No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  Cooper held his hand up to motion her to stop. ‘What Andrew is saying is that I’d like you to come and visit us in Sydney. Look at the set-up. Meet the people. Work out how we make this work.’

  ‘Visit you?’ she questioned.

  ‘Yes, visit. Before Christmas. Let’s keep the ball rolling so that we can sort this out as soon as possible.’

  ‘Isn’t that brilliant, Katy?’ said Andrew, who was showing no signs of being remotely cool about the fact that one of his staff had just blagged a trip to Sydney. You would almost believe he was going himself. ‘And an enormous show of confidence in what we do here, to want you to go over,’ he continued. ‘Cooper is clearly a very good judge of character,’ he gushed. ‘He knows if there is anyone who can work out how to manage a communications campaign from the other side of the world, it’s you.’

  Katy looked at Andrew. How would he feel if he knew the truth? If he knew that Cooper wanted to get her out there so she would fall in love with Sydney and take the job. That was what he was up to, she was sure.

  ‘I’m not sure I’ll be able to organise childcare,’ protested Katy weakly.

  Andrew shot her a confused glance. ‘Ben will be able to cope, won’t he?’ he asked.

  How presumptuous, she thought. Of course he would cope, but he might have other plans. He might have a life other than being there to keep the family up and running while she was at work. Just because he was the main carer didn’t mean he didn’t have other stuff going on. Now she knew how it felt to be the mum at home. Assumed to be available, whatever demands the workforce placed on your other half.

  ‘I can organise assistance for your family if that’s what you need,’ announced Cooper.

  What was that supposed to mean? Did he have an army of nannies and chefs and drivers to hand who could swoop in and take care of all household needs?

  ‘What I mean is,’ said Katy, ‘I should check with Ben’s schedule before I commit to being able to go, that’s all.’ She shot Cooper a glare – she didn’t like being manipulated in this way.

  ‘Well, why don’t you go and call him now?’ said Andrew, getting up and walking round to the front of the desk.

  ‘Now?’

  ‘Yes, now. I think Cooper would like to know we’re pressing forward before he leaves.’

  ‘No, it’s fine,’ said Cooper, also getting up out of his chair. ‘Just call me later today when you’ve had a chance to check in with your husband.’ He reached into his breast pocket and took out a card and handed it to her. ‘I’ll be getting on a flight at around three so be sure to call me before then and we can put all the arrangements in place.’

  She took the card from him and their eyes locked as she looked up at him.

  ‘Well, that sounds like a plan,’ said Andrew. ‘Now I’ll just go and check that Louisa has managed to get hold of those showreels I promised you,’ he said and walked out of the room.

  The moment he left an awkward silence descended. Katy must have looked distressed because a look of surprise then confusion flooded Cooper’s face.

  ‘What are you doing?’ she spat.

  ‘Look, I really think you would enjoy seeing our operation in Sydney,’ he replied.

  ‘You cannot manipulate me like this.’

  ‘I’m not,’ he said, looking genuinely dismayed. ‘I want you to come and see it. I thought it might help persuade you. I didn’t mean to trick you, I just thought it might help, that’s all.’

  ‘I feel manipulated.’

  ‘Oh goodness no,’ he said, looking horrified. ‘I didn’t mean that at all. Just come and see. Please. No pressure, I promise. Come and take a look and then decide. If you still don’t think it’s for you then no hard feelings.’

  Katy looked him up and down. She didn’t know whether to trust him or not. One minute he played the master businessman, convinced he was right and that everyone would follow, and the next minute he was this lovely, genuine guy who you might consider trusting with your life.

  ‘Come on,’ he said. ‘What’s the worst that can happen? At least you get to see Sydney.’

  She’d always wanted to go to Australia, but could she trust herself not to fall in love with it? She’d felt so clear-headed when she’d walked into work that morning and now she felt like she had a hangover and was about to be sick.

  ‘No pressure?’ she asked him.

  He held his palms up in mock surrender. ‘I promise,’ he said.

  God, it was so tempting. ‘I’ll have to check it’s OK with my husband,’ she said.

  ‘Of course.’ He nodded. ‘Totally understandable.’

  She nodded back.

  ‘Can I just say one thing?’ he asked tentatively.

  ‘You might as well,’ she said.

  ‘It’s just that, well, I imagine that guilt is playing a major role in your thinking at the moment.’

  She shrugged. She felt like a sulky teenager being handed well-meaning advice that she really didn’t want to listen to.

  ‘You know, if you were a man then guilt wouldn’t come into it. A man would see a great opportunity and go for it. Why should you be different just because of your gender?’

  She turned to look at him. She knew it was impossible to ignore her gender in this scenario. ‘Are you married?’ she asked.

  ‘No, but I nearly was once,’ he admitted. He looked as though he was about to elaborate, but then he stopped as Andrew walked back into the room.

  ‘Here we are,’ he said, handing a stack of showreels over to Cooper. ‘Take these back and show your guys, then all being well they’ll have a good understanding of what we do here before Katy gets there next week.’

  ‘I haven’t asked Ben yet,’ Katy felt the need to re-emphasise.

  Andrew turned his back on her as though to shut her up. ‘Thank you so much for dropping in this morning.’

  ‘My pleasure,’ said Cooper. He turned to Katy, holding his hand out. ‘We’ll talk later then?’ he said.

  ‘Yes,’ she said, limply shaking his hand back.

  ‘Good. Well, I can see myself out,’ said Cooper brusquely. ‘It’s been very good meeting you all.’ He nodded at Andrew and turned and left the room. She heard him thank Louisa, who was sitting at her desk outside, then watched as he strode down the corridor and disappeared through a door.

  ‘Well done you,’ said Andrew, turning and grasping her shoulders in excitement. ‘You must have made quite an impression! All-expenses-paid trip to Sydney? You must be chuffed to bits.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Katy, nodding, her brow furrowed. ‘Something like that.’

  ‘Come on,’ he said, ‘you can be a bit more excited than that! What’s the matter with you?’

  ‘It’s just a lot to get my head round, you know. And it’s short notice and there’s a lot going on at home, what with Christmas coming and all that.’

  ‘Are you kidding me? It’s twenty-six degrees in Sydney. You can get some sunshine and all your shopping done in Duty Free. What’s not to love? Get on the phone to Ben right now. Tell him you’ll bring him back a fluffy kangaroo and get your flight booked. I think we have this account in the bag.’

  Katy walked back to her office in a daze. What had just happened? She’d been so certain when she’d come into work that morning. Now what was she supposed to do?

  She picked up her mobile, trying to work out what she was going to say to Ben. She figured he’d be in the midst of Nativity mayhem so she would leave him a message. Ask him to call her back as soon as possible. Then in the meantime she could decide what to do.

  ‘Hi,’ he said breathlessly after two rings.

  ‘Oh, hi. I thought you’d be busy.’

  ‘So why did you phone?’

  ‘To leave you a message to say call me.’

  ‘I’m on the coffee run – you’ve got two minutes, so shoot.’

  ‘Right, well, er, so remember we pitched for some business with an Australian airline?’

  ‘Boomerang,’ Ben boomed out.
‘Are you serious? We hardly saw you for days because of that. How could I forget? You get the business then? Are we celebrating tonight?’

  ‘Well, er, not quite. You see they’re very keen, but they want us to go to Sydney and see the operation over there first.’

  Katy heard Ben whistle. ‘Wow! That’s some cushy number, eh? Work trip to Oz, how cool is that? So who is the “us” then? Is it you but they need me to go and carry the bags? Tell me that’s why you’re calling! Are we both going to Sydney?’

  ‘Sadly no. It’s – well, it’s just me they’ve asked actually.’

  ‘Wow – seriously? Well, that’s really cool, Katy. I’m jealous as hell though. When do you go?’

  ‘Sometime before Christmas?’

  ‘What! I thought you were going to say next year.’

  ‘I guess they want to get on with it.’ She paused. Ben was quiet on the other end of the line. ‘I’m sorry, Ben,’ she said.

  ‘No, no, it’s fine,’ he said, though she wasn’t sure if he meant it. ‘Me and Millie will battle on without you. How long do you think you’ll be away for?’

  ‘I’ll try and keep it as short as possible,’ she said, ‘but I don’t know. I guess given how long it takes to fly there, maybe four or five days, do you think?’

  ‘Yeah, I guess.’ He sounded distant now, like he was trying to work out his reaction to the news. ‘And when will you go?’

  ‘I’m not sure yet. I’ve not even looked at flights.’

  ‘Just don’t miss the Nativity, will you?’ he said quietly. ‘Millie would be devastated.’

  ‘Of course I won’t,’ she said.

  ‘Fine,’ he said. ‘I suppose I’d better get back to the stable.’

  ‘I’m so proud of you, you know,’ she found herself saying.

  ‘I’m proud of you too,’ he added. ‘Really proud. Will you bring me back a koala?’

  ‘Obviously.’

  ‘See you later.’

  ‘Bye.’

  Katy was still sitting with her head in her hands when Daniel slipped into her office about ten minutes later. She didn’t think she had ever felt so confused. She wished she could turn back the clock a week, to before she had been offered a dream job in Australia – life had been much simpler then.

  Daniel stood at the door and slow-clapped. Katy dragged her face out of her hands.

  ‘I hear you’ve only gone and bagged yourself a free trip out to Sydney,’ he said, putting his hands sulkily on his hips.

  ‘I didn’t ask for any of this,’ Katy told him defiantly. ‘I was just doing my job, OK?’

  Daniel nodded slowly. He turned round and shut the door behind him.

  ‘So are you going to go?’ he asked, folding his arms over his chest.

  She sighed; she wished she hadn’t told Daniel about the job offer. It wasn’t making it any easier.

  ‘I don’t see that I have any choice,’ she said. ‘I came in this morning ready to call Cooper and tell him it was a definite no and he’s one step ahead of me. He says he just wants to show me what it’s like, that’s all. No pressure.’

  Daniel raised his eyebrows. ‘That man is used to getting what he wants, Katy.’

  ‘I know,’ she agreed. ‘But what do I do? I can’t refuse to go as I’ll have to say why to Andrew, and then the whole deal could collapse. I might as well go. Why not? At least it will reassure me that saying no is definitely the right thing to do.’

  Daniel nodded, not saying anything. He walked over to the window and looked out on the rain-sodden grey streets of Leeds. ‘You’re right,’ he said. ‘Being in glorious sunshine as opposed to this is bound to put you off.’

  She didn’t know what to say. He looked at her and shrugged then walked across the room to the door. He went to open it then turned just as he was about to leave.

  ‘By the way,’ he said. ‘Ben called. I said I’d help Braindead work out how to ask Abby to marry him. They’re going to come in here next week.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Katy. ‘I appreciate that.’

  ‘No problem, that’s what friends are for.’

  He walked out and Katy put her head back in her hands.

  Chapter Eighteen

  ‘I’m not so sure about this idea,’ Matthew said to Alison as he entered the kitchen. ‘Lena has been in the bathroom for a very long time. Like she’s going to a lot of effort.’

  Ever since Alison had suggested inviting Ian for a meal to display all his failings to Lena, he’d had a bad feeling about it. After all, he knew Ian a lot better than Alison did. She barely socialised with him, having built her opinion of him from the stories Matthew had shared with her regarding his relationship history. Alison had never experienced Ian’s full charm offensive, and Matthew had a sneaking suspicion that her cunning plan was about to backfire spectacularly.

  ‘Oh, I’m not worried about that,’ said Alison, stirring a pan of home-made soup. ‘In fact the more effort she makes the better. The disappointment of discovering what Ian is actually like will then only be harder to bear and completely throw her off.’

  ‘Well, I hope you’re right,’ he said, reaching up to take wine glasses from the cupboard and putting them on the counter. ‘This is a hell of a lot of trouble to go to just to stop two people falling for each other.’

  ‘As I said before, better for it to happen here than at the Christmas party. And I can be here for Lena when she realises what a mistake she’s making. Now, can you make sure we have enough wine in the fridge?’

  ‘Do you think Lena drinks?’ he asked. ‘I don’t think I’ve ever seen her, have you?’

  ‘Oh,’ said Alison, turning towards him. ‘I’m not sure actually.’

  They looked at each other, confused.

  ‘Then again I don’t think I’ve ever offered her a glass of wine in the house,’ Matthew continued. ‘I guess there’s never been the occasion for it.’

  ‘Well no,’ said Alison. ‘She is our employee at the end of the day so I guess there wouldn’t have been any reason to offer her wine.’

  ‘Until now.’

  ‘Until now,’ agreed Alison. She turned away.

  Another reason Matthew was inclined to think the evening would not go as expected was the unique occasion of having their live-in nanny as a guest to dinner. As much as he liked and appreciated Lena, he always felt awkward somehow eating with her. If you sat down with a guest, you would make an effort with polite conversation. A member of the family you could just ignore. But an employee sitting at your breakfast table in their dressing gown? What does one do? His answer was typically to skip breakfast, meaning Lena was costing him a fortune in cereal bars at work, which were no good for his waistline either.

  There were two bottles of white in the fridge. More than enough surely, especially as Alison wasn’t drinking and Ian would be driving. He felt suddenly panicked. That would mean possibly only he and Lena would be drinking. It didn’t feel like a night for getting pissed with the nanny. That couldn’t be right, and yet the mere thought of the evening ahead made him want to get very drunk indeed.

  He took one of the bottles out of the fridge and put it back in the wine rack.

  ‘Can I do anything?’ he asked as Alison opened the oven door.

  ‘I think it’s all in hand,’ she said, steam billowing out in her face. ‘I’ve gone simple, soup and then a goulash. I thought we’d eat in here actually. Could you set the table?’

  ‘Of course,’ he said, glad of a job. He wanted to be busy when Lena came down; he didn’t want to be inactive and so forced into idle chatter. What would he talk about? A wave of panic passed over him yet again.

  He was just trying to do what Alison normally did with napkins when Lena tentatively entered the room. She slid in so quietly that Alison didn’t even notice that she was hovering nervously by the door.

  Matthew swallowed. The second he saw her he realised the night was doomed.

  ‘You look er… very smart,’ he faltered. This was a lie. She looked s
tunning. A midnight blue dress swathed her slim frame, complementing her dark hair, which she’d let fall loose around her shoulders rather than scraping it up into a ponytail as she usually did. It was her eyes that took your breath away, though. She must have put a lot of make-up around them, thought Matthew, because they looked enormous compared to normal. She clearly knew what she was doing in that department, though they had never seen this skill emerge before. Beautiful green eyes looked at him nervously, and he wanted more than anything to be able to cancel the entire night’s proceedings.

  ‘Wow!’ he heard Alison say. She was standing over the hob, wooden spoon paused in mid-air. Alison looked surprised and alarmed. She clearly hadn’t expected Lena to scrub up this well either. There was an awkward silence as they both continued to stare at her.

  ‘May I help?’ she asked, walking towards Alison. ‘Please. What can I do?’

  ‘Oh, er, well, er, I’m not sure,’ replied Alison, clearly thrown.

  ‘Let me wash those pans?’ she said, heading towards the sink.

  ‘Oh no,’ cried Alison. ‘Your dress!’

  ‘It’s OK,’ said Lena, pulling open a drawer and putting on an apron. ‘This is so kind of you, I must help.’ She tied the apron round her waist then turned to the sink.

  Alison glanced over at Matthew and they exchanged bewildered looks. Now she was starting to panic, he could tell. He tried not to give her an ‘I told you so’ look back.

  The doorbell rang. ‘I’ll get it,’ he gasped and dashed out the room, pleased to have the chance to gather his thoughts and readjust his approach to the evening.

  He pulled open the door ready to greet Ian but for a moment he couldn’t see him as he was obscured by an enormous bunch of blood-red roses.

  Oh for fuck’s sake, thought Matthew. He’s really going for it.

  ‘How do,’ said Ian cheerily, stepping into the hall. ‘How’s it going?’

  ‘Brilliant, just brilliant,’ said Matthew with a forced grin. ‘Couldn’t be better. Those for me?’ he said, nodding at the flowers.

  Ian laughed uproariously. ‘No, for someone special. Not you, you worthless waste of space.’