No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  Chapter Fourteen

  What do you want for Christmas? I’ve got something for Ben and Millie but you are so difficult. Why don’t you buy yourself something and I’ll give you the money for it. Can you wrap it too? Mum xx PS: Carlos likes cigars

  Katy wondered when she would ever find the time to buy any Christmas presents as she drove home that night past the cheerful Christmas lights guiding her back to the house with the inflatable reindeer on the lawn and the Santa still hanging saggily off the roof. It was raining, obviously, but somehow that added extra sparkle to the glorious display of every colour of the rainbow lining the streets. Leeds had gone for a baubles and glitter balls theme this year, much to Daniel’s disgust. The array of colours was stunning but disturbed his preference for a monotone aesthetic. Every year he wrote to the council to offer to design the city’s light display, and every year they wrote back to thank him for the kind offer but they thought his ‘white-light-only’ rule might be too restrictive for a display on such a large scale.

  She’d found Daniel’s outburst earlier very unsettling. Previously her head had been merely jammed by the thought of how she would discuss the job offer with Ben and how he might feel about it. Her concerns had not stretched to the feelings of her closest but most abusive friend. He’d surprised her with his admission of… well, of love, actually. She knew they were close. She knew he was the first person besides Ben who she wanted to share the stuff going on in her head with. But they’d never defined their friendship. Never labelled it. Never discussed it in the context of needing each other or indeed loving each other. She’d never been that kind of girl. Even growing up, when many of her contemporaries craved the security of a ‘best friend’, Katy never did. She was happier with a wide circle. She suspected she avoided getting too close to one person for fear of relying on them too much and indeed them relying on her. Being someone’s best friend felt like a massive responsibility. She might let them down. She might not live up to their expectations. So she avoided it, preferring to run in a crowd rather than as a tightly-knit twosome. The trials and tribulations of friendship shared amongst them rather than resting solely on her shoulders.

  And now, at forty, she had discovered that a best friend had snuck up on her. Without realising it had happened, Daniel had come to rely on her. He was demanding that his feelings be considered regarding the decision to up sticks and move to the other side of the world. Life had just become more complicated. Exactly the reason why you didn’t have best friends in the first place, Katy thought. Inevitably you’ll let them down, and she hated that feeling with a passion.

  It wasn’t long before Katy had left the bright lights of the city and was driving towards the more open roads of the suburbs. The stately Victorian semis with icicle lights dripping from their eaves replaced the looming office buildings and stores. She took a deep breath as she pulled up outside their house and was relieved to see the reindeer still grazing the lawn and Santa still struggling to get down the chimney. She paused before she got out of the car. She was glad to be home – it had been a hell of a day. She would sit down with Ben tonight, she thought. She couldn’t bear to feel like this any longer. She’d throw it out there and see what he said. She’d sat on it too long already.

  Opening the front door, she was greeted by the unlikely combination of the tinkling of Disney Christmas songs and gales of manly laughter. She opened the door to the lounge where she thought the action was taking place and was greeted by a roaring fire and two men lying flat on the floor with their hands around the base of a Christmas tree. An array of tinsel and baubles dangled precariously from its branches while Millie jumped up and down on the sofa, dressed as Snow White.

  ‘Mummy, Mummy,’ she sang out. ‘We got a Christmas tree and told never to go back ever again.’

  Katy walked over to gather Millie up in her arms and smother her with kisses. The familiar smell of ketchup wafted up her nostrils. She sat down and held her on her knee while she tried not to be upset that she’d missed out on the family tree-buying excursion. She was, after all, the one who’d had to work on Sunday when they were supposed to be getting it.

  ‘Just give us a sec,’ shouted Ben from somewhere under the branches. ‘Just trying to stop the damn thing leaning.’

  ‘We’re barred,’ cried Millie excitedly to Katy. ‘Uncle Braindead did a bad thing.’

  ‘It wasn’t bad,’ came a shout from under the tree. ‘They just have no sense of humour.’

  ‘It was really funny,’ added Millie.

  ‘What did he do?’ asked Katy, giving Millie her full attention.

  ‘I’ll tell her, Millie,’ said Ben, finally extracting himself, his jumper covered in pine needles. ‘You need to learn the art of telling Mummy things in such a way that it doesn’t make you look bad,’ he told her seriously.

  ‘What have you done?’ asked Katy, now beginning to worry.

  ‘It was legendary,’ announced Braindead, also emerging from under the tree. ‘Epic. Inspired. I do not and will not ever regret it. Please don’t make me, Katy. Please.’

  ‘Would you like a drink?’ Ben asked, offering Katy his sweetest smile and winking at Millie.

  ‘No,’ said Katy. ‘Just tell me.’

  ‘So we went to buy a tree at the garden centre, you know the fancy one.’

  ‘The one with the amazing garden furniture that’s really expensive?’ asked Katy.

  ‘That’s the one. So Braindead said he’d come and give me a hand to tie it to the top of the car.’

  ‘It’s the kind of guy I am.’ Braindead shrugged. ‘No need to thank me.’

  Katy smiled. ‘I’m sure there isn’t.’

  ‘So we find all the trees outside at the back and Millie picks a great one, didn’t you, Millie?’

  ‘It’s called Eric,’ she replied.

  ‘Eric the tree?’ questioned Katy.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘OK. So you selected Eric and then what happened?’

  ‘So it needed putting through one of those wrapper things. You know you feed the tree through and it comes out the other side sort of shrunk and wrapped in netting?’ explained Ben.

  ‘Yeees,’ said Katy slowly, already sensing what was coming next.

  Braindead started sniggering. Katy raised her eyebrows.

  ‘It was bloody funny,’ he said, trying to stop himself laughing.

  ‘So there was no-one around to do it for us. We couldn’t see any staff anywhere so Braindead had this idea…’ Ben had to stop because he was laughing so much, which started Braindead off again. Soon they couldn’t speak. They tried to get the words out to explain Braindead’s idea but they were laughing so hard they couldn’t spit it out.

  ‘Daddy pushed Uncle Braindead through the tree-wrapping machine,’ Millie finally said for them.

  ‘You did what!’ exclaimed Katy.

  ‘He shrink-wrapped me like a Christmas tree,’ exploded Braindead.

  ‘You made me,’ protested Ben.

  ‘No, I didn’t. The minute I suggested it, you were in. You had my feet in it before I could shout, “Save me, Rudolph.”’

  Katy felt shocked but not surprised. It was just the sort of thing the two of them would get up to, however it probably wasn’t the type of thing you should be doing in front of an impressionable three-year-old.

  ‘It was so funny,’ said Millie again. ‘He fell over!’

  ‘I tried to walk, but I couldn’t of course so I fell flat on my face,’ explained Braindead.

  ‘And then,’ said Ben, now crying with laughter and struggling slightly for breath. ‘You’ll never guess what he did next.’

  ‘There’s more?’ asked Katy.

  ‘Of course,’ declared Braindead, a look of surprise on his face as though he couldn’t believe Katy thought they would have left it there. ‘There were a load of trees already wrapped, leaning against a wall, so I managed to shuffle my way over to them and leaned myself alongside them as though I was an actual tree waiting to be b
ought. An actual tree, Katy.’

  ‘I was killing myself, honestly,’ said Ben. ‘His clothes were dark so he kind of blended in and then…’ He looked at Braindead for permission to proceed. Braindead nodded, putting his fist in his mouth to try to suppress the guffaws. ‘And then this elderly couple came over to look for a tree and they were wandering up and down trying to pick one, and me and Millie were just watching – we didn’t know what to do – and then when they got to the bit where Braindead was, he shouted this massive…’

  ‘Boo!’ shouted Millie and Braindead in unison. Katy nearly jumped out of her skin.

  ‘They both screamed,’ continued Ben. ‘I thought he might have a heart attack for a minute.’

  ‘I felt a bit bad actually,’ admitted Braindead.

  ‘The next thing we know a shop assistant comes running up to see what all the commotion is about and sees Braindead wrapped up like a Christmas tree in their display and two old biddies having palpitations.’

  ‘The man said a very bad word,’ said Millie, looking serious.

  ‘He said, “What the hell are you doing?”’ said Ben. ‘I mean, couldn’t he see there were children present?’

  ‘And then he shouted at me to get out of the netting immediately,’ said Braindead. ‘I mean, how stupid was that? How was I supposed to get out? He went to get some scissors eventually and then he got his own back. He nearly cut my testicles off.’

  ‘What are testicles?’ asked Millie.

  ‘Another name for ears,’ said Ben immediately. Katy envied the speed at which he answered Millie’s questions, but then again, he did have more practice than her.

  ‘We were told never to go back,’ said Braindead triumphantly.

  ‘We’re barred,’ added Millie.

  ‘From a garden centre,’ said Ben, leaning forward and doing a high five with Millie and then Braindead.

  ‘Almost as good as when we kidnapped Gloria,’ added Braindead.

  ‘Who’s Gloria?’ asked Millie.

  Katy sighed. ‘A stuffed puffin.’

  ‘And your mother was behind that particular escapade,’ added Ben.

  ‘What’s a puffin?’ asked Millie.

  ‘It’s a bird, but it was a dead bird,’ Katy told Millie. ‘And I like to think we rescued it rather than kidnapped it.’

  ‘From where?’

  ‘A pub,’ said Braindead. ‘Actually you were there. I told your mum that I liked Gloria, and she stuffed her under her coat when you were inside her tummy and ran out the pub with you both.’

  Millie’s eyes were wide now. She couldn’t keep up.

  ‘You do silly things when you’re younger,’ Katy told her. ‘Well, when you’re older too,’ she added, glancing at Ben and Braindead.

  ‘It’s called having fun with your mates,’ said Braindead. ‘And do you know what, Millie? The mates that you do the fun stuff with will always be your best mates.’

  ‘Stealing dead birds?’ she asked.

  ‘Yes,’ said Braindead. ‘And pretending to be a tree that frightens old ladies.’

  ‘And I think that’s enough “meaning of life” talk for one night, don’t you, guys?’ said Katy, clasping Millie and hauling them both up off the sofa. ‘How about I get you into bed, young lady? Say night, night.’

  ‘Night, night,’ muttered Millie, nestling her head into Katy’s neck.

  ‘Night, night, gorgeous,’ said Ben, reaching over to kiss the top of Millie’s and then Katy’s head.

  ‘Stay cool, Angel,’ said Braindead, holding his fist up, which she gave a satisfying slap. ‘Beware the human Christmas trees.’

  It was nearly an hour later when Katy came downstairs having bathed Millie, detangled her hair and lain in bed next to her to read her a story. Katy knew she should be more disciplined about quicker bedtimes and should resist Millie’s cries for ‘one more story’, but the truth was that she relished her time with her daughter, particularly given the long hours she worked. She couldn’t bear to walk away from Millie when Millie wanted her to stay.

  She eventually eased herself out of the bed, sensing that Millie was about to drop off. She changed out of her work clothes into tracksuit bottoms and a top then walked downstairs, already mentally sorting through the fridge to see what they could have for dinner. Before she got to the kitchen, however, she paused in the lounge to take in the tree groaning with attachments, the majority of which hung precariously at Millie height. It was the most lopsided, uneven arrangement of decorations she had ever seen. Daniel would have a fit. She went over to start rearranging then stopped herself: this was Millie’s first tree-decorating experience. One that had started in the garden centre and proved so memorable that perhaps even a three-year-old would remember it for the rest of her life. The tree was perfect.

  She wondered where their tree might be next year. Did they do Christmas trees in Australia? She had to talk to Ben. She’d wait until Braindead had left and then sit him down. Her heart beat quicker just thinking about it, but she knew she couldn’t put it off any longer.

  Walking through into the kitchen she found Ben and Braindead furiously unpacking white plastic bags and lining up silver cartons on the kitchen table.

  ‘Thought we’d get a Chinese?’ said Ben, looking up. ‘Is that OK?’

  ‘Duck pancakes?’ asked Katy, suddenly starving.

  ‘Of course,’ replied Ben. ‘And Beef in King Do sauce. I know what my lady likes.’

  ‘Awesome,’ she replied, sitting down, delighted that she didn’t have to be creative with carrots, onions, some frozen chicken and a tin of soup.

  ‘I never think of ducks as being very Chinese,’ said Braindead, sitting down and grabbing a plate. ‘I mean, you don’t picture temples and dragons and ninjas along with ducks, do you?’

  Ben and Katy didn’t respond. They were hungry and unsure where Braindead was going with this line of enquiry.

  ‘But did you know that there’s a species of duck called the mandarin?’

  ‘Mmm,’ mumbled Ben.

  ‘Yes,’ said Braindead. ‘They even named a duck after their language.’

  ‘Or named the language after the duck,’ offered Katy.

  Braindead nodded. ‘Good point. What came first, the language or the duck?’ He shrugged and speared a chunk of crispy meat and laid it in its pancake nest.

  There was silence as everyone took their first bite and chewed in satisfaction.

  ‘I’m going to go with the duck,’ said Braindead. ‘I think the duck came first. Katy?’

  Katy nodded her agreement. She knew better than to argue – it could go on all night.

  ‘So are you going to ask her?’ Ben said to Braindead as he grabbed another pancake.

  ‘Ask her what?’

  ‘You know, what we were talking about before?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ said Braindead, suddenly going bright pink. He coughed. ‘I was just building myself up to it.’ He wiped the corner of his mouth and took another bite without even looking at Katy.

  ‘What?’ said Katy. ‘Ask me what?’ Braindead was staring down at his plate. ‘What does he want to ask me?’ she said, directing her question at Ben.

  ‘Come on,’ said Ben to Braindead. ‘It’s only Katy. You can talk to her about it, can’t you?’

  ‘It’s still a bit embarrassing.’

  ‘You just wrapped yourself up like a Christmas tree, Braindead,’ stated Katy. ‘I can’t see what you could ever find embarrassing.’

  Katy didn’t think she had ever known Braindead to be shy about anything, let alone blush like he was doing now. Whatever it was, it had to be something pretty major. She wiped her fingers with a napkin and put her hand on his shoulder. ‘Whatever it is I won’t laugh,’ she said. ‘You can tell me.’

  Braindead looked truly terrified. His face was now drained white. He started to try to speak then looked away in shame.

  ‘I can’t say it,’ he muttered.

  ‘He’s in love,’ Ben announced for him.

&nbs
p; Katy nearly dropped her duck pancake. ‘Like proper love?’ she asked.

  Braindead nodded, his chin sunk down somewhere over his breastbone. Ben had told her that the two of them had discussed the fact that Braindead had to take his relationship forward, but somehow the perfectly natural emotion of love didn’t seem to sit well with him. Braindead didn’t take life seriously enough to use such a word.

  ‘Well, that’s just brilliant,’ said Katy, getting up and flinging her arms round him. ‘Well done you. I’m very proud.’

  Braindead hugged her back and then looked up at Ben. ‘He made me see the light,’ he admitted.

  ‘Wow!’ said Katy, sitting down and tucking into her duck again. ‘So you do have mature conversations as well as getting banned from garden centres for wrapping yourself up like a Christmas tree.’

  ‘I just told him,’ said Ben, waving a chopstick at his friend, ‘that it’s not that bad, being in love.’ He smiled at Katy.

  ‘I’m going to ask her to marry me,’ added Braindead.

  ‘Right.’ Katy nodded. ‘And is that what you really want?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Braindead, nodding vigorously. ‘Well, I think so. I don’t want to be without her. The thought of that makes me sad. Like really sad, like someone’s died level of sad. So I figure I must love her, right? Ben seems to think that I need to show her – I need to commit or else I might lose her.’

  ‘And you don’t want to lose her?’

  ‘No,’ said Braindead instantly. No hesitation. A look of earnestness on his face.

  ‘Then I think Ben might be right. You need to show her if you want to keep her. Abby doesn’t strike me as the drifting kind.’

  Braindead nodded solemnly, deep in thought. Then he suddenly broke out into a grin.

  ‘She’ll look bloody amazing old, you know,’ he said. ‘I keep imagining her face all old and wrinkly next to me on the pillow with those funny brown spots you get and grey hair and all that. Makes me happy.’

  ‘You old romantic bugger you,’ said Ben, reaching out to clutch Katy’s hand. She smiled back at him and squeezed his hand, knowing that she wanted to be there to see Ben’s wrinkles and grey hair.