Amaryllis (Suitors of Seattle)

by Osbourne, Kirsten

After breakfast, she did the dishes that they’d dirtied while he went to his office to start the day. She hated that they were fighting so much, but she didn’t have the words to say to stop them. She loved him with everything inside her, but until she could trust him just as much, she’d never be able to live comfortably or happily with him. If he would just admit to having cheated on her, she thought she’d be able to move on, but he was clearly unwilling to admit the truth to her.

  Amaryllis dragged her feet as she walked to the library. She and Alex hadn’t exchanged a single word that day. Usually she loved mornings, and her walk to work was one of her favorite parts of the day. She loved her job, and loved thinking about the things she would do once she got there. Everything about it made her happy.

  Not today, though. She was convinced that her marriage was over, even though it had barely started. She was going to spend the rest of her life with a man who didn’t even want to talk to her.

  Lawrence was at the library again that day, and kept trying to get her to talk to him. Alex showed up halfway through the day, not with her lunch, but obviously to check up on her. He didn’t say a word to her, but looked through the library, and when he spotted Lawrence, he glared at her like he never wanted to speak to her again.

  She received her pay that day, as she did the first of every month, and walked to the bank her father owned to deposit it. She stepped into the bank, and instead of checking to see if he was in to talk to her like she usually did, she went to one of the clerks up front to do her business and turned toward the door.

  “Amaryllis!” Fred called, spotting her as she was leaving the bank. He’d expected her to deposit her pay that day, so he’d been watching for her, hoping he could talk to her and see how she was faring.

  She turned and waved, walking toward him, dreading talking to him. She just didn’t want anyone to know just how badly her relationship with Alex was going. “Hello, Papa.”

  He ushered her into his office, gesturing to the seat across from his desk. “How’s Alex treating you?” he asked.

  Amaryllis immediately burst into tears, shaking her head, but saying nothing.

  “Rilly, what’s going on? Why are you so upset?”

  She took a shuddering breath and explained the whole thing to him. He knew about Alex and Sarah, of course, but he didn’t realize she was still upset about it. Finally, after her halting explanation that had been punctuated by sobs and sniffles, she pulled out her handkerchief and wiped her eyes and nose.

  Fred was shaking his head at her. “I talked to Higgins.”

  Amaryllis shrugged. She wasn’t sure why that was news. Her father and Higgins had become friends in the years Higgins had been in Seattle. “And?”

  “He told me all about Sarah. She wasn’t a young lady Alex was cheating on you with. She was a widow who hired him to do odd jobs. She kept Alex from having to do backbreaking work at the docks, so she made his life much better. She also offered him companionship, which he really needed. Most of the young men at the college had money, and he never really fit in, because of his social status.” He leaned back in his chair. “He never did anything to betray you, Rilly. You’ve judged the man unfairly, without ever giving him a chance to defend himself, and you’ve been doing it for years.”

  Amaryllis’s eyes widened. That was the exact story that Alex had told her. Higgins wouldn’t lie for him, though. “Really, Papa?”

  “Really. It’s time for you to go home, and apologize to your husband and start trusting him.”

  “But he’s hiding other things from me as well.”

  Fred sighed. “He’ll tell you everything you need to know in his own time. Don’t give up on your marriage just because you don’t think you can trust him. You can. I’ve known Alex for years, and there’s not a finer young man out there.” He paused, leaning forward on his desk to be certain he had her attention. “I don’t like the way you two had to get married so quickly, but there’s nothing else that I can find to fault the young man about. He’s a good person, and you will be happy with him if you’ll just let yourself.”

  “I didn’t know,” she said in a whisper.

  “You also need to get your husband’s name put on your bank account so he can withdraw money when he needs to. Your salary at the library isn’t much, but you’ve saved it all for more than a year. It’s enough to rent a larger house, or even buy a small house outright. You and Alex should find a bigger place to live.” He stood. “Come with me and we’ll fill out the paperwork.”

  Amaryllis stood and followed, filled out the paperwork, and walked the whole way home in a daze. Had she really done the same thing she’d accused Alex of doing? Had she mistrusted him for no reason, when he had truly done nothing wrong? What kind of woman did that make her? She’d never thought of herself as a jealous person, but apparently, that’s exactly what she was.

  When she arrived home, she found Alex at the stove cooking dinner for them. She put down the book she’d carried with her, and walked up behind him, rubbing his shoulders and slowly moving her hands around to his chest. She didn’t like the way he was checking up on her at work, of course, but she understood better now. Circumstances made them both feel they couldn’t trust the other.

  Alex turned and looked at her in surprise. What had come over her that she was now acting as if she was happy to see him?

  “Why are you suddenly acting like you like me again?” he asked bluntly.

  She sighed. “I just went to the bank to deposit my pay, and I had a long talk with my papa.”

  “That’s good, I guess. What does that have to do with us?”

  “I’m so sorry, Alex. I never should have accused you of seeing Sarah when we were courting. I should have believed you when you told me the truth about her.”

  He shook his head. “I guess he and John had a talk, and your father found out the truth? So you can believe your papa, who heard it from John, who heard it from my mother, who heard it from me, but you can’t believe me? Why would you believe a story that’s gone through so many people when you couldn’t just believe me? Your husband?”

  She hung her head, refusing to look at him. “I’m so sorry, Alex. I should have believed in you.”

  “Yes, you should have. It really hurts my feelings to find out that you believe everyone in the world, but not me. Why is everyone else more trustworthy than I am?”

  “I was hurt. Doesn’t that make sense to you?”

  “Yes, it does make sense that you were hurt. What doesn’t make sense is that you were willing to throw away a love you had for me, your ‘soul mate’ because of something you had no proof of. And now, just because someone else says it’s true, all is well, and suddenly I’m trustworthy again. I love you, Amaryllis, but my love for you has never wavered. I wish I could say the same for you.”

  She nodded. “I understand. I hope you’ll be able to forgive me someday.” She turned to walk away, but he caught her by the shoulder.

  “I need some time to get over this. It does anger me that you believe someone else and not me, but I still love you. I want to work this out.”

  She turned to look at him. “Will you trust me that nothing is happening between Lawrence and me, the same way I trust you?”

  He shrugged. “I never kissed Sarah. I heard you and Lawrence talk about kissing. And we were already married. That really bothers me.”

  Amaryllis sighed. “I kissed him before we were engaged. I kissed him when I thought we’d never be able to reconcile, and it was only one kiss.”

  “Was I already back in town when you kissed him?” he asked. He wasn’t sure why the answer to that question was so important to him, but it was. When he’d arrived in town, he’d made it very clear that he’d wanted nothing more than to marry her. If she’d kissed another man after that, he wasn’t sure if he could forgive her.

  She bit her lip and then nodded slowly. “Yes, it was the night before we…consummated our relationship.”

  He sighed. “That’s why I
can’t trust you and Lawrence. You knew I was in love with you when you kissed him. You knew I was here and wanting to marry you. You knew you were the most important thing in my life. And you kissed him.”

  She closed her eyes, feeling like a blow had fallen on her. “I’m sorry. I had been seeing him before you came back to town, and he asked if he could kiss me. I wanted to see if I would react to another man’s kisses the same way I’d reacted to yours. I’d never kissed anyone but you.” She took a deep breath, not wanting to give him more power over her until he told her everything, but knowing she needed to. “Kissing him was like kissing my father or my uncle. There was no feeling there. You kiss me and a slow fire spreads through my entire body. He kissed me, and I felt like taking a nap.”

  Alex looked down at her and pulled her up against him, understanding how hard those words had been for her. “We’re going to make our marriage work, Amaryllis, but it’s going to take me time to get over the fact that you can’t trust me the way you trust everyone else in your life.”

  She nodded, standing on tiptoe to brush a kiss across his lips. “I do love you, Alex.”

  He sighed, clutching her to him. Those were the words he’d been waiting to hear. “I know you do. We just need to figure out how to interact with each other without always fighting and hurting each other. Trust is too important to keep going on this way.”

  “I think the reason that I believed it so readily is you had once written daily, and then it went down to weekly. You didn’t seem to have time for me anymore, and it just seemed to make sense that there was someone else in your life.” She shook her head. “It doesn’t excuse me, of course, but I do want you to understand where my mind was.”

  “I was staying up until all hours writing you a letter every day. I wasn’t getting enough sleep. I never should have started it. I used the excuse of your mother being against our relationship, but the honest truth was I couldn’t keep up.” He sighed. “I was actually relieved when you wrote to me and said you were too young to commit. I was able to stop writing to you and focus on getting finished with school so I could come home and marry you.” He stroked her cheek with the back of his finger. “That was always my goal, though. To hurry home so we could start our lives together.”

  “So you really expected that when you got home I’d be waiting for you, and we’d marry right away?”

  “The day after I got here, I walked to your house with a bouquet of flowers in my hand and an engagement ring in my pocket. I fully expected to leave your house with a wedding date in mind.”

  “I never saw you! Did my parents turn you away?” She stared up at him in surprise.

  “I was in front of your neighbor’s house when I saw you pull up with Lawrence. I dropped the flowers and walked back here. I thought I’d lost you.”

  She sighed. “I really never had feelings for him. I promise.”

  His hand stroked over her cheek. “So you’ll stop seeing him then?”

  She shook her head. “I never see him outside the library!”

  “I don’t even want you to see him in the library.”

  “Are you asking me to quit my job so I don’t have to interact with men other than you? Don’t you think that’s just a little bit obsessive?” She folded her arms over her chest and glared at him.

  “Can’t you just hire an assistant to deal with him?”

  “I don’t deal with hiring for the library. The city does. I’ll make you a deal. If you can get the city to hire an assistant to just deal with Lawrence, then fine. Otherwise, I’m going to have to deal with him. I promise that I will not go to dinner with him again or kiss him again. That should be enough for you.”

  He took a step toward her, obviously angry. “I don’t want you talking to him.”

  She stepped closer to him, standing toe to toe with her head back so she could look up at him. “I refuse to do my job by writing notes to the man. He’s there almost every day working.”

  He growled low in his throat, obviously annoyed that she wasn’t backing down. “I don’t think you need to work there.”

  “I think working there makes me happy. If I had a child to care for, I’d have something to do all day, but as it is, working gives me a reason to get up in the mornings!”

  He grabbed her around her waist, and she watched as the anger warred within him. She knew his father had been abusive, and the thought crossed her mind that he could be as well, but she didn’t worry. How could she worry that Alex would hurt her? Yes, he was angry, but he could never get that angry.

  He glared down at her. He wouldn’t hit her. He couldn’t hit her. He had to do something though. He pulled her to him and pressed his mouth to hers, kissing her thoroughly. She spent the first few seconds of the kiss trying to push him away, but then her hands went to the back of his neck and she held him to her, kissing him with all she had inside her.

  Before either of them knew what had happened they were naked on the bed, and he was over her, stroking her and telling her she was beautiful.

  As she curled into his arms afterward, she was pleased he had his own way of dealing with anger, and it was nothing like his father’s. His way was actually very nice.

  Chapter Seven

  When they got up to eat the stew he’d prepared, she found she couldn’t look at him. She was so embarrassed by the way she’d responded to his kisses. She had considered herself an intelligent woman until he had come back into her life. Now she seemed to only be able to respond to her own base urges. Was she truly no better than an animal?

  Finally after a few minutes of total silence, she brought up the money in her bank account. “When I saw Papa at the bank, he added your name to my account. I don’t get paid a lot, but I never spend the money I make. Papa said there’s enough money there to either rent a bigger place or even buy a small house.”

  Alex shook his head. “No, I need to provide for you. Keep your money.”

  She sighed. “So, the money I make is mine, but the money you make is ours? Is that how this works?” What was it about men that they thought they had to be the sole breadwinners of their homes? She was amazed that Alex had such antiquated ideas. She really was going to have to join the suffragette movement, just to get him to understand that she was capable of thinking.

  He shrugged. “I never thought of it that way. I just feel like I need to be the one to provide for our family.”

  “But if my money can allow us to live a little more comfortably, shouldn’t we take advantage of that? Wouldn’t it be my choice if I want to live in a nicer place?”

  “Are you saying I don’t provide well enough? I know this isn’t what you’re used to, but I just finished school. And you knew all along that my plan was to take on as many pro bono clients as I could to help the battered women of the area.”

  “Yes, I did know that, and I’m happy to live this way, but we don’t have to. Why not use my money?”

  He shook his head. “I don’t want to feel like I have to have my wife’s salary to live. I’ve been independent for years now. I can’t take from you.”

  “So you’re willing to cook, which is the ‘woman’s job’, but you’re not willing to let me do anything that could be the man’s job like earning a living? Or I can earn it, but I’m not allowed to use it?”

  “You can use it all you want. You just can’t use it to support us.”

  She’d heard enough at that point. She stood, thanked him for dinner, and announced she was going for a walk. “I’ll do the dishes when I get home.” She didn’t wait for him to respond, and since she’d dressed again, but he was only wearing his pants, he couldn’t follow her.

  She hurried away from the house, having no real destination in mind, but knowing she needed to get away from him. Once she was several streets over with no sign of him, she slowed a bit. She walked aimlessly through the streets glad that it was September and she could see where she was going in the fading light.

  Twenty minutes later, she found herself in fr
ont of her sister Lily’s house, realizing that Lily would be able to help her better than anyone. Lily had always been a tomboy and had loved hunting and fishing as they grew up. She and her husband lived contentedly, even though Amaryllis knew Lily still wore pants the majority of the time.

  When she knocked on the door, Daniel opened it. He took one look at her tear-stained spectacles and opened the door wide for her to enter. He put her in the parlor and said, “I’ll go get Lily. She’s putting the babies down.”

  Amaryllis didn’t sit, but instead prowled around the small parlor. She looked at the things Lily had made. She knew her sister kept trying to do “girl things” and made small pillows for the parlor. Most were strange shapes. Some you couldn’t even tell what the original shape was supposed to be. She shook her head. Poor Lily.

  Lily came in a moment later sitting on the sofa and patting the spot beside her. “What’s wrong?”

  Amaryllis plopped down beside Lily, noting that her sister was wearing men’s pants and a button up shirt. “Does it bother Daniel that you don’t wear dresses all the time?”

  Lily laughed. “I thought it did when we first married, so I stopped wearing pants, and he got upset. He says he likes how my bottom looks in pants,” she admitted with a blush.

  Amaryllis shook her head at her sister. “I really thought Alex was more progressive in his thinking than he’s turned out to be. He doesn’t mind doing the cooking for us, because I have no idea how, but he doesn’t think we should use my money for anything. I have to just leave it in the bank and use it for whatever suits me.”

  Lily raised an eyebrow. “Well, it hurts his pride that he can’t provide a nice enough place for you without your money.” She acted as if that were the most normal thing in the world.

  “But I want to enjoy the money I earn. We don’t even have a water closet, Lily. I have to use an outhouse. Which is fine, but I’d rather have a nicer place, and with the money I’ve saved, we can afford one.”

  Lily bit her lip considering. “Would he turn down a gift from you?”