How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  Eric noticed that his opposite towel boy was rubbing the thick of the mud off Crystal. “Do you want anywhere else rubbed?” Eric generously offered.

  “Go on then,” Annabel replied, spreading her arms. Sadly for Eric though, she also shuffled around on her toes so that she was now facing away from him. Eric was happy to rub her back but he would rather have rubbed her baps.

  The host called for the girls to get ready for round two. “Remember, go defensive,” Eric advised.

  Annabel giggled and nodded. She found Eric’s desire to see her win rather funny, but also quite flattering.

  Round two, however, followed a much different pattern to round one. Crystal, it turned out, shared Eric’s competitive nature and was still feeling quite annoyed about being cheated out of what she felt was a perfectly legitimate point. Technically speaking, the judge had followed the letter of the law in his interpretation of the rules, but Crystal wasn’t bothered about the letter of the law. Her only concern at this moment in time was righting the injustice that had been perpetrated in the first round.

  So with this in mind, as soon as the bell rang she grabbed Annabel aggressively and flung her head first out of the pool. Annabel landed face first on the hard tiled floor surrounding the wrestling pool, then got up to her knees and rubbed her forehead, swaying as she did so.

  Eric dashed over with a towel and asked Annabel if she was okay.

  “Ow, my head,” she replied.

  Eric turned to Crystal. “Hey, man! What’re you doing?! It’s just meant to be a bit of fun, man,” he exclaimed, appearing to sharply change his tune. In his defence though, whilst he had always been a naturally competitive person, he nevertheless generally restrained his competitiveness to within the rules of the game and the boundaries of common sense. In his opinion Crystal had definitely crossed both of these lines.

  The host agreed with Eric and instructed Crystal to calm things down or he would have to award a point against her. As it turned out though, Annabel had had enough of wrestling for one day and decided to retire. Eric had a brief argument with the host that Crystal had won by cheating and that you can’t have a cheat benefiting from cheating, so technically she should be disqualified. The host though, seemed to think that the idea behind bikini mud wrestling was that it was all about a load of guys having a good perv and that Eric was missing the point. Not surprisingly, this left Eric feeling quite annoyed at the host’s lackadaisical approach to fairness and justice.

  “Hey, he’s a proper idiot, him, like,” he exclaimed, as he walked Annabel back to the changing rooms.

  “Thanks anyway,” Annabel replied.

  “What’s the point of having a competition if you’re just gonna let people cheat?” Eric asked, rhetorically. “It’s completely stupid.”

  “I don’t mind,” Annabel replied, smiling. “It was just a bit of fun in any case.”

  “Aye, but that’s not the point,” Eric insisted. “Even if it’s a friendly football match the ref still applies the rules. You wouldn’t just let people off with a foul just cos it’s a friendly. Otherwise, what’s the point? It’d be completely pointless.”

  By now they had arrived at the changing rooms. “Anyway, I’m going to get changed now,” Annabel remarked.

  “Ar, right, aye,” Eric acknowledged. “Do you fancy going for something to eat after you’ve got changed, though? My treat. I’ve had a bit of luck on the pokies so I’m canny flush at the minute, like.” Eric wasn’t usually the sort to offer free food but he somehow felt a sense of responsibility to right the injustice that Annabel had suffered and he figured that treating her to a meal was as good a way as any to do this. Or perhaps his generosity may also have been motivated by the fact that Annabel was totally fit.

  “Yeah, that’d be nice,” Annabel agreed.

  While Annabel was getting changed Eric suddenly realised that he wasn’t one hundred percent certain that he and Rachel had split up. Not that they were ever boyfriend and girlfriend, but they’d seen each other a few times and it was just common decency when you’ve seen a lass a few times not to go out with any other lasses.

  So he sent Rachel the following text message:

  ‘Alright, I’ve just met this really fit lass and I was gonna go for a meal with her but I just thought I’d better check with you first that we’ve definitely split up. Like, the other day when you were in the huff with uz when I was going on about the aliens, that definitely meant you’d bombed uz out, didn’t it? Just to clarify? Just cos I’m not a two-timer or nothing so I’m just making sure I’m definitely single. Cheers.

  If you could let uz know quite quickly it’d be appreciated cos she’s getting changed at the moment and she’ll be ready in a few minutes.

  Cheers.’

  Rachel texted back the following reply:

  ‘Dickhead.’

  Eric smiled as he read her message. ‘Ar, class! I think that means I’m definitely single,’ he thought to himself, just as Annabel emerged from the changing rooms.

  “I’ll just have to let my mates know first,” he remarked. “I’ll just be two seconds.”

  “Okay,” Annabel nodded.

  So Eric quickly dashed back to Jixyl and Azleev to let them know of the latest developments.

  “Hey, guess what? Totally fluky, like! That lass wants to go for a meal with uz,” he beamed. “So d’you mind hanging about for a bit and then just meeting up again in a couple of hours?”

  “Well what about your chicken platter?” Azleev pointed out. He nodded at Eric’s meal, which the waitress had brought to their table a few minutes ago.

  “Well, really I’m not that fussed about the chicken platter,” Eric admitted. “I just wanted to perv on the bikini mud wrestling.”

  Jixyl didn’t seem quite as happy for Eric as he had expected. “We’ll hang on for a couple of hours but if it’s any longer than that then we’ll have to head off cos I’ve got to be back on Fyra for a lecture tomorrow, so make sure it’s no longer than a couple of hours,” he ordered.

  “Ar,” Eric faltered, looking slightly disappointed. “You see, when I said a couple of hours, what I was secretly meaning was that I’d say a couple of hours but then hopefully by then me and Annabel would be getting on really well and I’d get invited back to her room and then I’d just meet yous in the morning.”

  “Well sorry, but I’ve got a lecture tomorrow so that’s not possible,” Jixyl repeated.

  “Nar but, like, she’s really fit,” Eric explained, as if Jixyl hadn’t quite grasped the situation.

  “Aye, I know,” Jixyl acknowledged. “I saw her wrestling.”

  “So, like, d’you not reckon hang on ’til the morning then?” Eric suggested once again.

  “No, I’ve already explained,” Jixyl replied. “I can’t.”

  “But she’s really fit, man,” Eric re-repeated.

  “Well yeah, but what can I do?” Jixyl shrugged. “Do you want uz to miss my lecture, like?”

  “Well yeah … obviously,” Eric shrugged back, failing to realise why Jixyl thought this was such a big deal. “She’s really fit, man.”

  “I can’t miss my lecture, man,” Jixyl maintained. “I’ve got important exams coming up in a few weeks.”

  “Aye, but she’s really fit, man,” Eric remarked, seemingly unaware that he had already pointed this out on numerous occasions already.

  “Here, man! I can’t miss my lecture!” Jixyl snapped, finally losing his patience.

  “Hey, I don’t believe you, like!” Eric snapped back. “You’re being a total snide!”

  “Can you not make your own way back home?” Azleev suggested, trying to be helpful.

  “From Las Vegas? Nar, course not. I haven’t got my passport,” Eric pointed out.

  “Well you should have brought it with you, then,” Jixyl proclaimed.

  “Well I would have done if I’d realised you were going to be a total snide, like,” Eric replied, “but I foolishly thought you were canny sound.”
r />   “Well sorry but that’s just the way it is,” Jixyl retorted.

  “You can still go for a meal with her,” Azleev consoled.

  “Well yeah, but what’s the point of that?” Eric shrugged. “I don’t know how it works on your planet but on Earth we don’t look at a lass and think, ‘Mmm, she’s nice. I’d like to go for a romantic meal with her.’ We look at a lass and think, ‘Mmm, she’s fit. I’d like to get down to some hot jiggy style lovin’ with her,’ but if I say that to her face she’ll probably think I’m totally shallow and one-dimensional so I’ll get no action, so rather than be honest with her I’ll pretend I want to go for a romantic meal with her in the hope of greater things to follow.”

  “Well yeah, that’s how it works on Fyra as well,” Jixyl acknowledged, “but what can I do? I’ve got a lecture.”

  “Hey, I cannit believe you, like!” Eric snapped, and he stormed off in the direction of Annabel. After taking a few steps he turned back and remarked, “She’s really fit, man!” then carried on walking towards Annabel, shaking his head as he did.

  Annabel could tell by Eric’s face that he was upset about something, “What’s up?” she asked.

  “My total idiot mates are being total idiots,” Eric explained. “We’re meant to be going to L.A. tomorrow morning but they’ve decided to head off now so I’m soz but we can’t go for a meal cos they’ve got the car so I have to go with them.” Strictly speaking, I suppose you could argue that this was a flawed and inaccurate excuse, on the basis that it was totally made up, but Eric figured it was nicer to let Annabel think he did actually want to have a meal with her but unfortunately circumstances had conspired against him, rather than come clean and admit that he just wanted to sleep with her and now that that wasn’t an option he had no interest in spending his money on her any more.

  “Ar, well I‘m going to L.A. tomorrow as well,” Annabel revealed, “so I could drop you off if you want.”

  “Where would I stay tonight, though?” Eric queried.

  “You could sleep at my place,” Annabel suggested.

  “Ar, right! Excellent!” Eric exclaimed, momentarily forgetting that his story about going to L.A. was a total lie, and that his actual problem was that he was passportless.

  “So where do you want to go for something to eat?” Annabel asked.

  Eric then suddenly felt gutted as he remembered that his real problem was a lack of a passport, not a lift to L.A. “Em … well, I’m not bothered. You can just decide and I’ll just go and tell my mates that I’ll just meet them tomorrow while you’re deciding,” he remarked.

  So Eric dashed quickly back to Jixyl and Azleev. “Here, we need to leave quickly,” he ordered.

  “Why, like?” Jixyl inquired.

  “Cos I told her I had to leave now cos yous are going to L.A., so she’s offered to let uz sleep at hers tonight and then give uz a lift to L.A. tomorrow,” Eric revealed.

  “She’s up for spending the night with you?” Azleev asked.

  “Well there’s been no categoric agreement of any definite action or anything,” Eric clarified, “but it’s a step in the right direction.”

  “Nice one!” Jixyl congratulated.

  “Aye, well it would be … if my story about L.A. was actually true and you weren’t being a snide!” Eric pointed out, feeling annoyed that Jixyl had the cheek to congratulate him on a potential situation which wasn’t going to happen purely because of Jixyl’s stubbornness.

  “Well, here! Don’t take it out on me!” Jixyl snapped back. “You shouldn’t have told her a load of patter about going to L.A.”

  “Well I could hardly say, ‘Ar, nar, actually I’m not really travelling round America. I actually got here on a spaceship cos my two mates are actually aliens and they’ve got to be back on their planet by tomorrow so that’s why I really have to leave now, cos one of them’s a snide,’ cos if I told her that it would totally spoil my chances with her cos she’d think I was mental.”

  “Well running away is hardly likely to help your chances with her either, like,” Jixyl pointed out.

  “Aye, true, I suppose,” Eric realised. “I suppose I should really go back and tell her the truth.”

  “You can’t tell anyone about us,” Azleev instructed, looking slightly concerned. “Earth’s a non-contact planet. We could get into trouble.”

  “Don’t worry. She won’t believe uz,” Eric replied. “She’ll just think I’m mental.”

  “Well is that not a bad thing?” Jixyl questioned.

  “Well yeah, but at least then she won’t think I’ve bombed her out,” Eric remarked. “Trust uz … Earth lasses totally hate getting bombed out, like. She’ll definitely prefer to think I’m just a mental freak rather than feel rejected. Earth lasses hate rejection more than they hate meeting mental freaks.”

  “But will she not just think you’re pretending to be a mental freak and that actually you’re really just a coward who’s too scared to tell her the truth and admit that you’re actually just bombing her out?” Jixyl proposed.

  “Ar, aye. Man. She might,” Eric admitted.

  “Look, you can’t tell her we’re aliens,” Azleev reaffirmed.

  “I think I’d better go back anyway,” Eric decided, “just to avoid getting bad karma.”

  So Eric walked back across to the changing room to speak to Annabel again.

  “You seemed to be a while,” she observed. “I thought you might have changed your mind.”

  “Ar … er, nar,” Eric muttered. “I was just getting my mates off the scene.” He then paused. “Look, you’re gonna think I’m mental when I say this but I swear it’s the truth … and I’m only telling you cos you seem really nice so you deserve to know the truth … but anyway …” Eric stared at Annabel’s face and deliberated on how exactly to bring up the subject of aliens. “Well, you see…” Annabel stared at Eric expectantly. “Well, basically…” Eric took a deep breath and composed himself to tell Annabel the truth. “Well … like, when I asked you if you fancied going for a meal I basically just wanted to have sex with you.” As you may have noticed, at the last minute Eric decided that discussing aliens was a bad idea.

  “Why did you swear it’s the truth?” Annabel inquired. “Did you not think I would believe you?”

  Eric realised that the start of his confession didn’t fit too well with the end of the confession. “No, it’s just…” He racked his brains for an explanation for this apparent inconsistency in his patter.

  “Cos I mean it’s hardly unusual for a guy to want to have sex with me,” Annabel declared. This may have sounded rather arrogant but she wasn’t an arrogant person. She was merely being truthful. If anything it was simply an acknowledgement of the psychology of men, rather than a boast regarding her own attractiveness.

  “Ar, yeah. I know…”

  “And why would I think you were mental for wanting to have sex with me?” Annabel quizzed, looking quite confused.

  “Em…” Eric realised that this aspect of his inconsistent patter could possibly be construed as being quite cheeky.

  “Are you saying I’m not attractive?” Annabel asked.

  “Nar, course not. I just meant… Like…” Eric racked his brains frantically for an explanation. “Well … just, like … em, you know, like … you obviously won’t think I’m mental for wanting to have sex with you. I just meant you probably might think I’m mental for admitting it.” Eric was fairly pleased with this hastily concocted explanation. “Just cos, like, most dudes act all sincere and deep and all that when really we’re just shallow and full of patter. But I just suddenly thought what’s the point of lying so I thought I might as well be honest.”

  “Well I appreciate your honesty,” Annabel acknowledged. “So anyway, do you want to skip the meal?”

  Eric’s brain ticked over for a moment until he realised what Annabel was suggesting. “Ar, class!” he exclaimed, not even bothering to act cool about this rather appealing amendment to the schedule.


  “And seeing as how we’re being all honest I need to come clean as well. I’m not really going to L.A. tomorrow,” Annabel confessed.

  “So how were you gonna drop uz off, then?” Eric asked.

  “I wasn’t,” Annabel admitted, sharing Eric’s sudden alleged desire for honesty.

  “Eh! So you were just gonna let uz get stuck here in Vegas!?” Eric shrieked, feeling rather put out. “Eh! That was canny snidey, like!”

  “Well, no. The Greyhound bus is only sixty dollars,” Annabel shrugged.

  Eric was quite upset by Annabel’s deceit, even though he himself wasn’t being entirely honest with her. Yes, it was true that he wanted to have sex with her, but he still hadn’t told her about his alien companions.

  “Eh!” Eric repeated. “What if the Greyhound was sold out?”

  Annabel considered this scenario. “I didn’t really think about that,” she confessed. “But anyway, would it really be such a hardship to spend an extra day with me?”

  Eric smiled. “Well … no.”

  “Anyway, are we going to mine or yours?” she asked.

  “Em … yours is probably best, like,” Eric replied. “But can we be less than two hours, though? Just cos that way I can still get a lift with my mates. Just in case the Greyhound is fully booked.”

  “I thought you just said it wouldn’t be a hardship to spend an extra day with me,” Annabel queried.

  “Well it’s not … but it would mean another sixty dollars and I’m on a bit of a tight budget,” Eric bluffed, thinking on his feet.

  “I thought you said you’d had a bit of good luck on the pokies and were feeling quite flush,” Annabel recalled, spotting yet another flaw in Eric’s quickly concocted story.

  “Em…” Eric stuttered, as he struggled to think of yet another lie to dig himself out of the hole he was rapidly digging himself into.

  Meanwhile, Jixyl and Azleev were discussing the current developments.

  “We could have left in the morning and still made it back in time for your lecture, you know,” Azleev remarked.