The Ghost of Blue Ivy

by Parker Paige

  He seemed to pause for thought and said nothing. With a clueless look smeared across his face, Blue Ivy impatiently waited for him to answer. All the while she remembered the disrespectful words that fell from his mouth many nights ago, causing the anger to roar inside of her. It wasn’t as if she were a different person, she actually was a different person. She grabbed his face between her hands and witnessed the confusion and panic in his dark eyes.

  “Don’t disrespect me. Don’t ever disrespect me.”

  Wide eyed with a frenzied gaze, he yanked her hand from his face and said, “What?”

  “You bring me here, you hardly know me, and you expect me to fuck you? Where are your manners? Didn’t your mother teach you better than that?”

  “What the hell are you talking about?”

  “You know damn well what I’m talking about.” She descended off the bed, grabbed her dress from the floor and pulled it over her head, her mouth twisted in fury.

  Rod unbuckled the belt from around his neck and sat up, a paralyzed look plastered on his face. “Are you okay?”

  She was just about to slide into her boots when her mood miraculously changed. Only this time she deescalated from rage to serene. “I’m fine. But I’ll tell you this...you should be careful who you let come home with you. You just never know.”

  Blue Ivy stood up, exerted a seriousness about her that could stop a train. The crippled look on his face told her all that she needed to know. He would never underestimate this woman, or any woman for that matter.

  Never again.

  Blue Ivy’s hands trembled as she came through the outside door of Rod’s apartment building. She risked and ventured much in coming to his place. But her mission was accomplished. She successfully branded him with the face of fear that would live inside his head for many days and nights to come. This one experience was not likely to alter his behavior, but for certain he would never disrespect her again. Even so, she surprised herself in the way she pulled off such a stunt. If she tried that stunt with anyone else, it could have turned really ugly. But she was lucky and smart.

  Somehow on a subconscious level, she could only win and come out on top.

  And she meant that literally.

  Episode 9

  TUESDAY EVENING, BLUE IVY AND LEE attended their weekly art class. When Blue Ivy slung her coat over her arm, a low cut red lace blouse was revealed, and Lee’s eyes nearly popped out of his head. “I know you’re going to wear a jacket or something,” he said.

  Enjoying every minute of the attention,” she said, “Why would I want to do that?”

  The disappointment on Lee’s face was almost disturbing.

  It wasn’t until Blue Ivy began unpacking her bag that she was aware that she was missing some of her art supplies, which she left at home.

  “I forgot my brushes,” she said to Lee. “Do you have one I could borrow?”

  Lee searched through his bag, but before he could find a brush for her, Blue Ivy was already in the face of another student, a gentleman in his fifties, wearing a plaid shirt.

  “Could you do me a huge favor?” Blue Ivy asked as she clasped her hands together like she was little Ms. Innocent. “Do you have an extra brush I could borrow?”

  He didn’t hesitate, didn’t blink an eye. “Here. Take mine,” he said as he handed her his brush.

  “What will you use?” she asked.

  “Don’t worry about me.”

  “Thanks, Honey.”

  No sooner than Blue Ivy reached the table where she left Lee, Lee stood up. “What the hell was that?”

  “What?”

  In a mocking tone, Lee said, “That Can you do me a huge favor bit.”

  Blue Ivy chuckled. “That was nothing.”

  “You don’t want to give people the wrong idea, do you?” Lee asked.

  “Maybe I do.”

  It seemed Lee was having a hard time adjusting to Blue Ivy’s new persona, which was too bad because she really liked the person that she had become.

  The next day at work, for a change of atmosphere, Blue Ivy sat in the lunchroom while she glanced over the revisions of a long document she had just completed.

  Camina soon strolled in, her hair longer and fuller than it was the day before. Camina’s eyes met briefly with Blue Ivy’s before Camina made her way over to the ice machine. Blue Ivy knew Camina would still be pissed about the comments Blue Ivy made about her precious Bruce Colby, and to add more heat to the burn, Blue Ivy spoke to Camina as if nothing happened. “Hi Camina.”

  Camina didn’t even look in Blue Ivy’s direction. Instead, she uttered something underneath her breath, and Blue Ivy could not understand one word. While Camina filled her glass with ice, Blue Ivy ogled her, all the while fishing her brain for some lewd comment to make to Camina, but nothing came to mind. Out of nowhere, Bruce entered the lunchroom, looking just as handsome as ever in his signature suspenders.

  He approached Camina fast and breezed right past Blue Ivy, not noticing her at all, probably for the sole purpose of not upsetting Camina.

  Bruce stood before Camina, holding several documents in his hand. “You think you could work a couple of hours late this evening, help me with this distribution?” Bruce asked Camina.

  “Actually, I’m supposed to meet a friend after work,” Camina said while looking at her watch.

  Not only was Blue Ivy not able to resist the urge to help, but she also wanted a chance to move closer to the one and only Bruce Colby. With that thought in mind, she stood up, approached Camina and Bruce at the ice machine.

  “Camina, if you have something to do, I can stay and help Bruce. I don’t have any plans this evening.”

  Both Bruce and Camina eyed Blue Ivy.

  “Thanks, Blue Ivy,” Bruce said. “I would really appreciate that.”

  “No problem.”

  Blue Ivy witnessed a sharp look of disapproval in Camina’s eyes, and Camina soon sang a different tune fast.

  “I’ll do it,” Camina said to Bruce.

  “What about your engagement?” Bruce asked Camina.

  “It’ll just have to wait.”

  Camina’s change of heart came as no surprise to Blue Ivy. There was just no way Camina was going to allow Blue Ivy the opportunity to work for her precious Bruce Colby.

  Bruce was about to leave the lunchroom when he double backed over to Blue Ivy. “Thanks anyway, Blue Ivy.”

  “If you ever need anyone to work late, just give me a call,” Blue Ivy said to Bruce. “I’m usually here late anyway.”

  “I’ll do that,” he stated firmly.

  Soon after Bruce disappeared from the lunchroom, Camina set her glass on the counter and stepped to Blue Ivy. “What do you think you’re doing?” Camina asked.

  “I was trying to do you a favor.”

  “No you weren’t.”

  Blue Ivy returned to the table, sat down and continued to work on her document. All the while, Camina stood over her, not saying a word. After several seconds, Blue Ivy looked up at her and said, “You’re too sensitive. That’s your problem.”

  “No, you’re full of shit. That’s the problem. I see what you’re trying to do, and I don’t like it.”

  “Well, I better mend my ways then, because Lord knows I live to please you.”

  “Don’t mock me, I’m not Laura. I’ll hurt you, you little witch.”

  “Witch?” Blue Ivy smiled, almost flattered. “Don’t you mean bitch?”

  “Bitch,” Camina said sharply.

  “Thank you,” Blue Ivy said.

  It was harmony to Blue Ivy’s ears knowing she stirred such anger in Camina.

  “You really think Bruce is interested in you?” Camina asked.

  “Why wouldn’t he be?”

  “Did you forget he is married?”

  “I didn’t forget and neither did you?”

  “Well, Bruce doesn’t need your help. That is what he has me for.”

  In a huff, Camina shuffled out of the lunchroom, but befo
re she made it through the door, Blue Ivy called to her as she rushed towards her. “Camina.”

  Camina didn’t turn around but she stopped in her tracks, giving Blue Ivy just enough time to catch up with her. Blue Ivy stood in front of her and ran her hands over her shoulder padded suit jacket. “You see, we have the same taste in clothes. And men.”

  Camina turned up her nose and stepped away. Blue Ivy could not help but laugh to herself. Finally, she delivered to Camina a dose of her own tactics, and it felt great.

  Monday afternoon, Blue Ivy sat across from Dr. Kern, her legs crossed as she absorbed the emotionless expression on his face.

  Why was he so quiet?

  She stared across at his yellow starched shirt and an idea came to mind. To garner his attention and maybe even shake him up a bit, she would share with him her most recent encounter with Rod Bigg. That was certain to stir some emotion in him.

  “So, doctor, last week I went to a bar, picked up a man and went home with him.”

  Just as Blue Ivy predicted, Dr. Kern awakened from his comatose like state. He shifted positions in his recliner and brought the chair to an upright position. From the table next to him, he grabbed his note pad. “And then what happened?”

  “Not much of anything. I told him he needed to learn to respect women and to be careful who he let come home with him.”

  “And how did he respond to that?”

  “He didn’t.”

  “What else happened?”

  Blue Ivy could tell where this line of questioning was headed, and she continued to play along. “I wrapped a belt around his neck, nice and tight.”

  Dr. Kern sat forward, seemingly, intrigued and shocked. “Why did you do that?”

  “Why does anyone do anything? ‘Cause it’s exciting.”

  A brief silence fell over the room as Dr. Kern scribbled notes on his pad in front of him. “Where is he now?”

  “Nothing happened, Dr. Kern. I didn’t hurt him, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “I didn’t think that you did.”

  “Yeah, but that’s what you were thinking.”

  Ever since Blue Ivy came into his office, she planned to share with him her reasons for making that afternoon her last visit, but she didn’t quite know how to casually bring it up after having put it off for so long. Then, instantaneously, the words came to her and rolled off her tongue. “Dr. Kern, I don’t want to sound uncaring, but I don’t really need to meet with you anymore. I’m not depressed, and I’ve come to grips with my family’s death and all that other sad shit.”

  “By taking on a new persona?”

  “Whatever works.”

  “And this is working for you?”

  Dr. Kern’s resistance to her leaving was a real shocker. For several weeks, she sat with him, never completely sure if he was awake or not. And now for the first time, she got a glimpse of the emotion he kept hidden inside for so long. Somehow that afternoon she managed to rouse him twice, and she found it intriguing and welcoming. He was a real person after all.

  “You know what I think?” Blue Ivy sat forward. “I think this is the person who I was all along, and it was just hidden deep inside, and it took something as traumatic as my family’s death to bring it out.”

  “You really believe that?” he asked her.

  “I know it.”

  The doubtful expression on his face alarmed her as she stared at him, trying to figure out what he was thinking.

  “What do you think?” she asked curiously.

  “I think you’re behaving this way to run away from what’s really going on.”

  Blue Ivy stood up and moved her purse strap upon her shoulder. “You’re welcome to your opinion, Dr. Kern.”

  Blue Ivy headed towards the door, her back to Dr. Kern.

  “This is all about your sister, isn’t it?” he asked her.

  “Maybe,” Blue Ivy said without turning around. “My sister may have gone too far, but at least she knew how to have fun and how to live.”

  “I’m concerned about you, Blue Ivy. This idea of yours could present repercussions that you haven’t fully realized.”

  “No, it won’t. I’m in complete control of my actions.”

  “How will you know when to stop?”

  His words left a bug in her ear, and she didn’t quite know how to answer, but she trusted her instincts. She trusted that when the time came she would know when to stop. When she stepped from Dr. Kern’s office, she glanced at the name on the door: Kenneth Kern, Ph.D. and nostalgia crept its way inside her head. She remembered all the times he listened to her at a time when she really needed to be heard. And now their relationship had come to an end, and this time she would not be back.

  On Blue Ivy’s way home, she kept thinking about her sister, Sandy. Over the last few days she had tried several times to reach her in the mirror, but it was useless. It was strange not connecting with her because she seemed to always have a sense for when Blue Ivy needed her the most. She couldn’t help but think that maybe it stemmed from Blue Ivy’s new look and persona.

  She hoped not, because Blue Ivy liked her new look and new attitude and she refused to dispel it. As Blue Ivy continued to think about it, she was convinced that Sandy had stayed away and would continue to stay away for as long as Blue Ivy portrayed her sister’s persona. She was now Blue, and she had no intentions of ever returning to the person she used to be.

  Saturday afternoon, Blue Ivy and Lee retired back to Blue Ivy’s apartment after spending most of the morning at the Lincoln Park Zoo. Blue Ivy ordered pizza and rented a copy of Titanic. When the credits rolled on the television screen, Blue Ivy sat perfectly still, her red and white polk‑a-dot pillow pressed against her chest. She wondered if she made the right decision in discontinuing her visits with Dr. Kern. His words of warning, along with everyone else’s, weighed on her mind, and it troubled her.

  Blue Ivy removed Lee’s Kangol cap and then ran her fingers through his hair. “I don’t know why you wear that cap. You have such beautiful hair.”

  Lee smiled at her. “Are you sure you don’t want to marry me?”

  “Maybe one day,” she answered him.

  “You mean that?”

  “Of course I mean it. I wouldn’t say it if I didn’t mean it.”

  “If I tell you something, will you promise not to take it the wrong way?”

  “Lee, you know I can’t promise that, but you can tell me anyway.”

  Lee hesitated for a moment, then said. “As pretty as your red hair is, I like your brown hair much better.”

  “Really?” she questioned, then turned away.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “It’s just that I’m happy for once and everyone seems to want to take that from me.”

  “No one wants to take your happiness away from you, but you have to admit this change of yours was pretty drastic.”

  “You don’t like it?”

  “I’m not denying how well you look. You’re a beautiful woman, always have been and always will be.”

  “But?” Blue Ivy asked, knowing that he surely had more to say.

  “It’s the attitude.”

  A defensive streak came over Blue Ivy, and she headed into the kitchen, grabbed the Chardonnay from the refrigerator and poured herself a drink. Lee was quick to join her at the kitchen table and just as Blue Ivy raised the glass to her mouth, he asked, “Does that really help?”

  She lowered the glass and set it on the counter. “Are you trying to say something?” she asked him.

  “There’s a chapter in the book I gave to you titled, Make Peace with Imperfection. Did you read it?”

  “What difference does it make? And what does it have to do with anything?”

  “Everything. You make this huge, impulsive change, and then you expect your life to be perfect, but life isn’t like that.”

  Blue Ivy opened her mouth, and was about to say something when Lee interrupted. “You think my life is perfect?” he qu
estioned. “Do you?”

  “I guess not.”

  “No. It’s not perfect, and your life won’t be either,” Lee continued. “That’s why your past relationships have been so short lived, because you’re searching for perfection, and you’re not going to find it.”

  “That’s not true. I don’t expect people to be perfect.”

  “Yes, you do.”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Yes. You do. That’s why we aren’t together, because I’m not perfect enough for you. I’m shorter than you are, and I used to be engaged to your sister.”

  Blue Ivy opened her mouth, about to retort, but nothing came out. At that moment whatever words came from her lips would be an out and out lie.

  “Do you deny it?” he asked.

  Lee took her for a loop and she could not escape his shrewd words. And as much as she hated to admit it, he was absolutely right and she was ashamed. He read her like a book, and it shook her to the core.

  How was he to know her reservations for becoming intimately involved with him?

  Supposedly it was a secret that somehow made its way out, and she was clothed in embarrassment. Speechless, she sat there, watching Lee watch her.

  “The truth hurts, doesn’t it?” he said to her.

  What was she going to say now?

  “I’m sorry, Lee.”

  “You don’t have to apologize. I just want you to be aware of it.”

  It was hard to believe that someone as young as Lee could speak with so much wisdom. Though so much of what he said was correct, it didn’t change things.

  “I don’t want you to think I don’t appreciate your concern,” she said. “Because I do. I really do, but I’m nobody’s angel, and I can’t go back to the person I used to be.”

  With Blue Ivy caught up with her work and her boss in meetings most of the day, not much was happening, and she saw no reason to stick around any longer. She studied herself in her compact mirror and applied two even coats of her glossy lipstick. She then headed towards the walk-in coat closet. As she passed Camina’s desk, she could not bypass an opportunity to torment her. Though they rarely spoke to one another, they constantly ran into each other in passing and never shared so much as a glance.