Queen of Pain (Things YouCan't Tell Mama)

by D T Pollard

  “Good to see you sir,” Akela Natua, Brandon’s property manager said as he took their luggage and loaded it into a car.

  “Nice to meet you ma’am,” Akela said to Tara.

  Tara took in every sight she could on the drive to Brandon’s Hawaiian retreat. Once they arrived Tara felt like she was in the middle of some kind of fairy tale. The wind was blowing through palm trees and the beach in front of the property seemed to go on forever. Later in the afternoon, Tara put her bikini on and walked out to the beach. Tara paused and felt the breeze blowing off the Pacific Ocean as her blond hair blew in the wind behind her. The warm sand beneath her feet reminded Tara of the sandy driveway that led to her home when she was a child in Texas. Tara applied a generous amount of sunscreen to her five foot five inch tall body so her fair skin would not burn under the powerful rays of the sun. With her sunglasses shielding her blue eyes, Tara stretched out on a wooden beach chair and watched the waves break on the beach. Before long Tara’s eyes closed as the combination of the warmth from the sun, sounds of the ocean and time-change fatigue lulled her to sleep. As Tara slumbered her mind went back to a much earlier time in her life.

  “What’s the matter mama, why are you crying?” six year old Tara asked.

  “Come here baby. Mama will be alright. Your daddy got drunk and we had a fight. He lost his job again, but everything will be okay. You’re going to be a beautiful woman when you grow up. Baby, I love your daddy with all my heart, but he just isn’t much of a provider. Tara remember that you heart will fall in love with who it wants to, but you can learn to love a rich man just as well a poor one, because love can’t pay the bills. I want you to be somebody. I don’t want people to call you white trash like we are called now,” June Wilson said.

  “Okay mama. I love you. Daddy said he loves us. He told me so,” Tara said.

  “I know, but sometimes love just isn’t enough,” June said as she hugged Tara with one arm and held her younger daughter Caitlin in her other arm.

  Tara remembered the words spoken by her mother that day and as he blossomed into a pretty young girl. Tara always thought of what June said when boys began to pay attention to her in more than a plutonic way. One day during lunch when Tara was in the sixth grade, her friend Amy brought her a note. Tara opened the note and it was from Billy Mitchell. Billy lived down the street from her in a mobile home similar the one she lived in.

  “Tara, will you be my girlfriend?” the note read.

  Tara looked at the note and was a little puzzled. Billy saw her all of the time because they played together after school and on weekends. Billy would walk over from his house and climb through the barbed wire fence that kept the cattle inside the field behind her house. Tara couldn’t figure out why he sent her a note instead of just asking her in person himself. Tara saw Billy after lunch and told him that she would be his girlfriend, but asked him why he didn’t just ask her himself.

  “I don’t know. I just felt kind of funny about it and didn’t know what to say,” Billy told Tara.

  The next day Tara sat with Billy at lunch and all of the other sixth graders seemed to show intense interest in their budding relationship. Tara and Billy were friendly boyfriend and girlfriend until the eighth grade and even shared a tentative first kiss together. Everything seemed to be going well for the very young couple until after the start of the second half of the school year when a boy named Chad Franklin made clear his interest in Tara. Chad was from a well known family in town and his father owned a local construction business. Chad approached Tara in a most interesting manner.

  “Tara, the Valentine’s Day dance is going to be next week. I wondered if you wanted to be my Valentine for the dance,” Chad asked.

  “Be your Valentine, what does that mean?” Tara asked.

  “Well we can hang out and talk at the party. Maybe you could be my girlfriend,” Chad said.

  “You know Billy is my boyfriend. Why would I want you as my boyfriend?” Tara asked.

  “I know Billy and he’s an okay guy, but I think you’re cute. I’m the quarterback on the football team. It would be neat to see you cheering for me, plus if you’re my girlfriend, Becky and the other cool girls said you could hang out with them,” Chad said.

  “You’ve never even talked to me before, why do you all of a sudden want me to be your girlfriend?” Tara asked.

  “I don’t know. You seem nice, plus it’s more like we could eat lunch together and talk after class and stuff,” Chad said.

  “I don’t want to hurt Billy’s feelings. Let me think about it,” Tara said.

  Tara was somewhat confused by the way Chad approached her and talked to her mother about it when she got home.

  “Mama, can I ask you something?” Tara said.

  “Yeah sweetie, what is it?” June asked.

  “It’s about boys,” Tara asked.

  “Uh oh, what do you want to know about boys?” June asked.

  “Well mama, you know that Billy is kind of my boyfriend and he’s been my boyfriend since the sixth grade. Well this other boy asked me to be his girlfriend today. I don’t know what to do,” Tara asked.

  “Tara’s got a boyfriend. Tara’s got a boyfriend,” her younger sister Caitlin said.

  “Mama, make her shut up before I pop her,” Tara said.

  “Nobody is popping anybody. Caitlin stop that and go to your room so I can talk to your sister,” June said.

  “Yes ma’am,” Caitlin said as she stuck her tongue out at Tara before leaving the room

  “Who is this boy?” June asked.

  “His name is Chad Franklin,” Tara said.

  “Chad Franklin, does his father own Franklin Construction Company?” June asked.

  “I don’t know what his daddy does. There is a big building with a lot of big machines around it close to his house. I see them when the bus stops to pick him and his sister up in the morning when it takes us to school. Well, he asked me to be his girlfriend and I told him I would think about it,” Tara said.

  “Do you like this boy?” June said.

  “He’s never really said anything to me before. I thought it was kind of weird for him to just ask me to be his girlfriend,” Tara said.

  “Don’t you like Billy anymore?” June asked.

  “Well yeah, I still like Billy, but it’s not like we’re real boyfriend and girlfriend. I mean we eat lunch together and talk between classes,” Tara said.

  “You know what honey, you’re in junior high school, you need to meet and be around other people and see what they are like too. Billy is a nice boy, but it’s not like you two are getting married or something. You’re a pretty girl and a lot of boys are going to be interested in you as you get older. So here’s what you do. You’ve got Billy and you know about him, because you’ve been around him for years. You’ve got Chad over here and you don’t know a lot about him and what he’s like. You are thirteen years old and becoming a young woman, so base your decision on what you think will be better for you. You know what you have with Billy. Would being Chad’s girlfriend make your life better in any way? That’s the question you have to answer. Tara you’re thirteen so having a boyfriend means having a friend that is a boy and not like a grown woman having a boyfriend. We’ve talked about that before, haven’t we, so no grown folks stuff, okay,” June said.

  “Yeah mama, I know, but I don’t want to hurt Billy’s feelings,” Tara said.

  “Tara, hurt feelings are part of life and growing up. You can’t always hold yourself back because you’re afraid of hurting someone else’s feelings because if you do, you’ve given someone else control over your life,” June said.

  “Do you mean I should just do what is best for me and not worry about how someone else feels about it?” Tara said.

  “No that’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is that you need to figure out if what you are getting out of making a change outweighs the hurt feelings someone else may or may not have after you make your move. I’ve found that is
why some people are rich while other people with just as much talent are still poor. The talented poor people worried about how everyone else would feel about them doing what it takes to get to the top while the rich person with talent just did what they had to and let other people decide how they felt instead of worrying about it ahead of time. What if you decided to go with Chad and told Billy. Billy might not be hurt at all and if he is, he’s thirteen, he’ll get over it,” June said.

  The next day at school Tara told Chad she would be his girlfriend, but said she wanted to tell Billy about what she was doing.

  “Billy, I need to tell you something. Chad Franklin asked me to be his girlfriend and I told him I would. You’re not mad at me are you?” Tara asked.

  “Chad Franklin? I’ve never even seen him talk to you before. Why does he all of a sudden want you to be his girlfriend? He doesn’t like me anyway,” Billy said.

  “Why do you think he doesn’t like you?” Tara asked.

  “My dad used to work for his dad and they got into it at work. His dad fired my dad. Chad thinks his family is better than mine, because they live in a nicer house and have new cars. Is that why you want to be his girlfriend, because he’s richer than I am?” Billy said.

  “No Billy. We’ve been friends a long time, I don’t want you to be mad at me,” Tara said.

  “That’s okay. I’ll see you around,” Billy said as he walked away with his head hanging down.

  Tara watched Billy walk away and had a sinking feeling in her stomach.

  “Hey Tara, you want to sit with us at lunch today?” Becky Sadlin asked with two of her friends alongside her.

  “Sure!” Tara said as she turned to walk away with the group.

  In the background Billy watched Tara walk away and out of his life for all practical purposes.

  “Hey, are you done yet?” a voice said that stirred Tara out of her slumber.

  Tara looked up and Brandon was standing over her. Brandon sat down on the chair next to her on the beach.

  “Were you having sweet dreams?” Brandon asked.

  “Yes. Yes, I was. I was dreaming about you,” Tara said.

  “You know next week was supposed to be when your wedding to Gary was going to take place. Have you thought about that?” Brandon asked.

  “Yes, it has crossed my mind, but everything has changed since I met you. We were just meant to be,” Tara said.

  “Tara when I first saw you I couldn’t get you out of my mind and when I ran into you in the spa in the hotel in Canada, I had to ask you if you would come visit me. I know that someone there thought we had sex that night, but I just asked you to let me call you and talk. We built a connection and I know it was painful, but why go through with your marriage to Gary with doubts in your mind. When you visited my home in the Hamptons when you came on that business trip to New York and we made love, that was it, there was no turning back. I know it was an agonizing process to tell someone who was ready to spend the rest of his life with you goodbye and the situation with how we met made it worse. I’ve heard the talk, since I’m the CEO and Gary is a top sales performer,” Brandon said.

  “People are calling me a gold digger, because I left Gary for you. They think it was because of money, but it’s not, we love each other,” Tara said.

  “I know, but you can’t listen to all of the noise. We know what we mean to each other,” Brandon said as he kissed Tara.

  “Brandon, you are so good to me. I love you,” Tara said.

  3

  “Mama, what are you doing?” Tara said.

  “I’m sitting here with your daddy watching television. What are you doing?” June asked.

  “I’m in Hawaii with Brandon. I’m sitting out by the beach drinking out of a straw in a pineapple. Mama it’s so beautiful over here. I know that you always wanted to come to Hawaii. After I marry Brandon, I’m going to bring you over here,” Tara said.

  “Tara, you know you were supposed to be getting married to Gary next week. I thought you were crazy about him. I know you say you fell in love with Brandon, but when Gary came here with you, he couldn’t stop talking about you. I hope you know what you’re doing?” June said.

  “Mama, I know you liked Gary, but Brandon will be good for me. I will be able to put our family on a path to the future that I couldn’t with Gary,” Tara said.

  “I know honey, but this is the third time that you have left someone you were engaged to. You need to be careful. You can’t just play with people’s emotions like that. Each one of those men committed to be with you for the rest of their lives, that means it wasn’t like when you decided to be Chad’s girlfriend instead of Billy’s in the eighth grade,” June said.

  “I know mama, but you know what happened after that. When we got to high school and Chad’s mother found out who he was going with, she threw a fit. She told him that he shouldn’t be associating with poor white trailer trash like me. Chad didn’t have enough backbone to stand up to his mother and dumped me for Susan Kirkland because her daddy was a lawyer. I’m not some white trash little girl anymore and after I marry Brandon they can all kiss my ass!” Tara said.

  “Tara, baby you were never white trash. We are only what we answer to and I never answered to that label even if someone said it to my face. Money does not made one person better than another one, all it does is make some of the rough spots in life a little easier to get over. I know that I told you that stuff about it’s just as easy to fall in love with a rich man as it was a poor one, but that was out of frustration. We had been having a rough time and it’s hard to be happy when you might be getting your lights cut off, but I’m still with your daddy. We got through those rough times. I was from a different generation of women. We thought that marring the right man was our way to a better life. You were smart, did well in school and got your college degree. You’re a professional woman. You don’t need a man to take care of you in that way. You don’t need a man at all unless you want one. Just be careful of how you treat someone’s heart. Love is a powerful emotion and hate is just next door to it. Breaking someone’s heart can be a dangerous thing. As mad as I was at your daddy that day, I still love his ornery old ass,” June said.

  “Mama, you also told me that hurt feelings are a part of life and worrying about other people’s hurt feeling gave them control over my life. Well mama, nobody is going to control me anymore. Bye mama, I love you,” Tara said.

  “Bye Tara. I love you too,” June replied as she hung up the phone with a worried look on her face.

  Just as Tara hung up her call with her mother she received an incoming call with a blocked number.

  “Hello.” Tara said.

  “Hello Tara, you remember me. I see you finally got what you wanted,” a man said.

  “Hello. Who is this?” Tara asked.

  “This is the man you were supposed to be getting married to next week,” the man said.

  “Gary, is that you?” Tara said.

  “Yeah, it’s me,” Gary said.

  “Gary, why are you calling me like this? I’m here with Brandon,” Tara said.

  “I know. I’m sorry. Can you talk?” Gary said.

  “Yes, but not for long,” Tara said.

  “I just wanted to close the door on what happened between us and with the date coming up that we had chosen to say to each other that only death would part us. I wanted to hear you say that you love Brandon more than you loved me and that’s why you left me,” Gary said.

  Tara was silent for a long time.

  “Tara, are you still there?” Gary asked.

  “I’ve got to go. Brandon is coming,” Tara said as she hung up the phone.

  Gary’s phone call was like a cold glass of water thrown in Tara’s, but she managed to regain her composure. Tara took another sip from the straw in her drink, reclined on her chair and drifted off to sleep once again.

  “I love you Tara,” Adam said as he lay beside Tara in bed.

  “I love you too Adam,” Tara said.

/>   “Why don’t you move in with me? My apartment is close to campus,” Adam said.

  “Move in with you? That’s a big step. I mean that would be like we are really serious about each other,” Tara said.

  “Tara you are the only woman for me. We’ve been together for a year now. We’ve committed to each other that we’re not seeing anyone else. Why not take it to the next step,” Adam said.

  “Okay, I’ll move in, because I am really serious about you,” Tara said.

  “Mama, I met this great guy at school. His name is Adam, we’re moving in together,” Tara said.

  “Tara, why are you moving in with this man? You can still see him and be with him, you don’t have to move in with him,” June told Tara.

  “Mama, you just don’t understand. We’re in love. I want to be with him all of the time so when I move in with him that’s the way it will be,” Tara said to June.

  “Tara, you’re still young. What’s going to happen when you don’t want to be around him anymore? It will feel like you’re getting a divorce and breaking up a home. That’s a lot of hurt to go through to be as young as you are. You don’t need that,” June said.

  “What does my being young have to do with it?” Tara asked.

  “You never want to make walking away from someone you love feel too easy because it should be the hardest thing you ever do,” June said.

  As Tara dreamed she relived the day she moved out of Adam’s apartment while he was at school in class. One month earlier they had talked about spending the rest of their lives together. Adam had given her an inexpensive engagement ring, but Tara later decided it was too soon for that kind of commitment.

  “Adam, I know you won’t understand, but I decided it was best if we parted ways. I know we talked about a future together, but it’s much too soon for me to make that kind of commitment. I hope that we can remain friends,” read the note that Tara left Adam with his ring taped to it.

  Adam was crushed and confused. Adam didn’t know what he did for Tara to leave him like that and she never gave him a satisfactory answer. Tara tended to avoid Adam on campus until she graduated and moved away.