How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “Aye, fair enough,” Eric finally acknowledged. “I see what you’re saying, I suppose.”

  An interesting potential subject for discussion occurred to Kesta at this point. “Aye anyway, that’s one we haven’t done yet … top three nationalities.”

  “Do you mean for lasses?” Eric quizzed.

  “No, I meant for gross domestic output per capita over the last seven fiscal years,” Kesta replied, sarcastically.

  Eric smirked. “That was sarcasm, wasn’t it?” he asked.

  “Very perceptive,” Kesta smiled. “Yeah, it was sarcasm. I obviously meant top three nationalities for lasses.”

  “Well my top two are obviously Sveltish then Nedlandish,” Eric confirmed, “and then for my number three I have to say I reckon Nipponese lasses are class as well, like.”

  “Hmm, I’m not too sure about Nipponese lasses, like,” Zonny commented. “They’re a bit too weird for me.”

  “That’s partly why I like them,” Eric revealed. “I love their fun quirkiness. And obviously they’ve got class fashion sense as well.”

  “Ar, obviously,” Kesta sarcastically agreed. “That goes without saying.”

  “Eric, man. What’s fashion sense got to do with anything?” Zonny questioned.

  “Well I just really fancy lasses that know how to dress well,” Eric explained. “Good fashion sense can give a lass an extra twenty percent.”

  Kesta nodded over towards a lass stood at the bar a few metres away from them. “Oo, look at the fashion sense on her,” he joked. “That’s got to be worth an extra twenty percent in anyone’s book.”

  Zonny and Hex found this funny but Eric didn’t get the joke. “You’re joking, aren’t you?” he exclaimed. “She’s wearing a novelty souvenir t-shirt!”

  “Yes, very perceptive once again, Eric,” Kesta replied. “I was joking.”

  “I was gonna say, like,” Eric remarked, “cos novelty t-shirts incur a twenty percent penalty. They certainly don’t get a bonus.”

  “Hey, Eric, man. I don’t know why you’re so fussed about fashion sense, like,” Kesta commented.

  At this moment a fit lass wearing a skimpy white bikini with a fluffy bunny tail and fluffy bunny ears walked past. “So you’re saying you can’t appreciate her fashion sense?” Eric queried.

  “Well, aye. Obviously I’m extremely in favour of her outfit,” Kesta acknowledged, “but that’s more to do with the flesh to clothes ratio, rather than her sense of style. Seriously, man. A fit body’s what you want. Not smart dress sense.”

  “Yeah, I’m not denying that a fit body’s a factor,” Eric agreed, “but a sharp fashion sense is important in the attractiveness stakes as well, like.”

  “Well it hasn’t done you much good, has it?” Zonny joked. This was intended as a cheeky dig at Eric’s poor scoring skills, but Eric took it as a hidden compliment and acknowledgement of his sharp fashion sense.

  “Anyway, what’s your top three, then?” Eric nodded at Zonny, still feeling smug about the hidden compliment.

  “Sveltish number one, obviously,” Zonny replied, “then probably Oztrasian lasses number two.”

  “Aye, Oztrasian lasses are excellent, like,” Eric agreed.

  “Then how come they weren’t in your top three, then?” Hex inquired.

  “Just cos I just seem to click with them on a purely friendly level,” Eric explained. “Like, they generally don’t seem to fancy uz … but they’re proper sound, like, and they’re obviously canny fit as well, so if they ever start fancying uz then they’d have to be a serious contender for my top three.”

  “Sveltish and Nedlandish lasses don’t fancy you either,” Kesta pointed out, “but they still made your top three.”

  Eric couldn’t help chuckling at this astute observation. Zonny and Hex also deemed Kesta’s remark chuckleworthy.

  “Aye, and I’d probably go for Polskan lasses at number three,” Zonny concluded. Eric pulled a face. “What’s wrong with that, like?” Zonny asked.

  “Dodgy fashion sense,” Eric replied.

  “Eric, man! I don’t care about fashion sense,” Zonny exclaimed. “I just like the way Polskan lasses are generally needy and desperate.”

  “Aye just cos they come from a comparatively less rich region of Fem,” Eric remarked. “I like needy desperate lasses myself – don’t we all – but I like their neediness and desperateness to be hormonally motivated, rather than financially motivated.”

  “As long as they’re desperate I don’t care why,” Zonny replied.

  “And obviously I was on about short term neediness,” Eric clarified. “I’m not into long term neediness obviously.”

  It was Kesta’s turn next. “Sveltish number one,” he quickly confirmed, “then I think I’d have to go for Bralizish lasses as my number two.” Eric pulled another face. “Is their fashion sense not good enough for you either, like?” Kesta asked.

  “It’s partly that, but I’m not that keen on their body language either,” Eric answered.

  Zonny, Kesta and Hex started laughing, bemusedly. “Hey, you’ve got some weird criteria, you, like, Eric,” Hex smirked.

  “I mean, don’t get uz wrong … Bralizish lasses tend to have totally fit bodies,” Eric continued, “but it’s, like, when they walk there’s a sort of a wiggle to their walk that I’m not that keen on.”

  “That’s what makes them so sexy, man, Eric,” Kesta argued.

  “Aye, but it’s not very cool,” Eric asserted, “and I prefer cool to sexy.”

  “Well how come you like Sveltish lasses, then?” Hex inquired.

  “Cos they’re totally lush,” Eric pointed out.

  “Yeah, but they’re totally sexy,” Hex declared. “And you were just saying you’re not really into sexiness.”

  “Nar, don’t get uz wrong. I like lasses to be sexy,” Eric clarified, “but Sveltish lasses are just naturally sexy by virtue of the fact that they’re so lush. They don’t, like, wear loads of make-up. They don’t dress overly sexy. They don’t walk with a wiggle, like, as if they want attention. They don’t try to be sexy. They just are sexy. They’re just so confident and secure in the knowledge that all dudes fancy them that they can afford to be chilled and laidback, and that comes across in their body language. That’s what makes Sveltish lasses sexy,” Eric opined. “Well … that and their lush fit bodies,” he added, as an afterthought. “And their lush good looking faces as well, obviously,” he added, as a further afterthought. “And mebbees their lush sexy accents as well.”

  “So in fact it’s not all that patter that you just came out with after all,” Zonny observed. “It’s just the fact that they’re just generally lush.”

  “Hmm, actually … yeah, mebbees,” Eric admitted.

  “Anyway, number three is…?” Hex asked, addressing Kesta.

  “I’d probably go for Georgish lasses at number three,” Kesta announced.

  “Oo … controversial,” Hex mused.

  “What’s controversial about that, like?” Kesta asked.

  “Just cos I mean … well, yous all come from Georgeland[61],” Hex explained, “and, like, variety is the spice of life and all that. Not ‘same old, same old.’”

  “I know what you’re saying,” Kesta acknowledged, “but I just think there’s a lot of Georgish lasses that rate highly, like.”

  “Aye, Georgish lasses are excellent as well, like,” Eric agreed, before adding, “Well … not the average ones, obviously. The average ones are just average … but the excellent ones are excellent.”

  “Once again, Eric’s perceptiveness reaches never-before-seen levels of insight,” Kesta smirked.

  “What about the fairly nice ones?” Hex asked.

  “Hmm…” Eric pondered, as he considered his assessment of fairly nice Georgish lasses. “Aye, fairly nice ones are fairly nice, like.”

  Hex was the last to provide his top three nationalities. “Sveltish number one,” he stated.

  “Oo, controversial,” Kesta jo
ked, mirroring Hex’s own comment from a few moments earlier. “Picking your own country.”

  “It’s not controversial to pick your own country if you come from Sveltland,” Hex explained.

  “It’d be controversial not to,” Eric added.

  “Is that the excellent Sveltish lasses you’re talking about or just the average ones?” Kesta queried, sarcastically.

  The question was aimed at Hex but it was Eric who answered it. “There’s no average Sveltish lasses, like. They’re all lush,” he declared. “Obviously you’ve got your three subcategories of lushness, i.e. canny lush, totally lush and totally utterly lush … but most Sveltish lasses fall into the second and third subcategories. The merely canny lush sub-category is comparatively small.”

  “Yeah, for once Eric you’re talking sense there, like,” Hex agreed, before adding, “And for my number two I have to say I like Georgish lasses as well.”

  “You see, I’m not the only one with good taste,” Kesta smiled.

  “I just think Georgish lasses have got a more up-for-it attitude than a lot of other nationalities,” Hex explained, before clarifying, “And I don’t just mean that in a pervy way. Like, Georgish lasses just seem to always have a really good sense of fun, you know.”

  “Aye, they have, like,” Kesta agreed.

  “I tell you what else I like about Georgish lasses,” Eric interjected. “I understand them better than other lasses. When you haven’t been travelling you think you don’t really understand lasses, and it’s not until you go travelling and meet other nationalities that you realise, ‘Actually, compared to foreign lasses, I understand Georgish lasses quite well.’

  Like, with other lasses I’ve probably only got about a two percent understanding of what’s going on inside their heads. But with Georgish lasses it’s maybe as high as … oo, mebbees even two and a half percent.” In reality Eric was being harsh on himself, as the true figure was closer to three percent. Maybe even as high as three and a half percent in some cases.

  “And at number three I’d be tempted to go for Flindish lasses,” Hex concluded, completing the final top three.

  “Aye, I have to say, I do like Flindish lasses,” Zonny agreed.

  “I’ve never really met any,” Eric revealed, “but I’d imagine they’re canny nice.”

  “You imagine correctly,” Hex confirmed.

  “Actually, I don’t imagine they’re canny nice,” Eric back-tracked. “What I’d actually imagine is that they’re all lesbian sex goddesses.” He then stared contentedly into space for a few moments. “No, actually … what I’d actually imagine is that they’re all bi-curious lesbian sex goddesses.”

  “Do they have to be bi-curious lesbians, or could they be bi-curious heterosexuals?” Zonny inquired.

  “Hmm…” Eric pondered. “Actually, that’d make a good ‘Would You Rather?’ question. Would you rather score with two bi-curious lesbians or score with two bi-curious heterosexual lasses?”

  “It depends who’s got the biggest baps,” Zonny joked.

  “Nar, seriously,” Eric replied.

  “It seriously depends on who’s got the biggest baps,” Zonny repeated.

  “Well they’ve all got equally fit bodies,” Eric clarified, “but, like, seriously? Are you more bothered about bap size than bap pertness, are you?”

  “What can I say? I like big baps,” Zonny shrugged.

  “You see, I’m more bothered about pertness,” Eric replied.

  “Yeah, same here,” Hex agreed.

  “I’m not that fussed about size,” Eric continued. “As long as they’re not freakishly large or anorexically small then they’re fine.”

  “Just fine?” Kesta smirked.

  “Well, nar, obviously they’re a lot better than just fine. They’re totally excellent,” Eric corrected, “but anyway, pertness is my main consideration.”

  “Don’t get uz wrong,” Zonny replied, “pertness is an important factor as well, but size is my top priority.”

  “I can appreciate all sizes,” Eric commented, “although I have to admit, slightly bigger baps are better for squeezing and slightly smaller baps are better for sucking.”

  “You’ve obviously conducted a lot of research on the matter,” Hex suggested.

  “Not as much as I’d have liked, alas,” Eric admitted. “And I’d say as well … slightly smaller baps are better for fashion purposes. It’s easier for a lass to dress really cool if she’s got slightly smaller baps.”

  Zonny, Kesta and Hex just looked at each other open-mouthed in disbelief. It was Hex who eventually spoke. “Hey Eric, sometimes I wonder which planet you come from.”

  Eric couldn’t help giggling at the irony of Hex’s unintentionally perceptive comment. He eventually managed to get his giggling fit under control, though.

  “Aye, you’re spot on there, like, Eric,” Kesta sarcastically agreed. “When I scored with that lass with generously proportioned baps the other night, I couldn’t help thinking, ‘Hey, her outfit’s crap, like. If only she had smaller baps.’”

  “Well, nar, obviously I don’t think like that when I’m horny,” Eric explained, “but, like, now when I’m not horny and I can be objective, then smaller baps are definitely better for fashion purposes.” He then, however, thought of an example that contradicted what he had just said. “Although actually … that’s just a generalisation though, not a hard and fast rule. Cos Appa Hat’s baps are a decent size and she’s still got totally class fashion sense, like.”

  “Who’s Appa Hat?” Zonny inquired.

  “It’s this Sveltish lass that Eric’s got a total crush on,” Kesta revealed.

  “I haven’t got a crush on her. I just think she’s really, really attractive,” Eric nit-picked. “And, like, totally cool.”

  “Sounds like you’ve got a crush on her to me, like,” Hex observed.

  “So what’s the difference then between having a crush on a lass and thinking she’s really attractive?” Kesta inquired.

  “Like, for example, to use a footballing example … I reckon Woolton Wanderers are really attractive, but I’ve got a crush on Blaydon Toon,” Eric explained.

  “Ar, right. I see what you mean,” Kesta replied. “So, like, you’re saying Appa Hat’s not the fittest lass in Ko Pagna, but she’s just your personal object of desire.”

  “No, I’m saying it the other way round. I’m saying she is the fittest lass in Ko Pagna but I haven’t got a crush on her,” Eric clarified. “But if I was going to have a crush then it would definitely be on Appa Hat, like, cos I’m a pure glory supporter when it comes to lasses.”

  “What’s she look, like, then?” Hex inquired. “Like, who is she?”

  “Well have you seen them two really fit Sveltish lasses that usually stand next to the big screen?” Eric described. “They haven’t had them on for a couple of days, but they sometimes wear Appa Hats[62].”

  “Ar, aye. I think I know who you mean,” Zonny replied. “One’s blonde and the other one’s a brunette.”

  “Aye,” Eric confirmed. “Well the blonde one’s Appa Hat and the brunette’s Appa Hat’s Mate.” The four friends had adopted the practise of giving lasses code names, a practise common among all dudes on Ko Pagna, in fact also common on many beach resorts back on Earth.

  “Ar, I prefer Appa Hat’s Mate,” Hex remarked.

  “Ar, don’t get uz wrong. They’re both really fit,” Eric acknowledged, “but I’d have to say that Appa Hat’s my Blaydon Toon, like.” He then quickly corrected himself. “Well … if I was gonna have a crush, like. Which I haven’t. So technically I suppose she’s my Woolton Wanderers.”

  “There’s no shame in having a crush,” Kesta commented. “It happens to us all from time to time.”

  “Ar, I know,” Eric agreed, “but I haven’t got a crush so there’s no point saying I have when I haven’t. I just think she’s really fit. Like, she’s just got, like, totally lush body language. Like, she just totally exudes confidence and irrad
iates happiness. Like, she’s obviously a really happy confident person.”

  Hex, Kesta and Zonny were smirking by this point.

  “And, like, I love the way she walks,” Eric continued. “Like, her walk’s got a sort of swagger to it, but not in an arrogant way. Like, you can tell she’s got a high opinion of herself but that’s just cos she’s a good judge of character … not because she’s arrogant. Like, she doesn’t think she’s better than anyone else or anything … even though she blatantly is. Like, her walk sort of says, ‘Look at how good I am, but you can also be this good. My level of excellence is achievable by everyone else as well.’ But she’s just being humble when her walk says that, like, cos her level of excellence is blatantly out of the reach of most people.”

  “And her walk says all that, does it?” Kesta smiled. “Hey, she’s got a very talkative walk, like.”

  “And when it comes to unnecessary accessories, she’s totally the master,” Eric continued. “Like I said, her all-round fashion sense is totally excellent but that’s one area in particular where she excels … unnecessary accessories.”

  Kesta nodded at an attractive lass a few metres behind them standing next to one of the podiums. “Oo … look at the accessories on her,” he remarked, with mock pervy enthusiasm.

  “She’s not wearing any accessories,” Eric observed.

  “I wasn’t talking about her fashion sense,” Kesta sniggered. Actually, come to think of it, there was probably no ‘mock’ about Kesta’s pervy enthusiasm at all. It was probably genuine pervy enthusiasm masquerading as mock pervy enthusiasm. Anyway, Zonny, Hex and Eric soon shared in the sniggering.

  After a few moments of mirthful enjoyment Kesta turned to Eric. “Seriously, though, Eric … it’s a bit worrying how you’ve got this big obsession with fashion sense.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with appreciating a lass that knows how to dress well,” Eric defended.

  “Yeah, but if you go on about fashion too much, people might think you come across as being a bit gay,” Kesta pointed out.

  “Shut up, man!” Eric retorted. “How’s that like?”

  “Well that’s just the perception people have of gay dudes,” Kesta explained. “That they like their fashion.”