Her Leading Man

by Maggie Dallen

  Her whimpering moan at the contact brought a flicker of sanity. He pulled back, their breath mingling as he struggled to make sense of the situation. What was he doing?

  She loved him.

  No. She didn’t know what she wanted.

  She thinks I love her.

  No. He couldn’t let her go on believing that. She would get hurt. This was a mistake. Her mistake because she was naïve and believed in things like fairy tales and happily-ever-afters. But he knew better and he had to protect her.

  He would never hurt her with promises he couldn’t keep.

  Most likely sensing his hesitation, Caitlyn’s eyes opened and met his, their faces still so close all it would take was a slight tip of his head and they could be kissing again.

  And there it was. A flicker of hope gleamed in her eyes and gave her face a radiant glow. She thought this kiss meant…oh holy hell.

  He’d come here to make things right and he’d managed to make them even worse. He was doing it again, leading her on.

  She must have seen some of the panic on his face because she pushed back a little farther and her brows drew down in concern. “Ben? What is it?”

  A panicky sensation made his throat tighten. What did she expect from him? She should know better. She deserved better than this…than him.

  “I can’t.”

  Her forehead furrowed in something akin to anger. “What? What do you mean?”

  “I’m sorry, Cait.” He took another step back, ignoring the sharp burst of pain the movement caused in his chest. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do this.”

  Chapter 16

  Caitlyn’s heart ached every time she thought about Ben. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this. A week had passed but Caitlyn couldn’t stop hearing Ben’s parting words. The words he’d spoken just seconds before bolting like a spooked cat.

  “Did you hear a single word I said?”

  Caitlyn turned to see Meg glaring at her from across the lobby. Tamara and Alice gave her a knowing, pitying look. Oh God, she’d become that girl.

  “Sorry, Meg, what did you want me to do?”

  Meg pointed toward the refreshment stand. “Double check the catering staff.”

  Alice rolled her eyes as Caitlyn trudged past her to do her job. “Don’t worry about it. I hired the best caterers in the city. I’m sure it’s fine.”

  Even though Alice had arranged all this—all of this being the costume party fundraiser for the theater—Meg had taken over as de facto leader of the prep team. Caitlyn and the others were fairly certain it was to keep herself distracted from the looming birth, which Meg was not so secretly terrified of.

  She gave Alice a reassuring smile. All her friends had been worried about her this week—even Meg, though she’d seemed to have forgotten that she was supposed to be pitying Caitlyn, which was just fine by Caitlyn. She knew her friends meant well but she didn’t want to mope over Ben anymore. She didn’t want to talk about him or her feelings.

  So manual labor was exactly what she needed. Then she could forget all about the fact that Ben was most likely at his office’s Christmas dinner, gloating over his latest real estate deal, which would just be one more stab in the heart, as far as she was concerned.

  Tamara was already behind the concession stand, where the catering company had set up a makeshift bar. She looked absorbed by her task, her little frame looking far too frail to be handling the large crates she was trying to move.

  “Here, let me help you with that.”

  Tamara flashed her a smile, and Caitlyn asked the question she’d been pondering for the last few days. “Is this fundraiser going to do any good?”

  Tamara’s head shot up. “What do you mean?”

  “I mean”—Caitlyn paused to shift the wait of the crate in her hands—“given the proposal that’s on the owner’s desk, do we even stand a chance of saving this place?”

  Tamara’s big blue eyes blinked at her in surprise. “I thought you knew….”

  “Knew what?”

  Alice drew near, risking the wrath of Meg to join their conversation. “What’s up?”

  Tamara looked from Caitlyn to Alice and then back again. “I’m sorry, I thought you knew. I thought Meg told you.”

  She looked to Alice for an explanation, but Alice was still focused on Tamara. “Meg thought Ben was going to tell her.”

  The sound of Ben’s name had her chest tightening all over again, but she shoved aside the pain when they both turned to look at her. “We haven’t spoken since…that night.” She waved off their concerned looks. They all knew what night “that night” referred to. The night she’d been shattered into a million pieces.

  Tamara gave a quick nod. “I know, I just mean, we thought he’d done it for you. Or, maybe… I don’t know.”

  Caitlyn’s patience was wearing thin but she took a deep breath. “What did he not tell me?”

  “The deal is off.”

  Caitlyn’s jaw dropped. She was aware that her mouth was open but she couldn’t seem to close it. Too many questions were trying to come out at once. “What? When?”

  But most importantly, why?

  Tamara gave Alice a slightly panicked look and Alice stepped in. “Sorry, Caitlyn, we should have told you sooner. The developer, and Ben’s company, took the offer off the table. They said they were going with a property farther downtown. One that’s abandoned and not in danger of being named a historical landmark.”

  Caitlyn blinked at Alice. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  Alice and Tamara shared a look of chagrin. “We thought he’d done it for you. Because of you,” Alice explained. “Meg wanted to give him a chance to tell you. She thought this was his attempt to…you know…make things right.”

  A glimmer of hope pierced her thick wall of detachment. Dammit. She had finally gotten to a numb state. This was not what she wanted to hear.

  Alice was studying her closely. “Whatever you said to him that night… It worked.”

  Caitlyn shook her head quickly. “This wasn’t for me. They probably just found a better location, that’s all. Maybe they found out that the landmark status will be moving forward.”

  Or maybe he did it for you. She couldn’t think of that possibility. Besides, if she was a factor at all, it was because he felt guilty for breaking her heart. Again. For the last time.

  Alice interrupted her internal pep talk. “How do you know that you weren’t a factor?” She looked to Tamara as if for backup. “We all know that he cares about you.”

  “Yeah, as a friend.” She saw her friends flinch in the face of her cynical statement. She hadn’t even bothered to hide the disgust and disappointment. What would be the use? Her friends all knew the truth. That she’d poured her heart out to Ben, then tried to convince him that he felt the same way.

  “He cares about you as more than a friend,” Tamara said. “Anyone with eyes could see that.”

  Caitlyn felt the telltale burning of tears behind her eyelids and blinked. “Try telling him that.”

  “You were brave and he is being an idiot,” Alice said. The resolute look on her face said she wouldn’t hear any words to the contrary, so Caitlyn settled for rolling her eyes. That’s what she’d told herself, that she was the brave one for confronting her feelings and owning up to them. But maybe it was time to face the truth. Maybe he really didn’t love her as anything more than a friend. Maybe what she’d thought was bravery was just denial.

  She blinked rapidly again and cursed under her breath. In less than an hour she was supposed to be dressed, hair and makeup done, to be part of the team who would welcome the donors who were attending. She would not sabotage herself with tears. She’d wasted way too many of those as it was.

  * * * *

  Bloody hell, he was a bastard. Ben was dimly aware of the party going on around him as he wallowed in his self-hatred.

  I’m no good for her. It would end in heartbreak. This was for the bes
t. The words had been running on a loop in his brain for a week—ever since he’d walked away, leaving her standing there looking forlorn and hurt in the snow.

  He was no good for her. It would end in heartbreak. This was for the best. The never-ending mantra reminded him yet again. And he needed the reminder if he was going to resist the mad temptation to call her. He just wanted to hear her voice one more time. Make things right.

  But isn’t that exactly what he’d told himself when he’d gone off to see her last time? And look how that had turned out. He’d made everything worse. That kiss had been a disaster. An epically wonderful, soul-jarring disaster.

  Perhaps if he just saw her one more time, though….

  Dammit, he had to get these urges under control. No more of this “one more time” crap. Isn’t that what drug addicts said? And that was exactly what this was. He was addicted to Caitlyn and he needed to kick the habit for both their sakes. Ben slammed his beer down, causing all eyes at the table to temporarily flicker his way.

  He forced a smile and conversations resumed, though Ben was content to sit at the end, drowning in his misery as he studied his colleagues celebrating the holidays.

  Well, he’d done it. He’d faced his greatest fear. Give the man a cigar; he was actually sitting at the same table as his ex and his former friend. And he was being civil—they all were.

  Ben nursed his drink. He still had hours to go at the office holiday party and he refused to be that guy—the drunken mess everyone talked about on Monday morning. He tipped the glass back and drained the last few drops. Ah fuck it, what did he care? He was rarely ever in the office anymore, anyway.

  His ex’s laugh cut through the low murmur of voices at his table. All eyes turned to her. As usual. She looked more stunning than ever in a low-cut, red dress that clung to her curves. Her lips were a matching shade of red that he’d had to scrub off his cheek when she’d greeted him with a friendly kiss.

  He watched her light up over something one of his coworkers said and he waited to feel something. Anything.

  Nothing. All he felt was the empty pit that had taken up residency in his gut the moment he’d walked away from Caitlyn. It had only been a week, but it felt like a year.

  There was a big part of him that wished it had never happened. But it had and it was all Ben could think about. Even now, sitting across from his ex and ex-friend, the image of Caitlyn’s crestfallen face was all he could think about. The look of disappointment in her eyes and gut-twisting sadness—he’d done that. Dammit, that was the whole reason they’d agreed to keep it light. He hadn’t wanted to hurt her.

  He should have known she wasn’t the type to keep feelings out of it. She was too caring, too open-hearted, too…Caitlyn.

  And he missed the shit out of her.

  He hadn’t wanted to come to the party tonight, but he’d told himself he had to. He had to show up to be strong, to be brave. He had to prove to himself and to everyone else that he was over his ex.

  Well here he was. He’d proved it. And who the hell cared? Of course he was over her. He’d been over her for so long he hadn’t even known how over it he was. You can’t have a broken heart when your heart was never in it.

  How had he never realized that? What he’d experienced during his breakup with Olivia… That was nothing compared to the way he felt now. That had been wounded pride, but this? His heart literally ached. Up until this disastrous break-up—if that’s what you could call ending a friends-with-benefits relationship—he’d never realized that the phrase heartache was anything more than metaphorical.

  His ex laughed again and Ben once again wished to feel something. If for no other reason than to validate his presence in the room. He’d shown up tonight to prove that he was strong, that he could face his ex and his former friend and that they held no power over him. Of course they didn’t. They were two self-absorbed workaholics who wouldn’t know a real relationship if it punched them in the face. Just like him. So what was he trying to prove by being here?

  “Ben?” The ex’s voice cut into his thoughts. She and everyone else at the table were staring at him.

  “What?”

  She turned an amused look to the rest of their tablemates. “I’m sorry, are we boring you?”

  He cleared his throat and shoved aside all thoughts of Caitlyn and the stabbing pain in his chest. “Sorry, what were we talking about?”

  Natalie, who was sitting across from him, shot him a questioning look. She’d been watching him with that mix of pity and curiosity for the past week whenever he showed up at the office, but he avoided it now.

  Alejandro spoke. His former friend, or bloaty-faced washed-up creep, as Caitlyn had so aptly described him, had been trying to get back into Ben’s good graces ever since Ben started working out of the office again. Now, it seemed, he was looking for a chance to publicly earn brownie points.

  “I was telling everyone what a great job you did with Darren’s new property deal.”

  Ben shifted uncomfortably in his seat. This was one topic he didn’t want to delve into, in public or anywhere else.

  “Sounds like you helped him divert a disaster.” Turning to the others, he explained, “Darren had his heart set on tearing down a theater in the Lower East Side to make way for a new hotel. But rumor has it the city is going to be fast-tracking the theater for landmark status.”

  Alejandro and the others were smiling at him as if they were all celebrating his success. “Can you imagine if he’d gone through with the deal before that happened? He’d be stuck with a run-down relic on his hands.”

  Ben swallowed back the automatic defensive response. It was not run-down. It had character. How many times had he heard Caitlyn and the others say that? It had history and class and, more than that, it had a hell of a lot of good memories for Ben. He and Caitlyn had gone there several times, once to help the so-called “Operation Petticoat” with their cleanup efforts and two other times to see classic movies. All memories that he would cherish.

  But now was not the time to wander down memory lane. The entire table of coworkers was waiting for him to reply. “All part of the job,” he muttered. Before anyone could ask more questions, he avoided further conversation by turning in his seat to hail the waiter for another drink.

  He couldn’t answer any more questions because he knew what they would be, and he didn’t want to have to lie.

  Well that was something new. Since when had he grown an aversion to lying? The waiter caught his eye and he held up his empty glass. Once he turned back, he found the others had resumed their conversation and it thankfully had nothing to do with Darren or the theater.

  He could only imagine how the conversation would go if he’d tried to be honest. How did you know the landmark commission would fast-track the theater through the process, Ben?

  Because I asked them to. Or, more like, in a fit of insanity and desperation he’d told Darren that was the case. He hadn’t been able to help himself; the little brat was gung-ho about moving forward with the project, despite Ben’s hesitation. And the entire time Darren was talking, all Ben could see in his mind’s eye was Caitlyn’s face when she’d accused him of using her and her friends. The look on her face if she ever found out that the theater was a goner…and all thanks to him.

  So yes, he’d lied and said that the landmark commission was moving forward. The moment that meeting had ended, he’d raced to Gregory’s penthouse and called in a favor. His friend hadn’t asked questions, just made some calls. Amazing what a few phone calls from a billionaire of a legendary family could accomplish. Before Ben could say “ethical violation,” the deed had been done. The movie theater would be saved.

  Did Caitlyn and the others know yet? He wished he could be there when they found out. They were hosting a costume party fundraiser at the theater tonight—everyone was supposed to dress up as a classic movie star—they would all be there. There was no way Caitlyn would miss it. She’d probably been there
all day helping to set up.

  Caitlyn would be there. Bloody hell, he wished he didn’t know that. It made staying away that much harder when he knew the exact course he could take to get to her. Like right now, for example. The theater wasn’t far. Ten minutes in a taxi, maybe five if there was no crosstown traffic.

  Not that she’d want to see him. Or would she? Ben toyed with the collar of his shirt, which felt too tight. No, he’d ruined things for good this time.

  It was for the best. I would hurt her. She deserved better.

  He repeated the words but this time, they didn’t ring true. Oh, Caitlyn most certainly deserved better, but not necessarily for the reasons he’d been telling himself.

  Looking at Alejandro and Olivia schmoozing it up for the crowd, sharing the occasional kiss for the audience around them—Lord knew Olivia loved an audience—all he could think was… I’m not like that anymore.

  He didn’t know when it had happened or how, but he had changed since the breakup. Since meeting Caitlyn. The old Ben would never have ruined a perfectly good business deal to spare a woman’s feelings.

  Not just any woman. His woman. Caitlyn.

  And the old Ben wouldn’t have sat here in silence, taking Olivia’s pointed barbs and Alejandro’s smirks. He would have fallen right back into Olivia’s drama, no doubt. But he couldn’t even bring himself to frown at the fake-happy couple. Why? Because he couldn’t care less. He could see now how shallow those relationships were… They had to have been for that kind of betrayal to have occurred. True friendship and true love meant being loyal. It meant being trustworthy and thinking about the other person’s feelings.

  Which is exactly what he’d done for Caitlyn with the now-defunct proposal.

  A swell of pride had him sitting a little taller. He’d changed. Or maybe, this new Ben had been there all along and he’d just needed a little help to see it. He’d needed Caitlyn.

  He wasn’t like them, not anymore. And he wasn’t like his father. He stared at the drink in his hand, temporarily stunned by that realization. His father would never have put a woman’s interests ahead of his own. He wouldn’t have cared if his actions hurt his mother. But he was not like his father. Maybe he never had been. Maybe just knowing that he didn’t want to be like that had made him different from the very beginning.