Generation Me--Revised and Updated

by Jean M. Twenge

  • Do not automatically side with your child. Imagine that your neighbor knocks on your door one day to tell you that your child has been skateboarding outside her house, an activity that is not allowed in your neighborhood. How would you respond? Some parents would immediately defend their child, saying it could not have been their son or that he was just trying to have some fun. While it’s instinctual to protect your children, this reaction teaches your child that he is not responsible for his actions. It would be a better lesson to ask your child not to skateboard because it is against the rules and disturbed your neighbor. Some social rules are worth following, and this is not a war of us against them.

  The same principle applies when a child says she flunked a test because the teacher was unfair. Defending your child by going after the teacher lets your child know that she can blame others for her problems. Children who believe that grades are just up to the teacher usually underperform in school because they don’t see the point in studying. A child may also learn that Mom and Dad will always solve her problems, a lesson that will backfire later in life.

  If fewer parents complained to teachers, teachers would also have more time and energy left over for what they do best: teaching, not arguing with parents. Choose your battles carefully when dealing with your child’s teacher—or with college professors and administrators. Over the past few years, I have heard story after story from college staff of parents who call when their (adult) child fails a class or fights with a roommate. When I’ve asked student-affairs deans about the biggest change they’ve witnessed during their careers, the universal answer is “the involvement of the parents.” Parental involvement in education can be a great thing, especially at younger ages, but by the time your no-longer-child is in college, he needs to learn to stand on his own. If a student has a problem with his roommate, the student, not his mother, should work it out.

  • Limit exposure to violence. In her book “Mommy, I’m Scared” Joanne Cantor explains that many children become extremely frightened after watching violent or scary television programs or movies. Most parents limit young children’s exposure to these programs, but school-age children can also be seriously affected by them. Even the evening news can make many children anxious. Cantor found that many college students still feel afraid when remembering scary movies or TV shows they watched as children or adolescents. As TV and the movies become more violent, children need to be protected from these harmful influences more and more.

  Violent TV, movies, music, and video games can also cause aggressive behavior. A huge amount of research finds that kids exposed to violent media act aggressively in real life. The scientific research in this area is definitive. Many people I mention this research to (including my own husband) say things like “But I played violent video games and I’m not aggressive.” Maybe, but that’s not the way science works—it relies on average effects across hundreds of people, not individual stories. If you heard that eating apples made kids more aggressive on average, you would never let your child eat apples. We defend violent movies, TV, and video games because we enjoy them ourselves, but that doesn’t make them any less harmful.

  • Don’t use words like “spoiled.” Yes, young people often focus on their own needs. But guess who taught them to do this? You. Even if you didn’t, the entire culture has fed GenMe this message since they were born. Many older people dismiss the concerns of young people, particularly those in their 20s, as “whining.” But it is the natural result of high expectations meeting reality. Many older people also forget just how confusing and overwhelming it can be to “have your whole life ahead of you”—that sounds good, but it’s also scary. The anxiety and depression that result from this confusing time need to be taken seriously. When young people are told that they have no reason to be depressed, this just makes them feel more depressed and alone.

  FOR YOUNG PEOPLE

  If you’re young yourself, you might be wondering how you can sidestep some of the more negative trends of GenMe. Some of my suggestions may seem intuitive, but others might surprise you.

  • Limit your exposure to certain kinds of TV. Shows such as Keeping Up with the Kardashians, the Real Housewives, and Rich Kids of Beverly Hills detail the extravagant homes and cars of wealthy celebrities. They’re tremendously entertaining, but they can also be depressing. You see all of the things that you’ll probably never have (and maybe didn’t even know you wanted). Avoid overexposing yourself to the lifestyles of the lucky few and look around you in real life—likely plenty of people have less money than you.

  • Avoid overthinking. In Women Who Think Too Much, Susan Nolen-Hoeksema reports that young people—particularly young women—are more likely to brood over their problems than older people. It’s a common cycle: you begin by mulling over a problem and before long you’ve spent half an hour turning it over and over in your head. Nolen-Hoeksema called this overthinking, and research has linked it to an elevated risk of depression. Talking it over with a friend is a far better solution. You’re still considering your problems, but sharing them with someone else unburdens you enough to stop overthinking. People who seek support from others are consistently more mentally healthy than those who don’t.

  • Value social relationships. Keeping up a friendship takes work—work and time many people feel they don’t have in their busy lives. But one day you’ll look up and wonder where all of your friends went. You will be much happier if you make the extra effort needed to see friends and family. E-mail, Facebook, and the phone are great, but person-to-person contact is better. It might go against your generational mind-set, but try to make those little social gestures that came so naturally to previous generations: welcoming a new neighbor, having friends over for dinner, joining a club. And if you’re single, don’t neglect dating. Yes, it sucks sometimes, but all it takes is one.

  You are going to hear a lot of people tell you that being alone is great, because of the old self-esteem mantra. Conquering Your Quarterlife Crisis has a section called “Why Is It So Hard to Live Alone?” One of the “mentors” in the book, Raquel Aviva, 32, offers as her lesson, “You don’t always have to count on others. Work on counting on yourself.”

  Later in the book, Michael Coviello, 25, said, “I wish I had known at twenty-one that true happiness and strength come from inside our hearts and not through others.” After the first edition of Generation Me was published, Michael wrote to me to tell me his perspective had changed. Now 35, Michael says, “My relationships with family and friends were always important to me, but [back then] I didn’t think you needed them to find your identity. . . . [But now I realize that] much of your identity includes the people closest to you. If you want to get to know someone more personally, one way is to know that person’s inner circle. I think having good relationships is the biggest achievement in life, and that’s the ultimate way to be remembered. Being around family and friends reminds me of how fortunate I am to have them in my life and that I have earned something authentic.”

  Michael is right. People who have good relationships with others—partners, family, friends—are happier and less depressed than other people. Few people are happy living an isolated life. If you hate living alone, you are one among many. Instead of telling yourself that you ought to be happy with this arrangement, spend your time dating, seeing family, and laughing with friends. Not only will this help you feel better, but eventually these social activities will help you find someone to live your life with, and you won’t live alone anymore. And if not, you’ll still have a great group of friends.

  • Realize that narcissism and positive self-views are unlikely to help you succeed. When I present the Generation Me research to undergraduates, most don’t disagree that their generation thinks highly of themselves. But, they invariably say, “We have to be this way because the world is so competitive now.” I agree that things are competitive, but positive self-views will not necessarily help you compete. Self-esteem does not cause success, and narcissism leads to
failure, especially in the long run. When people have vehemently disagreed with the conclusions of Generation Me, this is almost always the misunderstanding at the center of the argument: many simply cannot believe that “believe in yourself and anything is possible” is untrue. Like a fish that doesn’t realize it’s in water, GenMe finds it difficult to fathom that self-belief is not the number one cause of success in life.

  Some of the confusion lies in the terms we use. Many talk about self-confidence, but that’s not a term used in research psychology. Instead, research separates self-esteem—thinking highly of yourself—from self-efficacy, the belief that one’s actions have an impact. Being confident enough to try something (self-efficacy) is important for success. Thinking you’re fantastic (self-esteem) is not. That also means that someone encouraging you to do something (self-efficacy) is a good idea, but someone saying you’re the best ever (self-esteem, maybe narcissism) is not.

  Recall that Asian Americans have the lowest self-esteem but the best academic performance. The lesson there is not that low self-esteem leads to success—it’s that hard work and self-control, heavily emphasized in Asian culture, do. Those behaviors are much more likely to help you succeed than simple self-belief. Yes, have the confidence (high self-efficacy) to try something new. But if you don’t succeed and feel bad about yourself (low self-esteem), that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Keep trying, keep working at it, and you will get better.

  • Combat depression naturally. A few simple, natural things can fight depression. I have already mentioned the first two: socializing and avoiding overthinking. You are also less likely to feel depressed if you (1) get enough sleep, (2) expose yourself to sunlight for at least an hour a day, (3) exercise regularly, and (4) eat a diet rich in omega-3 fatty acids (found primarily in fish, especially salmon, halibut, herring, white tuna, and trout; fish oil supplements are another source). University of Kansas professor Steve Ilardi, author of the excellent book The Depression Cure, has shown that these steps improve mood as much as prescription medication; he calls the therapy “therapeutic lifestyle change.” Research has already shown that the individual elements (e.g., light exposure, omega-3 acids) can reduce depression. Ilardi’s therapy often works for people whose depression has not responded to medication. “I’m not antimedication,” he says. “It’s just that for a lot of people [drugs] don’t work—and if they do work, it’s short-term. Relapse is a huge issue. So, if you can achieve superior results long-term without medication, the advantage seems pretty clear.” The other great benefit of such strategies: you can employ them even if you’re not depressed and perhaps avoid becoming depressed in the first place.

  • Cultivate realistic expectations. Have realistic goals rather than believing that you should “follow your dreams” no matter what. It’s fine to aim high, but talk to your parents and teachers about your goals and the timeline you have in mind. You will not be CEO of your company in five years. It might be difficult to get into graduate school. If you move to LA to become an actor, you will be lucky to make enough money so you don’t have to wait tables, much less become a movie star. Only a few people become rich or famous with little effort. For most people, it takes hard work just to get a decent job and keep it. Does that mean you should be satisfied with that and not want anything better? Of course not, but realize that moving up might not happen overnight.

  • Be cautious about multitasking. Many people these days are trying to do two (or three) things at once: drive and talk on their cell phone; talk with someone in person and send a text to someone else; study while listening to music and keeping Instagram open on their computer. The inherent problem: The human brain is not capable of multitasking. It cannot do more than one thing at a time. So if you’re trying to do two things at once, it’s necessary to switch your attention back and forth. This takes time and effort and generally is not the most efficient way to do things. It’s possible that GenMe has learned to switch attention a little faster than older generations, but true multitasking is not possible for any generation of humans.

  For at least some time each day, turn off your cell phone and restrain yourself from checking Facebook or e-mail. Learn to concentrate on one thing—reading a book, writing a paper or report, doing a math problem—for a sustained time. I know it seems important that you be the first to respond to a friend’s post or return your boyfriend’s text right away, but people used to get by just fine without being in touch with each other every second during the day. They may also have gotten more done and talked to the people around them more. Some journalists have written about their experiences of “unplugging” for weeks at a time and reported they ended up feeling happier and more relaxed. You don’t have to take it this far—just set aside an hour or two to do one thing and work up from there. Many jobs require this kind of sustained attention, not to mention that texting all day is not the way to get on your boss’s good side.

  • Get involved in your neighborhood and community. The fulfillment that GenMe seeks might be found in helping other people. It’s one of the best ways to find deeper meaning in life and build those true relationships that are otherwise so hard to find.

  Many young people are taking this advice. A few chapters ago I mentioned Drew Lichtenberger, who is now working on a book titled The Twenties BeatDown. Like many young people, Drew had a great job in business but then realized it wasn’t fulfilling. He went back to working at his alma mater, Virginia Tech, helping prepare college students for their transition into the professional world. He says he is “passionate about developing people.” One of his main messages is that volunteering and helping others is one of the best ways to be fulfilled and gain meaning. He leads a high school youth group and encourages other young people to get involved in volunteer work as well. Someone once told him, “The only way that you’ll ever feel good about yourself is by helping other people,” and he passes this advice on to young people who are looking for meaning and fulfillment. “Individualism and serving yourself are dead ends,” Drew says. “Service to others and leaving a lasting legacy is really at the core of the deepest human needs. Strong relationships and community keep us true to who we are and help us see what our lives are meant to be.”

  This is the upside of young people’s taking time during their 20s to find out what they want to do. Many young people volunteer and end up finding a career from their experience. For instance, my cousin Sarah Kilibarda volunteered for Catholic Charities for two years after she graduated from college, helping immigrants with their legal paperwork. She then went to law school and now works as an immigration lawyer. Even if you don’t find a career from volunteering, you will more than likely develop valuable skills and make some great friends. Just as important, many people discover that helping others gives them the meaning missing from the emptiness of pure self-focus.

  The Great Recession of the late 2000s has led to a greater focus on others. Communalism has not returned to the levels of the 1960s and 1970s, but it’s improved. High school students in 2008–10 were more likely than those in 2004–6 to donate to an international relief fund, to say they thought about social problems, and to take steps to save energy and help the environment. The importance of “helping others in difficulty” reached an all-time high among college students in 2013 (72%, up from 70% in 1966 and 62% in 2000). Preliminary data suggests the rise in narcissistic personality traits continued until at least 2009, but may have receded some since then. As psychologist Patricia Greenfield has theorized, economic deprivation leads people to think of others. The Great Recession was a natural social experiment, showing the effects of an economic disruption on culture, and thus on individuals.

  At the same time, the percentage of students who thought they were above average in agentic traits such as drive to achieve remained high, and the importance of “being very well-off financially” was also at an all-time high. Among both high school students and adults, trust in others and large institutions have reached all-time lows. So positive self-
views are as high as ever, and civic engagement remains mired in cynicism even as the value placed on caring for others is on the upswing. This is an unusual moment in generational history, characterized by both transcendent individualism and a newly surging communalism. The next few years may provide another natural experiment as the economy recovers and (presumably) surges again. Will the renewed interest in helping others continue, or will it again recede? Only time will tell.

  * * *

  Generation Me came of age at a unique time in American history. They were raised to believe in themselves, and to have a wildly optimistic outlook. Yet they are entering adulthood at a time when just getting by is increasingly difficult. Many will weather this collision of youthful expectation and harsh adult reality by becoming anxious or depressed; others feel angry that the optimistic mantras of their childhood have not prepared them for the real world. Most have avoided much interest in larger issues and more serious commitments such as religion, political activism, or social causes, instead choosing to focus on themselves and their circle of friends and family. Others are finding that caring for others brings the meaning and fulfillment they could not find alone.

  If you are a young person, I hope you realize you are not alone. If you are older, I hope you have gained the understanding that today’s young people were raised differently from you, and that growing up today is not easy. In the coming years, perhaps we will all realize that we can’t make it solely on our own. GenMe’ers need realistic expectations, careful career guidance, and support when they become parents. In return, they will gladly lend their energy and ambition toward having a personal impact and making a difference.