Shallow

by Yessi Smith

  With her lips parted, she nestled in closer to me. Beautiful, always beautiful. Asleep or awake, angry, laughing or at peace.

  Danny: wht happened?

  Brinley had told Danny about her mom, about the disease she thought she’d one day inherit. It wasn’t the first time Danny and I had worried about Brinley together. He loved her. She trusted him.

  Me: Long story, man. But her mom lied to her. Brinley isn’t sick, she can’t get sick. What her mom has isn’t genetic. Hell, her mom was in a skiing accident that caused everything. She didn’t get it all of a sudden like she told Brin she had but her brain progressively gets worse.

  His response came immediately.

  Danny: thts good tho….our girls fine.

  Me: Yeah, she’s fine. Or she will be. She just needs to get through this.

  Danny: u’ve got her, rt?

  Me: Always.

  Danny: grab her some chocolate… always makes her feel better.

  I laughed.

  Me: Already done.

  Rather than finish watching the movie, I grabbed the folder Brinley gave me with her poems tucked inside. I reached for another paper and smiled when I saw it was a blackout poem. Words were circled with purple swirly designs blacking out the words she didn’t use. It was dated almost a month ago.

  a smile turns into A blush gentle fingers Caress Happiness overtakes love Found

  Flipping the paper over, I grabbed a pencil from her nightstand and wrote out the poem the way I would if I’d written it. I added deep swirls and other doodles. When I finished, I stared at it. Read it over.

  A smile

  turns into a blush.

  Gentle fingers

  caress.

  Happiness overtakes.

  Love found.

  Love found. She’d written this three, almost four weeks ago. Had she loved me for so long? And kept it a secret? My fingers clenched at the thought. But I had kept my love for her silent too.

  Hearing her say those words, saying she loved me… I didn’t know how badly I needed to hear them. How badly I needed to say them back. Fear, though, fear had kept me from revealing my greatest truth. I loved her. I’d loved her for so long, I knew I’d never stop.

  I went to the next poem. This one was two years old.

  If solitude is bliss

  then he has found Heaven.

  But in his world of happiness,

  why does he always frown?

  I turn to yet another one, this one a little over a week old.

  For the beautiful boy

  who makes me smile without trying.

  For the beautiful boy

  whose kiss makes me forget everything.

  For the beautiful boy

  who writes with his heart.

  For the beautiful boy

  who makes my heart beat out of its cage.

  For the beautiful boy

  I love you.

  You said you’d catch me when I fall.

  Are you ready?

  That one made me smile. Made me feel special in only the way Brinley could.

  After reading a few more, I stopped when I got to one she wrote two days ago.

  Fake

  Vulnerable

  Weak

  Powerless

  Shallow

  I am none of those things

  and all of them

  I am strong

  because no one but you

  knows my truths

  I rubbed my chest, hating and loving her words. She molded herself into someone she wasn’t, to keep anyone from seeing her. I fed in to her ploy and fueled her insecurities.

  Turning over the page, I wrote her back. When I finished, I rested the paper between us and closed my eyes. I reached for her, edged myself closer to her, and she responded by tucking her body closer to mine.

  Even while asleep, she came to me. Never shied from me the way I feared she might when we first started dating.

  We were together. A truth we both showed the world.

  We’d be together forever. A great love story without an ending.

  Soft laughter,

  that floats deep into my chest.

  Pretty blonde hair,

  that I run through my fingers.

  A smile,

  that outshines us all.

  Precious and cherished,

  beautiful and good.

  Her soul

  I treasure.

  Her heart

  I keep.

  Blinking back the sleep, I read Roderick’s words again. And then again.

  Her soul

  I treasure.

  Her heart

  I keep.

  As usual, his words filled me, left me empty of nothing but him. It was amazing to me how much he loved me, how he could make me feel special and alive with his words. I needed his words, as much as I needed him.

  I stroked his cheek, loving the way he edged closer to me at the contact. Loving the way he always reached for me, always seemed to need to touch me. A hand in my hand, on my waist, or around my shoulders. He was always touching me. And it felt amazing.

  Being loved by Roderick was amazing.

  I dipped down, brushing my lips over his. When he didn’t respond, I let my hand roam over his chest. He moved closer, but his eyes remained closed.

  My heart pounded in my ear, anticipation growing in my chest.

  I needed him. Needed to taste him.

  Slipping my tongue over his lips, I brushed it gently across the seams. His lips parted, and he sucked in a breath while he wrapped his arms around my back. He pulled me to him, and I landed on his chest with a hard thud.

  We didn’t break the kiss though. His tongue met mine in a slow caress while his hands trailed under my shirt. My stomach, my back. I arched in to his touch, took his hand in mine and placed it over my breast.

  I ground down, and he jerked his hips up.

  “Brinley,” he hissed.

  When I kissed him this time, it was with fervor. With hunger and need building too high, too fast. I broke the kiss to sit up. When I moved my trembling fingers to my shorts, Roderick covered my hand with his.

  His face looked pained and when he spoke it was with restrained control. “We don’t have to do this.” He swallowed hard. “We can just kiss.”

  “We’re a forever thing, right?” I asked.

  He cupped my face with his hands and kissed me hard on the lips. When he drew back, all I saw was love. The insurmountable love he had for me. “Of course,” he said. His chest heaved and he licked his lips. “We’re forever.”

  I took his hands to my shorts, led him beneath the fabric of my panties. He panted harder.

  “I want this,” I whispered. “I want all of you.”

  Light blue eyes darkened. The storm behind them grew. “Forever.”

  Somewhere between the passionate kisses and hurried touches, Roderick had the forethought to protect himself. I watched in equal parts fascination and nerves. We were doing this. I was going to give myself entirely to Roderick, in a way no one else would ever have me. When he leaned over me, pressed himself into me, his body bare but the thin layer of latex that was between us, I knew I’d been waiting for him forever. Knew I’d need him forever.

  Because us? The magic we created, was a forever thing.

  After the third ring, I answered Danny’s call, yawning a hello into the phone.

  “Morning, Sleeping Beauty,” he chimed, sounding cheerful when I was the one who’d reached her peak of happiness. “Come outside!”

  “Outside?” I asked. “Like outside my house?”

  “Uh, yeah.” His tone was dry. “Ari and I are waiting for you and Roderick.”

  “Right now?”

  “Geez, Brin, you’re not this slow.” He laughed.

  “Danny and Ari are outside,” I told Roderick.

  He arched a brow.

  “He wants us to meet them.”

  “Tell him to go away,” Roderick groaned, a teasing smile
playing across his lips.

  “No way,” Danny replied, having heard Roderick. “Not after we put in so many hours getting his final birthday present ready.”

  I shot up from the bed. “What?”

  Danny’s laughter echoed in my ear.

  “You’re serious?”

  A slow smirk built on my face. Taking Roderick’s hand in mine, I tugged. “We have to get dressed.”

  “Dressed!” Danny shouted. “Details I don’t need to know, best friend.”

  Roderick sat up on a laugh. I looked down, hiding my blush behind the hair that fell in front of my face. Brushing my hair back, he rubbed his knuckles over my cheek.

  “I love it when you blush,” he said. “It’s sweet.”

  “Shut up,” I grumbled.

  After hanging up with Danny, I threw Roderick’s shirt and shorts at him. I dressed quickly, excitement taking over. I couldn’t believe Danny and Ari had prepared the cave for us.

  “Where are we going?” he asked, putting on his socks and shoes while I put on mine.

  “Remember your other present?” I grinned. “Danny and Ari got everything ready for us. When we got back from breakfast, I texted Danny I wasn’t feeling great and wouldn’t need his help until tomorrow. Guess he and Ari wanted it to happen today anyway.”

  “You have good friends.”

  “We have good friends,” I corrected.

  Holding his hand, I ran out the door. When I saw Danny leaning against Ari’s car, I launched myself at him in a strong embrace. Then I threw my arms around Ari.

  “You guys are the best. You know that, right?” I asked.

  “Obviously.” Danny tugged on my hair.

  “Meet you there?” I asked them.

  “No,” Ari replied on a chuckle, “this is your night.”

  “And you guys made it happen,” I retorted. “Roderick, you don’t mind if they go with us, do you?”

  “Considering I don’t know where we’re going…” he trailed off.

  I playfully smacked his shoulder, but then kissed him, not wanting my last contact to be anything but full of love.

  “I don’t mind.” He brought my hand to his lips.

  “It’s settled.” I clapped my hands. “You guys go in Ari’s car and meet us there.”

  “Where is there?” Roderick asked.

  “To the moon!” Danny shouted.

  “Your friend is weird,” Roderick said when we got in my car. He sat in the driver’s seat while I took the passenger seat.

  “Our friend,” I amended.

  “Whatever.” He shrugged. “As long as you admit he’s weird.”

  “He is.” I giggled. “But I love him.”

  He playfully stuck his bottom lip out, and I tugged on it.

  “I love you more,” I added.

  He bit down on my finger. Not hard, just a small nip. It did nothing but make me want to crawl back in bed with him.

  “Liar,” he said. “But I guess you can have us both.”

  Roderick and Danny. They were my guys, my favorite people. Where Danny was my best friend, Roderick was my soul mate.

  He followed Ari’s car to the parking lot that led to our cave. After he parked, he arched a brow in my direction. I shrugged. When we met in front of the car, he took my hand where we hiked the two miles to our cave. Danny talked the whole way. I interjected when needed while Roderick and Ari laughed at our banter.

  It was fun having the four of us together. While not exactly how I originally planned tonight to go, it felt right. We were a unit.

  When we stepped into the cave, white lights adorned the walls, hung to the lowest parts of the ceiling. Roderick and I took it in in silence. It was better than I imagined and was grateful I’d found the solar lights that would last for at least eight hours after the sun had fallen.

  Roderick’s hand rested on the back of my neck where he massaged. It was soft, I wasn’t sure he was even aware his fingers moved. But his eyes, they danced across the cave, took everything in. His breath stalled when he looked at our wall. I followed his gaze and after blinking a few times, I went to it.

  Resting on the floor, against our wall were framed poems. Our poems. Roderick’s and my words.

  On a gasp, I turned to Danny and Ari.

  “You guys did this?” I asked.

  “Or some Poetry Fairies.” Danny grinned. “They’re kind of like the Tooth Fairy, but they leave poetry, instead of taking teeth.”

  “Roderick’s right. You are weird.”

  At the same time Danny said, “I’m hurt”, Roderick shouted, “I never said that!”

  Ari tugged Danny to him, splaying his hand on Danny’s waist. “You are weird,” he said.

  “Yeah?” Danny arched a brow. “You’re dating me. Who’s the weird one now?”

  “You,” Ari and I said together.

  I walked deeper into the cave, closed my eyes when the smell of pizza invaded my nostrils. Following the scent, I went to the ledge Roderick once slept on and opened up the box.

  All meat, no pepperoni. Exactly how Roderick liked it.

  After grabbing a plate, I started serving us. Together we sat in the middle of the cave.

  “It’s not homemade pasta,” I said between mouthfuls. “But it’ll do.”

  Danny pointed a finger at me. “You’re the one that’s supposed to make the homemade pasta, not me. I order pizza. That’s the rules.”

  “Fine.” I huffed. “But only if you agree to four kids, a dog, two leopards, and a shark.”

  “Where would we keep the shark?” he asked.

  “The bathtub,” I answered.

  “Or if your house has a pool in the backyard, you can keep it there,” Roderick suggested, biting back a grin.

  “Don’t encourage her.”

  “Or you could live on the beach and keep the shark in a large steel cage,” Ari added.

  “That’s animal cruelty,” I protested.

  “Worse than keeping it in a bathtub?” he asked.

  “Whatever,” I griped. “Don’t be logical.”

  “Spock!” Danny shouted. “Logic doesn’t make sense in our world, young Spock.”

  “Who’s Spock?” I asked.

  Roderick and Danny groaned.

  “What?” I asked. “Is he another dumb superhero?”

  “So much to learn,” Danny sighed into his hands.

  “Tomorrow,” Roderick said. “We’re having a movie night to teach our Brinley the important things in life.”

  Danny raised his soda bottle. “Here, here.”

  Roderick clinked his water bottle against it.

  “Do you know who Spock is?” I asked Ari.

  “Sadly, yes,” he replied. “I’ve already been educated.”

  “You’re still coming to movie night,” I said. “You can’t leave me alone with these two lunatics.”

  He winked. “You’re on.”

  Once we finished, after Danny went back for like a thousand more slices, he called me to him. He opened a box to show me the cake I’d ordered. A collage of all the Marvel superheroes stared back at me.

  Danny helped me ease it out of the box and with our backs turned to Roderick and Ari, we lit eighteen candles. He helped me balance it on my hand, and I walked carefully to Roderick, who Ari was distracting.

  “Happy birthday…” I started to sing when I was just a couple steps away from him.

  His head swung to me, his smile growing as I neared him. Eyes I’d taken to memory flashed with surprise when I placed the cake in front of him.

  Sitting on the floor, he stretched out his hands to me. I went to him, nestled in to his chest as Danny, Ari and I finished singing.

  “Smile!” Danny called out.

  We looked back at him, our smiles matching the others when he took our picture.

  Roderick cupped my face, turned me back to him. Soft lips touched mine. He kept the kiss gentle, stroked my lips with his. Still, I whimpered against him. Because kissing Roderick was everythin
g. Fast or slow, gentle or frantic.

  “Make a wish,” I whispered, trailing my nose across his cheek to his ear.

  “I have everything I want.”

  With me still in his arms, he leaned over and after closing his eyes for a few seconds, he blew out his candle. He then snuggled his face in to the side my throat, breathed me in.

  “Birthday boy gets the first slice,” Danny announced as he sank a knife in the cake.

  I reached for the offered plate, cut a small bite with my fork and took it to Roderick’s mouth. His lips parted and he smiled.

  “Never knew superheroes could taste so good,” he said.

  I giggled, loving it when he was relaxed and silly.

  We shared bites of his slice, him letting me eat more than him.

  When we finished, Roderick reached for his phone, went to his playlists and turned on the list he’d made for me.

  We stood.

  I went into his arms. Wrapped myself in him, his scent, his warmth, and his love.

  Danny and Ari went to each other.

  Love found us. Or we found it.

  The proof of its existence hung from every part of our cave. It bared the weight of the universe. It was comfort, warm. It was home. It was an everlasting flame.

  And finally, life made sense.

  Dark waves crashed into the sandy beach. Brinley sat between my legs with her back pressed against my chest. My fingers trailed over her thigh in absent sweeps.

  Her skin was warm, and a bit darker from the hours we’d spent on the beach. But it felt good to be out here. To play volleyball with a few of her friends. To watch her read a book in her white bikini.

  Danny and Ari were a bit more open with their relationship that day. Flirting with each other, passing a few gentle grazes and heated glances.

  It sucked they felt they couldn’t be more open around others, but I knew the importance of hiding and couldn’t fault them. Although Brinley insisted they didn’t have to worry, I reminded her how well she hid until she was ready to be seen.

  Every day, she showed the world a bit more of herself. Just last night, she, Danny, Ari, Seth, and I went to her house for a movie night. When her mom came out of her room, her eyes lost and a bit wild, she introduced her friends to Rosie. Before the nurse could usher her back in the room, she asked the guys if they wanted to see one of her mom’s paintings.