Shallow

by Yessi Smith

  “Does your face hurt?” Sammi touched the side of Seth’s mouth where one of the deeper gashes lay and then traced her finger just below the eye that was swollen shut. “When you chew I mean?”

  He dipped his head down, but then peered back at her with a small smile. “I’m fine.”

  “I’m glad you two kicked their asses.” She pointed her fork at Roderick and Ari.

  “Yeah.” Seth coughed. “Thanks for that.” He met my gaze. “And thanks, Brin, for, you know, taking care of me.”

  “It’s not every day I get to cuddle with my favorite wood-crafter,” I said, keeping my voice gentle.

  “Wood crafter?” Sammi asked. “You can make stuff with wood?”

  While Seth showed her the pictures on his phone, Roderick leaned in to me, brushed his lips against my ear. “I’m pretty crafty with wood too.”

  I laughed, hard and long. Tonight, spending time with some of my favorite people, was a memory I wanted to trap in time forever.

  “I heard this crazy rumor that charities started accepting donations again,” I deadpanned.

  “You feel that?” my dad asked, and I shook my head. “You ruined the moment with your obnoxious talk of altruism.”

  Seated behind us, Roderick laughed. It sounded free, no longer like the lonely boy from the cave. Our trip to San Diego was fun. We even found a two bedroom apartment we fell in love with. Although we said we didn’t need two rooms, my dad insisted. Absolutely insisted. In fact, he argued he had no other use for his money than to pay the rent on that apartment. Which brought us to the current conversation circling in the car.

  “Phil,” Roderick spoke up, “I really do appreciate you wanting to pay for my part of the rent, but I can’t let you do that. It doesn’t feel right.”

  “You take care of our girl, and I’ll take care of both of you,” my dad replied. “I want you two to focus on your education, go out and have fun, but not too much fun. And if you do have too much fun, call a cab or me. I don’t care how far the drive is,” he rambled on, “I’ll drive the three hours to San Diego to pick you up. Just no driving drunk.”

  “Yes, sir,” Roderick agreed. “But the rent…”

  “Get a job, pay for all your other expenses, leave the rent to me.” He turned his head to look back at Roderick. “Paying your side of the rent is cheaper than a home security system anyway.”

  “Dad!” I smacked his shoulder. “We do not need a home security system.”

  “Not when you have Roderick living with you.” He grinned. “I saw what you and that football kid did to the twins.”

  My mouth hung open. “How… how did you hear about that?”

  “Their parents took them to the ER, and I had the pleasure of working on them. When the cops came, they told them what happened.”

  “Sir…”

  “Don’t you sir me, son,” my dad interrupted. “It’s Phil, or nothing. Besides, those two deserved it. What they did to that poor kid, it’s disgusting. They should be expelled from school. And you.” My dad gave Roderick a pointed look, and I turned my head in time to see Roderick’s face pale. “I’m proud of you, Roderick.”

  Roderick swallowed hard, making his Adam’s apple move.

  “You’re a good man,” my dad continued. “I’m glad Brinley and you are together.”

  “Th-thank you,” Roderick stammered out.

  “Now, don’t go and screw it up.” My dad laughed at his own joke while I shook my head. “And, Brin, I’m proud of you. Of the way you took care of that kid, Seth. Maybe there’s a doctor in you yet.”

  Rolling my eyes, I said, “Not going to happen. Wait, but how’d you hear about all that?”

  He gave me a knowing smirk. “Small town, people talk. When Seth heard the twins were pressing charges against Roderick and what’s that football kid’s name?”

  “Ari,” I said.

  Reaching my hand back, I put it on Roderick’s knee. Strain made the sides of his eyes crinkle. He put a hand on top of mine.

  “Right, Ari. When Seth heard about that, he came to the hospital and told the police what the twins had done to him. All charges were dropped after that. I had a long talk with Bert, our chief of police after that,” my dad continued. “Told him if he ever thinks about pressing charges against Roderick again I’d tell his wife how he comes to the hospital and plays poker with me when I’m not busy rather than going home to her.”

  This time, I laughed harder. My dad and Bert were longtime friends, sometimes enemies.

  “I don’t care if Danny or Ari are gay,” my dad rushed out. “I don’t care…”

  “Wait.” I placed a hand on my dad’s shoulder, a bit dizzy from all the leaps in my dad’s conversation. “How do you know Danny and Ari are gay?”

  “One of the twins said they were together.” His brows drew together. “Is it a secret?”

  My heart drummed loudly in my ear. Roderick squeezed my hand before I took it back so I could text Danny.

  “Neither of their parents know,” I replied.

  “And they’d be upset if they found out?” my dad asked.

  “They think so.”

  “Shit,” my dad cussed.

  “Yeah.”

  Turning to my phone, I typed out a quick message to Danny. Although, I had to tell him Jacob and Joseph knew about him and Ari, I didn’t want to do it by phone. I just hoped I wasn’t too late.

  Me: Heading back home now. Should be back in less than an hour. Wanna come over?

  Danny: Can Ari come?

  Tension eased from my shoulders. After I replied, I told my dad both Danny and Ari were going to come by later.

  “Want me to grab some Thai food for you kids?” he asked.

  “What kind of question is that?” I teased. “If we’re talking Thai, the answer is always yes.”

  After getting home, Roderick and I stayed in my bedroom while my dad went to see my mom. Mom had seemed more at ease since dad moved back in with us the day after he and I spoke. She still had her episodes, but painting soothed her. My dad being back with her calmed her further.

  By the time Danny and Ari got there, Seth, Roderick and I were hanging out in the living room. I’d worried about Seth while we were in San Diego, had texted him every day just to chat, so while Roderick and I cuddled on my bed, he suggested I also invite Seth over. I was sure Danny and Ari wouldn’t mind Seth being there when I told them about Jacob and Joseph.

  Danny kissed the top of my head while Ari tousled my hair.

  “Before we say anything,” I started, going over what I’d rehearsed, “I need to tell you guys something.”

  My attention jumped from Danny to Ari. They nodded, the tension on their shoulders matching mine.

  “My dad treated Jacob and Joseph when they were in the ER,” I said. “They had a lot to say, which whatever, isn’t as important.” I waved my hand, already floundering what I wanted to tell them. “Anyway, my dad said that one of them, he’s not sure who, was telling people you guys are together.”

  A muscle on Danny’s jaw ticked. “Yeah.” It came out like gravel. “Seth already told us.”

  “Oh.” I pushed my teeth onto my bottom lip. “Glad I’ve been worrying about telling you for hours then.”

  Danny smiled. It wasn’t his typical happy smile, but it didn’t look sad either. It just was.

  “Are you guys okay?” I asked. “Have your parents heard anything?”

  “We’ll be fine,” Ari said, resting a hand on Danny’s arm. “We can’t stop them from telling people, but we know they’re talking so there’s that.” He shrugged. “I told my parents I was gay a couple nights ago though. They were shocked, I guess, but they’re okay with it.”

  Danny covered Ari’s hand with his. “I haven’t really spoken to my mom in a few years, so I guess it doesn’t matter if she hears something. But my dad…” His brows drew together, his lips turned down in a scowl. “I’ll tell him after I graduate and am in college.”

  Silence stretched be
tween us. Although my heart bled for Danny, the quiet wasn’t altogether uncomfortable.

  “Oh!” Danny exclaimed. “Seth has something to tell you.” He waggled his eyebrows at Seth twice. “About Sammi?”

  Mashing my lips together, I tilted my head to the side and waited.

  Seth drew in a sharp breath as he fiddled with his thumb. “We’re supposed to go to the movies next weekend.”

  “My man.” Danny extended his hand for a fist bump that Seth tapped.

  Beside me, Roderick squirmed on the couch. He roughed a hand through his hair before he let it drop to his lap. He’d been uncomfortable since Seth had arrived. I wasn’t sure why, but I’d waited him out. When he squeezed my hand, I knew he was ready.

  “Hey, Seth,” Roderick started, “Brin’s dad also mentioned that you showed up at the hospital when the twins were trying to press charges against me and Ari.” He cleared his throat. “He said you told the cops what they did to you.”

  He scratched the back of his neck, seemed to struggle with his words. Leaning into him, I pushed a hand beneath his shirt and stroked the soft skin of his stomach.

  His hand found my knee. “I appreciate you doing that,” he continued talking to Seth. “Pretty sure my aunt would’ve cut me out of her life for good if they’d gone through with it.”

  Hearing that hurt. Knowing his aunt wasn’t there for him. Knowing that at twelve he lost more than his parents, but his home. At least until we found each other again.

  Seth tapped a foot against my parents’ hardwood floor. “Yeah, of course.”

  “When we’re back at school, we’ll be watching your back,” Roderick said. “Danny, Ari, and I won’t let them get near you.”

  The tapping got quicker, a bit louder. “I was actually hoping I could learn how to fight.” It came out unsure, but he kept his gaze level on the three other guys in the room. “You know, throw a punch, block a punch, not get my ass kicked in the bathroom.”

  “You know the captain of the wrestling team… Sean?” Danny angled his head to the side and we all nodded, we knew who he was. “Sean texted me a couple days ago and said if you wanted to learn some moves, he’d teach you. I didn’t say anything ‘cuz I wasn’t sure what you’d think.”

  His foot stilled. “Yeah. That’d be cool I think. It’s crazy that a few months ago I didn’t have any friends.” He breathed out a long string of air. “I mean there’s Jeremy, but we’re not really friends. We do group assignments together and eat lunch at the same table because no one else would.”

  Roderick hadn’t had any friends either but he stayed quiet, a small smile building on his lips.

  “We’re the ones that missed out,” I said, my hold on Roderick’s waist tightening. “I wish… I wish I’d been friends with you since freshmen year. School would’ve been a lot better.”

  I wished I’d never lost Roderick. Wished we’d never known how lonely life could be. At least I’d had Danny though. Roderick, he hadn’t had anyone.

  Roderick smoothed the top of my head, kissing where he touched.

  “I don’t know if school would’ve been better for you,” Seth scoffed. “But for me, to have had friends…” He started tapping his foot again.

  “For me, to have had friends I actually liked being around,” I said, “who actually liked me… it would’ve meant a lot to me.”

  “Think in twenty years we’re gonna look back at high school as the best time of our lives?” Seth asked, his dimples making an appearance.

  “That’s what it’s supposed to be, isn’t it?” I laughed. “The best years of our lives.”

  “The best years of my life started in a cave.” Roderick’s admission came out low.

  “Mine too,” I admitted.

  “Your cave is pretty special,” Danny said, his voice as somber as the rest of us. “I wrote my first poem in there.”

  “I danced with a boy I love in there,” Ari added.

  Danny stilled, brought his lips to Ari’s for a tender kiss. Angling his head down, he rested his forehead on Ari’s. “I love you too,” he said.

  I wasn’t sure, but I thought we witnessed the first time they spoke openly of their love. It made me almost as happy as Roderick’s and my first kiss made me feel.

  “I had my first date in there,” Seth said.

  I found myself in that cave. Found Roderick. Found love.

  A knock on my bedroom door woke me. Looking at my phone, I groaned. It was still another hour before I had to get up to go to school. On a muffled swear, I got out of bed and put on my shorts before answering the door.

  My aunt’s tear filled gaze met mine. “Roderick.” Her voice cracked. “The police need to speak to you.” She angled her head to the side. “Why don’t you put on a shirt and meet us in the living room?”

  I nodded. What else could I do when emotions choked me?

  Grabbing my phone from the bed, I sent a text to Brinley, begging her to text me back and let me know she was okay.

  Because this? Where my mind circled to… it couldn’t happen. Life couldn’t repeat itself. I couldn’t lose Brinley too.

  After throwing on a shirt, I ran into the living room where Bert, the chief of police stood by my aunt’s worn couch.

  I stared at him, my heart thundering in my ears, pounding behind my ribs. I couldn’t bring myself to voice my concern. Couldn’t stop myself from worrying about the worst.

  Clenching my phone in my hands, I unlocked it to see if she replied. She didn’t.

  My limbs shook, anger and dread rose with bile.

  “What is it?” I croaked out. “Is Brin okay?” I finally managed to ask.

  “Brinley’s fine,” Bert said.

  My shoulders sagged forward. Relief felt like a gift. Whatever else he had to say I could handle.

  The man rubbed his round stomach. “I’m sorry to tell you, son. There’s really no easy way to say it.” He huffed out a frustrated breath. “Last night, someone defaced your parents’ headstones.”

  I jerked back as if he’d struck me.

  He looked sorry. He sounded sorry.

  It didn’t matter. Not when my body throbbed with a pain I was too familiar with.

  “What do you mean?” By my sides, my fists clenched, grabbed at nothing but air. Because as usual, when I needed someone, I was alone. No one was there for me to hold onto.

  “We have the persons of interest in custody,” he said, “but I’m truly sorry, Roderick, the damage has already been done.”

  I nodded, a quick dip of my chin to my chest.

  “How bad is it?” I swallowed hard.

  “They spray painted both headstones and knocked them over.” He paused. “That’s the worst of it, but they also painted the grass surrounding it. They dumped trash everywhere. It’s,” he scrubbed his face, “it’s a mess, but it’ll get fixed.”

  “Fixed?” A scornful laugh erupted from my lungs.

  Fixed. There was no fixing what was irrevocably broken. And this broke me in a way that I’d never be able to be pieced back together.

  “It can be cleaned up. Your…” He opened his mouth to continue, but I held out both palms to him. I didn’t want to hear anymore.

  My parents. I had to see them. Had to see the damage that was done to them. To the only parts of them that I still had.

  Without socks or shoes, I ran out of the house and didn’t stop until I made it to the cemetery my parents were buried at. My vision blurred, my chest screamed. I rushed through the paved path in a blur of movement and when I reached the top of a hill, I saw my parents’ resting place. Saw several people working to clean it up.

  On shaky legs, I made it to them. My breath hitched when Brinley looked up, seeming to search for something until her gaze met mine. Almost as if she could feel my pain, her shoulders slumped forward.

  Defeated.

  Slowly, carefully, she took the few steps to reach me. The beautiful girl I loved. The girl I couldn’t breathe without.

  “What are yo
u doing here?” I tucked her messy hair behind her ears.

  “I heard what happened. Bert came to my house a few hours ago to talk to my dad about it.” The tremor in her voice hit me in the gut. “I didn’t want you to see what they’d done.” She looked behind her to her friends—our friends, who had stopped cleaning up to watch me.

  Danny was the first to wave.

  “When Bert told me we could start cleaning up, I called our friends and they met me here,” she continued. “My dad left a little while ago.”

  “Your dad was here too?” My tone was low, my voice shaking with each word.

  “He likes you,” she said touching my face. I leaned into her palm. “He cares about you.”

  I swallowed hard, past the lump in my throat. Tears burned the back of my eyes.

  I wasn’t alone. Brinley, Danny, Seth, Ari and her dad – I had them.

  Needing her more than I needed anything else in my entire life, I pulled her in for a hug, rested my head on her shoulder. Her fingers curled into the back of my shirt, and she pressed a sweet kiss against my throat.

  “Why?” A sob tore from me, caught in my throat. “Why would someone do this?”

  Tender fingers weaved through my hair, touched me with such delicacy, I was afraid I’d break.

  “Because they’re assholes,” she said.

  “Did Bert tell your dad who did it?”

  Her body jerked, her back straightening. When I edged away, she had her eyes shut tight. She sucked in a breath through her parted lips, drew it out while a tear fell from the corner of her eye.

  “Who did it, Brin?” It came out harsh, volatile.

  I had a good guess who it was. Had an even better guess why they’d done it.

  She blinked her eyes open. “Jacob and Joseph.” She said it so low, it felt like a whisper of the passing wind.

  My heart, it couldn’t take anymore. Not when the pain felt insurmountable.

  “You need to leave,” I said.

  She nodded, her eyes sad but understanding. She knew this was her fault. Just as their assault on Seth was her fault. It all fell back on her, who she was, who she used to be. Now they wanted to punish her for calling them out while she managed to redeem herself.