Office Hours

by Katrina Jackson

  So, when you run to Deja and see how anxious and depressed she is, I want you to remember that she’s one of the better ones. She doesn’t think she is, and certainly, she needs better coping skills, but she’s smart as fuck. And her department might suck, but they know there’ll be hell to pay if she leaves or doesn’t get tenure. The Dean will literally throw a fucking fit. She has so many resources, she’s just too afraid to ask for help. So, when you go to her and probably do some real cute shit to help her get back on track, remember that not everyone has you in their corner, so look out for all of us, not just the men.”

  At some point while she was talking, Alejandro had sat heavily in the chair on the other side of her desk. More than once, he’d wanted to interject and remind her of people he’d advocated for, but he didn’t because it would have been petty and, the more he listened to her, he realized that she wasn’t necessarily wrong.

  It wasn’t that Alejandro ignored the women of color in the faculty. It was simply that, as Toni had noted, there were fewer of them, and every fall it felt as if one or two had disappeared. And it wasn’t that he didn’t notice and talk about it with Dean Ward, it was that he didn’t talk about the problem in terms of gender. He pushed for a more racially diverse faculty, without noticing how often those new hires were men. And crucially, he never noticed how, when he took on a new service assignment and needed to call on already overworked people, it was more often than not the women that he could count on to rearrange their schedules and say yes.

  “I haven’t been the best ally to you,” he admitted quietly.

  Toni smiled. “You’ve been the best you could. And now that you know all this, I know you’ll be better.” She rolled her eyes, “Deja’s in her office. She grades and does class prep when she’s stressed. She needs hobbies.”

  “She’s just upstairs?” Alejandro asked, jumping up from the chair. The information felt like a bolt of lightning striking his body.

  “Sadly,” Toni said, turning back to the essay on her desk.

  “Thanks,” Alejandro said.

  Toni looked at him again. “I like you two together,” she said with a shrug. “It almost makes me believe in romance again. Almost. But then I remember the world is a hellscape and Tinder was a sign of the apocalypse. Now, go. Leave me alone. This essay won’t grade itself.”

  ***

  Deja’s eyes were going a bit blurry, and her back was stiff.

  She’d been at her desk grading for nearly three hours. It had been a productive time, at least. She’d caught up on the weekly quizzes from her Intro to Sociology course and had updated attendance grades in all her classes. She’d graded all the essays for her Sociology of the Black Family course and was halfway through the essay drafts for her Social Movements class. She looked at the clock on her laptop and decided that she could leave in a couple of hours and finish the rest of the drafts on Monday to hand them back on Tuesday.

  It was sad to realize how easy work could distract her from her own emotions. Well, some kinds of work. Not writing or her own research. That kind of work was like a shortcut to triggering her insecurities, and that explained why it was so easy for her to avoid it. Even just thinking about it made her anxious, and she turned back to the stack of essays in front of her when a knock sounded at the door.

  She thought about ignoring it and hoping the person on the other side went away. It was a possibility since she wasn’t teaching or holding office hours today. Technically, she didn’t need to be on campus, so if she didn’t answer there was no proof that she was even around.

  “Deja,” a voice called from the hallway. “Are you in there?”

  The sound of Alejandro’s voice made her heart clench like she knew it would, that was why she’d been avoiding his calls. Still, she did seriously consider ignoring him until she heard his soft sigh through the door. Fuck, she definitely did not deserve this man.

  She rushed from her desk and pulled the door open just enough to reach out, grab Alejandro’s hand and pull him into her office.

  “Deja?” he asked in shock.

  “Shhh,” she hissed. “I don’t… I don’t want anyone to know I’m here.”

  “Including me,” he said.

  It wasn’t a question, and it made her heart hurt. She ducked her head and tried to avoid making eye contact with him, but Alejandro’s hands landed on her waist, and he moved her to one of the larger chairs she used when her students didn’t need advice on classes or internships and just wanted to vent or shoot the shit. He pulled her onto his lap, and she let him.

  She’d missed him.

  “Tell me what’s going on,” he whispered, wrapping his arms around her and pulling her close.

  She sank into him immediately. Why had she denied herself this?

  “I’m sorry I didn’t pick up when you called,” she whispered.

  “I don’t care,” he breathed, and she finally turned to look him directly in the eyes.

  He smiled. “Okay, I cared. I really fucking cared, but only because I missed you and want to make sure you’re okay.”

  “I really fucking can’t stand Caroline.”

  “Join the club,” Alejandro said.

  “Or Layla,” she whispered, averting her eyes, embarrassed at herself for even feeling jealous.

  “Neither do I,” Alejandro said. He moved his hand to her chin and gently tipped her head back so they could make eye contact again. “She asked me out after you left.”

  Deja’s body tensed. “And what’d you say?”

  “I told her I’m seeing someone,” he said matter-of-factly. “What’d you think I’d say?”

  “We’re not supposed to be telling people until we talk to HR.”

  “I’m ready when you are,” he whispered to her, his eyes dipping to her mouth. She felt his thumb pressing at the curve of her bottom lip.

  “Even though I’ve been avoiding your calls for two days?”

  He smiled. “I won’t tell HR that if you don’t.”

  She smiled briefly and then frowned. “I should have stuck up for Marie,” she admitted quietly.

  “What do you mean?”

  “Some people treat her like shit because she’s an adjunct, and I should have stuck up for her.”

  “We should have,” Alejandro said. “You were the most junior member in the room. It wasn’t your job to do that, not alone, at least.”

  “I know,” she said, “but we’re friends.”

  “So are we. Toni’s her friend, too. And Mike is just a good guy. Why do you think this is all on you?”

  Deja pressed her lips together. That was a great question.

  “Is this a thing you do?”

  She squinted at him.

  “Toni said you’re a creature of habit, so I just want to know if taking on the weight of the world is a thing you’re prone to do so I can be prepared for the future.”

  “You talked to Toni about me?”

  “Of course. And she lectured me for being a lackluster ally to women of color on campus. I got way more than I bargained for,” he said with a smile.

  “You sat through one of Toni’s lectures? For me?” she asked, shocked and also warmed by the thought.

  “Not to repeat myself, but of course.”

  “I don’t deserve you,” she breathed.

  “Oh, you definitely do,” he whispered, squeezing her soft waist. “But if you need to be reminded of that…” Alejandro’s voice trailed off. He bit his bottom lip and smiled up at her through his long eyelashes.

  “I missed you.”

  “Good. I missed you too,” he said.

  And she accepted that — even though believing that someone could want her as much as she wanted them was hard for her. But how could she deny the truth she could see in his eyes, hear in every word he said, and feel pressing at the curve of her ass?

  “How much?” she asked.

  “What do you—” His voice gave out before he could finish asking the question because Deja had ground her
ass into his lap. “Shit, Deja.”

  “How much?” she asked again.

  “I didn’t come here for…” He swallowed thickly as she circled her hips again. His head fell back, and he groaned.

  “What’d you come here for?” she whispered and then dipped her head to brush her mouth along his cheek.

  “I just wanted to check on you. To let you know that I’m here.”

  She circled her hips again and moved her mouth up the side of his face to his ear. “I can feel that,” she said.

  “Fuck,” he groaned, his fingers digging into her hips now.

  She stood briefly from his lap.

  “Wait,” he hissed.

  “Calm down,” she said as she crawled back into his lap, straddling his legs. When she moved her hips now, they both groaned. The thin material of her leggings almost made it feel as if the mound in his pants could touch her in all the ways she wanted. She really had missed him.

  “We’re not supposed to do this on campus,” he moaned even though his big, strong fingers were flexing at her waist, encouraging her to keep moving on top of him.

  “I know,” she breathed, moving her hands to the nape of his neck before digging her fingers into his hair, “but we missed each other.” She moaned those last words, and that seemed to be all the invitation he needed.

  Deja just barely swallowed the moan that rose in her throat when he shoved his hand into her leggings and underwear. Of course, she was wet.

  “Fuck, Deja,” he groaned again, pulling her face to his and kissing her with an urgent, relieved sight. He tasted amazing.

  His fingers stroked over her slit and she groaned into his mouth.

  “Please,” she whispered against his lips, and he curled two fingers inside of her without preamble. They both smiled into the kiss as he started finger-fucking her in slow strokes.

  “I want to come together,” she whispered again.

  “What?” Alejandro asked.

  Deja answered by moving her hand to his lap and unzipping his pants.

  “Oh, fuck,” was all he said, and that was all Deja thought needed saying.

  The only sounds that mattered were their soft moans and groans as he fingered her, and she stroked his dick in rhythm. They started slowly, but apparently a couple of days apart was enough to make them near frantic with need for one another. It didn’t take long for Deja to start riding Alejandro’s hand or to spit into her palm and grip him with both hands, jacking him as she rode him.

  It was lewd and even worse than the last time they’d gotten inappropriate with one another in her office. And this time was even more dangerous since it was the early afternoon. Granted, Deja’s floor was near empty on a Friday afternoon, but this was still a gamble. She knew that, she just refused to let herself think about that. She didn’t want to think about how pathetically lonely her life had been until he walked her to her office in the fall. She just wanted to feel every inch of Alejandro’s body she could get her hands on and forget everything else in the meantime.

  And she did.

  Deja’s back bowed as her orgasm took her over, and she buried her face in the crook of his neck.

  Alejandro moved his free hand to the back of her head and held her there, pressing his own face into the crook of her neck. They ended up pressing their mouths tight to one another to muffle their groaning releases.

  They didn’t have time to be shocked at the mess Alejandro made in Deja’s hands and all over their clothes because the sound of a door slamming shut down the hall caught their attention.

  Someone else in their office. Someone might have heard them.

  “Fuck,” they said at the same time.

  25.

  MARCH

  Deja’s mother believed chores were the best kind of therapy.

  She didn’t believe in therapy, but if it existed, she believed that it came in the form of a Luther Vandross playlist on Spotify and enough bleach to burn her nose hairs. Deja had spent years trying to convince her that her definition of therapy was skewed, but when times were hard, she fell right back into that childhood conditioning, cleaning everything she could find. It was even worse when she couldn’t sleep, and Deja hadn’t been able to sleep much for the past few weeks. Every time she tried to calm her brain and fall asleep, she’d hear someone’s office door closing while she held Alejandro’s sticky, softening dick in her hands, and she’d be wide awake again.

  She’d been up most nights with her headphones in — because she wasn’t a terrible neighbor — listening to Luther and Prince and Tina and Aretha, trying to tire herself out enough to sleep for a few hours at a time. She’d also taken to slinking into her office, so she didn’t have to see any of her colleagues. And she didn’t look anyone in the eye when she ran into them in the hallway. She’d even pretended to be sick to miss a faculty meeting because her brain had conjured a truly ridiculous scenario where someone would pull her aside and out themselves as the person who’d almost certainly heard her and Alejandro’s mutual masturbation session.

  But she couldn’t avoid everything forever and she needed to sleep. After almost three weeks, she was burnt out — even more burnt out than normal — and she didn’t have a concealer opaque enough to hide the dark circles under her eyes anymore. She was up most of last night cleaning before she conked out at three, slept fitfully for about four hours, then got up to clean some more. She was so busy that she didn’t immediately hear the alarm on her phone blaring at her to get in the shower before Alejandro arrived. By the time she heard it, she was behind schedule and had to rush to get ready in time.

  She’d just swiped on her best red lipstick when her apartment’s intercom rent the silence in her apartment. She jumped and smeared some of the lipstick on the tip of her chin. “Shit,” she muttered to herself. She grabbed a tissue from the box on her bedside table and dabbed carefully at her chin, trying not to dislodge the foundation underneath. She didn’t have time to redo her entire face.

  The buzzer blared again, and she jogged toward her front door.

  “I’m up,” she accidentally screamed into the speaker. “Sorry.”

  Alejandro’s laughter greeted her once she took her finger off the button to speak. “You ready?” he asked. “Or do you need me to come inside?”

  Deja shook her head with a smile. She knew what he was insinuating, and if her stomach wasn’t tied tight with knots, she might have let him, but she really couldn’t do her makeup again, and they had an appointment to keep.

  “No, you freak,” she laughed. “Give me a minute to grab my bag.”

  “I’ll show you freak…” he mumbled into the intercom.

  Deja laughed as she walked to her office to collect her things for work, her steps already so much lighter.

  ***

  “Wait here,” Alejandro said after he put his car in park in the faculty parking lot closest to Mark Hall and the administrative building. He placed his hand on Deja’s knee, turning to look at her to cement the point, and waited until she smiled and nodded.

  He pushed his own door open and stepped out into the still cool air. It was almost spring, but it had just snowed a few days ago and there were still icy, dirty chunks of it in the gutters and in between the parked cars. He walked carefully around the back of his car, taking the time to compose himself. Deja was so nervous she’d looked near tears when he’d picked her up this morning. Actually, every time he’d seen her in the past few weeks, it had seemed like some small part of her — some tiny thing he loved — was slowly eroding.

  He rounded the car to the passenger side and immediately met Deja’s eyes in the side mirror. She smiled at him, and he smiled back, hoping that after today, things would be different.

  Alejandro pulled Deja’s door open and offered her his hand.

  “I can get out of a car on my own,” she said, squinting up at him.

  “I’ll remember that,” he said, still holding his hand out to her.

  She sighed before finally letting him
help her from the car. They pulled their bags from his backseat and Alejandro held his hand out to Deja.

  Her eyes widened. “We can’t,” she hissed.

  “Yeah. We can.”

  Being able to hold Deja’s hand on campus was the entire reason they were both on campus today even though Deja didn’t teach, and Alejandro didn’t have to teach his graduate course until this evening. If they hadn’t taken this nine o’clock appointment with Human Resources, they’d have had to wait until mid- or late April, and while Alejandro hadn’t wanted to push Deja, he had.

  She’d been so terrified after they’d heard that door slam that her eyes filled with tears and she'd started shaking in his arms. He’d watched as the fear of being discovered caused her to fall completely apart in his arms.

  When the hallway was quiet, Alejandro had jumped into action. He’d cleaned them both up with a bottle of water and paper towels from her desk and rushed her to his car and his apartment and then he held her until she cried herself to sleep, mumbling that her career was over until she passed out.

  Toni’s voice was a faint echo in his head the entire night. He hadn’t doubted her, not necessarily, but he realized that night that she’d been absolutely right. Deja was one of the smartest people he’d ever met — on a campus full of smart people. She was also stronger and more resilient, and if she was this on edge all the time… He couldn’t fathom it. So, he’d pushed her to take the earlier meeting with HR. It wouldn’t fix all the problems, but it would at least take the fear that they’d be discovered off her plate. Something was better than nothing.

  He held out his hand to her because he wanted to remind her that they were in this together, and because he just wanted to hold her hand. It could be as simple as that.

  She ducked her head to hide her smile and slid her small hand into his and they resumed walking toward the administrative building.