The Whole Death Catalog

by Harold Schechter

  Take the “Last 2 Let You Down” calendar produced by the Italian coffin-making concern, Cofani Funebri. Featuring a pair of hot babes dressed like porn stars and striking salacious poses atop a selection of handsomely carved caskets, this slick, oversize item is guaranteed to be a major turn-on to anyone who has ever fantasized about having sex in a funeral home. To order, go to www.cofanifunebri.com.

  For those who prefer beefcake to cheesecake, there is the “Men of Mortuaries” calendar, depicting a bunch of hunky young all-American morticians, some posed formally in graveyards and funeral homes, others assuming playfully suggestive attitudes while engaged in various mortuary-related activities (check out the shot of the tank-topped “Mr. June” hosing down his hearse). “The Men of Mortuaries” calendar is issued by KAMM Cares, a nonprofit organization benefiting women suffering from breast cancer. It can be ordered at www.menofmortuaries.com.

  If vehicles are more to your taste than flesh-and-blood human beings, you’ll undoubtedly prefer the Society of Funeral Coaches calendar, featuring artsy, sepia-toned photographs of classic hearses juxtaposed with blow-ups of beautiful Victorian-era memorial statuary. You’ll find it at www.societyoffuneralcoaches.com.

  If you prefer a desk calendar to the hanging kind, you might consider the Where Are

  They Buried? How Did They Die? calendar, based on Tod Benoit’s book of the same name. Each of the 365 detachable pages is devoted to a famous person who died on that day and includes a capsule obituary, along with the location of his or her grave. You can also download a calendar of “famous demises” at www.whataslacker.com/calendar. Organized, like Benoit’s, around celebrity death anniversaries, it lists a number of famous names for each day of the month and provides additional information about them with a click of the mouse.

  Days of the Dead

  Halloween may be rooted in pagan religion, but it has become so thoroughly commercialized that it sometimes seems like a corporate creation, invented for the sole purpose of peddling bite-size candy bars and spookhouse novelty items to the American public. Happily, that spirit of rampant consumerism has not yet trivialized the Mexican counterpart of Halloween, the holiday known as Día de los Muertos—the Day of the Dead. A multiday festival that traces its origins to pre-Columbian times, Día de los Muertos is equal parts commemoration and carnival: both a loving remembrance of departed family and friends and a mocking defiance of death itself. Its seemingly paradoxical mix of reverence and revelry allows participants to commune with their deceased loved ones while mitigating their own mortal terrors by making the Grim Reaper himself into a kind of laughingstock—by treating death with what the essayist F. Gonzalez-Crussi calls a “joking familiarity.”

  In the days leading up to the holiday, which culminates on November 2, celebrants devote themselves to a variety of activities. To honor their deceased loved ones—whose souls will come home for a few brief hours to enjoy the pleasures they once knew in life—families set up household shrines laden with offerings: the food and drink most prized by the departed, along with a few of his or her favorite possessions. Burial plots are weeded, tombstones scrubbed and decorated. Town marketplaces overflow with colorful goods: huge arrays of marigolds to lay on the graves; ghoulish treats like pan de muerto (bread of the dead) and sugar skulls; leering masks of devils, vampires, and witches; and, of course, the delightfully macabre folk-art figurines known as calacas, hand-carved little skeletons engaged in every imaginable form of human behavior. Costumed mummers and singing minstrels parade through the village squares, performing burlesque skits and reciting comical verses.

  On the evening of November 1—when the adult dead return—families converge on the village cemetery for an all-night vigil, vividly evoked by cultural historian Rosalind Rosoff Beimler:

  Candles are lit on the gravestones, one for each lost soul. Women kneel or sit all night to pray; the men keep watch, talking and drinking. In some places food is placed on the graves. By midnight the cemetery is filled with candles flickering in the windy autumn night. Both city folk and villagers spend the following day in the company of their dead, but also enjoying the sociability of the living. Gossip and drink are shared at gravestones. Strolling musicians play the ghosts’ favorite tunes.

  “By the evening of November 2,” writes Beimler, “the party is over.” The ghosts return to their world, while families settle back to their normal routines. “Thus,” concludes Beimler, “are the living and the dead left at peace with each other for another year.”

  RECOMMENDED READING

  An excellent, lavishly illustrated book on the history, meaning, and practice of the Day of the Dead is Elizabeth Carmichael and Chloë Sayer’s The Skeleton at the Feast: The Day of the Dead in Mexico (University of Texas Press, 1991). Photographer John Greenleigh, who traveled to various small villages throughout Mexico in four different years to document the holiday provides a vivid evocation in The Days of the Dead: Mexico’s Festival of Communion with the Departed (Collins, 1991), with informative commentary by Rosalind Beimler. Also highly recommended: “The Grin of the Calavera,” a typically elegant meditation on the Mexican attitude toward death by the physician-essayist F. Gonzalez-Crussi. It can be found in his collection, The Day of the Dead and Other Mortal Reflections (Harcourt Brace, 1993).

  Strange but True

  The history of death has produced some amazing coincidences. For example:

  John Adams and Thomas Jefferson died in separate states on the same day, July 4, 1826—the fiftieth anniversary of the signing of the Declaration of Independence.

  Babe Ruth, the home run king, and Elvis Presley, the king of rock and roll, died on the same date, August 16, twenty-nine years apart (Ruth in 1948, Presley in 1977).

  Thomas Edison was buried on October 21, 1931, exactly fifty-two years to the day after he invented the electric lightbulb.

  Sir Winston Churchill and his father, Lord Randolph Churchill, died on the same date, January 24, seventy years apart.

  Most amazing of all are the weird connections between Abraham Lincoln and John F. Kennedy, to wit:

  Lincoln’s secretary was named Kennedy, and Kennedy’s secretary was named Lincoln.

  The two men were elected exactly one hundred years apart, in 1860 and 1960.

  Both were shot on a Friday.

  Both of their successors were named Johnson.

  John Wilkes Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse; Lee Harvey Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.

  Both assassins had three names composed of a total of fifteen letters.

  Eerie!

  Death: King of Terrors or

  Really Fun Hobby?

  Since (as the daily offerings on eBay verify) there are people in the world willing to spend good money on things such as antique ink blotters, vintage cough syrup bottles, and Depression-era gum-ball charms, it should come as no surprise that there are also hobbyists devoted to the acquisition of death-related artifacts. Occupying the more outré end of this pursuit are collectors who traffic in objects such as actual shrunken heads made by Jivaro tribesmen and similar bizarre human relics. It is more common, however—and far less illegal—for mortuary enthusiasts to invest in such fascinating items as old embalming merchandise, mortuary school memorabilia, and other funereal ephemera.

  Postmortem postcards.

  Topping the list of death-related desirables are Victorian postmortem photographs. As with any collectibles, prices for these macabre treasures vary widely, depending on factors such as rarity, condition, and subject matter. A cracked and faded carte de visite of somebody’s grandmother laid out in a flower-strewn casket can be had for forty or fifty bucks. By contrast, a mint-condition daguerreotype of a beautifully dressed and carefully posed dead baby can command upward of a thousand. Other vintage photographs, such as pictures of turn-of-the-century medical students posed with dissected cadavers, are also much coveted by collectors. The most affordable pictorial items are old cemetery postcards, wh
ich rarely cost more than a few dollars.

  Day of the Dead figures, available from bluelips.com. Courtesy of Bluelips.

  Like other hobbyists—for example, the numismatist who limits himself to Colonial American currency, or the comic book collector who sticks to the “funny animal” genre—many mortuary enthusiasts prefer to focus on a single, highly specialized area. Some, for example, collect only specimens of antique embalming equipment, everything from early injection pumps to vintage bottles of arterial fluid to tins of restorative putty. Others prefer the promotional items handed out by neighborhood funeral parlors—wall calendars, matchbooks, ashtrays, and the like. Still others focus on Victorian mourning paraphernalia, including embossed memorial cards, black-bordered condolence stationery, and hairwork jewelry. Certain fashion-conscious individuals seek out material from the makers of traditional burial wear: trade magazine advertisements or manufacturer’s catalogues showing the latest styles for the well-dressed corpse. There are even collectors of actual antique coffins—though this particular pursuit clearly requires the kind of storage space unavailable to the average apartment dweller.

  Indeed, given the commercial scope of the American death industry—the sheer variety of merchandise it has generated since the Civil Coffin key ring, one of the many fun funereal novelty items available at Pushin’ Daisies.

  War—the possibilities for death-related collecting are nearly boundless. For an excellent introduction to this delightful and edifying hobby, you won’t do better than C. L. Miller’s handsomely illustrated trade paperback, Postmortem Collectibles (2001). (If, by some bizarre oversight, your local bookstore doesn’t stock it, you can order it directly from Schiffer Publishing, 4880 Lower Valley Road, Atglen, PA 19310. Or go to www.schifferbooks.com.)

  Bluelips: Your One-Stop

  Online Shopping Site for

  Those Hard-to-Find

  Mortuary Novelty Items

  Founded in 1999 as an online store specializing in videos and books about death, Bluelips has evolved into the Web’s leading source for funeral-related novelties and gift items, perfect for every occasion.

  Throwing a birthday party for your preschooler? Just imagine the joy of his little guests when they open their goody bags and discover their very own foil-wrapped chocolate caskets. Tired of giving your girlfriend the same old jewelry on Valentine’s Day? Nothing shouts “I love you” louder than a sterling silver pendant in the shape of an embalmer’s trocar. Want to impress your boss at the law firm with your sartorial sophistication? How about a tie clasp in the shape of Anubis, the jackal-headed Egyptian god of the dead? Starting high school in a new neighborhood and want to impress the other kids with how cool you are? They’ll be shaking their heads in amazement when you show up for the first day of class in that nifty T-shirt emblazoned with a silk-screened image of King Tut’s skull!

  These are just a fraction of the treasures available at Bluelips. Whether you’re looking for Death Row Bubblegum Cigarettes, DVDs of actual autopsies, femur-shaped ballpoint pens, or one-pound anatomically correct chocolate hearts, you’ll find them all at wwwbluelips.com.

  If you’re looking for a particular item not available at Bluelips—say, a cookie cutter in the shape of a hearse or a skull-head toilet-brush holder—you should check out Pushin’ Daisies, another excellent online mortuary novelty shop started by a female New Jersey funeral director who goes by the moniker of Cadaver Cat. You’ll find it at www.pushindaisies.com.

  Coffin key ring, one of the many fun funereal novelty items available at Pushin’ Daisies.

  Build-a-Corpse:

  Fun for the Whole Family!

  Are you one of the many ardent fans of Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho who think it would be neat to be just like Norman Bates and keep a mummified corpse around the house but don’t want to deal with the fuss and bother of looting your mother’s grave? Well, an outfit called Di Stefano Productions has come up with the perfect solution, one that not only eliminates all the moral, legal, and hygienic drawbacks of grave robbing but also provides a really fun hobby you can share with the kids!

  Build your own corpse! Courtesy of Jaime Di Stefano.

  For a mere $19.95, the company will send you a handsome, spiral-bound publication, How to Build a Corpse: Easy Step by Step Instruction Manual that will permit you (as the online advertisement puts it) to “build a lifesize, realistic decaying corpse in the privacy of your own home.” By following the simple, illustrated instructions, anyone, no matter how devoid of artistic talent or basic human judgment, will be able to assemble an amazingly deathlike replica of a hideously decomposed human corpse using materials readily available at most hardware stores and hobby shops. (One caveat: “If your favorite hobby store doesn’t supply some of the needed materials,” cautions the ad, “you may have to visit a theatrical supply shop or even your local dentist.”)

  Once completed, your uncannily realistic corpse can be decked out in any style you choose—for instance, in a grizzled female wig and an old calico frock. Just imagine the amazed and delighted reactions of your friends and family members when they visit your home and discover what appears to be the exhumed body of your long-dead mother occupying a rocking chair in the center of your dimly lit fruit cellar!

  For more information on How to Build a Corpse, visit the company’s website, www.corpsesforsale.com. Or contact Di Stefano Productions, 2629 Stephenson Drive, Wilmington, DE 19808, 302-993-0494.

  Mortuary Museums

  While snooty European types like to brag about cultural attractions such as the Louvre, the Prado, and the Uffizi, we Americans can certainly hold our own when it comes to world-class museums. After all, where else can you find such magnificent and edifying institutions as the Burlingame Museum of Pez Memorabilia, the World Kite Museum and Hall of Fame, the Kansas Barbed Wire Museum, Frederick of Hollywood’s Lingerie Museum, and the New York Museum of Water? (“Discover the secrets of water! Enjoy fun, inspiring exhibits and learn why water is the most important part of your future on planet earth!”)

  Along with these meccas, our country boasts a number of outstanding museums dedicated to the wonderful world of death, burial, and bereavement. Among the most rewarding:

  1. NATIONAL MUSEUM OF FUNERAL HISTORY

  While the external appearance of this Houston, Texas, landmark may not match the architectural splendor of, say, the Louvre—or even, for that matter, the architectural splendor of the average Home Depot—don’t let its unprepossessing exterior fool you. Within its prefabricated walls resides America’s premier collection of mortuary-related artifacts. Here, you will marvel at an astonishing assemblage of rare and exotic coffins (including a one-of-a-kind casket built for three, intended for a married couple and their deceased child); a spectacular lineup of international hearses (among them the world’s only funeral bus, designed to transport a coffin, six pallbearers, and twenty mourners to the cemetery); a full-scale replica of a 1920s embalming room; a diorama of a 1900s casket factory; and much much more. You can take a peek at its offerings by checking out the online exhibition at www.nmfh.org, but any serious student of death will want to visit this in person.

  Scale-model 1966 Cadillac S$$S limousine-style hearse. Courtesy of the Abbott & Hast Death Care Web Store.

  MINI-HEARSES: SAVE ’EM! SWAP

  ’EM! COLLECT THE WHOLE SET!

  If you’re looking for a hobby you can share with the kids but aren’t into stamps, coins, or baseball cards, you might think about collecting exquisitely detailed scale-model hearses.

  Each of these beauties measures approximately fourteen inches in length, comes in various colors, and features a number of cool accessories, including removable wood-grain caskets and church trucks. They cover the whole historical range of automotive hearses, from a 1921 Model T and a 1938 Cadillac with carved window panels to an elegant 1966 Cadillac landau complete with extending rear loading table. The gem of the bunch, however, is the maroon 1959 Cadillac limo-style hearse, featuring rocket-ship fins, bullet
taillights, fully opening doors, flocked drapes, and more. Sweet!

  Compared to your average Matchbox car, these babies aren’t cheap. Most of them will run you a hundred bucks apiece. (Plus another $41.99 per acrylic display case.) But we’re talking heirloom items here. You can find them online at Die Cast Auto (www.diecastauto.com) or the Abbott & Hast Death Care Store, your one-stop shopping source for mortuary merchandise (www.abbottandhast.com).

  ADDRESS: 415 Barren Springs Drive

  Houston, TX 77090

  HOURS: Mon.-Fri., 10 A.M.-4 P.M.; Sat.-

  Sun. 12 P.M.-4 P.M.

  TEL.: 281-876-3063

  2. MUSEUM OF FUNERAL CUSTOMS

  “Death is only the beginning” is the rather inscrutable motto of this outstanding collection of mid-nineteenth-century funerary artifacts. Trumpeting itself as America’s “second-largest funeral museum” (after the NMFH in Houston), it exists (in the words of its mission statement) to “provide the public with a deeper understanding of the history of American funeral and mourning customs, funerary art, and funerary practice; foster an appreciation of history within the funeral profession; and encourage further study on the subject.” Its 3,500 square feet of exhibition space is devoted to such attractions as:

  Re-created 1920s embalming room

  Re-created middle-class American home funeral setting, circa 1870