Purple Daze

by J. D. Walker

  It was funny to see folks who’d always made fun and been everything except human toward Beebub now acting like his best friends. And Beebub was soaking it up, as his due. Had he forgotten the torture we lived through as teens? I hadn’t, though I had tried to put it behind me.

  As I couldn’t afford a meltdown in the middle of the work day, A/C or not, I needed to get rid of the crowd. I’d have my breakdown later. With my dad’s whiskey.

  I cleared my throat, getting everyone’s attention. “While I appreciate that you all want to greet the prodigal son and welcome him home, I’d appreciate it if you would clear the doorway. It’s hot in here, and we don’t want to block any customers, do we?” Was that snappy? Probably, but I had to hold onto my pride somehow.

  I ignored the penetrating gaze I could feel on my back as I returned to my previous task, and tried to ignore my thumping heartbeat and trembling hands. God, Beebub was here and finer than ever. All those lies I’d told myself about being okay with everything died a sweaty, unhappy death. And Marlene hadn’t said anything. Damn it, I wish she had.

  “You cut your hair,” I heard Beebub say behind me, voice deeper than I remembered it.

  I took a shallow breath before I turned and pasted a smile on my face. “It’s been a long time, Beebub. A lot of things have changed, but that may not have occurred to you.”

  He frowned, which didn’t make me feel better about my petty jab.

  I held out my hand to his friend. “I’m Gabriel St. James. I knew Beebub in his teens.”

  The freckled dude looked back and forth between us. He was smarter than his lovesick act portrayed. “Sean Preston.” Our handshake was brief.

  “Pleasure.” Anything but.

  Beebub cleared his throat. “Wasn’t your birthday last week?”

  “Nice of you to remember,” I replied. “You in town long?” I opened a box and squatted next to it, examining the contents.

  He ignored my question. “I’ve been meaning to call. I’ve been, you know, uh, busy.” He didn’t sound like he was really sorry, though.

  I pretended not to be hurt. “What do I know about life in the city anymore? I left all that behind years ago.” I suddenly had an urge to do inventory in the back. “Well, you both have a nice time while you’re here,” I said before finding Frank and telling him he had the floor for a bit. I might have heard someone calling out to me, but I couldn’t deal with anything else right then.

  When I made it to the stock room, I hid behind a large metal shelf full of boxes and slid down the wall, face in my hands. Oh, God. Why was Beebub here?

  * * * *

  It was after nine in the evening by the time I made it home, a place that still felt too large for just me, now that Dad was gone. His truck still had some life left in it, and I was determined to use it until it died on the side of the road. Which could happen at any moment.

  I could see lights at Marlene’s house, down the lane, and heard music in the distance. Sounded like they were having a great time. She had decided not to run for sheriff again last year and instead worked out of her home as a security consultant. If I was lucky, I wouldn’t see Beebub again before he left, with Sean suction-cupped to his body.

  But as much as I would’ve liked that, it was unlikely, especially since I did live in a small town. Beebub being home, with a good-looking man on his arm, would probably make front page news and dominate conversation for days to come.

  I entered the house and headed straight to the bedroom. After a quick shower, I settled with my back against the pillows in bed, my old flute in hand. I hadn’t played it since high school and was feeling nostalgic.

  The window was open, the way I always left it in summer, a light, warm breeze rustling the curtains. A half-moon shone out the window as I played a melancholy tune. Back in the day, Beebub would sneak over to my house and spend some time in my room late at night, or we’d take our bicycles and ride to the lake or something, just to hang out together.

  Those types of thoughts chased each other as I went from song to song, simply going with the flow.

  At the end of a particularly complicated piece, a voice said, “You’re still good with that thing.”

  I momentarily closed my eyes and breathed, because really, I should have expected this. l glanced at the clock next to me, trying to delay the inevitable. It was one in the morning. I didn’t realize I’d played that long.

  “Shouldn’t you be in bed? With…Sean, was it? As jealous as he seems to be, I wouldn’t push it, if I were you.” I returned the flute to the case next to me and set it on the floor.

  When I looked at Beebub, there was just enough light to see him scowling. I recognized the old Power Puff Girls T-shirt, plastered to his chest like a second skin, with holes everywhere. I could barely see the color of his shorts, though I was sure they were purple.

  “You know good and well what his name is, Gabby, and Sean’s not like that.” My heart hurt to hear that nickname, after all this time. No one else had used it but Beebub. And he was in denial about his boyfriend.

  “Sorry, you no longer get to call me that.” I ignored the heat of the night to pull up the thin sheet and thump my pillow before turning my back to him. “Unless you have something earth-shattering to say, I really need to get some sleep.”

  I closed my eyes and prayed he would go away. A long time passed and I thought he’d finally left, but as I was drifting off, I heard him whisper, “I’m sorry about your dad.”

  When I turned my head to look at him, he’d already gone.

  * * * *

  Two days later

  It was closing time at the store, and pleasantly cool inside because the air had been fixed. I had one customer remaining, and he was pushing it. Sean was browsing the big bands section, though I could tell he wasn’t really looking for anything. I felt his gaze off and on as I straightened various displays and swept the floor in preparation for the next morning.

  I had managed to avoid the couple mainly because of my job. I made sure to bring my meals from home so I didn’t go to the diner to eat, as I normally would. Any shopping I had to do, I went to the next town, just to keep the peace. What could I really say anyway?

  The sixth time I caught Sean staring, I said, “Look, man. I know you have something to say, so go ahead and get it over with so I can go home and crash. What do you want to know about me and Beebub?” I leaned against a wall near where he stood.

  He blushed a deep red that clashed with his hair, but gave me a sheepish smile all the same. “I apologize for being so obvious. I get so jealous of guys who’ve been close to Beebub, and it’s probably not healthy. I just can’t seem to help it.” He ran a hand over his hair, which kept its shape. Loved his hair products, apparently. “It’s not questions, not really. Just…Men have been chasing Beel for years. I knew all about him before we even met. He was a legend in school, screwed everything male he could find. He was out, proud and loud, and everybody wanted a piece of that. I mean, goddamn. Who wouldn’t? And then we got together, and I fell in love…I didn’t know how long I could keep his attention on me, but so far, I’m still here.”

  Sean sighed. “Then I meet you, and you’re all he talks about, and even though you’re deliberately keeping your distance, I can tell when someone has deep feelings, especially for Beel. You still care for him, and here he comes to town, with me in tow, and he doesn’t get it. Which, I must admit, fills me with relief.”

  He looked me in the eye, and damn it, I had to respect the man a tiny bit. “I’m sorry. I know this is difficult for you, but it’s hard for me, too. I overreact and become territorial because I know what I’ve got, and I think I’d lose it if Beel left me.”

  That didn’t sound healthy at all.

  Sean cleared his throat. “Well…that was all I wanted to say.” He backed toward the door. “We’ll be here another few days, and then we have to get back. Jobs, and such. The real world, you know?”

  I followed him to the door. “I appreciate
your candor. You don’t have to worry about me. I never poach someone else’s stuff.” No matter how badly I might want to, despite my misgivings. “Beebub wanted to be gone long before he left here. He seems to have found his comfort zone elsewhere. The days of Beebub and me hanging out and painting the town in rainbow colors are long gone. He has you, now, and I wish you luck.”

  I locked the door in this face, turning the sign to “Closed.”

  As I drove home later that night, I thought about Sean and the way his heart would break should Beebub move on to…anyone, really. Did my childhood friend even realize what was at stake? Was it any of my business to interfere?

  * * * *

  The night before Sean and Beebub left, Marlene invited me to dinner. We hadn’t seen each other much since my dad died and she was busy with her in-home consulting business, too. I could have walked over to visit. Or called. But it was too tempting to ask about Beebub and I hadn’t wanted to go down that road.

  I knocked on the open front door and called, “Anybody home?” like I had always done growing up. I wandered through the living room, smiling at the pictures of all of us scattered across the walls. There was a big one, front and center over the faded couch that had Dad and Marlene cheek to cheek in each other’s arms, smiling at the camera, while Beebub stood behind them, resplendent in purple, a head taller with his arms around them. I was in front squatting and grinning, my hair in a big afro.

  It made me tear up to see us all together like that, one big happy family. And now, it was gone. I blinked my eyes dry and headed to the kitchen, getting the vase I knew was under the sink and filling it with water. I could hear voices outside, Beebub’s booming above everyone else’s as I arranged the daisies I had bought and put them on the table.

  I headed outside, an attempt at a smile on my face.

  Marlene saw me first and hurried over to give me a hug, and kiss me on the forehead. “Thanks for coming,” she said before stepping back. The way her eyes searched my face was familiar. She had a bullshit meter a mile long, which had come in handy, I was sure, when she was sheriff. “Are you going to be okay with this?” she asked, her voice low.

  I looked over her shoulder to see Sean and Beebub chasing each other in the field beyond. “I’ll be fine.” I stepped around her and walked to the barbecue grill. “Chicken and corn? What happened to the steak?”

  “Sean doesn’t eat red meat.” My upper lip curled at that, but I didn’t say anything. Marlene caught my expression, though, and her face seemed to echo the sentiment. I knew Beebub loved his steak and hamburgers, so it was interesting that he’d accommodated his boyfriend’s preferences to such an extent. “Must be love,” I thought sourly.

  I helped Marlene with preparing the rest of the meal, and when it was ready, she yelled for the others to join us at the picnic table.

  The lovebirds sat on one side, leaving the other to Marlene and me. I listened to the three of them converse, focusing on my food, and swatting at the occasional fly.

  Beebub told stories from college, which had me choking—unwillingly, you understand—with laughter every now and then. Marlene just shook her head, and smiled indulgently. Sean added a few tales of his own, and everyone was suitably entertained throughout the meal.

  After dessert, Marlene told Beebub and me to go wash dishes while she got Sean to help her outside. Sean didn’t look very happy about that, but Marlene didn’t give him a choice, either. Inside, Beebub dried while I washed, just like we had done when we were younger.

  “You planning on working in that music store forever?” Beebub said as he put away the plates.

  “Probably.” I scrubbed gently at a spot in the pan.

  “You ever plan to talk to me longer than a sentence or two?” He had the nerve to sound exasperated.

  I scrubbed harder. “To say what, Beebub? You’ve moved on, built a new life. I stayed here and took care of my dad and picked up the pieces when he was gone. I never finished school because it wasn’t important anymore. You stopped writing, which I took to mean that what we had, whatever you want to call it, was over.”

  “How the hell can you even say that?” He slammed the pot he’d dried onto the counter and faced me, hands on his hips. “Is this you being jealous, like you accused Sean of being, because I made a success of things, while you settled?”

  “Oh, so now I’m the small-town bumpkin who didn’t have any ambition? Fuck you, you arrogant prick! Take your goddamn fancy city degree and boyfriend and shove them up your ass. And by the way, you better watch out for Sean. He’s not that stable when it comes to you, and someone might get hurt.”

  Beebub scoffed. “Make this about Sean, if you want, but I know you were in love with me in high school, and you can’t stand that someone else got what you always wanted. I never knew you for a coward.”

  Those words cut deep. Beebub had never been cruel, but I guess he’d learned a lot in the city. And just for that, I popped him one in the nose, hard enough it bled all over his expensive-looking shirt.

  “Shit!” he cried, hands covering his nose as he whined about the pain.

  “Still think I’m a fucking coward?” I stalked out of the house, barely holding the tears inside, my hand throbbing.

  Marlene came around the corner as I made it to the bottom of the steps, concern and sympathy written all over her face.

  I raised a hand and said, “Thanks for dinner. It was good to see you, but I can’t stay.”

  I practically ran down the lane to my house and holed up in my bedroom, window closed and locked, curtains pulled tight.

  If that was what Beebub thought of me after all these years, if that was what he had become, he could go to hell. I was done. He could rot for all I cared.

  * * * *

  Age 32

  “You need anything else done?” I asked Marlene as I put the last of the wood I’d chopped on top of the pile. It was the day before Thanksgiving, and a storm had already dumped snow on the ground.

  “This is fine, Gabe. Thank you. I would have done it, but my back’s been acting up lately.” Marlene had osteoporosis, and she hunched over a little more every year. We both knew she couldn’t lift an axe anymore, but I didn’t mention it.

  I wiped the sweat off my brow and stretched my back. “It’s my pleasure, you know that.” I followed her into the house, removing my boots and leaving them just inside the door. “I’ll make us some coffee, shall I?” I said as I removed my gloves and set them on the kitchen table.

  “Sounds wonderful.” I heard her moving about as I found the kettle and filled it with water. “Gabe, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?”

  I shrugged. “At the house with turkey sandwiches, same as usual. But if you need company, I’ll come over. Just let me know.” I knew Beebub visited her around the holidays, and I tended to stay out of his way, as much as possible. I hadn’t forgiven him for what he’d said to me all those years ago. I’d even attempted dating to put him out of my mind.

  “What happened with you and Sonny? I thought that had been going so well,” she said after I poured coffee for both of us.

  “He met the love of his life one town over and plans to move within a week.”

  We were quiet for a while, letting the hot liquid warm us. “You know, Beebub has changed.” I snorted, but she kept on. “He feels really bad about whatever it was that happened between the two of you that ended up in a broken nose. Nice punch, by the way. I taught you well.”

  I grunted. “I haven’t heard him say it.”

  She rolled her eyes. “As if you ever gave him a chance to talk to you in all the years since. You’re like a damn chipmunk whenever he’s in town. First hole you find, you’re buried in it. You’re still in love with him.”

  I vehemently shook my head. “I’ve had relationships. I own the music store now, and expanded it. I give music lessons, put on festivals the town never had before. I’m not a goddamn failure, and I’ll never forgive him for that implication.” I probably sounded
like I was trying to justify myself, and that was just sad.

  “Gabriel.” Marlene used the tone that announced she was pissed off. “You need to let that go.” She sighed and tucked a strand of gray hair behind an ear. “He’ll be here tomorrow. It would be nice if you could stop by, just to say hello.”

  I stood and took our empty cups to the sink, rinsed them, then stuck them in the dishwasher. “Sorry, I have a previous engagement.” With my TV tray and a few DVDs. “You all have a nice visit.”

  “Gabe,” Marlene called as I put on my shoes and left through the back door, but I couldn’t stay.

  * * * *

  Day after Thanksgiving

  The store was busy, which was a good thing, especially as I was still paying down the loan I’d taken out to do the expansion. People from surrounding towns came here to shop, and I felt proud of the reputation that had built over the years.

  Emma was on the register, and I had just finished helping a customer with banjo strings when I heard a few gasps from the customers. Worried that there was a problem, I slid from behind the counter and headed to see what was going on.

  To say I was shocked would be an understatement. The Beebub I saw staring at the floor before me wore loose jeans and a black leather jacket over a pale lavender turtleneck. He was a shadow of his former self, his body slimmer than I’d ever seen it, and his face…a crude “X” had been carved into his skin on both cheeks, the edges jagged. He’d been viciously marked by someone. Shit.

  His appearance reminded me of the day we met, when the kids had pushed him into the street and he’d almost been run over by a car. That air of dejection, the pain that had radiated off Beebub then was damn near the same now, minus the tears. Though he looked like he might cry any second now. It hurt my heart.

  Whatever the problems between us, I couldn’t stand to see him standing there so…broken.

  I shooed away everyone and stood before him. “Beebub…are you all right?”