“Is there anyone special in your life?” Katrina asked.
Nico’s face popped in my mind, followed by the shocked/scared/repulsed look, whichever it was, on his face after he saw me change. Why did he always have to invade my thoughts? What could I do to get him out of my head?
I only hoped time would erase him. No, that was impossible. I knew I was lying to myself even thinking that. Part of me knew that was what to expect from a human and understood it was a natural reaction. The other part of me hurt still, the pain so raw, and I hated him for leaving me there.
“There was. But I made the mistake of showing him what I was. And he left.”
“What an asshole.”
Something about being able to talk to them, really talk to them, without covering up who I really was—the way I had to when I talked to humans—opened up the confessional floodgates.
“No, he’s not though. I don’t blame him really. I mean, it’s not something you see every day—the woman you’ve been sleeping with suddenly turns into a mountain lion. I mean he was so sweet, so considerate. I never met a man like him before. He was smart and sexy as hell. I barely kept my hands off him.” I smiled remembering the drive back from Rockport. “I kept my distance emotionally, but it was too hard. I just wanted to be around him all the time. He wanted more from me. More than just sex. My feelings for him were more powerful than I thought. And I wanted more too. To be fair, he needed to know the truth. So now he knows my secret. And he’s gone. Gone. He fucking left me. You’re right, he is an asshole!” I shook my head again. “No, he’s not. I hate this. I hate feeling like this!”
“Is that why—the scream?”
“You heard that?”
They looked at each other.
“Yes. It was pretty loud.”
“Oh,” I said, not knowing what else to say. “I guess I was feeling pretty—hurt.”
“Forget him, Lily. Who needs someone like him? You could move out West. Plenty of shifters in the mountains there to make you forget about some narrow-minded human.”
“Yeah, maybe. I don’t know.” I considered it. Pictured running around out in the mountains with some hot shifter. Shifting effortlessly between human and feline. Like Angelo and Katrina. I couldn’t even finish the fantasy because once again, I saw Nico’s damn face in my mind. I put my head in my hands since it was no use. “This is all a lot to process. I mean the whole mess with Nico, getting shot at, meeting you both and learning I’m not alone.” I put my head in my hands. “I’m almost at the point where I want to explode.”
“Stay with us a few days,” Katrina said. “We can tell you what we know about our nature.”
“Yes, you should,” Angelo said. “It’s not right that you never learned who you are.”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I have a job and a life back in Massachusetts.”
“Human concerns,” Angelo said. “You’re not human.”
“Stay with us,” Katrina said, putting a hand on mine. “Just for a little while. And then if you want to go back to your human life, it’ll still be waiting for you.”
My eyes wandered from Katrina to Angelo and back. They were right. I had so many questions my whole life that I’d just suppressed, thinking there were no answers. Now I was with people who could answer them. Bring some enlightenment to the mystery of who I was.
“Where do we start?”
Chapter Ten
Nico
When I finally made it back to the parking area near the trails where she’d left her car, it was in a different spot. Therefore, I knew she’d left and returned and was still in the forest. Armed with only a compass I picked up at a nearby store and my backpack, which I’d stuffed with water and snacks, I trekked back out into the woods.
“Lily?” I called every now and then.
No answer.
I have to find her. No matter how long it takes, I can’t turn back until I do.
I walked for hours and called for her until I was hoarse. I couldn’t get a signal here to call her phone. When dusk settled, I thought about going back to the hotel and checking in for the night. However, I kept walking relentlessly, searching for her, until the sky was dark and blanketed with stars. Lost and exhausted, I settled down under some trees. It was scary as hell, knowing all kinds of animals and whatever else could be in here. This was bear country, after all. Moose as well. Now to cap things off, I knew mountain lions prowled these forests. At least one kind of hybrid.
Despite my wariness of what lay in the woods, I fell asleep for a few hours. The cold mountain air woke me with its bite while it was still dark as pitch. Or was it that I had to pee? I was reminded of camping trips when I was younger. It didn’t matter if you went to the loo before going to sleep, you always woke up in a tent in the middle of the night having to go. You’d try to ignore it and go back to sleep, but eventually you’d succumb to the urge and have to trek out of your warm sleeping bag into the coldness of the night, on the lookout for any nocturnal creatures. Now I wasn’t as concerned about me, but Lily. Was she still out here? What does she do all night out here as a mountain lion? Was she now human again?
My thoughts turned to my own safety since I was alone in the bloody forests of New Hampshire. Should I try to find my way back to civilization?
No, I had been safe for a little while. Better not go in search of danger.
I tried to fight it, but fell asleep again. When I awoke, the faintest light appeared over the majestic trees. I drank a ton of water and ate some snacks. Then, using my compass, I found my way back to our original meeting point—where I’d foolishly taken off from, leaving me in this damn situation.
Did Lily leave a sign for me? Perhaps she’d know I’d change my mind and come back. I moved the brush away from where she hid her clothing.
Nothing.
Of course not. Why would she ever want to see me again after what I’d done? It was unforgivable.
Lily
The next morning, I left Angelo and Katrina’s to go for a walk. They told me so much about our kind last night and I was still trying to incorporate everything. That’s when I heard someone calling my name.
Was that Nico?
Why would he be back here? He left. He had to be back in Massachusetts. I must be hallucinating.
I sniffed around the area. I was in human form and didn’t have the senses of my mountain lion form, but my sense of smell was definitely more acute than humans. Something I’d discovered long ago.
Yes, that was his scent. Nico was back here in the mountains. What was he doing here? Was he looking for me?
Each step I took in the direction I sensed him was filled with trepidation.
Why was he here? What did he want? What did I want?
“Lily?”
Then I saw him.
He must have heard my footsteps because he turned around and saw me. Quickly I stepped behind a tree.
“Lily?”
I froze.
Why did I follow him here? Dumb move.
“I came to apologize.”
Slowly I stepped out from behind the tree to face him. His eyes appeared bloodshot, his clothes wrinkled and covered with bits of leaves and he was unshaven.
“Have you been out here all night?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
He looked down sheepishly. “I was looking for you.”
“Oh,” I whispered. What else could I say?
“I’m sorry I took off.” When he looked up, his eyes implored me to forgive him. “I freaked out, you know?
“I understand why.”
“You do?” His eyebrows rose to signal he wasn’t expecting this reaction from me.
“Yes.”
“So you’re not mad at me?” His question ended with a more hopeful tone.
I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed. “I don’t know what I’m feeling right now, Nico.”
“You were telling me the truth,” he said, stepping closer. “About chang
ing.”
“Yes.”
“I didn’t believe you at first.”
“Of course not. Why would you? It’s not conceivable to most people.”
“If I was being an ass or sarcastic about it, I apologize.”
“It’s okay.” I shuffled from one foot to the other. “I’m glad you came back.”
“Me too.”
“I wasn’t sure if you would.”
“Neither was I.”
“So why did you?”
“Because I—because. I don’t know, Lily. Because I care about you.”
“Oh.”
“And I’d like to know more. About you. About what I saw the other night. If you want to tell me.”
“Nico, I—as much as I want to, I can’t. You were the first person I showed my true self to and it blew up in my face.”
“I’m sorry. I realize it must have taken a great leap of faith to tell me, some real trust. And I blew it. I’m such a daft fool.”
“No, you’re not, Nico. But you’re human. And I’m not. Your reaction was a normal human reaction. My pain is another human one. However, I’m not human. I’m a shifter. I need to figure out what exactly that means. I’ve been trying to hide it my whole life, but it’s time to figure out who I really am.”
“I understand that completely. But you don’t have to go through that alone. I can be with you.”
I shook my head. “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. What I’ve always known is that I’m not right for another human.”
“What are you saying, Lil?”
“We can’t be together. I shouldn’t have let us get so close. I shouldn’t have fallen for you. And I definitely shouldn’t have shown my true self to you. It was a disaster.”
“No.” He clenched his fists. “Why are you saying this? I came back for a reason. To learn more about you. To be with you. Don’t push me away.”
Why was he making this so hard? It was already difficult enough. I turned away so I didn’t have to see his face. “I need to stay here.”
“You don’t have to do it alone.”
“I do. I can’t do this with you. How can I? You couldn’t even understand what it’s like.”
“You’re right, I can’t. What I saw you do was amazing.” He relaxed his fists, and his voice now carried some awe. “Something I never thought was possible. I mean the way you can just—transform. How do you do that? It’s incredible.”
I recoiled at his reaction. Perhaps it was normal, but it emphasized how different I was, something that never sits right with me, especially at my vulnerable moments. “It’s not some freak show that I’m going to perform for you! Do you think it’s easy to have to suffer through this every month? To have to run into the shadows and hide what you are whenever the moon is full?”
“I didn’t say—”
“No, it’s not amazing! It friggin’ sucks, that’s what!”
“Lily, I’m sure it’s been difficult—”
“I don’t want to talk about this. I don’t need someone trying to analyze me who doesn’t have any idea what it’s like!”
“I’m not trying to be some bloody shrink! I’m trying to be here for you as a person. Someone who cares about you. Aren’t you tired of shutting people out?”
He hit another sore spot. No matter how aloof I tried to be, he saw through my defenses. The realization was bittersweet and too much right now. “I need to you to leave me here. Forget you ever met me.”
“Can’t you be honest with me and tell me why? I’ve been wandering through the woods all night looking for you. Before I go back, it would be nice to know why I’m being rejected.”
He just wouldn’t quit, would he?
Because he cares.
Shut up, psyche.
“Because I’ve been trying to deny what I am for so long, afraid of people’s reaction—the way you reacted. But it’s time to figure out who I am. And to do that, I need to be here.”
“Why here?”
“They’re helping me.”
“Who? Are there others?”
Shit, I shouldn’t have mentioned Angelo and Katrina. “You need to go. Now. Please—just go.”
I thought he might give another reason for why we should be together. Maybe I wanted him to. But he didn’t. The forest was unusually quiet with scarcely the sound of the leaves rustling in the breeze as if the trees were listening too, waiting for an answer.
I already regretted telling him to go. After all, he came back to me.
No, he came back to see the freak show.
No! Stop interpreting why he’s here. Stop analyzing his words. Just hear him out.
It was too late. I watched him walk away, listening to his footsteps crush the fallen tree branches.
Turn back. Turn back.
I lost sight of him in the woods, but still heard his footsteps. They grew softer. Then I couldn’t hear them anymore.
He was gone.
Run after him. Ask him to stay.
The truth was I felt alone, afraid, and I would have done anything to be with him up here.
No! He left me when I trusted him. How could I trust him again?
Give him a chance. He freaked out. He’s human.
And there’s the rub. I’m not human. He is. Two different species who don’t belong together.
Oh yes, that sweet little reminder of reality kicking in. Figures.
The little voice was right. This was my path to take, my journey to learn who I was. With heavy steps, I walked back to Angelo and Katrina’s house, resisting the urge to look back at Nico.
Nico
What a bloody disaster that turned out to be.
I didn’t know what exactly I thought would happen when I found her—part of me hoped she’d fall into my arms, be happy that I came back—but to turn me away? Man, that sucked.
At VC’s practice Thursday night, I brought the sheet music I’d been working on for Annabel Lee, the song I picked up again after my first night with Lily. The lyrics were Poe’s, the music mine. It needed input from the band, but I thought the basic melody was solid.
I wailed lyrics of pain at losing the woman I loved the way I never had before. Thinking of Lily, I poured all the grief and loss into the song. They weren’t just words anymore, but real and intense longing for what was lost.
“Damn, I think you really have something there,” Mike said. “It’s not so sing-songy like a love ballad. I like the rougher edge.”
“Yeah, it’s better this way. Harder. Cuts to the tragedy of losing her,” John said. Then he nodded at me. “What’s gotten into you lately, man? Is it that woman you’re so hush-hush about? The one who’s obviously gotten under your skin?”
“Do tell,” Mike said. “Is it the one you were bugging out about at work? Is she hot?” He shook his head. “Of course she’s hot. Since when do you go for the dogs?”
Lily was sexy as hell all right. Just picturing her face in my mind pained me. And her body, her delicious body. How soft her skin was under my fingers. How she responded to my touch so eagerly, without any inhibition.
Thinking about the times we spent together wasn’t going to help me get over her. Neither was writing a song about her. Nevertheless, it was something I felt compelled to do.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” I said.
“What’s the matter? She doesn’t want you?” John asked.
“And then Nico probably put her on a pedestal because he wants someone he can’t have,” Mike added.
“Stop analyzing me! We’re here to practice. Not dissect my troubled love life like you’re Freud and Jung.”
“Dude, we’re your friends. Just trying to help you out, man. But whatev,” Mike said. “Let me play around with some harder riffs.” He focused his attention on his guitar, playing different approaches.
John smashed out some heavy beats. “We definitely need to play it hard. Intense.” He banged the drums even louder. “Until you can feel this guy’s pain pounding inside your
head.”
While he played, more lyrics came to me. My Lily, Ligeia. What if?
“Guys, I need to go outside for a few. I might have some new lyrics to add.”
“Cool. We’ll work on the tune,” Mike said.
My head was ready to explode as I thought of a new twist. The story of Ligeia, Poe’s story I’d read on the bus. Ligeia wastes away and dies and the narrator remarries the Lady Rowena. However, Ligeia is not gone for good; her wild hair and dark eyes return to the haunted narrator.
Ligeia.
Why not bring Annabel Lee back as well? Why leave the narrator grieving? She could come back, just like Ligeia. She’d have gold in her hair and gold in her eyes. The mood of the song would be very dark, maybe supernatural.
Not that I’d seen anything like that lately.
The narrator pining for his lost love would be almost unbearable. The ideas were coming to me too quickly to process and write down, so I scribbled notes to work on. I’d figure out a way when I had time alone to put my thoughts on paper.
When I went back inside, the guys were pounding out a dark, heavy beat.
“Yeah, I like that,” I said. “It fits the somber mood. Morbid. Definitely like Poe.”
“Did you come up with something to add?” Mike asked.
“I have some ideas, but I don’t know how to work them in yet. Thought we’d end it on a twist. Bring Annabel Lee back. Like in the story Ligeia.”
“Is that Poe?”
“Yeah, check it out later. We’ll work on it. For now, let’s stick with what we have.”
We worked on Annabel Lee until we had a solid version of the music—dark, somber, throbbing rifts, and heavy drumbeats. We’d tweak it some more, but it was a good start. Then we finished up practicing some of our newer songs.
Throughout the week, I worked out my grief over losing Lily as I worked on new lyrics to the Annabel Lee song. Working on the song also kept me connected to her. As if there was hope that someday we’d find a way. Someday we would be together.
Friday night we had a gig in Boston. I still hadn’t figured out the best way to incorporate the Ligeia story into Annabel Lee so we played the version we worked on in practice the other night with just the poem. Usually when I was onstage, I wailed the lyrics to rile the crowd up, give them what they wanted. Like in New York. Tonight I sang onstage not for them, but for me. I closed my eyes as I sang the song and cried out my demons, my loss, my grief. I barely noticed the audience was even there.
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