Tales of the Crazy

by Charles L Cole

  I even deactivated my Facebook account for a while, after seeing many friends bragging about how wonderful their wives and families were. It cut to my core, and I didn’t want to see any of this. I pretty much kept to myself during this time. Christmas and other holidays were especially tough. I didn’t want to hear about families gathering together when I don’t have a family of my own. I have my dad and sister, but that’s not the same as having my own wife and children.

  Nineteen

  Tips for Single Men and Women Run Away from the Crazy

  Throughout this ordeal, many people asked if I had noticed any signs of Jess’s self-destructive behavior when we were dating or early in our marriage.

  The reality is that when a man is deeply in love with a woman, this love blinds him to much that others see in her, especially what other women see in her. Women have same problem with men. I’ve seen female friends of mine dating a guy, and I can tell right away he’s an ass. But she doesn’t see it due to the infatuation. The dreaded love fog hides the reality of the other person’s true nature.

  I had this with Jess. Looking back now, it’s hard to believe I didn’t see warning signs and how bad she was in many areas, but my deep love for her blinded me to it. My sister commented that she never trusted Jess from the beginning. To my sister, something about Jess seemed off, and Jess tried too hard to make people like her. The affection she showered on others seemed shallow and fake to my sister. Other women said the same thing about not trusting Jess. The problem was that they said this to me only after I filed for divorce.

  Jess was an exceptionally beautiful woman. In Jess’s case, her beauty was a curse. She did not have the emotional strength or character to handle it. I’ve met other extremely beautiful women with issues similar to Jess’s. Having great physical beauty as a child and into the rest of one’s life can be a blessing or a curse.

  Very beautiful people, both men and women, are always given more attention. It’s not fair to others, but that’s just how it is. Women get more attention due to their beauty from both men and women. However, attractive men don’t typically get more attention from other men. Women like Jess get used to this extra attention; things are given to them, and they receive many other benefits in life simply due to physical beauty and not their character. With the continuous attention they receive starting as children, they begin to expect it, crave it, and develop a deep desire to be showered with praise throughout their lives.

  Jess went out of her way to be syrupy sweet to fulfill this craving for praise. She was showering praise on others with the expectation that she would get it back from everyone. It was an unconscious pattern she had, and she didn’t even realize what she was doing. Many times she made people very uncomfortable with this over-the-top behavior. When I met her, I simply thought she was one of the nicest people I had met, but I didn’t realize what was really going on.

  Women sure saw it though. Close female friends of mine saw it, but they didn’t say a word to me. I wish they had, but I’m not sure I would have believed them. From now on, I plan on asking my closest friends, both male and female, for a completely honest opinion about a woman I’m interested in—even if I may not like their answer.

  Early on, Jess showered me with this praise, and I gave it back to her. In the beginning of our marriage, it was simply amazing how much we gave to each other. When Jess showered this praise on others but didn’t receive it back, she was deeply hurt and felt people didn’t like her. She put herself into a depression many times, thinking something was wrong with her for not being praised. Her character was not strong enough for her to stand on her own and not care what others thought.

  My thoughts now concerning exceptionally beautiful women like Jess will surely get under their skin and make them think, Not me. I’ve noticed that many beautiful women without strong characters have more issues than average-looking women. Average-looking women don’t get showered with praise for shallow physical traits and don’t typically develop this unhealthy extreme need for attention, praise, and acceptance.

  When I see a beautiful woman now, I can’t help but wonder if she has issues. I’m sure this mind-set is due to the horrific experience I went through, and it may subside in time. I’m overly cautious and suspicious for now.

  I failed to look at Jess with a very critical eye that wondered about what would happen in the future. You must spend a lot of time dating a person before thinking about marrying him or her—a year minimum. This is to see that person in many different situations and gauge the way the person handles himself or herself emotionally. You have to see the person mad, upset, and unhappy, along with a whole host of other emotions. It’s critical to see how the person handles and recovers from the curveballs of life and whether he or she can forgive and move on without holding a grudge due to pride.

  From now on, I’ll closely examine a woman to see if she exhibits any signs of mental instability or patterns of self-destructive behavior and to see if she can truly forgive others. I won’t even consider getting involved with a woman if she is taking Vicodin, Prozac, Adderall, or other similar drugs. If a woman has ongoing depression issues, that’s a deal breaker. Been there, done that—never again. I’ve even joked with friends that I need to train Diva to sniff out Prozac and narcotics. I’ll also see if ongoing mental issues run in the woman’s family. If her mother has them, there’s a chance the daughter will, too. Jess’s mother had many control and pride issues similar to Jess’s. This overly cautious attitude of mine probably seems extreme, and it may subside in time when I heal from all this emotional turmoil.

  One of the great frustrations I had in dealing with Jess’s issues was watching her incredibly self-destructive behaviors. Her stubbornness prevented her from following through with doctors’ treatment plans. Trying to deal with an adult acting this way is very different from dealing with a child who acts up. When a child acts up, you tell the child what is right, and if he or she doesn’t straighten out, the child is punished.

  This can’t be done with an independent adult. You can’t send adults to their room, take their privileges away, or ground them when they habitually lie and refuse to do the right thing. I believe part of Jess knew what she had to do, but her own incredible stubbornness, pride, and refusal to change her ways created all her problems. Jess didn’t want to change; she wanted the world changed to accommodate her lifestyle, and her self-destructive problems only ramped up. She was her own worst enemy.

  If you see a person with serious unresolved issues that have gone on for a long time, run away—don’t even consider getting into a romantic relationship. That person has not taken and will not take the steps required to get his or her life in order. If the person is older, those issues are firmly ingrained, and you have to accept that the issues will not go away. You will not be able to do anything about it or fix the person. There is a very small chance that the person will turn over a new leaf and get his or her life straightened out, but the severe financial, emotional, and legal harm the person can bring upon your family is not worth the slim chance that he or she will change. I really hoped Jess would straighten out, but she didn’t. I have heard many other horror stories from people who also had to deal with a spouse with many unresolved issues.

  Jess’s depression issues added to the problems we had. The love guilt she tried on me was a common theme. I could never do enough to prove my love for her. No matter what I did, in her mind, I didn’t outwardly show her enough that I wanted to be with her. This morphed into jealousy, and Jess had a hard time if I interacted with other women at work or social gatherings. This lack of love she accused me of expanded into her trying to control me. If I wanted to try a new hobby or activity, she interpreted this as a way for me to keep away from her. I tried to get her involved in new activities, but because she was so unhappy, all she wanted to do was to sit around the house. I refused to follow her path in life, so she lashed out at me, saying I didn’t love her enough to stay with her and be happy at home.


  Jess began to view my family as a threat and tried to keep me isolated from them. She did not want to go to family traditions, such as Thanksgiving or Christmas, and then she tried to put a guilt trip on me for abandoning her if I left to be with the family. She justified not wanting to go to family functions by claiming someone had insulted or didn’t like her. She claimed I didn’t love her if I left to be with my family.

  With me being one of the few positive influences in her life, the times we had marital problems sent her into a deep tailspin, spiraling further into sadness and depression. Her reaction was to lash out at me and accuse me of causing all her problems. I spoke to others who have dealt with spouses or girlfriends with depression issues, and their stories are very similar to mine. People with depression issues must make a conscious choice to confront their depression and change how they live their lives to get better. Jess would not confront her issues, because her victim mentality led her to blame others for her problems.

  One of the ripple effects this situation with Jess had was a negative effect on my career. Dealing with her issues really took me down at times, and I was not as productive as I should have been. To make matters worse, Jess became friends with the wife of one of our directors at work. She was Thai, like Jess. Jess and I were at their home several times socializing, but as Jess’s behavior became more erratic, the director’s wife wanted nothing more to do with her. She called Jess crazy.

  When I tried to salvage our marriage and help Jess get her issues resolved, I was viewed as weak and indecisive for not stopping her and not taking charge of the situation. The thing is, I couldn’t do anything short of divorcing Jess. I was dealing with a grown adult who made all her own decisions, and Jess did what she pleased. She was unstoppable. Jess continued to cause all these problems, destroy friendships, and hurt my career until I had no choice but to get her out of my life before she destroyed it. When I’d had enough and told her to shut the hell up about wanting to sue my sister, I was thrown in jail on bogus charges.

  Run away from the crazy. Trust me on this.

  Twenty

  What Attracts Us to the Opposite Sex

  During all the time with Jess, I learned an incredible amount about social dynamics between the sexes. Men and women both do equally stupid things when dating a person who is wrong for them. Both sexes are led astray by primal, sexual attractions to the types who seem to always cause harm. We have almost all seen a friend constantly hooking up with the wrong type over and over again, and the friend doesn’t learn. With men it can be the hot but overly dramatic, needy woman. It’s incredible how a woman’s beauty can warp a man’s mind and have him completely disregard all her destructive personality traits. With women, it’s the bad boy who brings drama and problems into her life. I’ve known a couple of highly intelligent, caring women who habitually went out with assholes. Years ago, when I was single, a couple of my male friends knew one woman in particular who dated jerks, and we just shook our heads in amazement, wondering why. This woman and her consistent bad choices made her undatable to us all.

  She did this due to primal reasons. She saw a very sexually desirable masculinity, just as a man sees extreme beauty or femininity that is sexually desirable. Both men and women allow their primal desires to be the first priority, not considering the depth of the other’s character.

  Years ago I was in a discussion about sexuality and being a Christian. Leo was leading this discussion before he went to seminary. He made a very profound statement that has proved itself over and over again to be true: “Having sex with someone outside of marriage can create a bond that is not meant to be.” I’ve seen this happen many times with people, and it is applicable to everyone. If the man or woman dating an idiot kept his or her pants on and strived to learn about the other’s true nature and the couple’s compatibility, the man or woman probably would not fall in love and fall into problems.

  Dating should not be about getting sex. It should be about finding that person you are compatible with, and it takes getting to know many people, especially when you are young. There is another aspect about dating that is extremely important. Along with finding someone you are compatible with, casually dating many people will also give you an idea of what habits or types of people get on your nerves. It’s a process of discovering your own personality traits and learning the traits you can and can’t accept in another person. Some may view your personality quirks as cute, but you must be able to discern if these quirks will eventually grate on their nerves also.

  What I write next may be very controversial for some, and I’m sure many women will strongly disagree.

  While helping my wife in her bridal shop, I noticed certain behaviors of women I wished I had known as a younger man. In my teens and twenties, I’d always had problems with women. I had a very inactive and frustrating dating life, due to my being in the perpetual nice-guy trap.

  I saw in Jess’s shop that young women, especially teenage girls, are very conscious of where they are in their social circle of other women. In most of their circles, there are the pretty popular ones at the top and the ones who hang around them because association with the top ones elevates their own popularity. Even within the below-average-looking social grouping, there is one woman at the top of the pecking order. All these women want to break into the higher social circles of popularity. There are exceptions to this, but it’s rare.

  For a guy to be datable and effective with one of these women, he must present himself as a partner who will elevate her status in the social circles. The coolness factor brought by wealth and power is way up there. This is why many physically beautiful women end up with socially popular but physically unattractive men. Rock stars and business titans are great examples of this.

  Because most men don’t have this extreme wealth and power, they must devise ways to present themselves as popular, fun people women will be glad to show off to their friends. The insecure male or typical nice guy will not be effective with women. Even though the guy could be the best thing for her and treat her like a queen, a woman will view him as wishy-washy and ignore or eventually dump him. This type of guy does absolutely nothing for her social status.

  What I noticed in the store is that women do not primarily dress up and put on makeup to look good for men. Sure, they want to look desirable to males, but it is not the driving factor. Women dress up to look fashionable, get the praise of other women, and move higher in their social pecking order. The more popular the designer label and the higher the price tag, the better. The dress could look worse than a lesser label, but that matters little. Many Hollywood female celebrities prance down the red carpet in horrendous looking outfits. They believe it when the popular designer tells them a certain dress would make them look fantastic. In reality, it makes the woman in question look silly, except to other women who want to wear this latest fashion. To be fair, this is only my opinion.

  I saw many mothers come into the store to get their daughters extremely revealing prom dresses. It was shocking that a mother would put her sixteen-year-old daughter in a dress that exposed as much skin as possible. The mother was not dressing her daughter to look good to the boys; she was dressing her to look better and more womanly than the other mothers’ daughters. A pretty and popular daughter also elevates the mother’s social status. Unfortunately the mother is too caught up in improving the daughter’s social popularity by making her look like a sexy woman without realizing that in reality she is making her daughter look like a tramp.

  On multiple occasions, I witnessed mothers telling their daughters they would not show the chosen dresses to the girls’ dads. Sometimes they bought another modest dress for the father’s approval, while hiding the real dress the daughter would wear. In their quest to improve their and their daughters’ social status and make the girls look womanly, these insecure adult women resorted to lying to their husbands. This was very disturbing and unacceptable behavior to me as a husband.

  Another revelation I had wh
en watching the guys’ tuxedos being selected is that young and insecure women view a man and his clothes as only an accessory to make them more fashionable and popular to other women. Many of the girls were selecting the style and color of the tuxedos solely to match their dresses. The guys were clueless about what was really going on. They thought the girls were helping to make them look better.

  If you are looking for a fulfilling long-term relationship, run away from these types of insecure, self-centered women (or men) with this I-want-to-be-popular mentality. Some grow out of it. But some will never change, and they will make you miserable in the long run. Jess had this wanting-to-be-popular mentality.

  A good woman who is secure in her own self-worth does not want a silly boy overly concerned about fashion trends. She wants a secure man; however, don’t get in the trap of wearing extremely stupid clothing. No woman wants that. If you are a guy, ditch the pants-hanging-off-the-ass look, trendy tattoos, or over-the-top fashion. All men must realize that women do not view your clothes the way you do. If a man is wearing a Star Wars or Dungeons and Dragons costume as his social media profile picture, he is doomed. If you are friends with a woman, ask her to go shopping with you. You are probably clueless as to what women think looks good on you, because you are looking at it from a skewed male perspective. Don’t fight her when she wants to put you in something that you think looks kind of weird; however, there is a line that no self-respecting male should cross.

  I had a pink shirt that Jess really wanted me to wear when we were out together, but I didn’t like the way it looked. Women always complimented me on how it looked, far more when I was with Jess than when I wore it by myself. It was amazing how Jess beamed when other women complimented my clothing. It was another huge ego boost to her when I told others that she had got the shirt for me and knew how to match my clothing to complement hers. This was not a reflection on my fashion sense; it was a reflection on Jess’s status with other women.