No-one Ever Has Sex on Christmas Day: The most hilarious romantic comedy you'll read this Christmas

by Tracy Bloom

  ‘Is that who I think it is?’ said Alison when she’d settled herself into the seat next to Matthew after much huffing and puffing.

  ‘I think it might be,’ said Matthew.

  They were both silent as they watched the spectacle unfold. Katy nodded and embraced the mystery man, and the crowd went wild.

  ‘Did they just get engaged?’ said Alison. ‘Who is that? It’s not Ben, is it?’ She looked over at Matthew in confusion.

  ‘So romantic,’ said Lena, clapping her hands together in glee, watching the delicate foam snowflakes drift to the floor. ‘A proposal in fake snow, I have never seen anything like it before.’

  ‘That’s impressive,’ agreed Ian. ‘He’s certainly done it in style. She must be worth it.’

  ‘It’s Katy,’ Matthew told Ian before he could stop himself. Ian had been his sounding board when he’d got into a right pickle with Katy before. The only person he had ever confessed his one-night stand to.

  ‘What? The Katy!’ exclaimed Ian.

  ‘What do you mean, “the Katy”?’ asked Alison.

  ‘She looks so happy,’ said Lena dreamily.

  Ian took in Matthew’s horrified glance.

  ‘Katy Charles, from Gilpin,’ said Ian. ‘I assume you mean her, Matthew? It’s Matthew’s bitch of a client. He can’t stand her,’ he told Lena.

  ‘Oh, but she looks so nice,’ said Lena.

  ‘No, it’s not that Katy,’ said Matthew, relieved at Ian’s quick thinking. ‘A different one. You’ve never met her.’

  ‘It’s Matthew’s ex,’ Alison said bluntly. ‘We’ve had some run-ins with her in the past, and let’s just say it’s been awkward.’

  ‘Oh, I see,’ replied Ian. ‘Exes can be like that.’

  ‘As well you know, Ian,’ said Alison.

  ‘Thank you, Alison,’ replied Ian, getting up and grabbing a bottle of white wine from the ice bucket and reaching over to fill Lena’s glass. ‘Now let me introduce you, Lena, to all my long-suffering colleagues. As you can probably detect, we are on the tax-department table. Hence, allow me to present to you a lot of single male losers,’ he said, casting his arm round the table. His colleagues heckled and Lena grinned. Meanwhile Katy was now dragging the mystery man around the dance floor to the croonings of Bing Crosby.

  ‘Whoever he is, he doesn’t actually look very happy about what he’s just done,’ muttered Alison to Matthew. Meanwhile Matthew’s mind was in overdrive. He’d never had much time for Ben, but Katy clearly did. None of this made any sense, and it looked as though it didn’t make any sense to the two on the dance floor either.

  ‘I hope they’re not sitting anywhere near us,’ added Alison. ‘I really don’t need to make polite conversation with your ex-girlfriend tonight.’

  ‘No,’ said Matthew, shaking his head. He didn’t need that either.

  ‘Let’s watch where they sit and then avoid that side of the room,’ suggested Alison.

  ‘OK,’ said Matthew, still mesmerised by the weird couple.

  She dug him in the ribs. ‘Don’t forget you must make sure that you ask Lena to go and find Master Elf as soon as dinner is finished,’ she added. ‘It’s all going far too well for the lovebirds over there.’

  Lena was gazing into Ian’s eyes as he held court over the opposite side of the table. He cracked a joke, causing the entire group to fall about laughing. Including Lena.

  Matthew and Alison watched as the couple abruptly left the dance floor at the opposite side of the room.

  ‘Thank goodness for that,’ said Alison. ‘All we need now is to avoid Katy and find Master Elf.’

  ‘He’s gone,’ said Daniel, walking back into the deserted bar area where Katy and Ben were sitting with Abby, who was slumped on a sofa. ‘Can’t find him anywhere.’

  ‘He was really pissed off,’ said Katy.

  ‘He’ll have gone home,’ said Ben. ‘He’ll be on the PlayStation by now, trying to block out the mortification.’

  ‘Nobody spotted, did they?’ asked Katy.

  ‘That he asked the wrong person to marry him in front of a cast of thousands?’ said Daniel. ‘No, no-one spotted, apart from him, of course. Stupid girl,’ he said, prodding Abby.

  ‘I mean, he didn’t look stupid in front of everyone, did he? We spared him that?’ asked Katy.

  ‘I think you just about got away with it,’ said Ben. ‘If you were looking closely, you could totally tell something was up, but everyone was either too pissed or totally caught up in how romantic he was being.’

  ‘Quick thinking,’ said Daniel, slapping Katy on the back, ‘very quick. It did cross my mind of course to steam in myself, but I think Braindead would have thumped me, don’t you?’

  A couple passed by on their way to the bar. They spotted Katy and dashed over.

  ‘That was sooo romantic,’ gushed the woman. ‘You are sooo lucky. Let me see the ring – come on, let me see it.’

  ‘Er, I-I didn’t get a ring yet,’ stuttered Katy, hiding her hands.

  ‘Are you going to choose it together?’ she asked.

  Katy nodded. ‘Yes.’

  ‘Such a good idea,’ she enthused. ‘Look what hideous piece of junk I got stuck with.’ She stuck her hand in Katy’s face to show her the triple sapphire set in gold that adorned her ring finger. ‘But it’s the thought that counts, isn’t it?’ she said, grabbing the hand of her husband, who was standing gormlessly next to her. ‘Be sure he spends shedloads,’ the woman added. ‘He clearly thinks you’re worth it. Where is he, by the way? I need to tell him that every woman in that room totally fell in love with him.’

  ‘Oh, he’s in the loo,’ said Katy quickly.

  ‘Well, you give him a smacker from me,’ she said. ‘He’s a keeper. Well done, love.’ She staggered off towards the bar, her husband stumbling behind her.

  ‘Is it going to be like this all night?’ said Katy. ‘I can’t spend the evening accepting congratulations. And how do we explain where Braindead is?’ She glared down at Abby, snoring contentedly. ‘What have you done, Abby?’

  ‘I’ll explain to everyone that we’re leaving,’ Katy told Ben as they slunk along the back of the hall. Daniel had offered to take Abby home – anything to end Christmas Party Land early. Katy and Ben decided this was the ideal excuse for an early exit too. ‘You grab my bag from under the table,’ she said.

  ‘Great,’ replied Ben. ‘Hey, we don’t have to go home. We just have to get out of here, don’t we? Shall we go into town? Let’s go to Fever – see if they’ll play us some Christmas tunes.’

  Katy grinned. ‘Brilliant idea! Tell you what, why don’t you grab a bottle of wine and we can drink that in the cab on the way over?’

  ‘You are such a bad influence,’ said Ben proudly.

  ‘After tonight, I think we deserve a drink, don’t you?’

  ‘Master Elf, Master Elf!’ they heard a shriek come from behind them. Ben automatically swivelled round to come face-to-face with Lena before spotting Matthew and Alison sitting with her.

  ‘This is Master Elf!’ cried Lena, leaping up from out of her seat and pulling him over towards the table. Ben noticed that her cheeks were a little flushed and she looked highly excitable.

  The look of absolute astonishment on Alison and Matthew’s faces was a sight to behold.

  ‘Hi,’ said Ben meekly, raising a hand. ‘Fancy meeting you here.’

  ‘You!’ said Alison, pointing a finger at Ben. ‘You are Master Elf? But that’s impossible.’

  ‘It is him,’ said Lena, jumping up and down excitedly. ‘Ian, this is Master Elf. From George and Rebecca’s preschool.’

  ‘The one everyone’s been going on and on about,’ said Ian, getting up and shaking Ben’s hand before turning to Katy. ‘And you just got engaged!’ he said. ‘May I buy the bride-to-be a drink?’ He did a double take and then glanced over at Matthew with a quizzical look.

  ‘It’s a free bar!’ exclaimed Alison for the fifth time. ‘And… and… it’s Ben. I don’t u
nderstand. What are you doing here, and why are you with her, and why is Lena calling you Master Elf?’ she added, getting up. ‘I don’t understand any of this.’

  ‘Bloody hell, Alison!’ exclaimed Ben. ‘You’re enormous!’

  ‘I don’t think that’s relevant right at this point, do you, Ben?’ she said. ‘Please tell me you’re not Master Elf.’

  Ben had forgotten how scary Alison could be when everything had just spun out of control and she was desperately trying to make sense of things.

  ‘Yes,’ he said, bracing himself. ‘I am Master Elf.’

  ‘Master Elf? As in the Master Elf at George and Rebecca’s preschool that they go on and on about every day?’ said Matthew, getting up.

  ‘Yes, Matthew,’ said Alison, sounding frustrated. ‘Ben is Master Elf. Do you have any idea of the implications of this?’ she said.

  No-one said anything. Katy was wondering if now would be a good time to talk to Ben about Australia as an escape route from this chaos. She could see, however, that Ben was totally mesmerised by Alison’s bump. As for Alison, as usual she was completely overreacting to the news that Ben was in charge of her precious children’s Nativity. Little could Katy know that Alison was also suffering from the extreme disappointment that Master Elf was no longer in the running to rescue Lena from Ian. Katy could see, however, that Matthew was looking at her in a weird fashion.

  ‘But you just got engaged?’ he said in wonder to Katy.

  ‘Who cares about that!’ said Alison to Matthew. ‘That is not the issue here.’

  ‘He wasn’t supposed to ask me,’ said Katy. ‘I had to stand in for his real girlfriend because well… because she was too drunk.’

  Alison looked incredulously at Katy, then at Ben. Then she shook her head.

  ‘I really don’t need to know the details,’ she said.

  ‘So you two are still together?’ asked Matthew. He had to ask.

  ‘Yes,’ said Ben, feeling the need to reach down and grab Katy’s hand. ‘Of course we are. It was all just a big screw up, what you saw. Katy and I are actually married now.’

  ‘Oh, congratulations,’ said Alison sarcastically. ‘I’m so happy for you, and in the meantime you’ve been masquerading as Master Elf the whole time and never thought to say anything?’

  ‘I haven’t been masquerading as anything,’ replied Ben. ‘I’ve just been doing my job.’

  ‘He’s very good at his job,’ interrupted Lena.

  ‘I don’t care if he’s the best teacher in the universe. He’s been teaching my children and I didn’t know about it.’

  ‘But… but… why is this a problem?’ asked Lena.

  Ian stood beside her and laughed. He’d sussed out the problem by now and had a huge grin on his face.

  ‘Lena,’ he said, taking her hand gently. ‘Let me take you outside to look at the Christmas tree. It’s the biggest in Yorkshire, I’ve been told.’

  ‘Is it really?’ gasped Lena, allowing herself to be led away. Ian glanced over his shoulder and gave Alison a wink and a thumbs up.

  ‘Oh no!’ groaned Alison. ‘Now look what you let happen,’ she told Ben. ‘Why did you have to be Master Elf?’

  ‘What was I supposed to do?’ he cried. ‘Refuse to teach George and Rebecca because every time we all get tangled up in each other’s lives it ends in tears?’

  ‘You could at least have alerted us,’ said Matthew.

  Ben shrugged. ‘And say what? I’m doing your kids’ Nativity. Sorry about that.’

  Alison gasped. ‘You’re doing the Nativity!’ She put her head in her hands. ‘What have we done?’ she wailed to Matthew.

  ‘You were the one who wanted to pull them out of the other school,’ he said.

  ‘I know,’ whined Alison. ‘But I couldn’t bear the thought of them being donkeys in the Nativity.’

  ‘You pulled them out of school because they were going to be donkeys?’ asked Katy.

  Alison nodded. ‘Yes, the school refused to treat them as individuals. You can’t victimise them for being twins by casting them both as donkeys.’

  ‘I’m so sorry to interrupt,’ said a woman, tapping Katy on the shoulder. ‘Just wanted to say congratulations on your engagement. You must be over the moon. Seeing your man do that has made my Christmas.’

  Katy grimaced. ‘Thank you, it’s really made mine as well.’

  ‘Did you have any idea he was going to do it?’ she pressed on.

  ‘No,’ said Katy. ‘No idea at all.’

  ‘Just amazing! I bet you can’t wait for the wedding if he pulls off that kind of stunt just for the proposal?’

  ‘That’s right,’ said Katy. ‘Should be amazing.’

  ‘Well, all the best then. Er could I just get a selfie? With him too, if that’s all right,’ she said, looking round to see where Braindead was while reaching inside her bag for her phone.

  ‘No, er, no, if you don’t mind. That’s not really my thing. I’d really rather you didn’t,’ said Katy, backing away rapidly.

  ‘Oh, OK, suit yourself,’ said the lady huffily. She turned and walked off in a strop.

  ‘Why is your life always so complicated?’ Alison asked Katy.

  ‘No, it isn’t.’

  Alison shrugged. ‘Whenever we meet it always seems to be shrouded in confusion and deception somehow.’

  Katy looked over at Matthew, who had gone very pale.

  ‘I thought we were talking about the Nativity,’ said Ben, stepping in to deflect the wisp of cold air that had whistled through the atmosphere.

  ‘Yes, we were,’ said Matthew, also keen to deflect any attention. ‘Look, we can’t do anything about George and Rebecca’s preschool now. At least Ben has cast them as Joseph and Mary. That’s something, isn’t it?’

  ‘Along with all the other kids,’ said Ben.

  ‘What!’ said Matthew, turning to look sharply at Ben. He was trying to salvage the situation here.

  ‘All the boys wanted to be Joseph and all the girls wanted to be Mary so I came to the obvious conclusion: to let them all be Joseph and Mary. It is Christmas after all.’

  ‘You did what?’ exclaimed Alison.

  ‘Cast them all as Mary and Joseph. We have thirteen Marys and ten Josephs.’

  ‘I think I need to sit down,’ said Alison.

  ‘Are you OK?’ asked Matthew, panicking. ‘Don’t stress yourself. It’s OK, just sit down and breathe.’

  Alison took the seat that Matthew placed behind her and he gripped her hand.

  ‘It’s OK,’ he said. ‘It’s only the Nativity.’

  She was breathing heavily now. A flush had spread over her face.

  ‘Are you OK?’ asked Ben, kneeling down, a look of concern on his face.

  ‘One of thirteen Marys!’ she breathed. ‘That’s worse than being cast as a donkey alongside your twin brother.’

  ‘I think I’d better take you home,’ said Matthew, pushing Ben out of the way. ‘You’re just getting yourself into a state. This is no place for a pregnant woman.’

  ‘But what about Lena?’ she gasped. ‘And Mary and Joseph, and oh no…’

  ‘Lena can look after herself,’ said Matthew, pulling Alison up out of her chair. ‘She’s a grown woman, she’s not your daughter. You’ve got to let her work it out.’

  ‘But Ian could ruin her Christmas!’ she muttered, shaking her head. ‘I was relying on you, Master Elf,’ she said to Ben as Matthew led her gently away.

  ‘What’s she talking about?’ asked Ben.

  ‘Let it go,’ said Matthew to Alison.

  ‘You were supposed to make Lena’s Christmas, not ruin my children’s Nativity!’ she said, stabbing Ben in the chest with a finger.

  ‘Come on, Alison,’ said Matthew. ‘This is neither the time nor the place. You need to go home and lie down.’

  ‘I will see you at the Nativity,’ said Alison grimly, glaring at Katy and Ben before she allowed herself to be led away.

  ‘What the hell was all that about?�
� said Ben as they watched them walk off out of the room.

  ‘I have no idea. What did she mean about Lena?’

  ‘I haven’t a clue. This has been the weirdest Christmas party ever, like ever in the history of man. Please can we get out of here?’

  They weaved their way through the tables while people shouted their congratulations at Katy as she smiled inanely back. At last they were out in the main foyer again. They were just about to head over to the cloakroom to collect Katy’s coat when Ben stopped in his tracks.

  ‘What’s wrong?’ asked Katy.

  Ben didn’t say anything for a moment, just bit his lip.

  ‘Are you OK?’

  ‘Let’s not go out,’ he said eventually.

  ‘Why not? Come on, it’ll be fun. We haven’t been out as just the two of us in Leeds for ages. And it’ll be all Christmassy. Come on.’

  ‘Let’s go home,’ he said. ‘And…’ He looked down at his feet. Then he looked up again. Katy’s heart contracted. She knew exactly what he was going to say.

  ‘…and make a baby.’

  He smiled at her, and she tried to smile back but a million thoughts whooshed into her head – so much so she felt dizzy. She didn’t know if she wanted a baby. She might want to live in Australia. Neither of these things could she talk to Ben about right now. She looked back at him. She could tell that with every bone in his body, all he wanted to do right at this minute was to go home and extend the family. His certainty was equal and opposite to her uncertainty, and it looked like at that precise moment there was no option but to collide those two thoughts.

  She swallowed.

  ‘But I’d really like to go out,’ she whimpered.

  ‘I’d really like to go home and make a baby.’

  She looked at the floor.

  ‘Is there any way we can just wait until after I’ve been on this trip?’

  ‘Why? What’s your trip got to do with our family?’