With This Ring, I'm Confused

by Kristin Billerbeck

  Seth, my beloved ex who can’t seem to exit my life, needs more write-off with his new director position, not to mention his wife, so he’s buying my share of the house. I can’t say the situation surprises me. Considering how much time he’s spent getting fed by Kay, it’s probably a fair trade. The good news is that Kay will have her own place, and Seth will have his write-off while Arin tries to transform his bachelor pad into something livable. Good luck with that.

  My stomach churns as I see the white limo drive up at the front of the curb.

  “It’s time,” Brea says.

  I grab Brea, Kay, Mei Ling, and my mom in a group hug. “I love you guys!”

  Okay, no tears. The makeup is perfect.

  “Enough blubber. We gotta go!” Brea announces. “I have to make sure John got Miles in his ring-bearer suit right. Let’s go! Let’s go!”

  My mom fiddles with my veil as Kay and Brea take one last look in the mirror. “I like this boy, Ashley,” Mom says. “You and Kevin will be very happy together. I hope you’re as happy as I’ve been with your father.”

  Small thing, but please let me be happier than that, Lord!

  After a giggle-fest in the car, we arrive at the church and take what feels like a million pictures. The truth is, I’m not all that photogenic, and I’m hoping for PhotoShop miracles here so I can remember myself as a young Vogue model when I’m in the rest home listening to the Dave Matthews Band. “Remember when we all looked like Angelina Jolie?” we’ll say in our tired voices.

  When the picture-taking finally comes to an end, I overhear someone say that the groom isn’t here, and it hits me with the force of a Florida hurricane. I can feel my heart in my throat as I wait. My hands are trembling, and I begin to have conversations without actually being present for them. People say something. I respond, but all I am really hearing is Kevin’s not here yet. Kevin’s not here yet. Something in the back of my mind fears he’ll give me up for his heritage after all. What if I end up crying in the back pew—with Seth and his pregnant wife offering words of condolences? I hear Seth asking me if I’m okay, and by the way, does the house have any dry rot?

  “He’s here!” I hear Brea announce. My heart begins to beat again. “Get in the church before he sees you!” I scramble into the church’s bride room, unable to wipe the huge smile from my face. He’s here. I am really getting married! I am really moving across the country with only Rhett to keep me company during the day. Today, I will become Mrs. Ashley Novak. I will leave behind General Counsel for General Manager of the home. How oddly Elaine Novak. The irony is not lost on me here.

  I pick up my bouquet and sniff the heather to remind me that dreams do come true. And I gaze upon the red tulips that remind me of my everlasting love. Gone are the hydrangeas and peonies that were Emily’s idea. This is my dream. My day. My future.

  After what feels like an eternity, and lots of people scrambling around me, the music starts and my dad stands beside me. Kay and Brea give me the thumbs-up sign. “It’s time!” Kay says. “Listen to that, the bridal march for Ashley Stockingdale.”

  “Our baby is getting married!” Brea says.

  “We did it!” Mei Ling says to my mother.

  The bridesmaids are all satisfied in a dress that I hope they’ll wear again. But all brides say that, and no one ever wears the dress again. The dress always makes you wonder, Why am I friends with this girl, again? Do I even know this person who placed me in pink satin? But I’m happy to report, they all look good. They’re wearing a straight neckline across their collarbone and a bodice that hugs the waist. It’s black, which I love the formality of, and it slims my already emaciated bridesmaid crew. At the waist, it’s cinched before exploding into a full skirt in 1940s classic style. It was all created in amazing shantung silk that complements my gown, and with their black heels, they’re amazing! All three of them look incredible, but more important, they are incredible. I wouldn’t be here without any one of them.

  Kay and Brea take their places beside the single doctors Kevin has standing up for him. The one he once tried to set me up with, and James, Kevin’s best friend from childhood, who still lives in Atlanta. Apparently doctors like other doctors. Mei Ling will be meeting up with Dave, and Miles is my ring bearer. My family has no flower girls. We’ll have to work on that.

  My dad is fidgeting in his “monkey suit” and looking like he’d love to be nursing a beer about now. He lifts my veil and kisses my cheek. “You’re a beautiful bride, but you were a beautiful single girl too. I’ll miss my girl being around the house. You were always handy for the halftime beer,” he jokes, but I see the tears in his eyes. I know he never thought he’d see this day.

  Dad likes Kevin. Kevin understands sports, which is the universal male language, lost on many of the men in Silicon Valley. Certainly on Seth, and my dad never could trust a man who didn’t know his football. “It’s just not right,” Dad would say. “Not natural for a man not to have a favorite football team.”

  “Mei Ling’s a better daughter anyway,” I quip to my dad. “She’ll even frost your mug.”

  “No, Ashley.” My dad has a sparkle in his eye. “I know we don’t talk much, but that’s because I figure you know what I think. You know I love you and that I couldn’t be more proud of you. What else is there to say?” He shrugs.

  “What indeed, Dad? I love you too.” I kiss him on his cheek, and the flash nearly blinds me. The photographer is like paparazzi. I love it! Colin Cowie’s parties have nothing on an Ashley Stockingdale wedding!

  He puts the veil back in place, and we hear the “Wedding March” begin again.

  “This is it,” my dad says. “You sure you want to marry this no-good guy?”

  “I’m sure. You’re sure he’s here?” I ask nervously.

  “I saw him with my own eyes. He’s here, and so is his family. Not many of their friends, though, so I had your brother seat people on both sides of the church.”

  “Here we go, Dad.” He clutches my arm tightly and we start to step down the aisle.

  My first look at Kevin is something right out of my dreams, and I can’t stop my tears. I can’t tear my eyes from his gaze either, and I don’t see a soul sitting in the church. Is there anyone here? There’s only Kevin in his black tuxedo and wide grin looking at me, beckoning me toward him with his love. I think about how when I met him, I had such illusions of grandeur about who he was. Now I’ve seen his love for his patients, his work, and me. He has so much love to give, and I don’t feel worthy, but I am so grateful that God brought him to me. May I feel undeserving every day of my life. Please, Lord.

  When I reach him, I see his own eyes glistening, which forces my tears down my cheeks. And I swallow over the lump in my throat. My makeup will be ruined. “Stop it,” I whisper to him.

  “I’ve never seen anyone more beautiful, Ash. I wish I could marry you every day,” he whispers back.

  I’m still clutching my dad’s arm, but now he untangles himself and thrusts me toward Kevin. My fiancé smiles down on me, and for once in my life, I know all I need to know.

  Pastor Craig, the man who discipled Kevin in Christian growth, starts the ceremony. “We are gathered here today to witness the Christian marriage and blessing of Dr. Kevin Novak and Ashley Stockingdale.” He goes on, but my eyes are locked on Kevin’s gaze, and my head is swimming in disbelief. I am standing up here. The pastor is talking to me! I have to look around and see Kay, Brea, and Mei Ling dressed in bridesmaid dresses. I look down and see, yes, it is me in white! How cool is this?

  I’m leaving California. I’m leaving Gainnet. I’m leaving everything I know for the wild blue yonder of the unknown with a man I’m head over heels in love with. I can barely breathe at the thought of it. I should be scared to death, but I can’t wait to jump. I can’t wait to land in the warm, soft place that is my husband.

  Kevin takes my ring and slides it down my finger. “I, Kevin Novak, take you, Ashley, to be my lawfully wedded wife. To love and cherish you as
Christ loves His church. I pledge to be faithful to you and care for you as part of myself. May we grow together in His likeness and, come what may, weather the storms of life together.”

  The pastor looks at me, and I slide Kevin’s ring on his ring finger.

  “I, Ashley Stockingdale, take you, Kevin, to be my lawfully wedded husband. To love and honor you, to cherish you. To follow you through all life’s experiences no matter what hills and valleys we may encounter. With this ring, I give you my love and respect. I choose to be your wife and to cherish you as long as we both shall live.”

  “By the power vested in me,” the pastor booms, “I pronounce you man and wife. Kevin, you may kiss your bride.”

  I’m giggling as Kevin zeros in on my lips. I’m a married woman! It only took thirty-two years, three pathetic boyfriends, and a complete lack of faith on my part. Kevin turns me around, and I finally see the crowd.

  “Let the games begin.” Kevin winks and clutches my arm as we walk down the elegant aisle amid the gorgeous stained glass. Had I known I wouldn’t even notice where I was, I would have spent less angst on the location.

  I glide past Kevin’s mom and sister. Elaine and Emily are applauding politely, but I fear their true emotions are painted on their expressions. I am not the bride of their dreams, and they think Kevin most definitely deserves better. Hey, he probably does. But Read my lips, people. He’s mine now! Kevin’s father looks resigned, pacified by the fact that we accepted a down payment for a house we chose, but still disgruntled that we refused the ugly gift house he already picked. Reconciliation, I think to myself. It’s my goal now, although made easier by the separation of several states.

  I see Seth with a very pregnant Arin toward the back. The pregnancy shows even in her face. He smiles at me, and I smile back. He’s happy for me, and I for him. It took a baby to make him act, and praise the Lord for that. He won’t be alone. I see Sam sitting beside them, and I’m glad my marriage is starting out with just two people. Sacrifice in love is one thing. Looking at Seth, I’m reminded that ultimate surrender is quite another.

  Matt Callaway is sitting in the last pew, fidgeting uncomfortably as he waits for Kay to finish her bridesmaid duties. They’re dating seriously now, and while I can’t approve, I can’t do anything about it either, and I’m comfortable with that for now. I do not control the universe. Thankfully, that job belongs to Someone much more capable.

  Kevin and I smile knowingly at each other. “We did it,” he says.

  I look down at the sparkling diamond on my left hand. We did do it. Confusion is part of God moving you out of a comfort zone. A comfort zone that should cease to exist. God’s way is never the easy path, but it’s by far the most exciting.

  Kevin stops at the back of the church and looks at me intently. “Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale? I mean, Novak! Let’s blow this popsicle stand!” He pulls me forward and we run out to the church foyer, only to be halted by a most disconcerting sight—or lack thereof. “Where’s the limo?”

  “Oh my goodness, I gave him directions to the reception hall and told him we’d be done about five.”

  Kevin starts to laugh out loud. “We don’t have a way to get to our own reception?”

  It’s now that I see Emily running out with her Coach portfolio. “I thought something like this might happen. The limo driver’s cell number is in here.” Emily hands me the leather folder in a rare gesture of—could it be—kindness? “Welcome to the family, Ashley. You’re a true Novak now.”

  At her words, I clutch the folder tightly to my chest and swallow hard. “I’m glad to be here, Emily.”

  Kevin dials the number for the limo, and the driver assures him he is just around the corner. I look at Kevin’s startling green eyes and beautiful face in awe as he talks. Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale Novak is married! A Reason no more. Oh yeah, with this ring, I’m committed—not into an institution, but to a man who looks like Hugh Jackman on a good day. Is God good or what? I think I just might learn to trust the Lord a bit more now, lean on him instead of worrying so much. Yes, I’m sure of it.

  Maybe.

  Until we have children.

  Children with those great green eyes and my sense of style. Oooh, children! A whole new fashion world to explore. Little, tiny Lilly Pulitzer dresses and—does Coach make diaper bags? I’m sure they must.

  Wait a minute. What if they don’t get my sense of style? What if they’re born with a penchant for heavily sweetened iced tea, fried okra, and sweet potato pie? What if my daughter visits her favorite Aunt Emily and comes home wanting a parasol and calling me Mothah?

  Help me, Lord!

  I hear Kevin’s voice, see the limo turning the corner, and suddenly realize that I’ve already fallen back into my worrying ways. Sorry, Lord. I’m definitely a work in progress.

  “Ready, Mrs. Novak?” Kevin asks as I slide elegantly into the car. For once, a moment lives up to my expectation.

  “Most definitely,” I say. And I am. The question is, is the world ready for Mrs. Ashley Wilkes Stockingdale Novak? And how will I fit that name on my Visa card?