Book Read Free

Death by Toilet Paper

Page 17

by Donna Gephart


  There’s still some white paper stuck to the door when I’m done, but we’ll get it off later.

  Then Mom and I help Zeyde out of the toilet paper wedding dress and hang it on Dad’s punching dummy. While Mom removes the makeup from Zeyde’s head and jaw with Vaseline, I do something important.

  I find a tube of glue and drag a chair into my room.

  There are a couple dozen plastic stars I have to put back up in their galaxy.

  THE LAST LETTER …

  GLOSSARY OF YIDDISH WORDS

  boychik young boy

  bubbe grandmother

  bubeleh darling (​usu​ally used to address children​)

  farkakt crappy

  latke potato pancake, traditionally served at Chanukah

  Mazel tov! Congratulations!

  mensch honorable, decent person

  meshugge crazy

  Nu? Well? … So? … What’s going on?

  Oy vey! Woe is me!

  plotz faint

  shivah Jewish mourning period of seven days, observed by family and friends of the deceased

  shmendrik nincompoop

  shnoz nose

  tsimmes dish of mixed fruit and/or vegetables

  tuchis rear end, buttocks

  zeyde grandfather

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  It took a long time to write this book, so there are a lot of people to acknowledge. If you want to read a book with a shorter acknowledgments page, check out Olivia Bean, Trivia Queen. I wrote that book in twenty-nine days, and it doesn’t have an acknowledgments page.

  This book would not exist without the patient guidance from my stellar agent, Tina Wexler from ICM Partners, who took the time to help me develop not only this book, but all my published books. Vanessa, David, Olivia and now Benjamin exist because of her many talents and unwavering belief in me and my work. Thank you, Tina, for your support and behind-the-scenes help, time and again.

  Sincere thanks to my editor, Michelle Poploff, who shared my enthusiasm for Benjamin Epstein’s zany story and helped me tell it in the best way possible. Thanks for waiting until the story was ready, asking all the right questions and trusting that I’d come up with the answers.

  Thanks to Lisa McClatchy for booking my school visits and offering wise counsel. And to her daughter, Eirann, for rocking my socks with her creative writing during a workshop at the Thurber House.

  Paul Grecian shared a story that was the catalyst for this book, even though it appears nowhere in these pages. Because sometimes telling a good fictional story means letting go of the real story that inspired it. Thanks, Paul.

  Nicole, I told you I’d put the Mütter Museum in my next book. Thank you for taking me there when I visited Philly. And thank you for being such a light in our lives.

  For my brothers-in-law, Jay, Denny and Mike, for sharing their real-life careers with the characters in this book. With special appreciation to Mike Gephart for sending extensive information about the requirements to become a CPA in PA.

  Hugs to my sister Sherry, who has good taste in all things—especially the amazing men in her life, Ben and Ethan.

  My dad, an eternal optimist and avid reader, has been an ardent supporter. Thanks, Dad.

  To my nephew Kyle, who makes sure I call a WaWa hoagie a hoagie. Thanks, buddy, for keeping me well grounded in my Philly roots.

  My writing friends are family to me. They appear in some way on each of these pages … and on the pages of my heart. Love to Sylvia, Linda, Dan, Janeen, Stacie, Shutta, Diane, Gail, Laura, Ruth, Amanda, Becca, Ann, Maryann, Amy, Carole and Peter. And a special bouquet of gratitude (and cupcakes) to Jill Nadler—aka Riley Roam of pageturner​adventures.​com—for checking in with me as we kept each other accountable while writing our books. Every. Single. Day.

  To Jeanne, for sharing her friendship with me since we were fourteen. And for sharing her last name for this book. Steve, Jeanne, Cara, Elyssa and Jared—you Epsteins rock!

  With much love to my Florida friends for keeping me connected to the “real” world with encouraging messages, long walks, kayak excursions, tea breaks, yoga classes, bike rides, embarrassing games of tennis and lots of laughter. Love you, Carilynn, Holly, Nancy, Pam, Elysa, Sharon, Sandra, Deborah, Micah, Jen, Kim, Carol, Liz, Marsha, Wendy and Cousin Jo.

  Even though they can’t read this, I appreciate my loyal canine companions—Teddy and Benji—for providing company while I worked and a great excuse for breaks from the computer to go on walks together. They also protected me from dangers, such as the UPS man delivering a package, the trash truck rumbling down the street and that ferocious bunny in our front yard. (Sadly, our window blinds will never be the same.)

  Sending library love to local media specialists and librarians who supported me from the start: Lisa Petroccia, Carol Groceman, Debbie Remington, Helen Zientek, Sue Sloan, Amanda Bosky, Cookie Davis and Jennifer Salas. Thanks to all media specialists and librarians for making books and reading accessible and FUN.

  For the unique opportunity to spend a month in James Thurber’s boyhood home in Columbus, Ohio, writing and leading writing workshops for young people, a huge thank you to the wonderful folks at the Thurber House. And especially to Pat Shannon for taking me to some very cool places and to Meg Brown for being an awesome friend during thunderstorms, Kroger trips, a stop for sushi, late-night visits to Jeni’s Ice Cream and much more. The residency lasted a month, but the memories will last a lifetime (unless I get a sharp blow to the head).

  To my sons, Andrew and Jake, for putting up with me. It’s not easy living with a writer who lives with a whole other family in her head much of the time. And then tells you to clean your room and turn down the music the rest of the time. Seriously, you two have enriched my life in ways I can’t measure. You lovely young men are, without a doubt, my most important creative contribution to this planet.

  To my endlessly interesting, always open-minded, big-hearted best friend, my husband—Dan the Man. I love our adventures together. I love YOU!

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  DONNA GEPHART spent much of her childhood at the Northeast Regional Library in Philadelphia, reading books such as Mr. Popper’s Penguins; Ben and Me: An Astonishing Life of Benjamin Franklin by His Good Mouse Amos; and The Hundred Dresses. She lives in South Florida with her family, where she writes, kayaks, bikes, explores parks and beaches, and visits bookstores and libraries.

  Donna’s other novels are Olivia Bean, Trivia Queen; How to Survive Middle School; and As If Being 12¾ Isn’t Bad Enough, My Mother Is Running for President!, which won the prestigious Sid Fleischman Humor Award.

  Learn more at donnagephart.com.

 

 

 


‹ Prev