The Face You See

by Amelia Legend

  She bends to take a letter out of her bag and hands it to me. I just look at her at first, shocked that this is what she has been going through, and I have been completely oblivious to it. How could I have not known? How can I have been so blind? Has she seemed more worn down, more broken, and I have excused it as something trivial? Disgusted by my own blindness, I feel like I have failed her somehow.

  I make my eyes read the letter in my hands. It’s a typed letter that sounds like a teenage hazing honestly. Who thinks this about another person? Her own children nonetheless. It goes on, and on, about how Dannie has been ungrateful, using curse words and other nonsense. How did this woman raise a daughter like Dannie? How did she make it out alive? I look up gravely, at a loss for words. More adrenaline pours into my veins, causing me to shake slightly out of fury. I do the only thing I can think of doing. I grab her and hold her. If I’m holding her, I won’t drive my car over to her house demanding justice.

  “I don’t know what else to say but that I am so sorry you had to read something like this.” Angry all over again, I pull away. “How the hell does someone write something like this to their own daughter?”

  “I don’t know, Reed. I can’t say I am surprised at my mother. She’s always been a cruel woman, but it doesn’t make it hurt any less.”

  “Yeah, I can only imagine.”

  I swallow my fury. “Has she ever hurt you physically? Has Mark?” Silence. I know what she doesn’t say, and it feels like I’ve been kicked in the heart.

  “You don’t want to know, Reed. And I’m not ready to talk about it.”

  There it is. I have my answer, but before I can react, she crawls toward me across the bench seat and lies on my chest and in my arms. I can’t say anything because I am enraged, heartbroken, and afraid, but more important, I am needed. She needs me to be strong for her, so I am, whether I feel it or not, and I let her cry, silently promising to help her put all the pieces back again. I can do that for her, and I want to. I just don’t know how.

  This explains so much. It explains her flinching and why she dated a guy who treated her like crap. It explains her self-contained, independent nature. It explains why she keeps people at a distance, and it definitely explains why she never talks about her family. I’m speechless.

  She falls asleep in my arms, and all I can do is watch her. After a while, and many ignored phone calls later, I decide it’s time to wake her up. We can’t avoid the inevitable forever. Her phone has been blowing up, but I didn’t have the heart to wake her. It’s now or never.

  “Dannie, wake up,” I say, gently shaking her. “Wake up, honey. Your phone has been going off for a while. You might want to call your dad.”

  Her eyes slowly open at the mention of her dad. She sits up, straightening herself as her phone continues to chime. She just stares at it.

  I start the truck and head in the direction of her father’s house, knowing she has to face her family but wishing we didn’t have to leave so soon. I stop at the end of the field and look over at her. Her face is defeated. I can’t stand the look on her face, so I reach over and kiss her. I scoop her up and pull her across my lap. What I meant to be a comforting kiss quickly becomes something more, something I didn’t expect as we grab desperately on to each other, as if trying to feel something more than the pain of this morning. As I am pouring out comfort and love into each kiss, it feels like heaven because today has been a certain hell. I reluctantly pull away, breathless, my hands roaming all over her, but I can’t take more. I can’t. It’s not the right time, but damn it’s hard to resist her.

  I release her, and she groans a little, making it harder to pull away, but I need to stop before this gets out of hand. It would feel like I was taking advantage of her if it went further. So I attempt to reason. “We should be going. I don’t want your dad to be pissed, especially because I intend to see you very soon,” I whisper on her lips, before I look in her eyes and find everything I feel staring back at me.

  I reluctantly reach for my phone. “Hello?”

  “Where are you? Your mother called and said you ran off with some guy this morning. Are you with Reed?” My dad sounds more worried than mad, and I’m almost certain that my mother would never admit to the letter.

  “Dad, I’m so sorry I worried you, but is it okay if I come over now instead of on Monday. Sue wrote a letter to me, and I woke up with it on the end of the bed. Pretty much it tells me to leave and never come back. I kinda lost it. I’m sorry …” My voice wavers, trailing off, but I refuse to cry again. Sue—her name is no longer Mom to me. I’m done.

  Reed is obviously heading slowly toward my dad’s house, and I am so grateful he is here even if I am more than a little embarrassed.

  My dad is silent on the phone for a moment. “Do you have the letter with you?”

  “Yes, there is one for Avery, but I haven’t opened it.” I am confused as to why he is asking, but I stay silent.

  “I’m so sorry, Dannie. Come home now please. We will talk about this when you get here. I promise you don’t have to go back. I’m just sorry it has come to this. This is not good. I'm so sorry Dannie.” He sounds like he is talking to himself more than to me, but I am thankful to hear I can stay with him. A part of me was prepared for him to say no, and I can’t explain why. I guess it’s because I have lost all faith in my family, even the ones who don’t deserve it, and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't still angry at my dad for not seeing what was happening to us. Although, I only have the emotional energy for one family issue at a time at the moment. I end the phone call and look at my inbox. My mother has sent me text after text, pleading for me to come home. Some are livid, and others express regret. She asks me to bring back the letter and says that she didn’t mean it. Either way, it’s too late.

  Before I’m even out of the truck, my dad opens the front door. We silently walk toward each other, and he gives me a big hug that makes me feel like a little girl again. I’m hollow, and I begin to quietly cry again as I turn to wave at Reed, assuring him that I am fine now that I am home. When we get inside, I hand him and Mary the letter as we all sit down at the table. I also hand Avery her letter as she begins to cry while opening it.

  “She just called us about an hour ago, telling us that she was trying to look for you herself. When did you get this, Dannie?” my dad asks.

  “When I woke up, at about eight thirty, I think. I didn’t really look at the clock before I texted Reed. I didn’t want to take my car.”

  My dad just nods his head, knowing that Sue had bought the car and that I wouldn’t have wanted to take it.

  “She mentioned that she wrote a letter, but that she never meant for you to read it.”

  What?

  “I woke up with it at the end of my bed this morning. My name is on the envelope; she meant for me to read it …” I am starting to get angry at the obvious bull she was spinning for my father.

  “Sorry, you are probably confused as to why I am asking all these questions. The thing is, girls, I have been talking to my lawyer about getting full custody of you Dannie, and he said that without her consent, I won’t be granted full rights. This letter gives me full rights. That’s why she wants it back. Do you understand?” He and Mary patiently wait for us to catch up.

  I’m too confused and too tired to string two thoughts together.

  “What does this mean?” Avery asks, looking confused and teary-eyed.

  He takes a deep breath and looks at me with sorrowful eyes. “This means that Dannie legally won’t have to go back and probably that she won’t be allowed to see Dannie at all without a mediator present. This letter shows that she is clearly an unfit parent. That family court will never rule in her favor now. In fact, we might have to get a court order against her if things get too out of hand.” He looks pointedly at Mary, because we all know that things will get out of hand shortly.

  I take a deep breath, knowing exactly what this means. It means I finally have my freedom. More important, I have no gu
ilt for it. She crossed a line I can no longer ignore. I have to be stronger than this even if I am just pretending. We continue to talk more about the changes that my dad will have to make legally. He also asks if we would want to see a therapist, for whatever good it may do. It didn’t do any good for my mother, so I don’t see the point of it.

  My dad asks a little more about what my weekend was like before that, and I explain that my mother and stepfather haven’t been talking to me. I also tell him about my stepfather telling me that I was dead to him and my mother. My father is horrified when I tell him that, but I figure he needs to know if this thing is going to be brought to court and made official. I finally get up the nerve to check my voice mail, and I put it on speakerphone for my dad, Mary, and Avery to hear. We all listen to message after message, alternating between her fake tears, her furious ranting, and her pleading. They all fall on deaf ears. As for me, I am through with the woman. My heart is broken, and I have never been one to give second chances to people who have shattered my trust and faith.

  I hide under the bed behind the colorful bed skirt that falls to the floor. I hear the shouting of my mommy and new daddy. Why are they so loud, I remember thinking to myself. Why does mommy always cry? Why do I hear my big brother cry in the next room too? I love my brother, don't cry Ryan I am here, I love you. I am afraid to come out, so I stay in a tight ball under my bed. I am safe here, no one can see me in the dark. Someday I will be brave. Someday I won't be scared. I cover my ears and try to sleep, but the noise of my brother's agonizing scream keep me awake.

  School on Monday seems to be oddly normal besides my sleep hangover. After too many nights of crap for sleep and nightmares I am starting to look deranged. I look around at my classmates realizing how foreign they are to me. I feel fundamentally different from a regular teenager with regular post pubescent problems. They get to worry about the next party, their current boyfriend, or sex, while I am dealing with things that I don’t feel mature enough to handle. I am not mature enough to get a grip on how I’m feeling. I feel bereft, abandoned, and weary, but I refuse to wallow. I don’t want to give them the satisfaction. But I’m also not allowing myself to grieve, and I know that’s gonna bite me in the butt eventually. Regardless, if I don’t start getting some real sleep, I am going to start acting like a zombie. No joke, I am practically ashen.

  Not. Good.

  I’m reading an old, well-used copy of Jane Eyre when a pair of warm arms wrap around my waist, pulling me from my dark thoughts. I inhale deeply, enjoying my new favorite smell. It recently passed the smell of coffee on the list. I know, crazy good.

  But I also really want coffee.

  “How are you doing this morning?” Reed whispers in my ear, and that’s all it takes for me to be fully awake. I feel his whole body against my back, spreading warmth all over me. I have to start thinking of a response, but all I can think of is kissing him again and things no good girl thinks about. Bad girl! I work on getting control of my thoughts as this past weekend slams into my brain, bursting my little bubble of Reed.

  “I’m doing as well as can be expected. I haven’t responded to Sue yet. I don’t think I will … My dad can handle her.”

  Reed doesn’t respond right away because honestly what do you say in a situation like this? “Whatever you feel is best. I don’t know what I would do. Taking a step back for both of you might be good. I don’t really want you around your mom right now anyways.” Always being a white knight, this one.

  Jem and Melody turn the corner and notice Reed’s arms wrapped around me. Jem raises her eyebrows, and Melody simply smiles knowingly. I called both of them this weekend to give them the update on my mo—Sue. Both were equally sad for me, but not at all surprised. I think they are just glad no one ended up in the hospital. I did however omit the kiss with Reed, but I am sure the girls will squeeze it out of me the moment we are alone. Reed senses a girly moment coming and kisses my head, letting go of me.

  “Ladies,” is all he says as he walks away toward his next class. I take the time to watch him walk away, admiring him. Sigh. What is that boy doing to me? I just shake my head. He must have felt me watching him because he turns back toward me and gives me a wink before disappearing into his classroom. Damn him.

  “So what’s the deal with you two lovebirds. Swooning yet?” Jem smirks, bumping my hip, while Melody tries to hide her laugh. I give her a snarky look because who says that?

  “We may or may not have kissed … But we haven’t had the DTR chat yet, so I am about as clueless as you are.” Disappointment is written all over my face and slouched shoulders. I feel the full weight of the questions and doubts that rattle my thoughts.

  “Well, I think it is pretty obvious that he has been in love with you for as long as he has known you. I’m pretty sure everyone knows it but you.” Jem pokes me in the stomach while settling against our lockers.

  Melody nods her head. “And if we know you as well as we know we do, you are completely in love with him. And freaking out about it.” She looks pointedly at me with a look that tells me to spill it.

  Love? Love! Do I love Reed? I contemplate it only momentarily before my heart betrays my reason. How did I not see this sooner? Oh, that’s right. Denial! I’m also afraid because I’m not sure I can afford to love anyone the way I love Reed. I’m not sure I can love him the way he needs me to. I’m not sure I have the courage.

  How did they know? I ask myself, looking at Jem and Melody with wide eyes. Is it so obvious to everyone else? Oh, these girls know me too well.

  “And there it is” Jem smiles knowingly.

  I take a moment to gather my scattered thoughts and come to the conclusion that honesty really is the best policy. “You’re right. I am freaking out. Guys like Reed don’t fall for girls like me. He is too good for me, and the moment he realizes it is the moment he will run.”

  They physically pause, gaping.

  “Shut the front door, lady. Reed is not too good for you. OMG really? What on earth makes you think that?” Jem snaps out of it, pissed.

  What does she expect me to say? That we are made for one another? We aren’t. I don’t believe that. I can’t. Reed deserves someone perfect and uncorrupted by life. If I wasn’t so selfish and weak, I would walk away. But I am not so sure I can.

  Maybe I am as selfish as Sue.

  “You know what my life has been like, and I don’t want him tainted by it,” is all I say before the bell rings and we stand there staring at one another, not knowing what else there is to say. There is really nothing to be said because we disagree and no amount of arguing will persuade any of us to feel differently. Being stubborn is the only trait we all share. Nevertheless, they don’t know what it’s like to have seen the things I have seen, done the things I have done, been hurt the ways I have been hurt. They don’t know what it is like. Even these girls whom I love more than anyone else don’t know what it feels like to be dirty, fouled. I don’t want them to know what that’s like.

  The rest of the day goes by in contemplative silence. We all have a lot to think about, but we will figure it out. We always do.

  By the end of the day, I feel like maybe the girls have a point. Maybe these feelings of unworthiness are all in my head. Years of being beaten down would cause even the most confident of people to have doubts about themselves. Perhaps I have been believing a lie about myself that my mother fed me my whole life—that I am unlovable. I walk to my car, contemplating the possibility that maybe I have a chance to be worthy of Reed, a chance to be more than what I have settled for … a chance.

  I find another letter on my car windshield, but after my mother’s letter, I’m really beginning to hate letters in general. As sweet as the poems and riddles are, I’m not sure if I want to read anything that even looks like a letter anytime soon. Why would Reed write me a letter after what Sue wrote? I’ll have to remember to ask him, but I’m not sure how to do that without hurting his feelings. Perhaps I will just hold on to them until I have the
courage to read them.

  I spend my Monday afternoon driving around the foreign Californian suburban town, taking stock of the weekend with Dannie. Everything she shared with me in my truck Saturday morning is still fresh in mind, causing a turbulence I’m not used to. I’m a simple guy. I’ve had a very simple life. I was blessed with two parents who love each other, two siblings whom I not only get along with but enjoy. It’s rare, I know, and yet it took me by total surprise when Dannie told me a small part of the difficulties she has been through.

  I wipe my hand down my face, trying to scrub away the look on her face as I asked her if her stepfather had ever hurt her. I try to erase the memory of her crying, of the letter I read, of her utter acceptance of her circumstances.

  I can’t even fathom the pain she must have suffered. The loss. I can’t imagine how alone she must have been. I don’t even want to, I think as I finally pull into my driveway.

  I walk into my house in deep thought. My face must reflect the bleakness I feel because my mom and sister notice right away, stopping me before I can hide in my room.

  “Why the long face, Reed?” Mom asks, continuing to bake bread with my sister.

  “What happened to you? Did your girlfriend finally smarten up ’n’ dump you?” my sister Rochelle adds with a sarcastic tilt of her head.

  “No way.” I give her a smile in return. The smile fades as I take a deep breath and sit down at the kitchen table. Might as well get it all out there now. My family pretty much shares everything so there is really no point in delaying the conversation. “You know how I rushed out of here Saturday after getting a text from Dannie?”