The security guard gave him a look to let Mike know he was full of shit, but he let me go.
“What the hell got into you?” Mike asked.
“I don’t know. It just happened.”
John appeared with a towel. “You’ve got blood all over your face, dude.”
“Mine or someone else’s?”
He shrugged. I went into the men’s room to clean up. The blood didn’t appear to be mine, but my swollen face had definitely seen better days.
Lily
While Nico played in New York, I buried myself in distraction. My usual method of dealing with overwhelming emotions—avoiding them.
Nevertheless, the moment my mind veered from whatever errand I was working on, I wrestled with conflicting emotions. One part of me said I’d done what was best. That even if things were good now, the magnetic attraction between us wouldn’t last. Whatever connection he thought we might have would be severed once he knew the real me.
The other part of me said I was a coward. That my inability to trust anyone was a serious character flaw. That I was throwing away the most exhilarating relationship of my life over something that boiled down to an inner fear of rejection.
Then I went to my second method of dealing with overwhelming emotions. Work myself to the brink while exercising. I worked out like a madwoman, running until exhaustion along the waterfront. The problem with running was that it didn’t provide enough of a distraction and it reminded me of the time I ran with Nico. Why did even the simplest everyday occurrences have to remind me of him?
I went to a couple of Ally’s classes at the gym that week. After the second one, she said, “Come on, let’s go for a walk. I can tell something’s up.”
Although we’d had enough of the schizophrenic weather veering from warm and sunny one day to cold and snowy the next to remind us it was March in New England, the evening was mild. We left the gym and found some trails we sometimes walked after class to cool down and catch up.
“What’s going on with you, Lily?”
“What do you mean?”
“We may not be super close, but I know you well enough to know you’re bothered by something and trying to hide it.”
I guess I was fooling myself to think I was any good at hiding my emotions.
“A guy.”
“I should have known. Who?”
Should I tell her the whole thing? I’d told her about dancing with Nico at Vamps, but nothing since. She had no idea at how quickly and deeply I had fallen.
No. What was the point? “It doesn’t matter who. It’s over. It didn’t work out.”
“That sucks. I’m sorry. Don’t worry, you’ll find someone better.”
I pictured the butterfly pin he gave me that day at Bearskin Neck. As if I could find anyone kinder, smarter, hotter and as considerate as Nico.
He was right—I was a bloody fool.
“We’ll see,” I said.
“I know. Why don’t we go dancing at that club again? Vamps. The last time we were there, the singer of Velvet Cocks was hitting on you. Who knows what luck you’ll have this time.”
My eyes focused on some oak trees on the right and I pictured myself slamming my forehead against the trunk several times, chanting to myself, You’re an idiot. You’re a coward. You’re an idiot. You’re a coward.
Why didn’t I just tell him the truth? What’s the worst that could happen?
“Where were you just now?” Ally asked.
Focus, come back. You’re having a conversation with your friend, remember?
I took a deep breath. “Ally, the guy I was seeing was the singer.”
“Get the fuck out of here!” She stopped walking and faced me with her mouth dropped wide. “For real?”
“Yes. I’ve been dating Leggy Bones.”
Hearing how ridiculous that sounded out loud sent us both into convulsive laughter. Just a couple of silly girls talking about boys kind of fun. Stuff I wasn’t used to. Maybe confiding in someone wasn’t so bad after all.
“Okay, rewind,” Ally said, clutching her stomach. Her face was red from laughing. “Start from the beginning and tell me everything.”
Inhaling and exhaling, I said, “Let’s walk. I want to get this out as quickly as possible.” I did not want to relive the glorious rise and disastrous fall again, even though it’s what I’d been doing in my head since I left Nico’s place. “I ran into him at a bookstore one weekend and gave him my number. We went out a few times after that.”
Ally interrupted to punch me lightly in the arm. “And you didn’t tell me?”
“It all happened so quickly. I didn’t know what to tell. It’s been very confusing.”
“Why?”
“It got pretty hot and heavy real quick, but it would never work out.”
“Slow down,” Ally said. “You’re power walking. And you’re leaving out all the details of your hot story with a rock ’n‘ roll singer.”
I slowed my pace. She was right. I had turned our walk into a frenetic pace to match how quickly I wanted to get past the story. “The sex was hot as hell. The best I’ve ever had in my life. Happy now?”
“Not really, you left out all the gooey details, but go ahead. Tell me what you want to tell me.”
“I wanted to keep him at an arm’s length. You know, just be lovers. But I found out I have feelings for him. So it didn’t work out as I planned.”
“And him? Does he feel the same way?”
“He wanted me to be open to a relationship with him.”
“So what happened?”
“I ended it.”
“You what? Why?”
Here was the tricky part. The part where I had to keep my shifting ability out of it, yet not lie to my friend.
“I’m not able to be in a relationship right now.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Oh, you know. Work. I’m so busy there working crazy hours. When would I have time for someone in my life?”
“Lily, you’re letting one part of your life overwhelm all the other parts. If work is taking that much out of you that you don’t have time for a relationship with someone you obviously care about, maybe it’s not the right job for you after all.”
“But—”
“I know you like your job and you make good money, but come on now.”
“It’s just that—”
“You had a hot affair with Leggy Bones and you threw it away.” She shook her head. “You’re a crazy bitch. But I love ya.”
Talking to Ally helped. I’d never really shared my feelings with a friend before because I had so much to keep guarded. The one person I had been able to confide in through my life was my mom. Even though we only saw each other once a month, we spoke on the phone often. My talk with Ally must have put me in a confessional mood because when I spoke to my mom, I said, “Remember that guy I was telling you about?”
“Yes, dear. What is it?”
“Well, we really hit it off. I mean really hit it off. And that’s the problem.”
“Why, dear?”
“Because, you know—I can’t be in a relationship with a guy with my—uh—condition.”
Mom sighed before she spoke. “Does he know you’re a shifter?”
“No! Of course not. I can’t tell anyone that! They’d think I was a freak!”
“Lily, honey, I loved your father dearly. He was the love of my love. But one thing that hurt—really hurt—is that he never trusted me enough to tell me who he really was.”
My mother rarely spoke about their relationship so my ears perked up. “I know he never told you he was a shifter, but then how did you figure out where I got it from?
This was odd. Once I began shifting during puberty, my mother had told me that it was a genetic trait. That I got it from my father’s side of the family. She had looked for his family members to find out more about him, but it had been so many years since my father’s death and they had moved away. We tried a few times to find them but then
gave up.
“It was only after you began changing that I started to put things together. When we got engaged, he said he had to tell me something about himself. Something that we needed to discuss before we had children and it may make me change my mind. But he died before he told me. As I went through the stages of grieving, one part of me was so mad at him for keeping whatever it was away from me.”
“Oh, Mom, I’m so sorry you had to go through all that.”
“But then I found out I was pregnant with you and I was overjoyed a part of him was back with me again. It was as if it was his last gift to me, keeping our love eternal.”
“That’s so sweet. Thank you for saying that.”
“Of course, dear. When you were born, I was so happy to have you in my life and so sad that he missed out on meeting his beautiful, wonderful baby girl. While raising you, I forgot about whatever secret it was that he was going to tell me. It wasn’t until the first time you changed that it came back to me. It all began to make sense. His mysterious overnight trips. In the back of my mind, I had to wonder if there was someone else. But then I started investigating.”
“What did you do?”
“I went through his boxes in the attic and found his daily planner, which included a lunar calendar. Each time he noted a trip, it was on the same night as a full moon.”
“Oh.”
“So where do you think I’m going at with you?”
I shifted on my sofa while I compared what happened with my parents to the situation with Nico and me. I understood why my father would delay telling Mom his secret. I also saw how hurt she was that he didn’t tell her. He kept something huge from her, something she deserved to know.
“You’re telling me I should be honest with Nico?”
“Yes, exactly. I’m glad my message got through. So are you going to do it?”
“Umm, that’s another problem. I ended it.”
“Oh, Lily. Why?”
“He’s a smoking-hot, super-smart, kind, funny rock star. He could find someone normal in a heartbeat. Why would he deal with someone like me when he could have anybody?”
“Because you are a smoking-hot, super-smart, kind, funny woman. And when it’s right, it’s right. In case you haven’t noticed, I haven’t been with anyone the way I was with your father.”
“And if he did tell you he was a shifter, how would you have reacted?”
She was quiet. “I don’t know. I probably would have been shocked at first. Find it hard to believe. But it would have been better coming from him than finding out the hard way years later when my daughter was suddenly in the form of a mountain lion.”
“Would you have stayed with him?”
“Of course.”
“You say that now, but what about back then?”
“It’s impossible to say what I would have done, but I think eventually I would have come to accept it. I loved him.”
What to do? What to do? “I think it’s too late for us.”
“When it comes to love, it’s never too late.”
“Tell you what, Mom. If I’m going to take a chance and tell him, you need to start taking chances as well.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe it’s time you give someone else a shot, you know? My father’s been gone a long time. Just because you’re giving your heart to someone else doesn’t mean you’d love him any less.”
“I’m too old to start a new relationship.”
“Didn’t you just tell me, ‘When it comes to love, it’s never too late’?”
“Now you’re taking my words out of context and using them against me.”
“If the shoe fits…”
“I don’t know if I can trust someone again. It hurt so much when I lost your father.”
“And yet you’re telling me to put myself out there, Mom?”
“It’s different for me. You have your whole life ahead of you. I’m older and set in my ways.”
“I’m not saying you should go and marry the next guy you meet. I’m saying be open to a relationship. Don’t shut the door before it even opens.”
“I’ll think about it, Lily.” Then she chuckled, “You know what’s funny? Haven’t I been saying the same thing to you for years?”
Nico
I was in a shitty mood all week. Not only did it suck getting over Lily, but my body ached from the punches it took at the show. I wasn’t as young as I used to be.
By Wednesday I was feeling semi-decent again. Forget Lily. I’d make a new start. Perhaps I should just be a womanizer the way most people thought I was anyway. I would avoid the ache that had settled deep within my chest. Even I knew that was a halfhearted attempt at dealing with my pain. It wasn’t me. I knew I couldn’t pretend to be something I wasn’t.
When Lily called on Thursday, everything changed. The way my pulse raced just hearing her voice signaled that I wasn’t over her yet. Not by a long shot.
“Can we talk?” she asked.
“About what?”
“About my—secret. What you want to know about.”
So many thoughts raced through my head I didn’t know what to think.
“You want to tell me?”
“Yes.”
“What made you change your mind?”
“Because you’re right. I don’t trust anyone with my secret. But if there’s anyone I should trust, it should be you.”
This revelation did nothing to slow my heartbeat.
“Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me.”
“The problem is I can’t really tell you without showing you.”
“O-kaaaay. So show me.”
“I can’t yet.”
“You’re starting to lose me.”
“I—uh—can you come away with me on Monday night? You’d have to take the day off Tuesday though.”
Although a voice in the back of my head said I was setting myself up for heartache, my curiosity and compelling need to see her again quickly shut it up.
“Where are we going?”
“The White Mountains.”
Furrowing my eyebrow, I asked, “What do you want to show me up there?”
“Please—just say you’ll come.”
“I will.”
“Bring layers. And comfortable shoes. We’ll need them for walking.”
Where the heck was she bringing me? And why?
“What about this weekend? Why don’t we go away then?”
“I can’t show you until Monday.”
“Well, why don’t we hang out? See a movie or something?”
“Don’t you have a show?”
“Yeah, but I’d find time to see you.”
She was so quiet that I thought she might have hung up. Then she said, “I think it’s best if we wait. This is going to be difficult for me enough as it is. ”
Monday could not come fast enough. I spent the weekend thinking, thinking, thinking. Even during a show, I was distracted. What could she possibly want to show me up there? How did it hold the key to her secret? I’d never thought so much about a woman before. My head was ready to explode.
Then Monday finally arrived, but we were both working, which made it the longest Monday ever. When she picked me up in her Prius after work, I had to remind myself to breathe. She was wearing a pair of nicely fitting jeans that emphasized her delicious curves. Her fleece pullover almost matched the chestnut of her hair, emphasizing the golden highlights.
Had it only been a week since I last saw her? Touched her? It seemed like months had gone by.
“You look well,” she said, eying my black Old Navy cargo pants and fitted black Under Armor shirt. “Like a ninja.” She winked.
“If we’re off to uncover secrets, I thought I should look stealthy.”
When she laughed, I found it musical. To hear her happy was finer than any of the songs I had ever written. I thought about what a great time we had last Friday and then how it all fell apart Saturday morning. Her laughter turning to di
stress. I hated being the cause of any of her anguish.
So play it cool, I told myself. Don’t push her to tell you anything too soon.
During the two-plus-hour drive, we stuck to lighter topics. Work, the band, what we’d been up to all week. I told her about the brawl in New York City.
“That’s crazy,” she said, looking at me with concern. “Are you okay?”
Seeing the way she looked at me, I knew she cared about me. No matter what she said or how much distance she put between us, I knew how she really felt.
But would it change anything?
After we checked into a hotel and had dinner at a famed Italian restaurant in town, I said, “I hope I can have you for dessert tonight.”
Her face, which had been relaxed for most of the day suddenly tensed up.
She shook her head. “I’m afraid not tonight. We need to go outside.”
“Where?”
“Into the trails. Deep into the mountains.”
“At night? Why?”
“That’s where I can show you my—secret.”
“Are we going hunting for a treasure? You’re a pirate and you hid your stash deep in the woods?”
“Sorry, no treasure.”
“Are you plotting to take me out there to kill me or something?” I joked. “Hide my remains so nobody finds me ever again?”
“You might find that a more plausible explanation than what I’m about to tell you,” she said with a straight face.
I stopped joking then and there. Whatever she was going to tell me was probably quite serious.
We each had a light backpack with water and snacks and a flashlight. She put a small pocketknife in my bag.
“What’s that for?”
She shrugged. “Just in case you need it for anything.” She checked my bag to make sure I had what I needed.
“How long are we going to be gone for?”
“Depends. Bring your hotel key.”
“O-kay,” I said, confused. “Why?”
“Because you’ll be going back to the hotel without me.”
“What, Lily? Why? Where are you going to go?”
She looked up at the darkening sky. “Come on, let’s start walking. The moon will be coming up soon.”
“You’re starting to freak me out, Lil.”
“It’s okay. I’ll explain everything as we walk. Keep an eye on our surroundings, we want to stay on this trail.”
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