Kaitlyn and the Highlander

by Diana Knightley

  James said, Katie, when you're done, a round of beer pong?”

  “Definitely!”

  Playing beer pong was fun. The whole party was fun. I was relieved to have the confrontation behind me, plus I had a secret. An admirer. A husband. Was I crazy?

  He couldn't take his eyes off me.

  I got kind of wild with power. Laughing and joking with my friends. James dropped another ball in my cup and I chugged. He laughed. “If I get you drunk enough Katie, maybe you'll go for another skinny dip later?”

  I scoffed. “You trying to get my clothes off James? Because that's not going to happen.”

  “I don't know, sober Katie told me off the other night, but I'm thinking drunk Katie might want a welcome back gift.” He was totally joking, and this was what we did, normal Katie-James banter. Most everyone at the party was watching and laughing. but the moment was also electric-charged because of the situation. The secret situation.

  I joked, “Sober Katie is a smart lady, but that doesn't mean Drunk Katie is stupid. Both wouldn't touch you with a ten foot pole—” I stretched my arms wide. “I mean,” I brought my arms slowly together, closer and closer, “a ten inch, I mean,” with my fingers right in front of his crotch I said, “a ten centimeter pole.”

  James laughed, and when I looked over at Magnus he laughed appreciatively, his eyes twinkling. He chugged from his beer...

  James said, “Truth is, Katie, you have the ability to make it grow, if that's what you want.”

  “Don't want.”

  “Suit yourself, but seems like you're probably in a bit of a dry spell. I'm just offering to give you a little something to see you through.”

  “The key words being little something.”

  More laughter from the group. The music was loud, the spirit high, the mood jovial. Magnus's eyes following me. James joking with me and me joking back. Yes, I was vibing.

  James said sarcastically, “See, this is why you're so universally adored, Katie, because you're such a nice girl.”

  Sarah added, “With claws.”

  Hayley said, “Sarah, I swear to god, stop bringing that up. A hundred percent you would have done it too.”

  “That's okay Hayley, no worries, everyone's seen the video, right Sarah? But hey, I trimmed my nails tonight. I won't damage James's pretty face.” I put down my beer and wiggled my fingertips toward Sarah. She smirked.

  James joked, “See, you said 'pretty face.' I'm working my magic on you.”

  “I meant that in the loosest sense of the term. Your face is pretty like the moon is beautiful, and flat and overly round and full of gaping craters.”

  Quentin fell on the floor he was laughing so hard.

  James said, “I missed you, Katie. So glad you're back.”

  I smiled and met Magnus's eyes.

  James said, “Magnus, beer pong table is open, you can try it out.”

  “I hae never played, Kaitlyn, will ye show me the game?”

  Hayley looked from him to me again.

  “Sure.” I explained the rules and showed him how to make the shot. We played. He was a fast learner, but I was far more skilled. When I made him drink, I yelled, “Suck it, Magnus,” just like I would have with one of my buddies.

  James said, “Watch out Magnus, that there is Katie's mating call. But if you're thinking her ass looks great in that dress, I have to warn you, our Katie is a handful. You're new to the island, find yourself a nice girl without this much attitude.” He chuckled, happy with himself.

  Magnus chucked the ball into a cup. “I believe I am able tae handle whatever Kaitlyn offers.”

  James, Michael, and Quentin all fell about riotously laughing. James boomed, “Challenge accepted! What do you think Katie, are you willing to welcome Magnus to our shores. I hear he's leaving, maybe a goodbye gift?”

  I raised my brows at Magnus, across the table. He didn't seem on the verge of announcing anything.

  I said, “James, I know you are a straight man, and completely inept at seeing what's attractive in other men, hence the pink shirt, but if you had an ounce of sense you'd see that if Magnus wanted a goodbye gift, every woman on the deck would give it to him.”

  James chuckled and feigned incredulousness. “What about you Hayley, do you have any idea what she's talking about?”

  Hayley grinned. “No idea.”

  Michael laughed. “I'm a dude, and I know Magnus is totally hot.”

  Magnus smiled mischievously. “Thank ye Micheal, I think ye are mighty bonnie as well.”

  We all cracked up.

  Michael held up a glass. “I'm spoken for though.”

  Hayley, tipsy, leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

  “Ah, then, Magnus, I know you're disappointed, and by my recollection you've been a month here. It's time for an American girl to throw a little action your way. We already discussed the merits, or lack of, of our Katie—”

  “She is spoken for, as am I.”

  James said, “What?”

  Magnus placed his paddle and ball on the table. The rest of the party, everyone within hearing distance, the core group, and the spectators, all went quiet.

  Hayley said, “Katie, what is he talking about?”

  James said, “Katie is spoken for — you know something we don't?”

  Our eyes met. He said, “Aye, by me.”

  Everyone looked around awkwardly.

  James laughed heartily. “Magnus, my man, despite the presence of your horse parked outside and the sword on your back, this is the 21st century. You don't get to just claim girls without a whole lot of hassle first.”

  Hayley said, “I'm sure Katie would need a bit of dating or some—” She paused watching me smile at Magnus. “Katie, what's going on, I left for work this morning, and you were still in your pajamas, heart-broken, because of this dude?”

  “A lot has changed today.”

  James said, “Okay, so Katie is dating the Scotsman? That makes my whole conversation earlier pretty awkward. Sorry man, with a little heads up I would have kept my hands off your girl.” He sized Magnus up. “Y'all aren't even touching each other though, how's a man to know you're together? You know, if you don't want other men flirting with your girl you need to send some clear signals.” He took a swig from his beer.

  Magnus smiled. “See though, Master Cook, watching Kaitlyn spar is one of my great joys. Stopping ye, would hae meant stopping her.”

  “True that. She has a way with belittling a man's manhood. You sure you can handle her?”

  “Aye, I am sure.” Magnus stood. “Kaitlyn, with all the preparations for the day, I must away. I winna see ye tomorrow unless... Would ye want me tae speak tae your father?”

  Every person at the party watched us converse across the deck, across the pingpong table, back and forth, as if we were volleying at a tennis game. The conversation was captivating because it was frankly so mysteriously unusual — the way Magnus was stiff and formal and speaking about something that probably sounded suspiciously like much more than a date.

  “I think it's okay, I'll talk to him about it. That will be best.”

  Hayley muttered, “Your father, what on earth for?”

  Magnus said, “The time for the following day is nae set, I think it would be past noon — I will speak with the priest and hae Emma call ye.”

  Eyes were boring into the side of my face, but I ignored them. “I'll need a dress?”

  “Aye.”

  Hayley's eyes were wide. “This better be for a date, Katie.”

  “I will see ye in two days, Kaitlyn Sheffield.”

  “I'll see you in two days, Magnus Campbell.” And he turned to go around the house to his waiting horse.

  In hindsight, I wondered if I had followed him would I have kissed my future husband, but he acted as if he wasn't planning to touch me, not until we were married. Which seemed excessively formal, but also very, very hot.

  Because by now, this point in our relationship, I was falling. From his ru
mbling voice saying, Kaitlyn, to his care and attention, and of course those shoulders. I was falling hard. And sinking because my knees were weak.

  I turned around, and Hayley said, “What the fuck, Katie, are you marrying him?”

  In answer I shrugged. “Yes?”

  Everyone started talking at once, or laughing, asking me to explain myself, making loud obnoxious observations about my sanity.

  Hayley commanded, “In the house, now. We need to talk.”

  As she dragged me by the arm, Quentin said, “Uh oh, Katie's in trouble.”

  She led me into the kitchen. Then stood, arms crossed, tapping her foot, a caricature of 'pissed off girlfriend.' “Explain yourself.”

  “So while you were at work today, I decided to get married to Magnus Campbell.”

  “The Scotsman with the sword? Have you lost your mind?”

  “No, I'm perfectly—”

  “Because you don't even know him, is it a green card thing?”

  “Kind of. Sort of. A little. His mother said—”

  “His mom? Look, I'm worried about you, this is like not just crazy, this is Dateline crazy. The kind of crazy that gets a cover on People magazine,”

  “I'm aware how it sounds.”

  “So his mother arranged it?”

  “Yes, today. I told her I wasn't agreeing until he came to speak to me, and he did, tonight.”

  “And that was enough? What did he say? You don't even know him, what if he beats you? What if he's part of some weird sister cult that lives on a mountain top, and no one notices until one day the town's puppies begin to disappear, and then they send out a private-eye, and there you are, chained to the chicken coop?”

  “That is a highly specific 'what if.'”

  “What if?”

  “I trust him.

  “How?”

  I thought for a second. “You know how me and James are always bantering back and forth? He was listening tonight, not minutes after we decided to get married, and he didn't even bat an eye. He thinks it's funny. That means he's not jealous, or crazy, or defensive, or an ass. He's got a sense of humor, plus he's not possessive. Okay next.”

  “You want me to keep asking questions?

  “Yes, I need to work this out.”

  “You, my dear friend, have always said, sleep with the guy, first date; if it sucks you won't have to disentangle yourself later. That was your motto. You haven't even kissed him yet. What if he's got one of those tongues that flops around in your mouth like a flounder. Or, oh my god, Katie, what if he's got a micro-penis?”

  I blinked. Okay, that would suck. And yes, that had been my motto. I was strictly in the sex might not fix a problem, but it sure is fun, camp. And I was very hot for him, someone, anyone right now. Especially him, which was a good sign I figured, since marriage was forever and all.

  “Earlier when I made that crack about James's tiny penis, if Magnus's had been of the micro variety I don't think he would have found it funny. He would have been offended. Right? So yeah, he's fine. Next question.”

  “What about the sword, the weird storm-omen business, the way he showed up on the beach, all that. What if he's dangerous?”

  I screwed my lips to the side and thought.

  Hayley got tired of waiting, swung open the refrigerator, got out two beers, popped open the tops, and handed me one. She took a swig and raised her brows, waiting.

  “I'm not sure. There is danger — apparently his stepfather is a brutal ass. He beat Lady Mairead. But that's in Scotland. We're in Florida. And he told me,” I lowered my voice and mimicked him, “I dinna mean tae let anythin' happen tae ye.” I grinned. “He'll keep me safe. He carries a sword.”

  Hayley shook her head. “Let me think of another one.” She paused. “What if you find out you just don't like him?”

  “I don't know, what if I found out that Braden was cheating on me a month before our wedding? What if I found out that James liked to sleep with a lot of different women? What if I end up like my parents, who are only united in one thing, their disappointment over me?”

  “What are they going to say?”

  “A crap ton of critical bullshit, but they'll come around because I'll be richer than them.”

  Hayley's eyes went wide. “I must be drunk, I totally forgot about the money. Whoa, you're going to be rich.”

  “I will be.”

  “Last one, he drives a horse.”

  “I'll drive his Mustang. I look prettier in it than my Prius anyway. You know you told me just yesterday that I should do the opposite of what I usually do. This is that. As a matter of fact, your advice is most of why I'm in this situation.”

  “I meant date a guy with a beard, or maybe go on a cruise to Jamaica and have a fling with an island guy. Get a job. Not become a mail-order bride.”

  I wrinkled my nose. “I'm a mail-order bride?”

  “A little bit.”

  We sat for a second. I drained the beer she literally just handed me. It was hard to think because of the buzz I had going. I needed some sleep. I would think better in the morning.

  I said, “Hayley, out on the walkway tonight, he said some things in like French or something, if you heard them you wouldn't be asking me these questions, you would be offering to take the day off work tomorrow to go wedding dress shopping with me like a good bridesmaid.”

  Her mouth turned up in a sad smile. “What kind of things?”

  “It was something about how I was his North Star and his one true love. I don't remember the words, but it was beautiful.”

  “You're going to marry him?”

  “I am. I think I have to, I signed a contract.”

  She said, “Oh my god, you're crazy.”

  Michael came in, “Is there any more beer?” James and Quentin came in a step behind.

  James asked, “Did you talk some sense into her, Hayley?”

  “I did. She's still going to marry him though, but hey, there's always divorce, right baby?” She turned to Michael who was staring into the refrigerator devoid of beer, trying to wrap his brain around it.

  He said, “What honey?”

  She tapped her cheek. He leaned in and kissed it. “Me and the boys are going to walk to the seven-eleven for more beer.”

  They clomped out of the house. Hayley turned to me. “I don't have to take the day off tomorrow, it's Saturday. What time do you want to go shopping?”

  Twenty-four

  What kind of dress do you buy for a church wedding, that is done in a hurry, under contract? I had no idea.

  When I picked out my dress for my wedding to Braden, it was a concoction of satin and lace and very, very expensive. The kind of dress that said celebrity wedding, but not the real kind of celebrity, the 'viral' kind of celebrity. Whatever. It had been the kind of dress to wear at a church with hundreds of witnesses.

  My guess was that this would be small. Me and Magnus, possibly Lady Mairead. My parents, if I figured out a way to tell them. I was putting it off until dinner because that was a whole 'nother can of worms.

  Hayley drove me to one of the best bridal shops in Jacksonville and explained to the saleswoman that we needed a dress, off the rack, that perfectly fit, for a wedding the very next day. Also that I had no idea what I wanted, or even what kind of wedding it was going to be. The saleswoman tried to narrow it down, she asked, “What is he like?”

  I said traditional.

  And that's how I ended up with a floor-length, full skirt dress with laces up the back. It was beautiful. Screamed 'wedding dress.' And fit me like a glove. It was $650, but that seemed fair. Plus, though I couldn't wrap my head around it, I would be rich by this time tomorrow.

  I decided not to do a veil, but we found a small headpiece with pearls. This whole thing took two hours, so it was 1:30 by the time we were through, stuffing the shopping bags and the gigantic dress box into the trunk of my car. We were hungry. We went for lunch at a beach restaurant and sat outside on the deck. Hayley said, “So this is your l
ast day as a single woman.”

  “Oh my God.”

  “See those boys over there?” I glanced over my shoulder, three men were at the bar, looking my way. “They've been checking you out since you walked in.”

  I tossed my hair. “Yeah, whatever.”

  “I'm just saying, you're doing an epic rebound thing here, going from jilted lover to married woman in about seven weeks. I think you'll miss being able to flirt with men and maybe there's another one out there in the world. Better suited.”

  “Better kilted you mean?”

  “Exactly.”

  The waitress delivered our drinks. “But I already bought the dress — no going back now. Even if that one on the right is very cute—“ I ducked my head. “Crap, he just raised his glass in my direction.”

  “You're giving all of that up for what exactly?”

  “A prince on a horse, a rich husband, a handsome man who's nice to me and seems to genuinely like me, who needs me for legal reasons, with a beach house.”

  Hayley sighed. “It's super hard to argue against all of that. Or any of that. Having any one of those things probably makes him a better catch than any other boy.”

  I blushed as one of the men stood and walked toward us. “Hi, I was wondering if you'd like to join us at our table?”

  Hayley said, “Actually my friend and I were just taking a break from her wedding dress shopping.”

  “Ah my bad, I didn't see a ring so...” He wandered away.

  “No ring,” said Hayley.

  “He said he'd give me one tomorrow.”

  Twenty-five

  On the ride home Hayley said, “So are you packing up tonight?”

  “Wait, what — I have to pack? What the hell is happening? Have I lost my mind? Crap, this is not good.” I fanned myself and pretended to hyperventilate, though actually the line between pretending to hyperventilate and actually hyperventilating was a really thin line.

  Hayley glanced over her driving arm. “Are you okay girl? Are you — look, just breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, there you go.”

  I was resting my head back, eyes closed. Images flashed in my head of me driving, and Magnus with his eyes closed, complete trust that I would get him where he needed to go.