No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Right,’ said Ben, nodding slowly.

  ‘Katy’s going to Australia!’ exclaimed Braindead.

  ‘Sounds like it,’ said Ben tightly.

  ‘What? With work?’

  Ben shrugged. ‘Something to do with a new client.’

  ‘Jesus!’ said Braindead, glancing around him. ‘When can I get a job here, drawing pretty colours on glass screens?’

  ‘I’m sure she must only have found out this morning,’ said Daniel, looking nervously at Ben. ‘I bet she wants to talk to you about it tonight.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Ben. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘So Katy might not be there to see me fly through the night dressed as a penguin?’ said Braindead.

  ‘Does that mean you want to do it?’ asked Daniel, clapping his hands together.

  Braindead looked at them both. Ben looked thoughtful, as though he were in another place. Daniel looked eager, like a puppy.

  ‘Fuck it,’ said Braindead. ‘In for a penny, in for a pound. I’m only going to do this once, aren’t I?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Daniel, jumping up and hugging Braindead. ‘This is going to be the talk of the night, this is going to make everyone’s Christmas.’

  Chapter Twenty

  ‘Hiya,’ Ben heard Katy shout as she came through the door later that night.

  ‘Is Millie in bed?’ she asked, as she walked into the kitchen and started to take off her coat.

  ‘She’s just gone down,’ he replied.

  ‘I’ll pop in and give her a kiss then,’ she said. ‘Sorry I’m so late, been a hell of a day.’

  He watched as she left the room then turned to start laying the table ready for dinner. He tried to calm his breathing, but he was struggling. He wasn’t feeling himself; he wasn’t feeling himself at all. He was having feelings that he didn’t like, feelings he didn’t really recognise.

  He was used to living in the here and now. He couldn’t be arsed to look too far ahead – or too far back, for that matter. He preferred to just live in the moment. But all afternoon his head had been elsewhere. He wasn’t there when he picked Millie up from her friend’s house. He forgot her coat, and he was sure he forgot to thank Freya’s mum for looking after Millie while he was with Braindead and Daniel. When they got home he’d just stuck the TV on and stared at Peppa Pig blankly, taking in none of the story or the hijinks that usually did a pretty good job of entertaining him as well as Millie.

  He just couldn’t stop his mind wandering towards the reality of Katy flying to Sydney next week. It gave him a pain in his stomach just to think about it. He couldn’t understand why it made him feel so bad. She didn’t have a choice after all: she was going with work, it was part of her job. And yet the resentment he felt was burning him up. It was screwing with his mind. He wanted to say things that he never expected he would ever say.

  Things like:

  ‘And what am I supposed to do while you’re in Australia enjoying yourself?’

  And:

  ‘Oh, you just leave me to do all the Christmas preparations. Of course I don’t mind being dumped with all the present buying and the food shopping and the card writing.’

  And:

  ‘What do you mean, you’re travelling on a weekend? That’s my downtime. That’s your time with Millie. How am I supposed to go to footie training?’

  But most of all what was utterly killing him was the fact that by travelling this weekend it surely put at risk Katy’s ability to be back in time for the Nativity. Had she forgotten all about it? And if she had, why did it matter so much? It was just the Nativity, after all. But the thought of her not being there – well, that just felt wrong.

  The implications of Katy’s imminent trip kept spinning round and round in his head and were not helped by the phone call he’d taken from her mother, just as he was about to put Millie to bed.

  ‘Hello.’

  ‘Hello, Ben, it’s Rita. Are you OK?’

  ‘Yes, fine, thank you. Katy’s not here, I’m afraid.’

  ‘Oh dear, where is she?’

  ‘Still at work.’

  ‘Seriously? What is she doing still there? She works far too hard, that girl. Anyone would think she didn’t want to come home.’

  ‘Mmm,’ Ben had said.

  ‘Well, can you ask her to give me a ring? I need to talk to her about Carlos’s son. He lives in London – remember we talked about him?’

  ‘Yeees,’ Ben had said, not really listening.

  ‘You really do need to invite him for Christmas dinner. He was thinking of going back to Spain and spending it with his mother, but he doesn’t really want to. She’s a terrible bitch, so if you were to ask him then he could stay here and spend Christmas with his father, which would be wonderful, wouldn’t it?’

  Ben had said nothing. Just sighed.

  ‘He wouldn’t be any bother. He’s an architect. Very intelligent.’

  Bloody hell, Ben had thought. An over-educated egomaniac – just what they needed. ‘Shall I tell Katy to call you when she comes in?’ he’d said.

  ‘Yes, well, as long as it’s in the next half hour. We’re off out to dinner at Carlos’s brother’s. Do you think she’ll be back before then?’

  ‘I have no idea,’ he’d replied. All he’d received was a text after lunch saying she had to attend an account meeting but was hoping it wouldn’t be too late. That could mean anything.

  Now he could hear her moving around upstairs, and he wanted her to stay there. He wanted her to stay there so he didn’t have to talk to her, because he didn’t know what to say. Every time he tried to formulate in his mind how to explain why he was pissed off because she was going to Australia, it just sounded petty and pathetic and small-minded, and he prided himself on being none of those things. He’d spent a lot of time over the last three years listening to mums complain about their husbands. Complain that they didn’t take enough responsibility with the children, that they were always home late, that they didn’t lift a finger in the home, that they got to go away on business trips and stay in a hotel bed and eat food in restaurants. He tried to nod understandingly whenever a woman shared her rage that her husband had called drunk during the mayhem of kids’ teatime while he was on the other side of the world, having been out with customers eating and drinking the finest foods and wines.

  Often the women making these complaints were the stay-at-home mums whose husbands’ high-flying careers made it possible for them to not have to work. They complained of the freedom that their husbands had, to be able to waltz off to New York at a moment’s notice to attend an urgent meeting. Yet Ben often felt that they failed to recognise the freedom bestowed on them – that they could afford to be at home raising their children.

  And could they really be so mean-spirited that they would object to their husbands enjoying some aspects of having to travel with work? If he’d ever had a job like that then he would have made sure he made the most of it, because he was certain that anyone in that kind of position was working their socks off as well.

  The thing was, he had made the choice. He could have been at work rather than taking care of Millie. He had come to value the fact that he had been able to choose, that Katy had a sufficiently high-paid job to enable him to opt for being the one to stay at home. He knew exactly where he’d rather be. Some of the mums just didn’t seem to realise how lucky they were.

  So he didn’t want to moan about Katy going to Sydney. He was jealous, but he was also happy for her. Probably. What an opportunity. Just why did it have to be next week and would she even realise what she was missing?

  ‘She said that George gave her a kiss today.’ Katy came into the kitchen giggling to herself. ‘She said he’s a twin. I didn’t realise there are twins in her class.’

  ‘Oh, I forgot to mention it.’ Oh shit, thought Ben. I forgot all about George and Rebecca. ‘Funny story, actually. You’ll never guess who they are.’

  ‘Who, the twins? No idea.’

  Ben took a deep breath.
‘It’s George and Rebecca, Matthew and Alison’s kids.’ Katy turned to look at him with her mouth open. ‘So much has been going on, I forgot to tell you about it,’ he continued.

  ‘How could you forget to tell me that? Last time we saw them… last time we saw them…’

  ‘We vowed never to set eyes on them again.’ Ben nodded. ‘I know, but they just turned up.’

  ‘Matthew and Alison did?’

  ‘No, George and Rebecca. They have a nanny. I’ve not seen Matthew or Alison at all – the nanny does all the drop-offs and pick-ups.’

  ‘They have a nanny? I thought Alison was some kind of supermum, I never thought she would have a nanny. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me,’ said Katy, looking visibly shaken. ‘What if they decide to send the twins to Millie’s school? We’ll have to see them all the time. This is a nightmare.’ She sat down and put her head in her hands.

  ‘I just forgot, that’s all,’ said Ben defensively. ‘What with Christmas and you working all hours, it doesn’t seem like we’ve had the chance to talk properly in weeks. And now, with you going to Sydney.’ He paused. Just come out with it, he thought. She can’t accuse me of forgetting to tell her things when she failed to consult me on the timing of her trip. ‘At the weekend, is it?’

  ‘Oh, yes, sorry. They’ve booked the flights today. I tried to call you to check, but I couldn’t get hold of you. I fly out Sunday and come back Friday. It’s the quickest I can do it before Christmas. Is that OK?’

  ‘I know it’s not an ideal time to be going away,’ Katy continued. ‘I’m so sorry, I’m making it as short a trip as I possibly can.’

  ‘When do you get back?’ he asked.

  ‘Friday.’

  ‘What time Friday?’

  ‘Er, I’m not sure. Early, I think. Hang on a minute – I’ll check.’

  He watched as she got up and went to fish her phone out of her bag. She tapped at it, occasionally glancing up at him.

  ‘I actually get in at five in the morning to Heathrow,’ she said. ‘Blimey, I won’t know where I am!’

  ‘How will you get back up here?’ asked Ben. He couldn’t believe it. She was bound to say something any minute, wasn’t she? She couldn’t have forgotten. Perhaps it wasn’t important. Perhaps he shouldn’t be getting so wound up.

  ‘I don’t know. Train maybe? I haven’t got that far yet.’

  She was going to force him to say it, and he wouldn’t say it right. He would sound pathetic and whiny when he’d vowed never to be that. She was staring at him now. They were both uncomfortable. There appeared to be a lot of unsaid words hanging awkwardly in the air. Who would crack first? Ben couldn’t stand it any longer.

  ‘But what about Millie’s Nativity?’ he said, looking away, embarrassed. He’d wanted to say ‘my Nativity’ but stopped himself.

  Katy gasped. ‘I totally forgot. I’d blocked out Friday morning as a meeting to make sure I didn’t put anything in, but I couldn’t remember what it was for.’ She sat down on a chair with a thud. ‘Things have just been so busy it went clean out of my mind. Oh my God, what do I do? What time does it start?’

  ‘Ten,’ said Ben flatly.

  They looked at each other, both trying to do the maths. Whichever way you looked at it, it was tight.

  ‘I’ll take the car,’ she said. ‘Drive straight up.’

  ‘You can’t drive from London to Leeds after that kind of flight, you’ll kill yourself.’

  ‘I’ll look at trains or see if I can get a connecting flight up to Manchester. Yes, that’s what I’ll do. Fly up to Manchester and then get a taxi or something.’

  Ben looked across at her. They both knew there was a high risk she was going to miss it.

  ‘I’ll be there,’ said Katy. ‘Whatever it takes, I’ll be there.’

  He nodded. His eyes felt hot and prickly. He needed to change the subject fast. ‘Your mum phoned,’ he said. ‘She wants you to invite Carlos’s son for Christmas Day.’ He watched as she screwed her face up then a look of concern appeared.

  ‘It’s not the Christmas you envisaged, is it?’ she said. ‘I’m so sorry.’

  He breathed long and slow several times, praying the prickly eye thing would go away.

  He shrugged. ‘Maybe.’

  Katy looked horrified. ‘I’ll make it up to you, I promise,’ she said.

  ‘Make up for what?’

  ‘For it not being the Christmas you imagined. When I get back from Australia, I promise we’ll do Christmassy stuff.’

  Like make a baby, he wanted to say. But something stopped him.

  ‘I said I’d meet Braindead and Abby down the Crown,’ he said. He suddenly needed to get out.

  ‘Right,’ said Katy. ‘OK. I’ll, er, give Mum a call while you’re out. See if I can deflect Carlos’s son.’

  ‘Whatever you want,’ he replied and turned to walk out the door.

  Braindead and Abby found him an hour later nursing his third pint. He’d been hideously early leaving for their rendezvous, but he didn’t tell Katy that. His disappointment at her forgetting about the Nativity was weighing so heavy on his shoulders that he didn’t feel he could even be in the same room as her.

  ‘How do,’ said Braindead, slapping him on the back. ‘You want another?’

  Ben nodded and tried hard to smile at Abby, despite the fact he didn’t feel like smiling.

  ‘Large white?’ Braindead asked Abby. She nodded then he loped off to the bar.

  ‘Braindead said you needed to ask me something?’ Abby said as soon as she sat down.

  Ben nodded. ‘Shall we wait until he gets back?’ They’d agreed to meet that night so they could invite Abby to join the Butler & Calder table at Christmas Party Land as instructed by Daniel. He’d called HR before they’d left, who said they had a spare ticket because Colin in Accounts had just been fired for getting caught in the audience of a TV Christmas special when he was supposed to be off sick.

  ‘Is it about Katy? Have you got woman troubles?’ asked Abby.

  ‘No,’ he replied defensively. Him and Abby had had a rocky start. She had arrived in their lives via her best mate, Charlene, who had been in the same antenatal class as Ben and Katy. Initially Abby had taken a shine to Ben, thinking he was fair game as a stay-at-home dad, casting Katy as the evil bitch who had put her career first. Ben had never reciprocated, and thankfully as soon as Abby had met Braindead, it proved to be an unlikely match made in heaven. It was clear, however, that Katy and Abby were never going to be the best of friends, and as such, Abby was always keen to lap up any crumbs that might be to Katy’s detriment.

  ‘No, it has nothing to do with Katy,’ he repeated. ‘Well it has, but only indirectly. If you see what I mean.’

  ‘Not really,’ replied Abby.

  Ben sighed. ‘Let’s just wait until Braindead gets back,’ he said.

  Abby shrugged and got out her phone, staring into it to check her reflection. Her make-up must have taken hours and was flawless in that caked-on kind of way. Ben wondered for the hundredth time what she actually saw in the scruffy ragbag that was Braindead.

  ‘There we go,’ said Braindead, landing two pints and a large glass of white wine on the table. ‘Have you asked her?’ he said to Ben.

  ‘No,’ he replied. ‘We were waiting for you.’

  ‘What for?’

  ‘The suspense is so killing me,’ said Abby. ‘Just spit it out, whatever it is.’

  ‘Will you come to Katy’s office Christmas party?’ asked Ben.

  ‘Why?’ said Abby after a moment’s thought. ‘That is the weirdest thing you have ever said to me. What are you talking about?’

  ‘Because er…’ He looked at Braindead for help.

  ‘Because I’m going,’ said Braindead.

  ‘Oh, how come?’

  ‘I’m going with Daniel.’

  ‘Gay Daniel.’

  ‘Yes.’ Braindead nodded. ‘Though don’t call him that on the night, eh? He really doesn’t like it. Well he
doesn’t mind it from me, but he’s used to my refusal to be intimidated into being politically correct. He may take offence at you, though – he’s a bit touchy like that.’

  ‘Why are you going with Gay Daniel – sorry, Daniel?’ asked Abby.

  ‘Because er…’ said Braindead, now looking for Ben to help him out.

  ‘Because his boyfriend just dumped him and so he has a spare ticket and he doesn’t want to go on his own.’

  ‘So he invited him?’ she asked, pointing at her boyfriend.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Does he fancy him then or something? None of this makes much sense. Are you trying to tell me you’re gay?’

  ‘No,’ said Braindead, shaking his head. ‘You’re totally overthinking it. Right, let’s start again.’ He took a deep breath. ‘Abby, would you like to go to Christmas Party Land next Saturday night with me and Ben and Gay Daniel and Katy?’

  ‘I’m already going, you numpty!’ she exclaimed. ‘It’s our works do. I’ve told you a million times. I asked you to come and you said no.’

  ‘Did I?’ said Braindead, clearly having no recollection.

  ‘Yes! But clearly if Daniel asks you then you leap at it. Are you sure you don’t want to tell me something?’

  ‘No!’ said Braindead. ‘I’m sorry I just—’

  ‘You just forgot she asked you, right,’ Ben added helpfully. ‘I bet it was months ago.’

  ‘We did book it in June, I think,’ admitted Abby.

  ‘Of course you did,’ said Braindead. ‘How am I supposed to remember that?’

  ‘Daniel was desperate,’ continued Ben. ‘Braindead really had no choice. But he insisted you were invited along as well.’

  ‘Did he?’

  ‘I did,’ said Braindead, nodding vigorously. ‘I said there’s no way I’m going unless Abby can come too.’

  ‘Aaah, did you?’ said Abby. ‘That’s sooo nice.’

  Ben watched in horror as Abby leaned forward and landed a full-on smooch on Braindead’s lips.