No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘You look lovely,’ he said, pulling his shirt on.

  ‘Oh shut up,’ she said. ‘I passed Lena on the landing. I look like an overstuffed sofa and she looks like she just stepped off the dance floor in Strictly.’

  He couldn’t deny that it had crossed his mind when he’d seen the perfect make-up, elaborate hair, thigh-skimming dress and sequins a plenty. She looked gorgeous; Ian was going to go mental.

  ‘You’re eight months pregnant and…’ he held his hand up to quieten her protests ‘… you have never looked more stunning.’ Her shoulders drooped. Would she accept the compliment? Matthew held his breath.

  ‘I can’t wait for this baby,’ she said tearfully, rubbing her belly, ‘honestly I can’t. But it’s rubbish being pregnant at Christmas. I so want to look pretty in a sparkly dress.’

  ‘I bet that’s exactly what the Virgin Mary said,’ replied Matthew solemnly.

  Alison managed a smile. ‘It’s just hard to feel Christmassy when you’re the size of a house,’ she muttered. ‘Especially when you look at Lena and she looks like the fairy on top of the tree.’ She glared into the mirror as she put her earrings in. ‘We’re doomed at this party, aren’t we? I don’t even know why we’re going. I’ll be sat in a corner, sober, miserable and with swollen ankles. You can’t even put your arms around me to dance. I’ll be left watching Ian get his Christmas claws into our nanny. It’s going to be the worst party ever.’

  ‘Will you please put your trousers on while you’re ironing my shirt,’ gasped Braindead desperately. ‘Jesus Christ, if anyone walked in here now they’d think they’d walked into a photo shoot for Mr Gay UK!’

  ‘You would never in a million years make it to Mr Gay UK,’ said Daniel, ignoring his request and taking even more time ironing Braindead’s shirt for him.

  ‘I take offence at that,’ declared Braindead, sticking out his bare, hairy potbelly. ‘I think you’re being phobic – not homophobic, the other phobic.’

  ‘Heterophobic?’ asked Daniel.

  ‘Yeah. Just because I’m not gay doesn’t mean you can throw shade at my body.’

  ‘Throw shade at your body!’ exclaimed Daniel. ‘What kind of talk is that?’

  Braindead shrugged. ‘Abby talks like that all the time.’

  ‘Doesn’t sound right, coming out of your real-ale-swilling mouth. Now, put this on.’ He handed the shirt back over to Braindead. ‘How you were ever going to think you could convince a girl to marry you in that crumpled mess, I will never know. Now, where’s your tie?’

  ‘In my jacket pocket.’

  The trouserless Daniel walked over to the chair where Braindead had slung his jacket. Rooting in his pockets he pulled out what looked like a torch strapped to some elastic. ‘What on earth is this?’ he asked.

  ‘A head torch,’ replied Braindead. ‘You put it over your head so you can see in the dark, but your hands are still free. Thought it might be useful for when I’m up in the ceiling. Could be dark up there.’ He grabbed the contraption off Daniel and pulled it over his head so the torch rested on his forehead. He reached up and switched it on, nearly blinding Daniel.

  ‘Oh, it’s like what the surgeons wear on Grey’s Anatomy,’ said Daniel, blinking furiously. ‘But Dr McSteamy you ain’t, and it’s hardly James Bond, is it? Just don’t forget to take it off before you come into view. Everyone will think we’re under alien attack if you float down with lights beaming from your head. Now, stand still while I do this tie.’

  ‘Please will you put your trousers on?’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake, just stand still, will you?’

  Braindead stared straight ahead over Daniel’s shoulder as he tied his bow tie.

  ‘There you go,’ he said, taking a step back. ‘Now I’d consider marrying you.’

  Braindead faltered for a moment. ‘She will say yes, won’t she?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course. Who could turn down a man floating down from heaven to propose?’

  ‘But that’s not me, is it?’ said Braindead. ‘That’s all the fancy stuff. She still has to say yes to me. She still has to say yes to everything she already knows about me.’

  Daniel paused for a moment.

  ‘That is exactly why she’ll say yes,’ he replied.

  Braindead sighed and reached up to switch his light off. ‘I really hope you’re right.’

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Lena’s eyes widened in amazement as she stepped out of the house.

  ‘You have got to be kidding me,’ said Alison.

  ‘Oh, for fuck’s sake!’ exclaimed Matthew.

  ‘Your carriage awaits.’ Ian grinned as he held open the door to the long black stretch Hummer parked on the drive outside Matthew and Alison’s house.

  Lena rushed forward and embraced Ian. ‘This is amazing,’ she gushed. ‘All my life I have wanted to go in one of these.’

  ‘When you said you were picking us up, I assumed you’d be driving,’ said Alison, looking cautiously around to make sure none of the upmarket neighbours had spotted the car most likely to be driven by a drugs baron parked on their drive. She’d been surprised and relieved that Ian had offered to drive, thinking he would be one for wanting to make the most of the all-inclusive drinks package. It all made sense now. A chauffeur-driven fancy car was guaranteed to sweep Lena off her feet and Ian could indulge in as much alcohol as he wanted.

  Matthew stood yet again in awe at Ian’s cunning. He too had been shocked by Ian’s offer to drive. He should have known he had something up his sleeve. The car was pretty cool, though. Matthew had also felt his heart beat slightly faster at the sight of it. He’d also longed for some time to see inside one and have a ride. This was going to be fun.

  ‘What the hell is that?’ said Marlene from the doorway. Marlene was a mum friend of Alison’s who had offered to babysit. ‘My goodness, you lot know how to live!’

  ‘I have nothing whatsoever to do with it,’ said Alison. ‘I can assure you I had no idea this is how we were going to get to the party. This is Ian, he’s showing off.’

  ‘Well, he can show off to me any time if that’s how he treats a lady,’ said Marlene. ‘When Frank takes me out, there’s usually a massive argument first about who’ll drive and somehow it’s always me. I dream of a man who turns up with a carriage like that. Hello, Ian,’ she continued, shouting over at Ian, who already had his arm around Lena’s shoulders. ‘I’m the babysitter. Love your wheels, you can pick me up any time.’

  ‘Seriously!’ said Alison, turning to her friend. ‘Are you that easily impressed?’

  ‘After ten years of marriage, definitely.’ She shrugged. ‘I miss the romantic stage.’

  ‘This isn’t romance,’ said Alison, getting agitated. ‘It’s glory seeking.’

  Marlene shrugged. ‘Don’t care what you call it. Whatever it is, it works.’ She nodded over towards the car. Lena was giggling at something Ian was whispering in her ear.

  ‘Right,’ said Alison. ‘Shall we go? Let’s get this over with. How do we even get in this thing?’

  ‘Enjoy yourselves!’ shouted Marlene as Alison struggled to hoist herself up into the high-wheelbase car. Alison looked over her shoulder and grimaced.

  ‘Holy Mary, mother of God!’ gasped Daniel as they walked into the vast open space of Christmas Party Land. ‘This is bad on a scale I haven’t even had nightmares about yet.’ He shielded his eyes from the bombardment of bright lights that bounced off every wall and the juxtaposition of enormous twenty-foot-high Christmas trees alongside African tree houses, imposing masks, totem poles and the sound of thudding drums. The bar area was already thronging with hundreds of excitable partygoers in ballgowns and tuxedos throwing back the all-inclusive drinks package like it was going to run out at any second. And it was only 6.30 p.m.

  ‘It hurts my eyes,’ declared Daniel. ‘And none of it makes any sense. How can a classic Christmas aesthetic live alongside a totem pole? And do they even have totem poles in Africa? I don’t get any of this,
it’s utterly ridiculous. Do you get it?’ he turned to ask Braindead.

  Braindead’s jaw was virtually on the floor. But it wasn’t the décor, or the jarring, drum-thumping music, it was the crowd that he couldn’t take his eyes off. He watched as it swarmed and swelled and shouted and sang and pushed and shoved, everyone desperate to get into the party spirit. The mood was jolly but fraught with anticipation. For many this night made the tedium of spending most of their working lives in a shit job just that bit more bearable: the chance to enjoy one’s colleagues rather than despair of them.

  The throng terrified Braindead. What was he doing? He was self-employed. He had no scores to settle with colleagues, no crosses to bear. He spent the vast majority of his time alone. What was he thinking doing the most personal thing he had ever done in front of this braying mob? This was insanity.

  ‘I’m going home,’ he told Daniel, turning to leave.

  ‘What! You can’t go,’ said Daniel, grabbing his arm. ‘It’s all set. We need to go and meet Craig. He’s all ready with the harness.’

  ‘I can’t do it,’ said Braindead, shaking his head.

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘This. It’s not me. It’s not me at all.’

  ‘Precisely,’ urged Daniel. ‘It isn’t about you, is it? It’s about Abby. Don’t you see? This is you doing something that isn’t you – for her. Isn’t that the ultimate show of love? She’s going to love this, isn’t she?’

  Braindead nodded, biting his lip.

  ‘You know this is right up her street. It may not be up yours but that makes it so much more powerful. She’ll know you’re doing it for her. It’ll make her life, Braindead. Imagine holding your grandkids on your knee and Abby telling them for the hundredth time how their grandpa proposed. You will be the coolest-sounding grandpa ever.’

  Braindead said nothing.

  ‘This is extraordinary,’ said Daniel, waving his hands around. ‘Don’t propose over a bag of chips, Braindead. Make your proposal extraordinary.’

  Braindead swallowed. He took three deep breaths. He closed his eyes tight then opened them again.

  ‘OK,’ he nodded. ‘Let’s do it. For Abby.’

  Lena’s jaw dropped for the second time that evening as the four of them walked into the foyer of Christmas Party Land. The vast space, decorated by a thousand fairy lights amongst tree houses and palm trees, was totally magical, if a little bizarre.

  ‘I had not expected this,’ she said to Ian. ‘It is so big.’

  Ian fought back a smutty joke. ‘There are bumper cars somewhere,’ he told her. ‘And a Ferris wheel.’

  ‘Wow!’ said Lena, her eyes wide.

  ‘Shall we go to the bar?’ he asked, looking around to see where Matthew and Alison were.

  ‘Why is it African themed?’ asked Alison, coming up behind them and looking unimpressed.

  ‘Who cares?’ replied Ian. ‘It’s Christmas. Now what can I get you to drink?’

  ‘You do know we’ve already paid for drinks, don’t you?’ said Alison. She had sat tight-lipped for the whole journey in the Hummer, grimacing when Ian produced a bottle of Champagne. Matthew had gratefully accepted some until he saw Alison scowl and so he had been forced to pretend not to enjoy it.

  ‘I know,’ replied Ian. ‘I just asked you what you would like to drink. I can rephrase if you like. I could ask you what you would like from the free bar? Is that better?’

  ‘It’s technically not a free bar either, is it?’ said Alison.

  ‘Alison, what can I get you from the array of drinks that are part of the pre-paid, all-inclusive drinks package that we’ve already paid for?’

  ‘Orange juice please.’

  ‘I’ll come and give you a hand,’ said Matthew, ready to apologise for his wife.

  ‘I must find the bathroom,’ said Alison.

  ‘Will you be OK waiting here?’ Ian asked Lena.

  ‘Of course,’ she said. ‘I have so much to see. Don’t worry about me.’

  Ian nodded. ‘Stay here then,’ he said. ‘I don’t want to lose you.’

  ‘Merry Christmas,’ said Ben, raising his pint glass to Katy as they stood amongst the throng at the bar. He glanced round, soaking in the happy, jolly faces bobbing around him. Time for the both of them to enjoy a night out and forget the atmosphere that had existed between them over the last few days. He was tired of feeling awkward and confused. Everything was fine. He knew he had nothing to worry about with Katy going to Australia. Time to party!

  ‘Merry Christmas,’ replied Katy, holding up her glass of Prosecco. ‘By the way I think there’s someone over there waving at you,’ she added, pointing over to a beautiful woman standing by the grand doorway. ‘Looks like she knows you.’

  Ben peered over. The woman looked vaguely familiar but he was sure he would remember if he knew someone that stunning. He looked harder then started to panic as she walked towards him. He couldn’t place her. How embarrassing. ‘I don’t know her,’ he whispered to Katy. ‘What do I do?’

  ‘Well, she certainly thinks she knows you.’

  ‘Hi,’ she said, holding out her hand as she approached. ‘Lena. From preschool.’

  ‘Oh God, of course,’ replied Ben, slapping his forehead. ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t recognise you. You look so… so…’

  ‘I’m Katy,’ interrupted Katy, holding her hand out. ‘Ben’s wife.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Lena. She looked surprised and momentarily confused. ‘Well, your husband is superb with children,’ she added, once she’d gathered herself.

  Katy nodded. ‘Thank you. He has good practice with our child, Millie.’

  ‘Lena, er… Lena, er…’ faltered Ben. Oh shit, he thought.

  ‘What children do you have?’ asked Katy.

  ‘Oh, they are not my children. I am the nanny. I look after twins who are at the preschool, as well as a two-year-old at home, and the mother is also pregnant again. So I am busy,’ she said with a dazzling smile.

  ‘She’s pregnant again!’ gasped Ben.

  ‘Yes. With number four and all under four. It is a very busy house as you can imagine, but I love it.’

  Katy was staring at Lena now and at Ben. Ben looked nervously over at her. Had she realised whose children Lena was talking about? What with all this Australia business and Braindead’s proposal, the arrival of Matthew and Alison’s children at Millie’s preschool had been somewhat overshadowed.

  ‘And who are you here with?’ asked Ben, an awful thought suddenly striking him.

  ‘Well, kind of strange actually but I am here with a friend of my employers.’

  Ben nodded. ‘Oh good.’

  ‘And my employers.’

  ‘Oh,’ said Ben, his eyes suddenly wide. ‘How very nice for you.’

  ‘Actually I should get back. They went to get drinks and told me to stay by the door. They will think I have got lost. It was so nice to meet you,’ she said to Katy. ‘Maybe see you later?’

  ‘Yes, great,’ replied Ben.

  They both watched in silence as she turned her back and moved away. When there was enough distance between them, Ben grabbed Katy’s hand and pulled her behind a pillar.

  ‘Did you realise who that was?’ he hissed.

  ‘Was it Matthew and Alison’s nanny? You never said how stunning she was.’

  ‘She doesn’t collect the kids looking like that, I can assure you,’ said Ben. ‘What do we do?’

  ‘We’ll just have to try to avoid them,’ replied Katy.

  ‘Can you believe she’s pregnant again?’ said Ben, wide-eyed. ‘Four kids!’

  ‘I know. Can you imagine?’

  ‘Nearly a football team. Just amazing.’ What had he and Katy been playing at? How come Matthew already had two more children than him and another on the way?

  ‘Look, let’s go and find Braindead,’ suggested Katy before Ben could mention the fact that tonight would be the perfect time to ‘make babies’ as Millie was out of the house staying with his mother. ‘They mu
st be behind the scenes somewhere,’ she continued. ‘Hopefully we’ll be seated at the opposite side of the room to Matthew and Alison, and if she’s pregnant they won’t be stopping long. With a bit of luck we won’t even see them.’

  ‘You will not guess who is here,’ Lena said to Alison when she arrived back from the bathroom and they were still waiting for Matthew and Ian to appear with drinks.

  ‘Who?’ asked Alison, looking round hopefully for a chair. She was desperate for them to call dinner so she could sit down, although she wasn’t hopeful about the culinary delights dreamed up by someone who thought an African-themed Christmas party was wise.

  ‘Master Elf,’ she said excitedly. ‘From school. He is here.’

  ‘Master Elf is here!’ exclaimed Alison. ‘The Master Elf?’

  ‘Yes, yes! He was just over there. But he is gone now.’

  ‘Well, you must find him and introduce me,’ said Alison, feeling instantly uplifted. This was the best news she had heard all day. With Master Elf here there was an outside chance that Ian could be kicked off his perch and Lena could end up with a man more suitable for her, and indeed for Alison. If she could get Lena to introduce her then she would be in prime position for a little matchmaking. This was brilliant news.

  ‘Master Elf is here,’ said Alison, beaming as Matthew finally approached her with an orange juice. A look of confusion passed over his face until the possibilities dawned on him.

  ‘Master Elf is here, at this party?’ he asked.

  ‘Yes,’ chimed Alison and Lena.

  ‘Who is Master Elf?’ asked Ian.

  ‘You remember, Master Elf is the most marvellous teacher at George and Rebecca’s school, isn’t he, Lena?’ said Alison.

  ‘He is very good. So good with children,’ she agreed.

  ‘You’ve all taken such a shine to him,’ added Alison. ‘Haven’t you, Lena?’

  Lena blushed slightly. ‘Oh yes. We all like him a lot.’

  ‘So did you meet him?’ Matthew asked Alison.