The Face You See

by Amelia Legend

  I shake my head slowly.

  “You never know. If Mark sees you walk to your room naked, he might rape you.”

  I am not really sure what that means, but I know that it is not good.

  “Do you want that?” She looks at Avery as if to say this also is for her to hear.

  I shake my head, and my tears starting to fall down my face.

  “Good. Make sure you don’t do it again, or he might.” She turns silently to leave without looking back. I fall to the floor, scared. Why would she marry someone like that?

  I wake up with the crushing weight of fear. No child should live in such a constant state of fear, under a perpetual shadow. I feel bile rise in my throat. I barely make it to the bathroom before I heave. My tears mingle with my vomit. Why did my mother have to marry that man?

  Why, God? Why? I’m suddenly angry. Why do some kids get stuck with horrible circumstances while others don't?

  I don’t want to be afraid anymore. I don’t want to live this lie every day. It hurts so much; I feel it’s slowly wearing down my soul. I can feel sorrow changing me into someone unrecognizable. This mask I wear, this facade of a happy, “normal” kid, doesn’t seem to fit the same now that hope of freedom grows inside me. It’s painful to admit the truth—that I’m too tired to keep pretending—but I’m terrified of who I am when I let the mask go. I’m afraid that the scared girl I keep hidden inside won’t be strong enough to face this world, that the woman she turns into will remind me of my mother.

  It’s easier to push people away than let them in. It’s easier to pretend to be strong than it is to admit that you need help. What if there is no one who is willing to help? What if there is no one who loves you enough to care? What if …?

  I’m not sure I can let go just yet, but I want to try, I think to myself as I drift back to sleep.

  Somehow I wake up so early I don’t quite remember when exactly I fell asleep. Groggy and still wearing my clothes from the day before, I take a deep breath and make my way to the kitchen toward coffee. I hear people before I see them, and I say a little prayer that nothing bad happens. My sister is at the table, and my mother and Mark are in the kitchen whispering, undoubtedly about me.

  But they ignore me. I don’t even get a cursory glance.

  The entire breakfast they talk among themselves and to my baby sister, but not once do they include me. They ignore me as I get my coffee, they ignore me as I eat, and they even ignore me as Amanda talks to me about the kids in her kinder-care. I do see Mark giving me a scowl as Amanda, who is completely oblivious to the cold shoulder I am receiving, asks me questions about my Christmas. He obviously doesn’t want me to taint his daughter.

  Mark takes Amanda to the park after breakfast, and still my mother refuses to speak one word to me. By about noontime, I am starting to move on from feeling guilty to a little pissed off—actually more than a little. I walk around the house straightening up and scrubbing the filth, and I get nothing but silence. My brother finally opens his door, and all he does is beckon me over to his room. Oh no, not him too.

  I walk over to him, not sure I can handle another verbal heartbreak, but as I walk into his room, he wraps me in a big hug. Shutting the door behind me, he lets me go and we both sit on his bed. The tears are already falling from my eyes. I don’t even care anymore if anyone sees. I am so weary of this. I’m not sure how much longer I can fight for a family that just doesn’t give a shit about me.

  “I am so happy for you,” he whispers.

  My head snaps up, and I see nothing but honesty in his eyes. “I am glad you are going to be living with Dad. I wish he and I could get along, but we don’t.”

  After a long moment, he continues, “I need to stay here and look after Mom anyway. I won’t leave her and Amanda alone with Mark.”

  I understand why he feels that way, but I am still sad that he has resigned himself to this role in the family—the protector. I wish he didn’t need to be, but he is.

  I also wish he and my dad got along better. A few years ago, my brother was high and picked a fight with my dad. Ryan was going through a lot at the time, but my dad didn’t deserve all the things Ryan said to him. He couldn’t take his rage out on the one person he wanted to—Mark. Nevertheless, he walked out my dad’s door and never spoke to him again.

  Pride is apparently an issue in my family.

  I looked into my brother’s eyes, knowing that this decision that I have made will come between us eventually. In our family, you have to take sides. Our parents demand nothing less. I will miss him like I will miss a limb that has been removed. It’s always a missing piece of you. You learn to live without it, but you’re never quite whole again.

  “How bad has it been here since we left?” I ask as my brother winces.

  “Bad. Mom was crying a lot, but she took a bunch of pills.” He looks at me knowingly. It’s no secret our mother has a pill problem. He continues, “Mark and her got into it a few times, but nothing out of the norm.” Unfortunately our norm is quite ugly.

  “I’m so sorry, Ryan. It wasn’t my intention to leave forever, not like Avery. I was trying to split time up as equally as I can, but I guess that doesn’t really matter at this point …”

  “Don’t worry about it. Honestly, it will blow over.” Ryan tries to make me feel better, but I’m not sure I can believe him. This changes everything.

  “They are just pissed because it feels like Dad has won. To them, this feels like people know now how bad things are. They’re humiliated. They always want people to believe that there is nothing wrong, like we’re the perfect family.” He pauses and looks like he is holding something back.

  I begin to worry. “What?”

  “They are telling people Dad brainwashed you.” He looks like he regrets saying it. “They are saying to their friends that you girls wanted to be with your rich dad. As if you are gold-digging teenagers.”

  I close my eyes, not wanting to hear more. Our family, my parents’ friends we have known our whole lives, will now think the worst of me. They are destroying every relationship I have ever had—my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, my cousins. Everyone.

  “Why?” I plead as if Ryan can give me all the answers to my mother’s punishment.

  My brother looks like he doesn’t know if he should go on. I can tell when he decides. He looks up at me silently, and I know he won’t say another word on the subject.

  Too many secrets in one family.

  “Well, should we finally report Mark? What should we do?” I ask.

  “I don’t know … In California, apparently child abuse is pretty difficult to prove. Unless one of us were hospitalized, it’s our word against theirs. I’ve been reading up on it, and I just don’t know if we would have a solid case.” He looks like a lost boy.

  What a broken system to leave children to make these types of decisions. And all the rest of us who fall through the cracks are left to forge a way out of abuse.

  How could this happen to children?

  The rest of the weekend goes by in constant silence as I accept our lack of options. Aside from my iPod keeping me company and stolen moments with little Amanda, time passes rather slowly. I try to occupy my thoughts with schoolwork. I stay in my room most of the time except for meals, where I am still expected to cook and clean but not be spoken to. I hope this silence will pass; otherwise, my weekends will get worse.

  After another sleepless night, I drive over to Jem’s extra early to avoid the awkward silence before school. I’m done caring at this point. She texted me last night to invite me for French toast, and there is nothing better than her mom’s French toast.

  I walk through the door, finally feeling like I am coming home. The house is so cozy; it’s still decorated for Christmas. Mama Bea really goes all out. I hear her and Jem chatting in the kitchen. Unfortunately I hear Jett’s voice too, which immediately puts me on edge, but I try to remember our truce.

  “Hello, love.” Mama Bea spots me and comes ove
r to give me a kiss. I love this woman. She is still in her sweats, now standing over the stove with her hair standing on end, but she is the most beautiful woman to me. Honestly, I hope I am just like this woman someday. She takes in all the neighborhood kids who have problems at home and loves them as her own. There is no place like Mama Bea’s.

  Looking me up and down, Jem exclaims, “You look awesome!” She squeals as she runs over to me and wraps me in a hug. “You have to do my eyeshadow this morning. Come!” Jem grabs my hand and bounces out of the room with me in tow.

  Once we make it to her disaster of a room, she sits down in front of her vanity. “Tell me everything.”

  I go on to tell her everything, including the conversation at my dad’s when they told me Avery planned to stay, the nightly phone calls, and the silence I endured when I returned to my mother’s. I still wince when I tell her how Mark told me I was dead to them. Her brown eyes widen when I tell her that detail.

  “Oh my God! I am so sorry, Dannie.” She looks like she wants to cry for me, but we both know she is a tough cookie. I hold nothing back because the thing about Jem is that you can tell her anything and she will never tell another soul. It’s why I love her.

  “Breakfast is ready!” we hear coming from the kitchen. Mama Bea will come looking for us if we don’t hurry up.

  “We will finish this later. You still have to tell me all about your night with Reed.” She winks while passing me. I was hoping she would have forgotten that, because although it went well, it wasn’t more than a night with a friend. I hate to admit I’m sad it wasn’t more, but I get my butt up and follow her to the kitchen, trying to swallow my disappointment.

  When we walk into the kitchen, I head for the coffeepot like the addict I am. Jett turns around as I pass him, and his eyes linger a little longer that I want them to on my body. My face heats up, but I hide the fact with my thick hair as I turn away.

  He clears his throat, drawing my attention. “How was your Christmas?” This was the first Christmas in two years I didn’t stay here. I didn’t think it was appropriate now that I wasn’t Jett's girlfriend, so I stayed away.

  “It was great. How was yours?” I try to smile as sincerely as I can, even if I don’t feel it. He can tell though; we have known each other too long for me to hide it.

  “Quiet.” He leans against the counter and crosses his arms.

  We both feel what is unsaid between us. It isn’t the same. He knows it, and so do I, but that is the choice we made. Before he can say anything more, I nod, walk past him silently, and sit at the table next to Mama Bea as she starts asking me all about my holiday.

  On the way to school, Jem turns to me. “So what was that in the kitchen this morning?”

  I hadn’t realized she had noticed so I’m taken off guard by the question.

  “Nothing.” I can tell she doesn’t believe me so she waits, eyebrows raised.

  I sigh, defeated. “Honestly, I have no idea. We decided to call a truce and be friends a few weeks ago so I’m not sure why he was acting so strangely.”

  Jem just stares at me as if trying to decide if I am telling the truth or not.

  “Not that it’s any of my business, I love you both so I will say it anyways, but I’m not sure you could ever just be friends. I’m glad you’re getting along—don’t get me wrong—but you both need to move on from each other. It’s not a healthy relationship between you two. I want you both to be happy, so don’t be mad.”

  “I’m not mad. I promise. I want that too. I don’t feel the same about him as I used to. I don’t hurt either actually.” I turn forward again toward the road to ponder the fact that I really don’t feel hurt. I haven’t for a while.

  “You really like Reed, don’t you?” She slowly smiles at me, and I can’t even help but respond with a smile of my own.

  Melody meets us in the quad, looking a little pale and drawn. I wonder what her break was like. I hope it wasn’t as chaotic as my own. We all turn to walk toward our lockers, chatting and catching up on Christmas break. Melody talks vaguely about her family’s holiday, and although she sounds relatively happy about it, Jem and I can tell she is holding a lot back.

  When we get to our lockers, Melody turns and exhales. “Jay and I broke up. And it’s for good this time.”

  We both look wide-eyed for just a second before we congratulate and hug her. She smiles and shakes her head.

  “I don’t know why it took me so long, but really it’s over.” She looks sincerely relieved, although it probably took a lot out of her. The turmoil is evident in her withdrawn gaze.

  We instantly have our arms wrapped around each other in a lady triangle, all wearing goofy grins. We all silently take in the moment before Jem says, “Yay! We are all single and ready to mingle just in time for college.”

  I realize this is the first time that all three of us have been single since high school started, and I am looking forward to going to college with these girls now that we have all ditched our dipstick boyfriends. A fresh start for all of us!

  We continue to stand that way as Melody gives up the update on why she broke up with Jay. We are so engrossed in the details from Melody, we are startled when someone comes up behind us.

  “Am I interrupting something? Should I come back later?”

  I look over my shoulder to see Reed smiling with a tilted head as if to determine why we are wrapped together.

  Jem chimes in, “We are all single ladies. Watch out world!”

  Reed shakes his head while obviously containing his laughter. We all look at each other and burst out laughing.

  “Well, I guess I’m warned.” He looks at me and winks.

  Oh dear, I’m a goner.

  “So where are you girls all headed?”

  “Jem and I have physics. Dannie, where are you going?” Melody, suppressing a smile, asks as if she knows the answer. What does she know?

  “I have Shakespeare.” I took it on a whim as an elective, but I thought I already mentioned that to the girls last semester when we were picking out our schedules.

  “Me too!” Reed says with barely contained enthusiasm.

  Shakespeare and Reed? Really?

  “Wow, what do you know? What a coincidence!” Melody looks smug, and I shake my head slightly as if to tell her that we will talk about this later. Traitor. I can’t say I’m mad though.

  “Come on, princess. Don’t want to be late for our first day.” He picks up my book bag, slings it over his shoulder, and starts quickly walking toward our English class.

  Stunned, it takes me a moment to start moving, and I hear the girls laughing quietly behind me. They will have to answer to me later, but I have to admit I am thrilled at the idea of spending classroom time, or any time for that matter, with Reed.

  Before we reach our class, I gather the courage to ask about the bracelet.

  “Reed, I feel really bad about the gift you left me. You know you didn’t have to get me anything for Christmas, right?” I’ve been wearing the charm bracelet since I got it, so I really hope he doesn’t want it back. But I don’t want him to feel like he has to get me gifts or that I’ve taken advantage of him.

  “What do you mean? What gift?”

  I look up at him, thinking momentarily that he’s joking. But he looks serious so I stand there confused.

  “The charm bracelet … didn’t you …” I trail off, not knowing how to get out of this awkwardness.

  He looks devastated, like it hadn’t even dawned on him to give me a gift. I feel awful. “I’m so sorry, Dannie. I didn’t get you anything … Did you want me to?” He rubs his hand on his short hair nervously. “I didn’t think about that. I’m so sorry. I feel like the biggest tool now.”

  “Don’t … I shouldn’t have jumped to any conclusions. I woke up with a gift on my porch, and I just assumed you left it—”

  “Who do you think it was from?” He suddenly seems a little mad.

  Who was it from? I don’t have a clue. Was it from my
mother? Did she suddenly feel bad? It’s definitely possible.

  “I’m not sure. It could be from Sue, but she would have left something for Avery too … Jett? But I doubt it.” He was acting weird this morning though.

  Reed looks distraught as he examines the bracelet, but I don’t really know what to think about it myself. I’m sure I’ll find out eventually.

  After the shock of her realization that we have a class together, or rather that I changed my schedule so that we would have a class together, I quite enjoyed our staring contest during class. I wasn’t sure how she would react. Perhaps it was too forward, but I took a chance and it certainly paid off. When I became aware that she was staring at me, I couldn’t concentrate at all, not on Shakespeare, not on anything but her. I caught her checking me out, and I wanted to push her a little, so I stared back. I wasn’t going to be the first to break eye contact, I thoroughly enjoyed being able to freely look at her.

  There is something to be said for looking without the ability to touch, something powerful and intoxicating. She became embarrassed so I pushed her further by leaning into her personal space while the teacher was distracted just so she would become as frazzled and confused as she constantly makes me. I realize it's been a long time since she has flinched at me. She used to flinch whenever I would reach for her hand, but she has long since stopped. Taking that as encouragement, I feel it’s time to push her a little but not so much as to make her uncomfortable. She is so self-contained, pushing people away too much for me to wait for her to make a move. It needs to be me who pursues her completely.

  I won’t stop until we get exactly what we both want—each other.

  I’ll be damned if the tall blond in the back, the guy I spotted staring at Dannie on the first day of school, isn’t in our Shakespeare class too. He keeps giving me dirty looks between staring at Dannie and chatting with some redheaded girl. As long as red keeps him company, I’m cool, but by the way he completely ignores her while staring at Dannie, I realize he might become a problem. What a dick. I’ll make sure he knows exactly who Dannie belongs with as the bell signals the end of class.