by Maree, Kay
“We’re just getting her moved upstairs to ICU. I’ll send a nurse in soon to bring you up to sit with her.” He turns to leave the room but stops before exiting. “Sir, your wife is unconscious, extremely pale and has a lot of machines hooked up to her. You might want to prepare yourself.”
Nodding I understand, I blow out a deep breath and relax in the knowledge, she is still with me.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Xavier
Nothing, and I mean nothing, could have prepared me for seeing my woman the way she was. Nausea swirled unrestrained in the pit of my empty stomach on seeing her hooked up to machines left, right and centre. My heart felt as if blood in my body had become tar and was no longer flowing freely. I struggled to stay calm as I was confronted with how pale her normally milky white skin had become. It seemed transparent, paper thin and I was worried even holding her hand would cause her pain. As gently as I could, I laced my fingers with hers and watched as a machine by her bed pumped up and down, breathing for her. For the first time I can remember, I prayed. I prayed out loud to anyone who would listen and begged for her to come back to me. She’s already been through so much in this life and I haven’t had the chance to show her how true happiness could be.
Lifting her hand slowly, I gently laid my other hand over the top, willing the heat from my body to travel into hers. I study every intricate detail of her soft face, from the shape of her brows to the way her eyelashes rested like crescent half-moons against her soft cheeks. I pause for a moment, waiting for the pink flush I love so much to spread over her cheeks, but it never comes. My eyes follow the smattering of freckles down her nose to the dip between it and her top lip. wanting nothing more than to suck the sensitive spot into my mouth and tease it with my tongue. Shaking my head, my eyes take in her plush bottom lip. Even her lips don’t have their usual pink flush to them. I place a kiss to her fingers, one by one and keep them locked with mine. I rest my forehead against our hands and feel the tears, which have been threatening all day, begin to fall. Having nothing left inside me to keep fighting, I close my eyes and allow them to trickle over my cheeks.
“Xavier."
A deep voice much like my own calls out my name and through the heavy fog of sleep, the voice seems to get louder. Feeling stiffness in my back when I attempt to move, I groan and stop short when everything hits me at once, piercing my heart. Snapping my head up, I ignore the sharpness in my muscles as my eyes swing towards Ally. The afternoon sun streams over her from the window in her private room. She continues to lie still, so still. The beeping, whooshing sounds of the machines around the bed fill my ears and grief slams hard into my chest.
“Son.”
My father's voice has me turning to where he stands on the other side of the bed.
“Dad." My voice sounds husky, sadness and sleep coating my words.
“It’s okay, son.”
Nodding, I don't say anything more, but turn back to Ally again. I refuse to look away, needing to soak everything in from the rise and fall of her chest to her thick lashes fanning over her soft colourless cheeks. I hope her eyes will flicker with awareness, but still they stay closed.
My bottom lip trembles at the thought of her not coming back to me. Emotions from earlier swirl around me and I bite down on my lip to still it, to stop me from breaking down. My father steps up behind me and without saying a word, he places his strong hand on my shoulder and squeezes. My shoulders heave with the emotion I was trying to stop, floods to the surface. My hands shake and tears sting my eyes. Releasing Ally's hand, I squeeze my hands into fists and a lone tear slips down my cheek. Closing my eyes, I will myself not to break, but it's no use. More heavy tears fall, deep sobs tear from my throat and I break. Not a word is spoken, only the sounds of the machines and my heavy sobs echo in the room.
After what feels like an eternity but was probably only minutes I wipe my face and blow out a deep breath. Dad releases my shoulder and takes a step back when I stand to stretch my legs. I head to the window and watch the sun setting. The trees sway in the light breeze and the faint sound of cars below floats up towards me. Everything appears normal as life goes on around me, but my chest tightens at the sight of a couple embracing down on the sidewalk.
Glancing over my shoulder, I notice my father has left the room. He probably thinks I need a moment to get my shit together, but fuck, it's gonna take a lot more than a moment. Sitting down again, I bring her hand to the side of my face, wanting nothing more than to feel the heat of her skin to soothe me. Like the colour in her cheeks, the heat is non-existent. Palming her hand, I place it against the stubble on my cheek for a moment before turning my face into it and letting my lips linger on a kiss. I breath in her sweet apple scent but even that seems to be fading as well.
“Son."
Turning my face away, I lower her hand gently to the bed and reach out for the coffee my father has brought.
“Thanks dad, but I think I’ve had enough of this hospital piss to last me a lifetime."
Chuckling softly, he takes the seat on the other side of the bed.
“I thought as much so, I went down to the cafe."
I take a mouthful and find it's not as bad as what I have been drinking.
“Thanks." I take another mouthful, letting the taste linger on my tongue for a bit longer than necessary. We stay quiet while we drink our coffees and then dad speaks.
“You love her."
As the words leave my dad’s mouth, my body feels like it ignites and my heart stutters in my chest. My breath comes in pants, but all of a sudden, a calmness washes through me.
“Yes." It’s all I say as I reach forward and place my hand gently on Ally’s and entwine my fingers with hers.
“I didn't know what this feeling swirling in my gut was, but it's enough to drive me to my knees and anything this strong must be love." I rest the hand holding my coffee cup on my knee, not wanting to let go of Ally's hand.
Dad whistles low and when I turn to him, he’s smiling.
“What?” I scrunch up my eyebrows, wondering what he is smiling about.
“Son, you just described how I felt when I first saw your mother.”
I see the sadness in his eyes at the mention of mum and my stomach knots.
“How is she?"
Waving his hand around, he sits up a little straighter.
“She’s fine but today isn't about your mum, it's about your girl. One worry at a time, son."
He nods towards Ally and I nod back, knowing he’s right. Then it hits me, how the hell did he know where I was? I haven't left Ally and I haven't thought of anything except her since this morning. I don’t know where the hell my phone even is.
“How did you know where I was?”
“I stopped into the shop and Beau told me your girl had been rushed here. I knew you wouldn't be anywhere else. Shit that reminds me...." He digs into the pocket of his jeans and pulls out my phone. “I ran into Justin in the carpark when he was leaving with Ally’s friend, Cynthia to grab some of Ally’s stuff. He said you left it in the truck. He thought you may need it since he needed to take your truck.
“Thanks, it must have fallen out of my pocket earlier." I take it from his outstretched hand.
“Oh, Erica said she’ll stop by in the morning.”
“Okay.”
After a few moments of silence, dad speaks again.
“Beau told me a little about what happened with Ally and that she passed out at work, but he didn't really know the details. Why don’t you fill me in?"
“On the weekend she cut her hand...” I tell dad some of what happened. How her and her mum argued and she picked up the wrong end of the knife when she was doing the dishes and it sliced her hand. I then fill him in on what happened today and what the doctor had said, it brings a lump to my throat talking about it. I watch as the colour drains from his face and I swear the old man's eyes glass over, but I can’t be sure. “Now, I guess we play the waiting game."
I l
ook down at Ally and place a kiss on her fingers.
“She's strong, dad. She’s been through so much shit in her life and still came out swinging. I bet there were days she didn’t want to even get out of bed, but she did. I know in my heart she’s a fighter and I need her to kick this disease’s ass and come back to me. I need to show her what kind of life she is meant to have, the kind of life she deserves.”. I close my eyes and pray for a fucking miracle for probably the hundredth time today.
“Why don’t you try and get some sleep, it's almost nine o’clock and you’ve had a long day.”
Shaking my head, I glance to the window and realise how dark it is, the time has flown by.
“I'm good, dad. I need to be here for her when she wakes." I will not let her wake up in a cold, sterile fucking hospital room by herself. Not happening. I'm amazed the nurses haven't come in and kicked us out, but I suspect my dad probably had something to do with that, he can be pretty convincing when he wants to be.
“Well, at least rest your eyes and I'll stay right here with you both."
Looking at my dad, I nod. I have no intention of sleeping and I’m so fucking thankful he’s here.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Ally
My heartbeat vibrates through me, steady and strong. Without opening my eyes, I take stock of my body as a stiffness in my joints makes itself known. Blowing out a breath, I note the rise and fall of my chest is smooth. Lifting my hands, I rub my face they feel unused and weak.
What is wrong with me? Where am I?
Blinking my eyes open, blurriness fading away, my surroundings become crisper and stark whiteness flashes before my eyes. Damn why is it so bright? Closing my eyes again, I sit up. This time, I open my eyes slowly and attempt to take in my surroundings. All I see is a white haze, like someone has turned on a fog machine and forgotten to turn it back off. Thick fog surrounds me and I wait for the cold to creep in, but instead, a calmness washes over me – a calmness I haven’t felt for a very long time.
I blink and attempt to focus on where I am. Everywhere is white. I thought I was awake, but I mustn’t be. I look down to find I’m wearing my white summer pajamas and I try to remember the last time I wore them, it feels like it's important to remember, but I can't pinpoint it. An aroma of salt air floats in the air and distracts me from my thoughts. I close my eyes and breath in deep, intoxicating my senses. Cool water washes over my feet and I jump back before lowering my eyes. I watch as the white fog dissipates and, in its wake, whitewash and sand come into view. Flexing my toes, I feel the cool grains squish between my toes. I look up to feel the warm sun beating down on my face. The crashing sound of waves against rocks has me looking around, taking everything in. My eyebrows draw together in confusion when I wonder how I came to be on the beach. Off in the distance, a man with dark hair stands tall. His strong back is to me as he looks out over the water. He turns slightly and I notice strong tattooed arms folded across a broad chest. Without a conscious thought, or a choice, I begin to make my way towards him. Moving faster, my heart picks up speed and my breaths come in pants as a familiar feeling runs through me - home he feels like my home. I move faster but the man seems to be moving further away.
“Don't leave me!" I call out, but no matter how fast I move, I can’t reach him.
Splashes of warm water hit my cheeks, then my chest and I raise my hands to my face to stop the tears from falling.
“Please, stop," I croak out on a broken sob, but again he doesn't hear me.
The calmness I felt from earlier is gone leaving a chill in its place and I wrap my arms tight around myself in an attempt to ward off the cold. Slowing my footsteps, I watch as the man seems to disappear and the foggy white haze from only moments before seeps back in, taking over the beach. I'm left with nothing but white surrounding me once more as an echo of a whisper bounces around in the wind.
“Come back to me, baby.”
Falling to my knees, white fog billows up and around me, cocooning me and leaving me cold and alone. Sitting on my butt, I pull my knees in tight to my chest, bowing my head as gut-wrenching sobs rake through my body until I’m gasping for breath and my head begins to swirl.
I startle on feeling a warm hand rest on my shoulder, but I don’t lift my head - afraid if I do, they’ll disappear too. After a few moments of silence, a deep voice – one I know so well and miss so much more, reaches my ears and cuts off the sobs still escaping my mouth. I freeze in place as my head spins with his words.
“Shhh, Buttons, I’ve got you.”
Not wanting to believe what I’m hearing, I take in a few deep breaths. I’m worried my head is playing tricks on me and when I do look up, he’ll be gone again.
“When you’re ready, I’m here,” he whispers near my ear.
I swear the breath from his words glides down the side of my face as he wraps a strong arm around my shoulders drawing me into his side. I breathe in his familiar scent as I feel the warmth of his body seep into mine and the beat of his heart begins to vibrate the side of my face as I lay my head on his chest.
“Dad,” I whisper.
He places a kiss to the crown of my head and rests his chin there. After a few beats, I let myself relax into his hold and finally build up the courage to look into eyes. Eyes so much like mine. I let the tears fall, not wanting to wipe them away.
“Where am I?” I suck in a small breath and grip my father's shirt until my knuckles turn white, attempting to stop my hands from shaking and cementing me to the spot.
Without a word, he turns his head away from me and I follow his line of sight. The white fog slowly evaporates again, revealing a lush green field which we are sitting in. We’re surrounded by trees and off in the distance in a clearing is a child’s playground. It reminds me of the one my father used to take me to when I was little. Birds chirp around us, but otherwise the area is deserted. The whole scene sets off an ominous eerie feeling in my bones and I can’t stop the tremble as it rapidly races through me.
“I’ve got you Buttons, just watch.”
My dad’s deep voice washes over me again and I take a few deep breaths to bring myself under control. Looking around, it seems like everything is moving in slow motion until it all comes to a stop. Everything becomes still.
No movement.
No breeze.
Nothing, until a small child’s joyous laugh floats through the air and then, a cool breeze picks up, fluttering my hair around me.
“What are we waiting for?”
“Just wait,” my father says calmly, squeezing my shoulder.
After a few beats, the joyous laugh sweeps around me and sets off a current of heat running through my veins. Not knowing what to do and not wanting to let my father go, I squint through the clearing and notice a young girl smiling, laughing as she runs towards the swings tugging on her father's hand. I’m confused but something about it feels so familiar.
“Some of our best memories were when I took you to the park,” my father says wistfully.
Snapping my eyes towards my dad, I realise we’re heading towards the park.
“What’s going on?” Confusion laces my words and I watch the little girl being pushed on the swing. Squinting, I take a closer look at the man. He looks like my dad, only younger. I blink rapidly, convinced I’m seeing things, but then, it’s like a total time shift happens right in front of my eyes. The park disappears and in its place the beach materializes. I see myself on the shore, a young teen, laughing as I fall off the surfboard which lies still on the sand. My father is trying to teach me how to stand properly. My lips curve into a smile at the memory.
“Why are we here?” I whisper while watching a younger version of my father.
His head is thrown back on a deep laugh, he can’t understand how I could fall off a board while it’s stationary on the wet sand.
“I wanted you to see how happy you were.”
I nod and try to soak it all in before it disappears again.
“I’m
so sorry, dad.” Guilt prickles and claws at me.
“Why are you sorry, Buttons?”
Gripping me by the chin, he turns my face to look into his. A lone tear escapes down the curve of my cheek before he thumbs it away.
“You know why?” I choke out as my bottom lip starts to tremble.
Turning my face away once more, I try not to blink as the beach disappears and flashes of me riding a bike for the first time, my first school dance and graduating high school play like a movie around us and then everything stops. No motion what so ever. Everything goes dark, but not for long. Image after image pin to invisible curved walls, creating a circle surrounding me. My eyes dart around as I try to take it all in, but what I fixate on, is my father’s proud smiling face in each image.
“It didn’t matter what I did, you were always proud of me.” I turn in a circle with my arms out at my sides. “You always showed me you loved me.”
I come to a stop in front of him, a smile tugs at my lips as I look into eyes which never failed to lift me up when I fell.
“Ally, my beautiful girl.” He rests his hands on my shoulders and I soak in his comforting touch, never wanting him to let me go. “You hold so much guilt, but you have nothing to feel guilty about. None of what happened was your fault.” I open my mouth to protest but he places a finger over my lips.
“You deserve to be happy, you deserve a life with someone who will always show you they love you.”
“But...”
“No buts, Buttons, it’s time to fight for what you want in this life, push through the hard shit so you can finally have the good you deserve.”
“You were killed because of me, dad.” I sob as pain lances through my chest and my heart squeezes so tight, I gasp for breath.
“I died protecting my daughter.”
I connect with his eyes again, my vision blurry and attempt to soak in his words. It doesn’t prevent the hurt flowing through me. Sobs cause my chest to heave as his whispered words seem to get further and further away.