by Maria Realf
They made their way along the footpath, the sweet scent of summer jasmine filling the air. ‘So did you find this place OK?’ she asked, grasping for words. She’d spent years imagining all the clever remarks she’d make to Alex if he ever tried to get in touch, but now that he was beside her, she suddenly didn’t know what to say.
‘Yes,’ he said. ‘It’s a great spot. I can see why you like it.’
‘I used to come here all the time after I left uni,’ she told him. After you left me, remember? ‘But I haven’t been back for a while. It kind of looks the same.’
‘I guess some things don’t really change,’ he said, giving her a sideways glance. She looked away and fixed her eyes firmly on the track in front, stepping over a broken branch that was lying in wait.
‘Most things do,’ she muttered, not sure where all of this was going. She stared down at the rose in her left hand. What’s he up to? It didn’t make sense. OK, so there were moments when she still felt a flicker of something between them, but he couldn’t seriously think that she’d just upend her new life for him now, could he?
‘So,’ he said, as if reading her mind, ‘you’re probably wondering why we’re here.’
‘Yes, I am actually. You haven’t even told me why you’re back in the country. Is it for work?’
He stopped and turned to face her, running a hand over his shaved head. ‘No, I’m taking a break,’ he said. ‘I had some things I needed to sort out … and I really wanted to talk to you.’
‘What, you couldn’t use Skype?’
‘I needed to talk to you in person.’ His slate eyes, usually so seductive, now looked sad and tired. ‘I want to say that I’m sorry for the way things ended between us—’
‘Well, it would have been pretty hard to keep it going with you 6,000 miles away.’
‘Can you please hear me out for a minute?’ She noticed his hand was shaking, and she bit her lip. ‘I’m trying to apologise here, Lizzie. I made a big mistake, and it’s one I’ve had to live with every day since. But that doesn’t mean I ever …’ He paused, staring at the ground. ‘That I ever stopped caring.’
Lizzie’s heart began to beat wildly. Why is he telling me this now? For a second she felt glued to the spot, but then she forced her feet to resume walking. Alex followed, striding alongside her.
‘If you cared that much, why didn’t you ever – oh, I don’t know – maybe email or pick up the phone?’ she snapped.
‘I’ve been asking myself the same question,’ he said. ‘I wanted to … loads of times. But the longer I left it, the harder it got. It took me ages to properly sort myself out.’
‘OK, so why not contact me then?’
‘I was going to, about four years ago. I found you on Facebook, and I thought I’d sign up and send you a message. See if you wanted to talk to me.’
Huh? ‘I don’t get it. What changed your mind?’
‘You did,’ he replied quietly. ‘You’d posted these photos of you with some other guy. It was pretty obvious he was your new boyfriend.’ He winced. ‘You looked so happy. I figured you must have moved on and wouldn’t want me messing up your life again.’ He gestured to the sparkling engagement ring on her finger. ‘Anyway, I can see I was right about that.’
Lizzie spun round abruptly. ‘How could you say that to me, Alex? I spent years waiting to hear from you. Years! Every time my phone rang and it was a blocked number, I nearly had a heart attack. But how long did you think I could keep hanging around? My whole life?’
He stiffened, looking shocked. For a second, it felt as though the whole garden had been switched to silent, until a noisy magpie swooped past.
Alex took a deep breath. ‘I’ve really screwed things up, haven’t I?’ he said sadly. ‘I’m sorry.’ He tried to take her hands, but she snatched them away, dropping the rose in her haste. ‘I’m sorry I was such a mess. I’m sorry I didn’t call. And mostly I’m just sorry I ever left you in the first place.’
Hot tears pricked at her eyes. ‘I still don’t get it. If you felt that way, why didn’t you just come home?’
‘I don’t know.’ He bent his head. ‘It crossed my mind a lot, but I guess I couldn’t stand the thought of … of having you hate me.’
‘I didn’t hate you!’ she exploded. ‘I was completely in love with you, you idiot! But you can’t just abandon somebody like that when you’ve been planning your whole life together and not even say goodbye …’ She trailed off, afraid she might cry as years of hurt came tumbling out.
‘Oh, Lizzie …’ Alex’s eyes welled up too. ‘I’ve missed you so much. Tell me how to make it up to you.’
‘You can’t,’ she shouted. ‘You’re too late! It’s not something you can just fix with flowers.’
‘I get that.’
‘Clearly you don’t, or we wouldn’t be here …’ Frustration mixed with anger and regret rushed through her. Her legs suddenly felt like they might give way at any moment, and she took a shaky step back.
‘Whoa,’ said Alex, reaching out to steady her. ‘You OK?’
‘I’m fine,’ she lied, feeling hot and dizzy. ‘I didn’t have much lunch, that’s all.’
‘Let’s sit down for a sec.’ He steered her gently to a nearby bench, wrapping one arm protectively around her shoulders before she could tell him to stop. The nearness of him was unnervingly intimate yet comfortingly familiar. He still smelled the same as the first night she’d met him, like his old leather jacket, but without the coconut.
She sat on the warm wood, trying to catch her breath. Her heartbeat was racing like she’d just put in an hour at the gym.
‘Try lowering your head between your knees,’ said Alex, settling down beside her.
‘I’m alright.’ She checked her watch. ‘I need to get going soon.’
‘This was a bad idea,’ he sighed, leaning forwards. ‘I didn’t come here to upset you. That’s the last thing I want.’
‘So why did you come?’
‘To talk.’ He seemed pained now, rubbing his forehead. ‘I was hoping for a chance to make things right between us, Lizzie.’
‘Why now? Did someone tell you I was getting married?’
‘What? No!’ He seemed so surprised that she believed him. ‘I didn’t even know you were engaged until I saw you wearing a ring at the ball.’
‘So what, then? After all this time, you suddenly woke up one morning and decided you want to be friends?’
‘Would that be so terrible?’ He swatted away a large fly that dared to descend onto his leg.
‘No, I guess not …’ she stuttered, though she wondered what Josh might have to say about it. ‘But honestly, what’s the point? My life’s here and you’ll be leaving again soon, anyway.’
Alex’s head jerked up. ‘I’m not going back to Thailand. Not for a while, at least. Maybe never.’
‘What? Why?’ Her confusion came back with a vengeance. ‘Has something happened?’
Alex looked uneasy. ‘Maybe we should talk about this some other time. When we’re both less emotional.’
‘No! Let’s talk about it now,’ Lizzie pushed. ‘I can’t keep walking around with all these questions in my head, Alex. What’s going on that you had to fly halfway round the world to tell me?’
He let out a long sigh.
‘Lizzie, I’ve got cancer,’ he said.
16
23 July 2004
Lizzie squeezed into the foyer, scanning the packed room for the rest of the Jackson clan. It was hard to find anyone when all the graduates were dressed alike, a moving black wall in their gowns and mortarboards, surrounded by beaming parents. This will be me and Megan next year, she thought with a smile. Mum and Dad are going to be so excited.
But today was Alex’s day, and she couldn’t wait to watch him collect his degree, a 2:1 he’d worked so hard for. The only problem was that Mrs Jackson had the tickets, and now Lizzie couldn’t find the family anywhere. She reached into her clutch and pulled out her mobile to ring Andi. The
call went straight to voicemail.
Just then everything went dark, as a pair of large hands covered her eyes. ‘Guess who?’ said a familiar deep voice.
‘Hmmm … Ryan Gosling?’
‘Who?’
‘That guy from The Notebook.’
‘Nope. Haven’t seen it. Try again.’
‘Brad Pitt?’
Alex laughed. ‘Don’t get your hopes up.’ He lowered his hands and spun her round into a tight hug, the folds of his gown almost enveloping her. She stepped back to get a proper look at him.
‘Check you out!’ she said, thinking she must have the hottest boyfriend there. The long, flowing robe matched his wavy hair, and he’d shaved for the occasion. She brushed her fingers lightly along his smooth jaw. ‘How come everyone else looks like a penguin and you look like a superhero?’
‘Really? I feel kind of stupid.’
‘No, you look great!’
‘So do you,’ he replied, admiring the burgundy wrap dress she’d bought with her birthday money and been saving specially for today. It felt good to finally get a chance to show it off; plus Megan would be happy it had now made its debut, seeing as she’d spent the past month trying to swipe it. He pulled her back towards him and bent down for a kiss, which was harder with the headgear. His normally stubbled chin felt soft against her skin.
‘Hey, you two, get a freakin’ room!’ squealed a voice from behind. They broke apart and saw Andi running over, throwing her arms around them both. ‘Go on then, let’s have a peek at the graduate …’
‘Don’t be soft,’ said Alex, embarrassed.
Andi ignored him, surveying his outfit. ‘You look well posh,’ she declared. ‘But you sort of pull it off.’
Seconds later, his parents filed in, looking smart and a bit out of breath. ‘Oh Alex, I’m so sorry …’ puffed his mum, smoothing down her polka-dot dress. ‘I wanted to be here half an hour ago, but the hairdresser took ages.’ She patted her heavily lacquered do, which must have been as hard as a mortarboard. I hope there are no open flames at this ceremony, thought Lizzie.
Alex leaned over to give his mum a kiss. ‘Don’t you look handsome?’ she said proudly. ‘We need to get lots of pictures later.’ She turned to Lizzie and pecked her on the cheek, the powerful rose notes of her perfume wafting through the air. ‘And how are you, sweetheart? I hope you weren’t waiting long.’
‘No, I’d only just got here myself,’ said Lizzie. She moved round to give his dad a hug. ‘Hi, how are you?’
‘Fine, thanks,’ bellowed Mr Jackson before she could extricate her eardrums to safety. He greeted Alex too, then undid his grey suit jacket. ‘Warm in here, isn’t it?’
‘I think it’s cos we’ve been rushing, Dad,’ said Andi. ‘But I saw a vending machine by the entrance if you want to grab a drink.’
‘Yes, I might,’ he shouted. ‘Anyone else want one? No? Back in a minute.’
Alex looked around the room, squinting. ‘Where’s Connor?’ he said eventually.
‘What? Oh, he’s outside, having a smoke,’ said his mum. ‘I keep nagging him to stop, but you know Connor. He never listens.’
‘What’s going on with you two, anyway?’ piped up Andi.
Alex’s face fell. ‘Why, what’s he said?’
‘Nothing, but I can tell something’s up. He’s been acting strange for weeks. And he said he didn’t want a leaving party before he goes away. When did Connor ever turn down a party?’
‘Andi …’ said her mum, silencing her with a dart of the eyes.
‘What? You said yourself you thought it was weird!’
‘Today’s not the day.’
Andi closed her mouth just as Connor strode into view, looking awkward in a navy blazer over dark jeans. It was about as dressed up as Lizzie had ever seen him, though he hadn’t bothered to shave.
‘Were your ears burning?’ asked Andi. ‘We were just talking about—’ She broke off as Mrs Jackson administered a discreet kick to the ankle.
‘What?’ he said.
‘Nothing. We were just wondering where you’d got to,’ said his mum, reaching out to straighten his lapel.
Connor flinched. ‘Mum, it’s fine. Stop fussing.’ He nodded in their direction. ‘Alright?’
‘Yes, thanks,’ said Alex. ‘It’s good to see you. I’m glad you came.’
‘Yeah, well, I don’t really think Mum would let any of us miss it.’ He forced a hollow laugh, but his eyes were flat.
‘Hi, Connor,’ said Lizzie. ‘How’s things?’
‘Busy. Got a lot to get ready before I go away.’
‘Where are you flying to first?’ said Alex.
‘Malaysia, then Cambodia, then over to see Jeff in Thailand. It’s going to be wild.’ He glared at his twin. ‘Shame you’ll miss all the fun.’
Just then Mr Jackson returned, clutching a bottle of water. ‘One pound fifty!’ he barked. ‘One fifty! For water …’
‘Ssshh, Frank, keep your voice down,’ said Mrs Jackson. ‘People will hear you.’
‘I hope they do hear me!’ he said. ‘Someone ought to say something.’
‘Not now.’ She placed one hand gently on his arm and all the hot air seemed to drain out of him, like she was deflating a rubber ring.
‘Alright, everyone!’ shouted a lady in a pink suit who Lizzie didn’t recognise. Half the room continued to chatter away, so she dinged a glass with a pen and tried again. ‘Excuse me. EXCUSE ME!’ An expectant hush rippled through the crowd. ‘Right, the ceremony is going to start in ten minutes, so please can all our guests start taking your seats now? The graduates will need to come with me.’
‘Here we go, then,’ said Alex. ‘I’d better follow this lot.’
‘Alright son, good luck,’ said his dad, suddenly looking a bit misty-eyed.
‘Break a leg!’ added his mum, straightening his cap.
‘I think that’s in the theatre, Mum,’ he said with a smile. ‘But I’ll do my best.’
‘Have you been perfecting your walk-and-wave technique?’ teased Lizzie.
‘Yeah, for weeks,’ he laughed, planting a kiss on her cheek. ‘I’m nearly at royal level now.’
The pink-suited woman was flapping her arms nearby, shepherding the remaining graduates into line. ‘Right, I’d better go,’ said Alex. ‘Catch you all afterwards.’ He turned and followed the stream of students, disappearing into the throng.
‘OK, then, I think we’re this way,’ said Mrs Jackson, fumbling around in her handbag for the tickets. ‘Now I know I packed them this morning … ah, yes, here you go.’ She pulled them out and handed them one each. ‘Shall we get up to our seats?’
‘Fine,’ sighed Connor.
What’s his problem? wondered Lizzie, as they climbed the stairs. Surely he’s not still sulking about the whole travelling thing? She’d hoped he would have calmed down by now, but if anything he seemed more moody. He needs to get over it.
When they reached the top, she deliberately slowed her pace, allowing him to file into his seat after his sister and parents as she perched on the end. It would be harder for him to ignore her if they were seated together.
‘So,’ she said brightly, turning to face him, ‘what’s new with you?’
‘Not much.’
‘Still working at the gym?’
‘For now.’
‘When do you go on your trip?’
‘Soon,’ he said, staring straight ahead. ‘About six weeks.’
‘You must be excited …’
‘Yeah.’ He looked about as excited as her dad putting out the bins. This is going to be tougher than I thought.
‘How long are you away for?’
‘I don’t know. Till I run out of money, I guess.’ He reached inside his pocket and pulled out a bag of Maltesers, opened the top and offered them to his parents. Then he tipped a few into his hand, twisted the wrapper and slipped it back into his blazer.
She decided to change tack. ‘Look, Connor, if I’ve done something to o
ffend you, then let’s talk about it. But if you’re blanking me because Alex isn’t going travelling, you need to know that was all his decision. It had nothing to do with me.’
Connor was quiet for a second, crunching a chocolate between his teeth. ‘You might not have chained him to the sink,’ he muttered eventually, ‘but trust me, it has everything to do with you.’
His words needled her, but even as she tried to refute them, the grain of truth in there lodged in her throat. Alex would be going away if it wasn’t for her, and all three of them knew it.
What do I do now?
Before Lizzie could say anything else, the university band struck up and the audience erupted into applause. There was no escaping for at least two hours now. She was well and truly stuck: trapped with a guy who hated her guts and a head full of questions she couldn’t answer.
As the sun began to dip, the class of 2004 were still having photos taken in the courtyard outside, throwing their mortarboards into the air and grinning wildly. Alex was laughing with his coursemates, looking happy and carefree; his future stretched out before him like an open road. Lizzie felt as though she was watching a beautiful butterfly prepare to take off, unaware that a glass jar was descending overhead.
We really need to talk about this trip.
She knew today wasn’t the right time, but she would have to speak to him soon. Her stomach tightened anxiously. She didn’t know what she was afraid of more: that they might grow apart if he left, or that he might resent her if he stayed. She knew she didn’t want to be that girl, the one who stood in his way, and yet the thought of not seeing him for a year made her feel physically sick.
‘I’m not sure about those hats,’ said Andi, nodding at the students. ‘Seems a bit strange to me that on the one day you’re having a million pictures taken, you wear something that totally squishes your hair.’
‘I guess so,’ said Lizzie absent-mindedly.
‘You OK? You seem a bit quiet.’
‘I’m alright,’ she sighed. ‘I’ve just got a bit of a headache. It was pretty stuffy in there.’
‘Oh, I thought maybe Connor had said something to upset you,’ Andi replied. ‘I was just going to say don’t pay any attention to him. He’s been grumpy for weeks.’