Shape Of My Heart

by Khardine Gray

  It would do her no good to play dumb with herself and even be surprised at her feelings. The path she’d been on could have only led her to this. It could have only led to her releasing the suppressed feelings she’d had for him.

  Amy had been so scared all her life of falling for the wrong guy. When she had first met Josh he’d been the description of all that was wrong, now he was everything she ever wanted and so much more.

  That meant he had the ability to hurt her, to break her heart in such a way that she’d never be able to fix it. She saw first-hand what he could be like, and while she knew he seemed to be into her now, what if the day came and he just got bored? Then it would be hello Allegra and bed friends.

  “Baby, for the love of God, please tell me why you’re up.”

  “Oh no, I’m so sorry. Go back to sleep.”

  “I can’t, your thoughts are deafening.” He rolled over on to his back. The feint night light traced the outline of his handsome features, making them look more defined. He sat up and sighed as he looked at her. “Did you have that stupid rat dream again?” he smiled.

  Despite her state she started to laugh and sat up too. “How did you know about that?” The other night she’d dreamt of rats running all over her. She didn’t usually talk in her sleep, but it wouldn’t surprise her if she did that time. She despised rats.

  “Are you kidding? You thought I was a rat and hit me, twice.”

  She continued to laugh and moved over so she was next to him.

  “You poor baby, I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I hit you.”

  “Well, it wouldn’t be the first time.” He gave her a pointed look and she instantly recalled her intense explosion on the morning of the ESPN show several months ago.

  She winced. “I’m sorry about that too.”

  “No, I told you not to apologize for that.” He put his arm around her and pulled her closer. “So, what’s wrong?”

  Back to her worries. She looked at him, admiring him, and felt her heart reach out to him like it always did. “You should sleep, you have to be up in a few hours. It’s your big day.”

  “Baby, I can’t sleep if something is bothering you. Tell me what it is.”

  It was the wrong time to talk. Tomorrow was a big day for more than one reason. Yes, it was the first game of the season, but the day after was the anniversary of his mother and sister’s deaths. He’d be thinking about that and she didn’t want to worry him.

  “It’s okay, Josh. Honestly. I’ll go get something to drink and you sleep.” She moved to go but he caught the edge of her negligée and took hold of her hand to pull her back to him.

  “You don’t get up for drinks. Something’s up. Amy, if you don’t talk to me how will I know if there’s a problem?”

  “There isn’t.” There wasn’t a problem for him. She was sure he didn’t love her, and he was right not to allow himself to be love’s fool.

  “Amy.” He gave her a pointed look of insistence.

  “I was thinking about my mom.”

  “Is she okay?”

  “She’s fine. Her health is fine. I guess it got to me that she was still looking out for my father even though we haven’t seen him in more than twenty years.”

  He held her gaze and stared into her eyes. Months ago she’d told him about her father. She didn’t say much, only that her parents weren’t together anymore. Saying more would have revealed her abandonment issues.

  “You haven’t seen your dad in over twenty years?” He narrowed his eyes at her.

  “No, we don’t have the best relationship.” She didn’t want to talk about this now because he needed to go back to sleep and it was one of those awkward topics for her.

  “What happened?” His eyes were filled with concern.

  “He…left us. I was barely eight and he came home one day, packed a bag, and drove away with some woman sitting next to him in his car. That’s all I remember, and we had a terrible life because my mom couldn’t always take care of us.”

  “Amy.” He straightened up and put his arms out to hold her. “Why didn’t you tell me this before?”

  She shook her head. “I try to forget it and move forward.”

  “Why are you thinking about this now, at two a.m.?”

  She looked over at the alarm clock and saw it had just turned two. When she looked back at him it occurred to her that she was being ridiculous and she couldn’t talk to him about this. She knew what his view was on relationships. Realistically, Amy was shooting herself in the foot by being here with him, but in the same breath it would drive her crazy to be without him.

  “Amy, you look really worried.”

  “That’s all,” she decided to say. “I was just thinking about it all and it made me feel antsy.”

  “Come here.” He pulled her into his chest and held her. “I’m sorry that happened to you. You deserved better, baby.”

  He kissed her forehead and she rested her head on his chest as he lay back, holding her. She listened to the rapid beat of his heart and heard it slow down as he drifted off to sleep again.

  Amy willed herself to sleep but she was still aware and awake.

  All she kept thinking was that if she wasn’t careful, she’d end up exactly like her mother.

  Or probably worse.

  It was like déjà vu. Josh stood next to Corey as the national anthem played, signaling the start of the new football season.

  With his hand on his heart, Josh took a moment to appreciate being here. He made it. He made it and he was happy to be here. Happy and honored to join the Gladiators again and be the Mancini Machine.

  He smiled to himself as warmth rushed over him and he thought of how proud his mother and Clarissa would be. He carried their memories and his love for them in his heart, carried them in his soul where they would always be.

  Josh looked ahead at the crowd of fans and fixed his gaze on his father, Pete, and his beautiful Amy. They were in the front row looking on at him with pride and happiness.

  Amy smiled at him and he hoped that she could see him smiling too. He knew she didn’t tell him everything earlier, and it seemed to be something she found difficult to talk about. That was why he stopped insisting and hoped she would tell him when she felt like she could.

  He was so happy she was here and that she’d come back, and he couldn’t wait for this season to end so he could spend all his time with her. What she’d told him about her father really got to him and he was starting to get the impression that she didn’t have the best childhood. He felt that she’d gone through a lot and was one of those people who had to struggle to get to where they wanted to be. Josh had plans for them, and he wanted to make sure he did all he could to make her happy. She deserved it.

  He turned his attention back to the game as the anthem finished. Time to focus and play. The team moved with one mind and like one body. It was time to be a part of that now.

  As the game kicked off, Josh had no trouble putting his mind in the zone, and by the end of the third quarter the score was thirty to twenty-five. The Centaurs were doing their best, but of course the Gladiators were in the lead. It was a crucial time, though, because the game could go both ways depending on which team scored the next touchdown.

  Josh signaled to Gage as they got back on the field for the last quarter of the game.

  “Hey Montgomery.”

  “Yes, old man?” Gage smiled as he came closer to him.

  “That pansy ass receiver over there needs to know who’s boss.” Josh motioned to the Centaurs’ receiver, who was medium height and stocky like a pit bull. He’d zoned in on Gage several times and tried to trip him up at least four times.

  “What do you have in mind?” Gage smiled with mischief.

  “Let’s make him our bitch so he won’t try that shit again,” Josh said with a firm nod. Gage laughed and bumped his fist.

  The receiver was a distraction and hadn’t done anything he was supposed to during the whole time they played. Their coach must
have set him on Gage to slow him down.

  As the game began again and the ball was passed around, Josh saw the receiver going in for Gage when he got the ball.

  Gage didn’t have to communicate with Josh to tell him he was going to pass the ball to him. It was like telepathy, the mental bond they developed from years of playing together.

  When Gage ran forward making it look like he was heading for the finish line to score the touchdown, Josh knew different when he watched him lift his arms up.

  As Gage launched the ball backwards, over his head, Josh was right there to catch it. He was also right there to do a little distraction of his own as Gage lunged himself out of the way of the receiver so that he would crash into Josh.

  The idiot couldn’t even stop himself. The guy collided straight into Josh, knocking himself backwards from the impact. Josh, however, was still standing up, as if he hadn’t been rammed into by a two-hundred-pound muscle freak. Thank God for the body he had. His muscles and height balanced him out perfectly, unlike his dumb friend on the ground.

  The momentary debacle and confusion was the perfect distraction and Josh simply threw the ball back to Gage, who was now well in the clear of anyone who thought they had a chance.

  Josh smiled knowing they had this game in the palm of their hands as he watched Gage take off, lightning speed down the field. As the receiver tried to get up, Josh put his foot on his chest.

  “Stay down, bitch, and look ahead, that’s how you win a game like a real man,” Josh balked.

  Gage had five guys on his tail but they were just wasting their breath. Josh smiled proudly as he watched his friend breeze down the field, maintaining Josh’s mantra that nothing was faster than Gage. The crowd went wild as Gage passed into the end zone, running past the goal post and across the plane of the goal line to score their winning touchdown. The stadium erupted with cheers and all the Gladiators roared.

  Josh removed his foot from the guy and stood, still watching it all. He was proud, indeed, and he was also grateful. Like always he looked back to his father who was cheering for him. He wished so badly that his mother and Clarissa could be here too.

  But…maybe there were, maybe they were here in spirit. It was a nice thought.

  Josh looked at his father, balled his fist and placed it on his heart. His father did the same, gazing at him with pride, just like always.

  The euphoria he usually felt after a game filled him. It was a good feeling and he was grateful to the woman who made this all possible. He looked at his Amy standing next to his father. They were a massive distance from where he stood on the field but she could see that he was looking at her. He kept his hand at his heart and mouthed “Thank you” to her, which she most likely didn’t see but he did it anyway.

  He continued to stare at her until Ty landed a hand on his shoulder and ushered him over to join in with the celebration.

  Amy was so proud of Josh, and today she had a new-found admiration for how he played with his team. This was the first football game she’d ever been to, and while she squirmed at the fighting and clashes, she had to agree that it was fantastic.

  People hung around to celebrate after the game. The diehard Gladiator fans were everywhere doing all sorts of things, from buying memorabilia to taking pictures of themselves with some of the players. She was trying to get through the crowd to get down to the changing rooms to find Josh, but several people had stopped her to talk, and now Zelda was doing the same.

  “Hey Miss Thing,” Zelda said, giving her a hug. Her bright green eyes sparkled with pride as she looked at Amy and gave her a hug. “We couldn’t have done this without you.”

  “Oh stop.” Amy giggled.

  “You know I’m right. You certainly slapped sense into the machine.” Zelda laughed heartily. “Well done.” She tapped Amy’s arm and left as she got dragged away by one of the photographers.

  Amy made her escape and continued through, pushing the crowd of fans. She made it to the changing rooms and saw a whole other crowd. These were fans of a different category. These were the people who wanted autographs from the top players like Josh. The other category of fans she saw had to be what she called groupies. No mistake about it, the throng of women she saw gathered around couldn’t have been anything other, not in the skanky clothing she witnessed.

  “It’s better if you stay here,” a pretty, dark-haired lady called out to Amy. She leaned against the wall adjacent to the changing room, holding her little brown purse to her chest. Amy had seen her here with Gage a few days ago when she’d stopped by to meet Josh for lunch. “Unless you want to be stamped on.” She smiled.

  “Hi,” Amy said, going over to her.

  “Hey, I’m Evie.”

  “I’m Amy.”

  “I noticed you squirming as much as me during the game.”

  “I don’t like the fighting and violence,” Amy told her, wrinkling her nose. Evie laughed.

  “Yes, that was my face too.” She laughed. “It’s rough as anything. I’m Gage’s fiancée, are you with Josh?”

  What should she say?

  Aside from Hilda and Gabriella, no one knew that she and Josh were together. Sure, the guys saw them kissing that night, but that didn’t mean anything.

  Evie raised her brows at Amy’s hesitation.

  “I—”

  At least she made some attempt to answer, but they were interrupted when Gage rushed out of the crowd, not even batting an eyelid at the women who had gathered for him. He dashed over to Evie, picked her up, and spun her around.

  “Mrs. Gage, did you see me?” He beamed as he lowered her back to the ground.

  You only had to look at Gage to see how much he loved Evie. Amy didn’t think she’d ever seen that before. She didn’t know that you could just look at two people and tell they were in love. This was what happened here, because she saw the same love beaming in waves from Evie.

  “Yes, Mr. Evie, I saw, everyone did.” Evie giggled. “You were fantastic.”

  They were so cute with their Mrs. Gage and Mr. Evie references.

  Gage acknowledged Amy and smiled. “Your boy’s just back there trying to find his walking stick and ointment.”

  Amy laughed, she couldn’t help herself. The way Josh and Gage taunted each other was hilarious, and the play they made on the field had blown her away.

  “Okay, I’ll wait.” Amy would have said more but she saw Josh and Corey come out of the room. They were at the end of the corridor. The host of fans surrounding them were all the groupies. At least twenty perfect-looking women who looked like a walking advert.

  Amongst them were Allegra and Cindy, who were on either side of Josh.

  Amy let out a slow sigh. It was silly of her not to factor in that they’d be here, and for sure Josh would most likely go out to celebrate with them.

  “Amy,” Gage cut into her thoughts.

  She looked back to him and thought about how he’d ran out here to be with Evie. He could have easily been with Josh and Corey with the host of groupies. But he was here with her.

  The reasoning behind that was simple. What they had was different to what Amy had with Josh.

  “I’m actually gonna go do some paperwork that I totally forgot about,” Amy replied. Gage narrowed his eyes at her. “It was great to meet you, Evie, and congratulations to you both.”

  She left before they could answer.

  Amy went to the beach. She went to the spot she and Josh always went to after they went for a walk.

  She came to think but hadn’t been able to with the numbness that clouded her mind. Amy was way out of her league here and she didn’t like that she wasn’t in control of her feelings. She wanted to shut down and restart herself. Take things back to just being Josh’s PA.

  Or not even that. She didn’t need to be here anymore, or be his PA. But yet she was here.

  She’d fallen for him so hard that she couldn’t think properly, or think about her life without him.

  As night drew on she made
her way back to the house. She guessed Josh wouldn’t be there so she thought she’d just watch TV and sleep. Maybe she’d have a clearer mind in the morning.

  She heard the TV on already when she got inside and couldn’t have been more surprised to find Josh in the sitting room sipping on a can of elderflower juice while he watched the news.

  “Josh.” She gazed at him as he turned to face her.

  “Baby, where were you?” He set the drink down and came over to her.

  “I was on the beach. How come you’re here? I thought you’d be celebrating.”

  “I was looking for my girl.” He smiled at her. “Why’d you leave, and why would I go celebrating without you?”

  She looked at him, wondering what to say. She’d been holding back so much that she just couldn’t find the strength anymore. The tears that threatened to fall earlier ran down her cheeks now.

  “Amy?” He took hold of her and pulled her into his arms. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

  “Nothing, I’m sorry. I’m so proud of you. You were amazing today. Truly amazing.”

  “Thank you, but I know those aren’t tears of joy, so please tell me what’s going on.”

  “I went to find you after the game and I saw you with Allegra and Cindy.”

  “Amy, are you sure you saw me with them? Or was I there, and they just happened to be there too.”

  “I don’t know.”

  He looked hurt. “How could you not know? Amy, don’t you trust me?”

  She stepped back a little to put some distance between them, but he took her hand and pulled her back.

  “It’s fine. It doesn’t matter. You don’t owe me anything, and I owe you everything.”

  “Amy, you don’t owe me shit.” He shook his head.

  “I do and I shouldn’t expect any more from you.”

  “I don’t know what you’re saying.”

  Of course he wouldn’t, because she couldn’t tell him that she loved him. “Josh, I don’t know what we are, and I know you aren’t exactly a one-woman kind of guy, so I don’t need to trust you, because it doesn’t matter.”

  He looked at her with a blank expression and sighed. He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a key with a pink ribbon tied through the loop.