Breathing heavy, she said, “You’re crushing me.”
“Sorry.” I pulled back. Removing the condom, I pulled my jeans back on and found a trash can to get rid of the evidence.
As she found her clothing and boots and put them back on, I said, “That was different. Can’t say I’d ever done it against a weeping willow before.”
“It was fucking hot,” she said, kissing me.
“Hell yes, it was. Kind of makes me want to fuck you against different trees.”
“The Mount Auburn Cemetery isn’t far from here. They have dozens of trees from all over the world.”
“Don’t tease,” I said. “I’m already turned-on by the idea as it is.”
After readjusting our clothing, we walked in silence to the car, catching each other’s eyes occasionally as if communicating, Can you believe we just did that?
When drove back to the North Shore, I asked if she’d like to come back to my place.
“Haven’t had enough of me yet?”
“Hell no. I’m just getting started with you.”
“Aren’t you going to New York in the morning?”
“Yeah. No big deal. I’d like to start off the day waking up with you though.”
“Good.” She smiled and held up her purse. “Because I brought my toothbrush and a change of underwear.”
We didn’t get to sleep until the early hours of the morning since we took our time exploring each other. Finally we collapsed and went to sleep. She fell asleep first, wrapped in my arms. Before I followed her into sleep, a melancholy mood took hold. Because even though I had this wonderful woman in my arms, I knew deep down that I didn’t have her at all.
Lily
Through the early haze of waking, I thought of the wonderful night with Nico. Magical. The more I spent time with him, the more I wanted to be around him. His kindness, consideration, intelligence and hot-as-hell looks convinced me he was the perfect partner for me. He had me thinking about him all the time.
That was the problem. I was in too deep and I suspected he was as well. So much for being just lovers. No matter what I said about boundaries, it didn’t quell these feelings. I watched Nico sleep, imprinting his face and body in my mind. Knowing what I had to do, this would be the last time I would see him like this.
I whispered “goodbye” and kissed him lightly on the cheek.
My kiss must have stirred him. He opened his eyes and focused on me.
“Now that’s a vision I’d love to wake up to,” he said, not making what I was about to do any easier.
I wanted to tell him everything. Tell him what I was and hope he would accept it. Then the little nagging voice of reason poked its ugly head into my psyche, reminding me that it was unrealistic to think that a human could accept a mate who wasn’t like they were.
Although every nerve in my body revolted at what I was about to do, I still had to do it.
“Nico, can we talk?” I sat up in his bed, pulling the sheet up over me.
“Uh-oh,” he said, propping himself higher on the pillow. “I can tell by your tone that this can’t be good.”
I paused before I spoke the words I’d rehearsed. “Even though last night was wonderful. The whole evening was wonderful, in fact. But this is something I can’t do.” I motioned between him and me, hoping he would understand.
“I thought you just wanted to be lovers. I can accept that.”
“Nico.” I looked straight into his eyes. “I’ve had lovers in the past and I’m sure you have too. Whatever is going on between us goes beyond what I’ve experienced before.”
“So why not let it develop and see where it goes?” He moved closer to me on the bed and draped an arm over me.
“Because it could never work,” I said, wiggling out of his hold.
“Why not?” He shook his head and squinted his eyes. “I don’t get it. Do you have some deep dark secret?”
I tried not to wince, but he caught the slight movement. “You do. So what is it? You’re married? Or you’re moving to Belarus? Or something like that?”
“No. Nothing like that. I like you. A lot. But I didn’t mean for it to develop into a relationship. I’m just not the right person for something like that.”
“That’s funny. Because every time I’m with you, you seem exactly like the right person for something like that. Someone for me.” He climbed out of bed and put his pants on. “I should have known something like this was coming. You’re right; you were straight with me about that from the beginning. But you haven’t been straight about why.”
Please don’t ask. Please don’t ask. You deserve better. Someone normal who could be your wife. Who could give you normal human babies. Don’t make me explain.
“So what is it? You’re too focused on your career? Is that it? You don’t have time for a relationship because you’re too busy?”
“No, it’s not that either.” Then I thought he handed me my out. “Okay, yes, that’s it. You’re right. You know how I got that promotion. I’m busting my ass at work with all the new responsibilities. I just don’t have time to work on developing something else new outside the office.”
“Perhaps I haven’t known you that long, Lily, but I know you well enough to see that you’re trying to pull the wool over my eyes. You’re bullshitting me. Even if you weren’t, you shouldn’t look at a relationship as more work. I looked forward to spending time with you last night as a reward after a long week.”
Why was he making this so hard? Crap, I was melting. I should tell him the truth. That I couldn’t be with him for a very different reason. One that he probably could never understand.
What the fuck do I do? What should I say?
“I’m sorry, but I just can’t do this.”
“So you’re not going to have the decency to even tell me why?”
I opened my mouth to say something, but nothing came out.
He stood by the bed waiting for my reply.
“I don’t know what to say,” I finally said.
Apparently that wasn’t the right thing to say. Because he gave me a withering stare, those deep hazel eyes now burned with intensity as if trying to control emotions smoldering beneath the facade of his cool gaze.
“You know the worst thing about this situation? A woman who I thought was strong and confident as well as intelligent and beautiful—isn’t so tough after all. You don’t even have the courage or the class to tell me why you’re doing this!”
“I can’t, Nico. Dammit! Why are you making this harder? Don’t you think I would be with you if I could?” I was still naked in bed covered only by a sheet. Otherwise I would have climbed out to stand in front of him face-to-face. “Some things aren’t so easy to explain. The world isn’t black and white and there’s a shitload of gray fucking things up!”
“Why can’t you trust me enough to tell me? I’m not judgmental. Why are you so afraid of what I might think?”
“How can I trust you? I barely even know you.”
His hazel eyes bored into me now. “Some people are together for years, sometimes decades, even though they’re not right for each other. Other people connect right away. Some sort of intuition that it’s right. Who knows why. I thought there was that something between us. But perhaps I was wrong.”
Every fiber of my being shouted at me to reconsider, agonizing over the thought of leaving him. “I wish I could explain, Nico. Trust me, I do. But you’d never understand.”
He muttered something under his breath that sounded like rubbish. Then he exhaled slowly and ran a hand over his close-cut hair. “Don’t bother. I’m taking a shower. I’ll give you a lift home unless you want to take a taxi.” He climbed out of bed and my eyes traced over every fiber of defined muscle under the smooth surface of his olive skin.
“Nico.” I climbed out of bed, dragging the sheet over me. “Don’t go yet.”
Within two steps, I was in front of him, caressing his smooth face. I dropped the sheet and looked into his eyes, imp
loring him to understand. His eyes now flashed with both the intensity of his anger and a sheen of lust. Without knowing who moved first, our lips clashed in a violent kiss and I tried to push away the pain and distance between us. Within moments, we were back in his bed.
“Love me one last time,” I whispered. “Please.”
I reached for his erection and glided my hands up and down, encouraging him to grow to his full size. His face contorted as if at war with his emotions. Then I heard a groan rumble from deep within him.
“Yes, Lily. You don’t know what you do to me.” He pulled away to put on a condom. “What is it about you I can’t resist?”
“Don’t resist now. You’d kill me.” I helped guide him into my wet core.
“Is this what you want?” he asked as he probed with the head of his cock and then plunged deep into me, filling me almost to the point of pain. His eyes flashed with an intensity again, reflecting his pain and passion. “You only want my cock, right? Just like every other woman who comes to our shows.” He fucked me with such pain and passion that my head hit the headboard. “You just want me to fuck you?”
I tightened my legs to stop him and grasped his head in my hands so we could see eye to eye.
“Don’t say that. You know that’s not true. You know I care about you, don’t you?”
“How would I?” he said, his eyes showing more sadness than anger now “You’ve never showed it.”
“So much, Nico, which is why this hurts so badly. I’m sorry I’m such a cold bitch.”
The pain reflected in his eyes abated before he leaned down to kiss me gently. I fought back the tears for so many reasons. How I’d miss his gentle touch.
“You’re not like that at all. Just guarded. You need to be in this world. Otherwise you get hurt.”
I wasn’t sure if he was talking about him or me.
When we flipped over and I straddled him on top, I pushed the regret and sadness away and loved him with the furious passion and total lack of inhibition of knowing this was the last time. I clawed his shoulders, raking his chest as I sought for something out of reach—something missing in my life. My soft moans had intensified much louder as he grabbed my hips and pummeled into me, spiraling me higher and closer toward my peak. I pushed out any thoughts and focused on the pressure rising from deep within, building steadily to a point that I thought I would die if I didn’t reach it soon. The desire built more and more until I shattered from the inside out, coming more violently and with a greater intensity than I’d ever experienced.
In the seconds that followed, the world seemed to come back together as I recovered while lying on top of him. Then I moved against him and felt the familiar tingle deep within. My body moved of its own accord, although I thought I would never recover from the last orgasm, and he encouraged me to keep going by grasping my hips and moving with me from below. The faraway tingling came back and grew to an uncontrollable driving need more quickly and intensely this time so that I came again almost instantly. And again and again—my body never wanted this magic to end.
When Nico thrust deeply into me, he grabbed my hips so tightly I thought he’d leave finger marks. Then he released all his frustration and anguish into me. After I collapsed on top of him, we lay silent as we caught our breath.
Then he said, “You’re a bloody fool to throw this away.”
He rolled me off him and walked into the bathroom. After he closed the door, I whispered, “I know.”
Chapter Seven
Nico
I wasn’t surprised to return to my bedroom only to find a note reading she was sorry. The optimist in me had hoped she’d change her mind and would be there to tell me what was going on. Touching the note, tangible evidence of that not happening, triggered endless questions as I got dressed.
What was her deep dark secret that made her think we couldn’t be together? In the shower, I had thought of all kinds of possibilities. She said she wasn’t married or moving far away. What else could it be? Did she have some type of drug problem? No, I didn’t think that was it. I’d been touring with the band in enough dive clubs to know the visible signs and I didn’t see anything at the outset with Lily.
While I threw together a couple of outfits for the show tonight into my bag, I thought about another possible explanation—kids. Did she have kids and she was afraid to tell me? Why would that be an issue though? She could just tell me about them and if I bolted then I’d be the jerk. Or perhaps she thought a rock singer would not be a good influence on them so she wanted to keep me away. Why not just tell me that if it were the case?
Or what if she had dangerous ties, like to a mafia or gang, and she thought it would be unsafe for me to get too close to her.
Rummaging through the bathroom for some toiletries, I opened my medicine cabinet and thought of a different explanation—she had an illness, either mental or physical. Perhaps even terminal. She didn’t want to start something that would only end painfully for us both.
The worst was not knowing. I zipped up my duffel bag and grabbed my brown leather jacket, which was showing signs of its age, but I thought it gave it some character. Then I shoved my plaid hat into my bag. It reminded me of the first time I met her in that sexy plaid dress. Perhaps I should have just stayed away, taken the hint when she first blew me off. But no, I had to push it, approaching her on the dance floor.
Did I regret it? I remembered the mind-blowing sex, the way she felt in my arms, responded to my kiss. Hell no. The loss of her left a gaping hole deep inside me.
On the bus ride to New York, the guys noticed I wasn’t my usual chipper self.
John asked, “Who pissed in your Cheerios?”
Mike said, “Probably the same chick who he’s been distracted by at work.”
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said through clenched teeth.
“Touchy, eh?” John asked. “Must like this one.”
Mike said, “Mr. Hot Rock Singer who always has the girls hanging on him is now having a problem with the ladies?”
“Shut up, Mike,” I said.
“What is it about this one?” he pushed. “Let me guess. You have a thing for her but she wants nothing to do with you.”
“Why would you say that?” I asked. “Is that what I do?”
“Duh, yeah,” John said. “You always want what you can’t have.”
My thoughts didn’t have to drift far to wander back to Lily. Maybe I was being too hard on her. She told me straight out that she only wanted to be lovers. I was the one who pushed for more and then got upset when she couldn’t give it.
Enough dwelling on her actions. She was a grown woman who could make up her own mind. If she didn’t want to be with me, to hell with her. I gave her all I could.
“Fuck her,” I said, not realizing I’d said it out loud.
“That’s the old Nico. Love ’em and leave ’em.”
“Sod off,” I said. “I was never that guy.”
“Tell that to all the ladies whose hearts you’ve broken.”
“Oh please, don’t be ridiculous. Now let’s go over the set list again.”
I read through the list of songs we were playing. The club in New York was a dive bar we played at last year, which catered to hardcore and punk shows. The crowd here wouldn’t want any of our slower songs, definitely no covers like Witchcraft or #1 Crush like we played in Vamps. Not hard enough for them. This was perfectly fine with me. With anger still pulsing in my veins at Lily’s rejection and refusal to tell me the truth, the last thing I wanted to sing was some love song about pining for someone.
“Most of our shorter, harder songs,” John said.
“And Let’s Fuck All Over Paris.”
“But the faster version, not the one we usually play. The hardcore one we’ve done in practice.”
“Got it,” I said. I didn’t need any encouragement to let it all out tonight.
The crowd was what you’d call sullen. They had unimpressed expressions on their faces
even though they came to see us. Even when we played the first two songs, they kept the bored expressions. Only a few females who had clearly had a few drinks jumped around at the front of the stage, singing along with us. It wasn’t until our third song that the crowd started to get into it.
I didn’t care how the crowd responded tonight. I needed an outlet to express my frustrations and being onstage was my way to let it all out. I screamed out lyrics like a demon, bouncing all over the stage as if I’d had one too many Red Bull caffeine drinks.
Whether the crowd just needed time to warm up or my madman antics got to them, I wasn’t sure. The front of the stage was filled with men and women screaming the lyrics along with me now and waving their fists in the air. Some guys started an old-school mosh pit, which only happened on rare nights at our shows. Most clubs had rules against that these days and broke them up as soon as there was a stirring on the floor.
Although we had many punk songs that riled up the crowd, we usually mixed them up with literary rants and love songs, keeping the mood in constant flux and bringing the momentum down when the crowd’s energy grew to a feverish pitch. But not tonight. Caught up in my rants, I barely caught what was going on in front of the stage. Then I saw one guy throw his fist in another one’s face and blood spurting from his nose. After that, all hell broke loose.
What started as a fistfight between two guys quickly escalated into a full-out brawl. Fifteen to twenty guys were punching, kicking and throwing each other all over the floor. I don’t know what possessed me—being so pissed off about Lily breaking it off or what—but I did something I’d later regret. I dove right into the fight.
Several punches given and taken later, security guards broke up the fight. The club was trashed with plastic cups. Luckily there were no chairs nearby. And if the club had served bottles, the damage would have been far worse. The people involved were thrown out. I was grabbed too until Mike intervened. He said I was the singer and dove in to try to stop the fight.
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