by Maria Realf
Lizzie looked at her uneasily. ‘Do you think it’s because Alex isn’t going travelling?’
‘Maybe.’ Andi shrugged. ‘He doesn’t exactly get all deep and meaningful with me. But I wouldn’t worry about it too much. He’ll come round.’
‘You reckon?’
‘Yeah. He sulked for, like, the entire summer when Alex said he was going away to uni. I think it’s the whole twin thing.’ Oh, great. ‘But, you know, I’m sure some time apart will do them good. They’ve got to cut the cord eventually, right?’
Lizzie knew that she was only trying to help, but every word that came out of Andi’s mouth just made her feel worse. She nodded half-heartedly and waved at Alex, who was now jogging towards them, his dark cloak billowing in the summer breeze.
‘So how are my favourite girls doing?’ he said playfully, taking off his headgear and letting his sister try it on.
‘I’m kind of hungry,’ replied Andi. ‘Dad’s promised to take us to that nice steak place in town. Are you nearly done here?’
‘Sure – food sounds good. Lizzie, you in?’
The thought of spending the night cooped up round a table with Connor annihilated her appetite. ‘Actually, I’m not feeling so hot,’ she said. ‘I think I should head back. But you guys should definitely go out and enjoy yourselves.’
‘You sure?’ said Andi.
‘Yeah. Thanks anyway. Have a great night.’
‘OK. Hope you feel better soon.’ She wrapped Lizzie in a warm hug. ‘I’ll go and find the folks, tell them the plan.’
‘Alright,’ said Alex. ‘Can you put my cap in the boot, carefully? It’s got to go back to the hire place.’ He waited until she’d gone, then fixed his eyes on Lizzie. ‘Are you OK? You seemed fine when I left you earlier.’
‘Yeah, I know. I just got a headache all of a sudden.’ It was sort of true. A big Connor-shaped headache.
‘Did something happen?’ He looked concerned.
‘No, nothing.’ Alex wasn’t buying it, she could tell. A lifetime of being a twin had given him heightened powers of intuition.
‘Something’s going on. It’s Connor, isn’t it?’
She felt like a murder suspect being grilled down at the station. ‘It’s nothing. Everything’s fine.’
‘You can tell me.’ He put his hands gently on her shoulders. ‘What exactly did he do?’
‘He didn’t do anything,’ she whispered, not wanting to spark another row between the brothers. ‘We were just talking about his trip, and it made me realise that …’ She paused, choosing her words cautiously. ‘That I’ve never asked how you feel about not going with him.’
‘And you want to ask me now?’ Alex lowered his arms, looking puzzled.
‘No, not here. Not like this. I’m just saying I think we need to have that conversation. Maybe I could come over tomorrow, after your family’s gone back?’
‘What’s to discuss? I already told Connor I’m not going.’
‘I know,’ she said, suddenly remembering she wasn’t meant to have overheard that conversation after her birthday. ‘Er, I mean … I figured. But I don’t want you to look back one day and think that you missed out.’
‘On what? There’ll be other trips.’
‘Maybe. But maybe not like this.’ She paused. ‘Look, I wish I could tell you that we’ll go off round the world together when I graduate, but the truth is I don’t think I can. Not unless you want to sedate me every time we get on a plane.’
‘I’m not with you for your air miles,’ he said, his eyes shining. ‘I’m with you because I love you. Even when you’re not making any sense.’
‘I know. But I don’t want you to end up resenting me because you think I held you back.’
‘That’s not going to happen,’ he said, tilting his head quizzically. ‘But I don’t get what’s going on here. When I told you about all this last year you seemed really upset. Now you’re suddenly shipping me off?’
‘I was upset,’ she admitted, slipping her arms around his waist. ‘I don’t want to be apart for a year. I’d totally hate it. But I don’t want you to stay purely for me.’
‘I’m not staying for you,’ he said quietly. ‘I’m staying for us. Because I think we’ve got a real shot at something here, Lizzie – and that’s way more exciting to me than another stamp in my passport.’
Her heartbeat began to quicken. She looked up at him, his breath cool against her face. ‘Are you sure? Because I’m trying to say that if you really want to go, there’ll still be an us. You don’t have to choose between me and Connor.’
Alex frowned. ‘What brought this on? Did he say that to you?’
‘He didn’t have to,’ she sighed. ‘It’s pretty obvious he’s not my biggest fan at the moment.’
‘Well, then, that’s his problem, not ours.’ Alex kissed the top of her head. ‘Look Lizzie, there’s no point us having this conversation now. Six months ago, maybe – but I can’t go at this short notice. I’d need more money, plus I already told Joe I’ll stay on at the bar until your course finishes.’
‘So that’s it? Decision made?’ She felt bad about the relief that washed over her.
‘That’s it. And I’m fine with it.’
‘What about Connor?’
‘Connor will just have to deal with it.’
‘Deal with what?’ said a loud voice behind Alex, causing them to break apart. Lizzie took a step back. She had been so caught up in their discussion she hadn’t spotted Connor coming towards them.
‘Nothing,’ said Alex. ‘What’s up?’
‘Mum sent me to get you. She’s only got another ten minutes on the meter.’
‘OK. I’ll be there in a second.’
‘What, so you can talk about me some more?’ Connor grumbled. ‘Why don’t we save some time and you can say whatever it is to my face?’
‘I’m not doing this now,’ said Alex. ‘Let’s just get in the car and we can talk about it later.’
‘Oh, are you coming with me or waiting for her?’ asked Connor drily.
‘Leave Lizzie out of it,’ said Alex. ‘If you’re pissed off at me that’s one thing, but stop taking it out on her. I know you’ve been saying stuff.’
She felt Connor glare at her like she was some kind of snitch. Thanks a lot, Alex. Like that’ll help. Then he turned back to his brother.
‘I’m not pissed at you,’ he snapped. ‘I feel sorry for you. You used to be a laugh, but these days you might as well be middle-aged. You’re basically becoming Dad.’
Alex bristled. ‘What, and your life’s so great? Sleeping with a different girl every weekend and trying to remember her name in the morning?’
‘I only forgot once …’
‘Yeah, and who gave you the money to call her a cab?’
‘This isn’t about money, Alex. This is about you bailing on me. Who ditches their own brother?’
‘I’m not ditching you,’ said Alex. ‘I’m just not coming on one trip with you, that’s all. We’ll do something together when you get back.’
‘What, you, me and Lizzie on a cosy camping break? Or maybe we could all go for a nice spa day?’
‘Hey,’ said Lizzie. ‘Stop being a jerk. I’m right here, you know.’
‘I know,’ said Connor. ‘That’s my point. You’re always here.’
‘That’s enough!’ yelled Alex, rounding on his brother. ‘Just shut up! I’m sick of feeling caught in the middle between you two. This is supposed to be my graduation day, and you’re ruining it.’
‘I didn’t even want to come,’ muttered Connor. ‘The whole thing was boring.’
‘Well, in that case, sod off to the pub while the rest of us get something to eat. I can’t keep having this argument with you.’
‘You sod off,’ sulked Connor, his nostrils flaring. He skulked back off to the car like a sullen teenager, his hands shoved firmly in his pockets.
Lizzie turned her attention back to Alex. A reddish tinge had swept across his features,
as if an extension of the summer sky.
‘I’m sorry,’ she said softly, reaching for his hand. ‘I didn’t mean for things to kick off, and I really didn’t mean to spoil your day. You know how proud I am.’
‘I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t let him get to me like that.’ He leaned down for a kiss. ‘Are you sure I can’t tempt you out for dinner? It’s a really good restaurant.’
‘No, it’s OK,’ she replied. ‘You should go and celebrate with your family tonight. Let’s give Connor a bit of space.’
‘Alright.’ Alex’s forehead was creased with frustration. ‘I just wish he’d calm down about this whole thing.’
‘He will.’
‘What, when hell freezes over?’
‘Maybe not as fast as that,’ she smiled. ‘But I’m sure it’ll happen eventually.’
17
5 weeks to go …
Lizzie stood on the pool edge, staring over the side of the deep end. Her reflection fragmented with each ripple of the water, a fragile replica bobbing along on an ever-shifting surface. I know how you feel, she told the floating doppelganger. Suddenly a stocky boy with red shorts and an even redder face ran up alongside her and divebombed in with a splash, causing the mirror image to shatter.
‘Stop that!’ shouted the lifeguard, blowing his whistle zealously. The boy emerged laughing, not paying any attention. His dark hair was splayed out across the top of his head like a drowning spider.
Lizzie waited for the swell to settle. Then she raised her arms and plunged into the pool, the cool water engulfing her as she broke the surface and settled into a steady front crawl. She didn’t come swimming as much as she used to, what with work and all the wedding prep, but whenever she managed to fit in a session she always felt at home. Alex was right. I guess some things don’t change.
Except, of course, that everything had changed for Alex. And she couldn’t stop thinking about the bombshell he’d dropped in the park.
When he told her that he had a brain tumour, she didn’t know what to say. The first thought that crossed her mind was that it might be a twisted joke, but that didn’t make any sense and, besides, he wasn’t laughing. She wanted to say something meaningful, something that would fill the silence to offer comfort, support and compassion.
‘Fuuuuuck’ was all that came out.
He tried to smile. ‘Well, that’s the best reaction I’ve had so far. Most people either cry or pretend everything’s going to be OK.’
‘Oh, Alex …’ Lizzie’s insides went into freefall. ‘How bad is it?’
‘It’s not great. They say it’s low-grade at the moment, but it’s an awkward shape. So we’re just watching and waiting for now.’
What does that mean? Her mind was throwing up questions so fast she couldn’t think straight. ‘Why don’t they operate, take it out? There’s got to be something they can do, right? Lots of people recover from cancer these days.’
‘They will operate if it grows any bigger, but they’re not going to be able to get it all. It’s too embedded.’
‘Are they sure? Maybe you should see another specialist, get a second opinion …’
Alex stared at his shoes. ‘I’ve been to see two specialists here, Lizzie. They only confirmed what I’d already been told in Thailand. They can buy me more time, but they can’t cure it.’
She exhaled loudly, the sound of her breath echoing in her ears.
‘How long?’ she asked slowly.
‘Hard to say. Could be two years, could be twenty. Or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. No one really knows how long they’ve got, do they?’
Lizzie’s eyes brimmed with tears. ‘Surely there’s got to be something you could try? Doctors are coming up with new cutting-edge stuff all the time.’
He slid his arm around the back of the bench, squeezing her shoulder. ‘I don’t think that’s going to come fast enough for me,’ he said gently. ‘And I don’t want to spend whatever time I have left going in and out of hospital. I want to spend it with …’ He stopped and took a deep breath. ‘With my family, and the people who matter. That’s all. I’m not here to make any trouble for you.’
She wiped her eyes, feeling awful that he was the one consoling her and not the other way around. ‘So you’ve told the family, then?’
‘Yes,’ he sighed. ‘That wasn’t a good day.’
‘They must be distraught.’
‘Yeah. When I flew back they figured I had an announcement to make, but I guess they assumed I was getting engaged or something. They sure as hell weren’t expecting that one.’
‘I’m so sorry,’ she stuttered, still reeling with shock. ‘And there was me being a total bitch to you when you got back. I feel terrible.’
‘Don’t,’ he said. ‘I don’t want you to feel terrible. And I don’t want you to feel sorry for me, either.’ He hesitated. ‘I just wanted to see if we could start over, as friends?’
‘Sure,’ she said quietly, looking up through her wet lashes. ‘I think we could manage that.’
Lizzie stepped out of the leisure centre into the sunlight, thoughts of Alex still swimming in her head. Her hair hung loosely around her shoulders and she shook it slightly, hoping the fresh air would remove the faint smell of chlorine that her shampoo couldn’t quite erase. It was a beautiful July day: a bright blue sky dotted with a few wispy clouds. She pulled out her mobile and sent Alex a quick text.
How r u 2day? Thinking of u. Lizzie
Then she deleted it and typed the whole thing again in proper sentences. Megan always mocked her for not using text speak, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. It felt like a betrayal of writers everywhere.
Three seconds later, Alex called her.
‘Hey,’ she said. ‘I was just wondering how you were getting on. What are you up to this weekend?’
‘I’m in London, not too far from you,’ he said, his voice echoing slightly.
‘Oh, that’s cool,’ she said, straightening the strap on her top. ‘Anywhere nice?’
‘Actually, I’m in A&E.’
‘What?’
‘It’s nothing,’ he said quickly. ‘I was up in town yesterday for my hospital appointment, so I thought I’d stay over with my friend Sam for the evening.’
Lizzie didn’t know Sam. Is that a boy or a girl? she wondered before she could stop herself. ‘Right …’
‘Anyway, I was walking back to the Tube this morning when I had a bit of a seizure, and by the time I came round this nice lady had called an ambulance so they took me to the hospital to get checked over.’
‘Are you OK?’ She tightened her grip on the phone. ‘That sounds serious.’
‘I’ll be fine. It happens from time to time. But I hit my head on the way down, so the doctor says I shouldn’t be alone today.’ The line went silent for a second. ‘I hate to ask, but I don’t suppose there’s any chance you could come and hang out with me for a while, is there? I know you’re probably busy, but Sam’s at work and I didn’t know who else round here to call.’
‘Er, OK. Now? At the hospital?’
‘Well, we can move on someplace else,’ he laughed. ‘Maybe grab a bite? Sam says he can fetch me after six when his shift ends, then I can stay there another night.’
She checked the time on her phone. It was 1.45pm. ‘Alright. I’ve got the car so I’ll get there as quick as I can. Can you text me the postcode for the sat nav?’
‘No probs, I’ll do that now.’ He cleared his throat. ‘Thanks for doing this, Lizzie. Otherwise they might ring my mum and I’m worried she’ll drive up in a right state.’
‘No, there’s no need to do that,’ she said quickly, knowing poor Pamela would panic. She threw her swimming kit in the boot and shut it. ‘I’m already on my way.’
Lizzie pulled into the hospital car park, balking at the exorbitant short-stay prices. She shoved the sat nav in the glove box then fumbled around for the bag of coins she stashed in there. I hope Josh hasn’t been spending it all at the McDonald’s drive
-thru again.
She found the change, and to her relief there was enough for a few hours. She slipped it into the meter and popped the ticket on the dashboard, then grabbed her handbag and made her way inside the sprawling reception. The place was heaving, with doctors, nurses, patients and visitors all milling around in different directions. Finding Alex in here wasn’t going to be easy.
She pulled out her phone and fired off another text: I’m here. Where are you? x
A few seconds later, his reply popped up: Meet you by the front in 2 mins. x
She hovered by the main door, stopping to use some of the antibac gel on the wall. The stuff smelled of pure alcohol. It took her back to last night, when Josh had rolled in after a late one with the boys and then clambered into bed, showering her with boozy kisses. He’d been sleeping off his hangover when she slipped out this morning, but she wondered if she should send him a quick text to let him know she wouldn’t be home until later. Then she remembered he was planning to head to the pub to watch the Wimbledon match with Freddie. He probably wouldn’t even notice she hadn’t returned from the pool.
Seconds later the lift opened and Alex stepped out into the corridor, sporting butterfly stitches above his right eye. He waved and walked towards her.
‘Ouch, that looks sore,’ said Lizzie. ‘Is it deep?’
‘Nah, it’s just a scratch. I must’ve landed a bit funny.’ He handed her a leaflet on concussion with a list of scary-sounding symptoms in bold letters. ‘The doc said I should give you this, though, just in case I take a weird turn later.’
‘What, weirder than normal?’ she grinned.
‘Hey, you’re not supposed to pick on the patient. What’s a guy got to do for some TLC round here?’
‘Would you settle for some tea? I saw a café round the corner on my way in. We could go get a drink and some lunch.’ She caught sight of the large clock on the wall behind him. ‘Late lunch.’
‘Sounds good to me. I’m starving.’
They made their way out past the car park, taking a left at the end of the road and heading for the small parade of shops. The café looked like a bit of a greasy spoon, with a pillarbox-red door and walls the colour of eggyolk, but by this point Lizzie was so hungry she didn’t care.