Burn

by R. J. Lewis

  This was my birthday gift from Jaxon. The one I thought I’d never see again. The one I kicked myself repeatedly all these years for leaving behind. Our conversation flooded into my mind, recapping all I’d learned after I’d left him. He’d been in prison. For something he didn’t commit. And… and…

  “They’d been tipped off…The officer,” I choked out, unable to slow my quickening heart. “He planted drugs and… Oh, my God.” I looked at him harshly, tears exploding right out of me like my heart. “Don’t tell me it was you! Not you!”

  “I didn’t know what happened to you,” Remy retorted defensively. “You disappeared off the face of the earth! And it was right after that night you chatted me up in front of him. What the fuck was I supposed to think? I abandoned post and looked for you for weeks. I sent men all over the city. The answer at the time was he’d done something to you–”

  “Why didn’t you just ask him?!”

  “I had the police interrogate him; otherwise I’d have killed him, I was so fucking angry. They went through the entire apartment looking through everything. It was strange as fuck that you’d suddenly packed a bag and left without a word. It was like he’d done something to you and made it look that way. Only figured it out months later when my guys found you in the system sending out resumes to shops some of the Jackals owned. You were workin’ some piece of shit job on the wrong fuckin’ side of town.”

  “So you found me and saw that I was doing well.”

  “Yeah– ”

  “Then why wasn’t he let out?”

  Remy exhaled, rubbing his irritated face in resignation. “Two reasons. He was in deep with Finley inside those walls. Got a lot of jobs done, was already integrated in the Scorpions, and by then they were packing shit up in Winthrop and lookin’ to relocate elsewhere. If he got out, I didn’t want him at you and you anywhere near that gang. Plus he got sentenced. I can’t override a fucking ruling like that.”

  “And the second reason?” My words tumbled out harshly because I already knew what the second reason was.

  He exasperatedly shut his eyes for a moment. When they opened again, weariness filled them. “You’re right. I’m obsessed with you. I don’t even know why. I just… I wanted you to myself. I had a lot of shit going on, was just given the title of VP. I wanted you to have a good job, to be safe and secure so that when I was ready to come for you, we would both be in good places.

  “Anyways, Scorpions set up shop here. When I saw Jaxon, I knew it was going to be a major complication if you ever came back. Tried to sort some peace out with them, accept what they’d done to our town… Then all control escaped me with what happened to your mom and all. I didn’t want you here at the risk of you seeing him. Then of course Rita fucking pushed the issue behind my back, telling the priest to contact you. The rest was out of my hands. You came back and went straight to him. I realized I had to stop waiting for the best time and just make that time happen with you. So I took you from him. Again.” Even I could hear the sound of incredulity in his voice, like he was stunned at what he’d done.

  “It was wrong,” he continued. “I know that. I made a stupid decision. I was selfish and wrong. Sometimes love makes you do the craziest shit.”

  “That’s not love,” I bitterly stated. That was obsession. Obsession of the most critical kind.

  “The way I feel for you, it’s love. You don’t wanna call it that? Fine. But every time I look at you, I see purpose. I’m a fuckin’ weak ass man in your hands. For Manny to tell me that you were spying in the surveillance room after you’d disappeared from the party today to see who I assume was Jaxon – how the fuck am I meant to take that news, Sara? The possibility you could be usin’ me right now…” He paused and looked away from me, unable to meet my eyes. He was hurting.

  I didn’t want to crumble. Not after what he just did and the news I’d just learned. So I watched the pain skirt around his face as he tried hard to swallow it back. It was tough fighting it when all I wanted to do was reach out for him. I thought it strange just then how you can watch someone you love do the most horrible things and still burn for them. Enough for me now to understand Jaxon when he told me it wasn’t up to me to have made the decision to walk away.

  But there were more questions that needed answering.

  “The text message,” I said, waiting for him to come clean once again.

  He frowned. “What’re you talking about?”

  “There was a photo sent to my phone of a girl trying to kiss Jaxon at a club. One that almost broke us up.”

  “I have nothing to do with that. If I did, I’d tell you.”

  Damn. I was mentally exhausted and emotionally drained.

  “Thank you for telling me the truth,” I muttered. He could have easily left me in the dark about it. Instead, he confessed it all at the risk of changing how I felt about him.

  I went to hand him back the bracelet – he did steal it off Jaxon after all and had kept it all these years – and he looked down at my hand stupidly. “It’s yours, Sara. I don’t want it.”

  Minutes passed by. I dangled the bracelet in my hands, watching it shimmer under the light, feeling good I was holding onto something that Jaxon had once touched.

  “So what now?” I asked. “Are all the Jackals going to make me suffer the consequences of my actions?” In other words, am I going to die?

  “I won’t let anything happen to you,” he answered softly. “I told Manny I sent you to the surveillance room to meet with me, but that you got there before I did. That you’re just a curious girl I hadn’t explained the rules to.”

  And so he redeems himself by lying to Prez in order to protect me. Cue more internal conflict. “He couldn’t have bought that.”

  Remy shrugged coolly. “It doesn’t matter. That’s my word against his. He can’t do shit about it.”

  “Well, thank you. For covering me.”

  He went to grab my hand but hesitated. Then he tapped his fingers against the mattress thoughtfully and replied, “Next time come to me, and I promise you’ll get your answers.”

  I nodded rigidly.

  The silence that followed wasn’t comfortable. It was awkward as hell. Both of us were immersed in our own world of thinking; the only way to bridge the gap would have been to show some affection. I could make things right again by bringing him into my embrace and continuing on as though it never changed.

  But the days of my pretending that everything was alright were over. I wouldn’t make-believe a reality in order to make others around me happy. So I didn’t comfort him.

  He got up after a while, stared lovingly at me in a way that stole my breath. Then he left the room.

  The second he did, I hurriedly put the bracelet around my wrist, clasping it with a click that felt more like it was emanating from my heart than anything else.

  *****

  Tears fell from my eyes. The second I stepped back into the house, I was held down to the ground by a fat arm. My head thumped, and my eyes swelled from the pressure he was putting on me.

  “Where the fuck were you?!” he shouted. His saliva hit my face and around my mouth, tasting of alcohol and cigarettes.

  “I was out with my friend!” I cried.

  “Leave hur alun, Noman,” Mom slurred from behind him.

  “Shut the fuck up, Joanne,” he growled. “This little slut thinks she can come and go as she wants wearin’ nothin’ but a fuckin’ see through top with her tits out to the world. Ain’t no daughter of mine is gonna do that shit! Ain’t no fuckin’ daughter of mine, you hear?”

  I sobbed, feeling the cold tile numb my cheek.

  “How old are you?!” he screamed.

  “T-t-twelve,” I stuttered.

  “Then you look like a fuckin’ twelve year old!”

  “Take hur to the used shop,” slurred Mom again. “She might need mo’ clothes.”

  Norman let go of me abruptly and turned in Mom’s direction. I hurriedly got up and watched as he grabbed her su
ddenly by the hair and dragged her off the couch. Surprisingly, she didn’t make a sound, but her eyes were bulging out of her skull as she waited for his strikes.

  “Now why would I take her down to a shop that man owns?” he barked at her. His eyes had gone cold as blood as he brought her close to his face. “Or is that what you want? Answer me, bitch!”

  Joanne shook her head cogently.

  “Then shut your fat fucking head up.”

  Joanne nodded adamantly, telling him over and over again that he was right.

  I slipped by without his notice and hurried to my room all the while wondering how the mention of a man could make Norman erupt so suddenly.

  Sixteen

  Day three since I saw Jaxon at the park. And day three of awkward communication with Remy. He was looking for ways to keep busy, otherwise he’d be somewhere nearby watching me. During the day he’d go on “business” runs with the guys, and day two he returned with bloody knuckles and a “don’t ask” look on his face as he rushed to wash it off.

  Day three he packed a bag and said he had another business run a few hours out of town and that he would be away for two nights. Without a kiss good bye, he left with most of the guys. I knew what some of these business runs entailed to, hearing it nonstop from Fritz who had currently passed out on the couch and missed out on going. Some of the things included partying, drinking hard and fucking women. Meanwhile the old ladies were followed around by whatever Jackal remained and kept carefully close. Fair, huh?

  I was seeing things from a different light. My entire stay here had been an illusion of freedom. I knew without a doubt he’d never let me go. And what if I did have the choice? Well then… that’s what pissed me off the most. I didn’t know what I’d do. Would I stay? Would I go? Were my feelings for him real or the outcome of our forced inseparability all these months?

  On my way to the kitchen that day, I ignored Rita’s dirty looks. Clearly she didn’t have a sense of smell sitting on the couch next to a passed out Fritz and reading a glamour magazine. She hadn’t talked to me since that barbecue, but her looks alone carried silent conversations of hate. Death to Sara, these looks said.

  I placed two slices of bread in the toaster and waited patiently around the kitchen island.

  It was while I was slapping a shit load of butter on my toast that an alarm unexpectedly sounded. It was a loud, screeching kind of alarm that had me throwing my hands over my ears. I vaguely heard screams…Then, to my horror, gun shots.

  I abandoned my work of buttered art and cautiously stepped out of the kitchen. Remy had warned me about the alarms once. He said if I heard them to head to my room as soon as humanly possible. It sounded when there were intruders, and now for fucking certain I knew there were because the gun shots continued to sound in the near distance.

  Heart in my throat, I hurried down the hall. I heard Barge hollering. “Get in your rooms NOW!”

  Fear stilled me in my steps. I’d have to walk through the main room to get to the staircase to the bedroom. Fuck. What if the intruders were there? What other choice do you have?

  I shakily rushed down the hallway and into the main room where Barge, Fritz, Broom and Vince were. They were spread out around the entrance doors, and Broom was unloading a duffel bag full of guns. I looked around the room, hastily searching for the threat.

  “What’s going on?” I yelled over the alarm.

  Barge turned to me and his face darkened. “Get in your fucking room, Sara!”

  “Where are they?”

  “Outside,” Broom answered me. “Within the walls.”

  “Get in your room!” Barge repeated.

  “Who are they?”

  Barge, looking beyond pissed now, stalked toward me. He gripped me by the arm and then pushed me back roughly in the direction of the staircase.

  “Get your ass up there right now,” he growled. “I’m not gonna be explaining to Remy that you died because you were too fuckin’ dense in the head to listen to one command.”

  I gulped in surprise and nodded. “O-okay.”

  “Lock your door.”

  I turned around and hurried up to my room, so jumpy I ended up tripping once along the way.

  What the fuck was a door going to do? If whoever was shooting got inside they’d just break the doors down. The one day most of the men aren’t around, shit has to hit the fan at the one place I thought we were safe in.

  I ran aimlessly down the hallway, and when I reached my door, I halted immediately. The fear in me multiplied. There was a man with a balaclava mask on and a black gun in his hand. My footsteps had alerted him to me, and he turned around to face me. I tensed in terror and then took an uncoordinated step back, tripping over my feet. I fell hard on my ass, but the pain that rocketed up my tail bone was barely felt.

  Screaming and hoping someone might hear was out of the question. The alarms were deafening, and even if I did scream, what might this man do to me?

  I scurried back and he took a step forward. “Please, stop!” I whimpered. “Do what you came for. I won’t be in your way.”

  He stopped suddenly and, to my surprise, threw the gun down on the floor. I looked down at it in confusion before returning my gaze to him. He brought a hand to his balaclava and pulled it all the way up.

  My terror washed away in an instant, but my surprise only rose. Jaxon’s eyes raked me over slowly from where I lay and then he extended his hand out. I took it and he brought me up on my feet.

  “What are you doing here?” I demanded. “Do you have any idea what you’ve done?”

  This was really bad. He shouldn’t be here. There were cameras everywhere. How the fuck did he even get in? I stepped away from him until my back hit the wall next to my bedroom door.

  “I came here for you,” he replied softly. “I told you I was going to make it right.”

  “How is breaking into this place making things right?” I scolded him, fighting the urge to push him back at his stupidity. “You shouldn’t have taken your mask off. They’re going to kill you for this!”

  “I wore my mask in case I didn’t bump into you. Now listen, we have one opportunity, Sara. Decision is yours. Either you come with me, or you don’t.”

  Come with him? “How are we going to walk out of this?”

  He smirked coolly. “You gotta trust me on this.”

  This was crazy. There was no way. “Jaxon–”

  “Decide now! You’ve got ten seconds, Sara. Do you want me or not?”

  I felt sick to my stomach. This was too out of nowhere for me. I was just buttering toast, for fuck’s sake! My whole being was cut into half. Smirk long gone now, he put out his hand for me to take. I stared at it, dumbfounded and unsure. While everything in me pushed to take it, I couldn’t. I just stared at it thinking only of Remy and how wounded he would be if I did this. This kind of deception would be irreversible. There would be no going back.

  I panted hard, resting a hand against my battering heart as he gazed into my eyes with determination. He’d done all this for me. He was risking his neck to have me.

  “Do you want us?” he asked again. “Because I swear to God, Sara, there’s no going back after this. Once you’re mine, that’s it. So decide.”

  A few seconds passed. My internal battle had stupefied me into silence. This was my hope coming to life: the decision to choose whether I wanted to stay or go. It was real, and it was happening right now. And yet I was terrified…

  I couldn’t…

  I couldn’t just…

  The hope waned from his eyes and his hand wavered.

  His next words were rougher than before. “Do you or do you not, Sara?”

  Seventeen

  Remy watched the footage about a dozen times. How could this have happened five hours ago under everyone’s noses? How did he even get into the clubhouse? Fucking Houdini.

  They raked over every frame of every camera taken that morning. Nowhere on any frame did he see Jaxon slip by. The man just emerged o
ut of nowhere on the second floor, as if he’d crept in through hidden places they didn’t even know were blind spots. Not only that, but he knew exactly where he was going. He marched down the long hallway until he was at Remy’s door. He opened it, peered in, and then shut it.

  He was looking for her.

  The whole shooting outside was a distraction from a few masked men who were mostly shooting up at the sky. No harm or destruction physically done, and it’d been over in fifteen minutes time.

  Remy, continuing to watch the footage, gritted his teeth, his anger multiplying faster when Jaxon turned to find Sara running to her door. She fell back, and Remy could only imagine how terrified she must have been.

  With the alarms going off, he could hear absolutely nothing in the video. He watched Sara take the douche’s hand, and then she was up, looking as if she was scolding him for something. They talked, but about what he couldn’t tell. He leaned closer to the screen, trying to lip read what Jaxon was saying. Shame their cameras were gritty and old. The quality was crap, but it wasn’t as though there’d ever been a reason to upgrade them within the walls of the clubhouse. Everyone here hated them as it was for intruding on their privacy. The only places they weren’t installed in were the bedrooms, and that pacified them just barely enough to be okay with their presence.

  Remy knew this would change their minds altogether. The unexpected shoot out and Jaxon’s breaking and entering would result in upgrades of every single camera within the clubhouse and, for fuck’s sake, the alarms would not be so goddamn loud next time!

  Next time, Remy scoffed. That wasn’t going to happen. He was going to sort this fucker out once and for all.

  He bitterly watched as Jaxon extended his hand out for Sara again. He seemed to be adamant about something. Heart lurching in Remy’s chest, he watched as Sara shook her head. His Birdy shook her beautiful, amazing, faithful head! Looking dejected, Jaxon dropped his hand down, and then he spoke to her again. And once more, his Birdy shook her beautiful, amazing, faithful head! More words, and then Jaxon was gone, moving out of the frames and disappearing. On his own.