth jazz, and spoon.”

  “I’m for that,” said Hank.

  “Fine,” Harr said, curtly
, seeing that there were only 10 seconds left. “Press the button.”

  “T-minus—”

  “Geezer!”

  “I’m kidding! Jeez…can’t a robot even have one last hurrah?”

  BLINK #3

  From the looks of things, they were in the middle of nowhere. Being that they were in space, that was always somewhat true, but this time it really seemed that way.

  “Geezer?”

  “He’s out, sir,” Sandoo replied through the comm. “Has a little light on that’s pulsing, but other than he’s just kind of laying on the floor.”

  “Anything you can do?”

  “I’m not a roboticist, sir.”

  Harr nodded as he looked out at the emptiness of space. There were stars, of course, but nothing was close by. In one respect, that was good. If they’d have ended up in another situation like the one they’d just gotten out of, for example, there would be no means of getting out of it. On the other hand, if they couldn’t figure out how to work the GONE Drive without Geezer, they’d be back to standard propulsion.

  “Helm, how far are we from Segnal?”

  “33 light years.”

  “Fuck,” said Jezden and then ducked his head and covered his mouth. “Sorry, sir.”

  Harr grimaced but let it go. “Ensign Jezden, you know everyone on our crew intimately.”

  “Just the women, sir.”

  “Not that kind of intimately, ensign. I mean you know all their skills and records.”

  “Oh, right, yeah, I know that stuff.”

  “Do we have any roboticists on board?”

  “There’s Ensign Sandy,” Jezden said, scratching his chin.

  “Belview Sandy?” said Commander Sandoo through the comm. “I thought he was trained in the culinary arts.”

  The last meal Captain Harr had endured on The Reluctant would spell that as being false.

  “No, sir, Belle Sandy. Belview’s sister.”

  “Oh,” said Sandoo. “As I recall, her records showed that she’d studied anatomy.”

  “Right,” said Jezden.

  Harr squinted. “I don’t understand?”

  “Well, sir, as you well know, we’re all androids on this ship…excepting you and Geezer, of course.”

  “I’m aware, ensign.”

  “Ensign Sandy has a, uh, well, a bit of a reputation for practicing her learned skill of anatomy on us, sir.”