How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  They had only been cuddled up for a few seconds when Eric noticed an ant crawling over the bed sheet, so instinctively he splatted it into the sheet with the tip of his finger.

  Elskar rested her head on his shoulder. “That’s the worst thing you can do,” she remarked.

  Eric looked confused for a moment. “Surely killing every living species on an entire planet is worse than killing an ant,” he pointed out. He knew Elskar wasn’t being literal so his reply was meant in a jokey manner, but he couldn’t help feeling a pang of anger as he reminded himself of what he still believed were the Femlings’ twisted intentions. But then Elskar playfully hit him and squeezed her breasts into his chest and the pang of anger was quickly replaced by a pang of something else.

  Nevertheless though, it was a subject that had been niggling away inside Eric for quite some time now. And what made it worse was that Jixyl and Azleev had cautioned him not to mention the ‘Quality Of Life’ proposal to any Femlings, as it might potentially blow his cover if any Femlings sensed that he didn’t support it quite as passionately as they did.

  “I didn’t mean it like that,” Elskar clarified. “I just mean if you want to get rid of ants then to kill an ant is the worst thing you can do because it only attracts more ants.”

  “I’ve heard that before, like, actually,” Eric admitted, “but is it actually true?”

  “I think so,” Elskar replied.

  “Just cos, like, that seems a bit weird to me, like. Cos, like, nature’s usually canny intelligent, like,” Eric reasoned, “but to me that seems like a pretty gormless thing to do. Like, I can’t understand how if you kill an ant he’d send out a signal to all his ant mates saying, ‘Here, everyone. Come over here. It’s class, like. This big dude splats you with his finger and you die.’

  And then, like, all his ant mates go, ‘Ar, aye. That sounds class, that, like. Here everyone, let’s all go over there and get splatted.’ And then they all go, ‘Ar, right, aye. That sounds like a good idea, like.’

  Like, why would nature do that? It’d be a bit of a snidey trick by nature if you ask me, like. Like, I mean it’s basically saying that nature goes, ‘Ha! Ha! I’ve thought of a lush snaky trick to play on some ants. I’m gonna make them all follow their ant mate that just got splatted, so that they all get killed as well. Ha! Ha!’ Like, surely nature wouldn’t be that snidey? Like, surely it would make more sense for nature to send out a signal saying, ‘Here, ant dudes. Stay away from here, like. It’s a bit rubbish over here cos you get killed. I reckon you should go somewhere else where you won’t die and you get to stay alive and all that, cos staying alive is much better than dying, like.’”

  Elskar just looked at Eric somewhat bemused at his choice of conversation.

  “Just cos, like I say, usually nature’s really intelligent,” Eric continued. “Like for example, you’re really attractive so all dudes would want to have sex with you … and that’s nature being clever cos you’re probably at the prime of your fertility so it makes sense for nature to make the most fertile lasses also the most attractive. Like, to ensure the survival of the species and all that.

  But then, like, once a lass is pregnant nature doesn’t have to make her attractive anymore. Once she’s pregnant it’s more important that she’s safe and protected, so then nature makes dudes feel all protective towards pregnant lasses, rather than all horny, like.

  So, like, usually nature is canny intelligent, like. Like, it’s got its head screwed on properly, like. It’s got its priorities straight.

  So that’s why I just can’t understand why it would send loads of ants scampering to their deaths. Like, surely if anything it would warn them.”

  “It’s just what I’ve heard,” Elskar shrugged. She clearly hadn’t given the subject as much thought as Eric had.

  “Yeah, I’ve heard it before as well,” Eric acknowledged. “I’m just saying though, just cos people say it, doesn’t mean it’s true.”

  Elskar, however, wasn’t particularly bothered about ants. There was another subject that had been playing on her mind all night which she was far more interested in discussing. “Anyway, if you’re saying I’m attractive and men want to have sex with me then how come you didn’t try anything on with me last night?” she inquired, raising the aforementioned issue.

  Eric wasn’t expecting Elskar to ask him that question. He was far more comfortable talking about ants. But the question had now been asked so he couldn’t just ignore it. The tricky thing was though, he wasn’t exactly sure how to respond to such a question. Mainly because it wasn’t a question he was often asked, as generally when a lass came back to his room with him he always tried it on. So this was new territory for him.

  The reason why in this instance he had refrained from trying anything on with Elskar was obviously because of the Telix-17 virus. He realised that he had to snog lasses to save the Earth, or at least that’s what he still believed, but on the other hand he really liked Elskar. And there was a part of him that was considering just saying, ‘Ar, well. Tough crap on Earth,’ and trying to start a proper relationship with Elskar. Obviously the fact that the moment he snogged her he would be signing her death warrant presented a bit of an obstacle to any future they might possibly have together, but he wasn’t thinking logically.

  “I mean it was really nice to just cuddle up,” Elskar continued. “And it was really sweet … but it was a bit strange.”

  ‘Ar, nar!’ Eric instantly thought to himself. ‘The dreaded ‘S’ word.’ Sweet. Just to clarify things. Not ‘strange,’ although that was hardly ideal either. But ‘sweet’ was the frightening word. That was generally how a lass described you if she liked you but didn’t fancy you. Obviously in this situation, given the discussions he had had with Elskar last night and given that Elskar was currently giving out the vibe that she wanted Eric to try it on with her, Eric was pretty sure that Elskar did actually fancy him, but it was still worrying nonetheless. All things considered Eric decided that in this instance the use of the ‘S’ word was probably Elskar’s way of saying, ‘Look, I fancy you at the moment but if you carry on being sweet for much longer you’ll have missed your chance and I won’t fancy you anymore.’

  “Ar, like, don’t worry. I definitely fancy you,” Eric reassured her. “Like, you’re totally lush and all that.” He then became a bit paranoid that this might come across as being a bit over the top. “Well … I mean, like, you’re really attractive and all that. But, like, obviously I haven’t known you that long so I’m still canny chilled and all that, like.” He shrugged his shoulders in an unsuccessful attempt to look chilled. “But given how long I’ve known you I’m really attracted to you. Like, I’d obviously noticed you kicking about before last night and I wanted to get to know you so I was chuffed when you came up to uz in the pool and all that.”

  “So how come you didn’t try anything on?” Elskar repeated. “Do you have a girlfriend?”

  “Ar, no,” Eric quickly replied. But then he wondered if he had responded too hastily. Maybe a girlfriend would be a suitable excuse as to why he couldn’t snog her. He quickly decided though, that it would also be a suitable reason as to why they couldn’t have a relationship so he quickly dismissed it as an unsuitable line of patter to follow. “Nar, I’m single and all that.”

  “So what then?” Elskar quizzed.

  “Ar, well … like, you’re really fit and all that,” Eric mumbled.

  “You’ve already said that,” Elskar pointed out.

  “Ar, yeah, but, like … I’m just making sure you realise,” Eric stuttered.

  “I realise,” Elskar responded, “so how come you didn’t try anything on?” Eric stared back and racked his brains for a suitable answer. “You’re not gay, are you?”

  “Nar, course not!” Eric quickly replied.

  “Just that would explain it,” Elskar commented.

  “Here, man. I’m not gay, like,” Eric reiterated.

  Elskar looked at him expectantly with wide ey
es. “Well what then?”

  “Well, it’s just, like … cos I really like you and all that, I was, like … a bit nervous that you might knock uz back and then I’d be canny gutted and all that, so I reckoned if I just didn’t make a move then I wouldn’t be gutted,” Eric mumbled. “Like, it’s better to not try and not get bombed out than it is to try and get bombed out.” Eric didn’t actually believe this and actually believed the opposite, but given that he was having to think on his feet this was the best excuse he could come up with on the spur of the moment.

  “You wouldn’t have got bombed out,” Elskar smiled.

  Eric smiled back. “Ar, right. Excellent.”

  And then Elskar went to kiss Eric.

  And Eric totally utterly wanted to kiss her back. But on the other hand he didn’t want to sign her death warrant.

  So he panicked. And he turned his head away.

  And that was the point where Elskar started to get a bit annoyed.

  “Look! What’s up with you?” she snapped.

  “Ar, I’m, er … just shy,” Eric mumbled.

  “You’re not shy,” Elskar disagreed. “You wouldn’t shut up last night.”

  “Ar, em … I didn’t mean shy,” Eric stuttered. “I just meant … er, that other word. It’s a bit like shy but not quite the same.”

  “Full of bullshit?” Elskar suggested. “Is that the word you’re looking for?” By now she was starting to look a bit annoyed and Eric realised that if he didn’t provide a satisfactory answer soon he might potentially totally blow things with her.

  “Alright, like, er … I totally respect you and all that so, like, you deserve the truth and all that,” he muttered.

  Elskar looked at him expectantly. Eric took a big gulp.

  “Right, so here’s the truth…”

  Chapter Twelve – Betting On Brazil

  Eric took another gulp and pondered upon how best to tell his story to Elskar.

  ‘There’s the truth,’ he told himself, ‘and then there’s the truth.’

  But in the end Eric decided that ‘complete blatant lies’ was the more preferable option.

  “Ar, right. Well, basically a few months ago I met this lass one night,” he started, “and, like, I really fancied her.” He suddenly decided that talking in such a positive manner to Elskar about another lass wasn’t a great idea so he toned down his enthusiasm. “Well, I mean she was alright, like. Not lush or anything, like. But, like, pretty okay, you know.

  Anyway, we started snogging and I was, like, ‘Mmm, this is alright, like,’ and, like, at first she was, like, sort of just at the right level of horniness. Like, it totally does my head in when you kiss a lass and it’s a properly prudish kiss. But she was canny getting into it, like, which I was canny pleased about. But then, like, she started getting a bit wilder and like her hands were going everywhere, which obviously I was quite happy about as well.”

  Eric suddenly felt the need to tone things down again. “Like, only cos I was DQed up, though. Like, I wouldn’t have been so into it if I was sober, like, cos she was nothing special.

  But, like, then anyway it started getting to the point where I was starting to think, ‘Hey, she’s getting a bit wild here, like.’ Like, she was really pressing her nails into my back and stuff.

  And then, like, she must have just got so carried away with all the horniness that she properly bit my tongue. Like, totally hard. Like, not just a playful nibble or nothing. Like, a proper full-on chomp.

  And I was, like. ‘Aargh! You’ve bit my tongue, you snide!’ And she was all, like, ‘Ar, soz. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident.’ And I was, like, ‘Eh? An accident? Well … how can it be an accident, like? It must have been deliberate. Like, you can’t just accidentally bite someone. Like, so you’re just kissing away and then you just go, ‘Oops, I’ve just accidentally bitten him with a full-on proper hard chomp. Oops! Silly me!’ Like … nar, like. I don’t think so.’ And she was, like, ‘No, man. I mean, I just got carried away and stuff. Like, soz.’ And I was, like, ‘Ar! It’s knacking! Ar! My tongue!’

  Actually, nar … I was all, ‘Arf! Mu tunm! Uv bid mu tunm!’ Cos it was really sore so I couldn’t talk properly, like. So I was sort of speaking a bit funny, like.

  And then, anyway … she was really sorry and all that, but that wasn’t much help to me, like. Cos, like, it didn’t matter how sorry she was, my tongue would have still been knacking. It was totally sore, like. So ideally she wouldn’t have bit uz in the first place, rather than just biting uz and then acting all apologetic, like.

  But anyway, since then I’ve been really paranoid about snogging and I haven’t snogged a lass since, cos I’ve got this sort of phobia about snogging lasses now … just in case I get my tongue bitten again.”

  Eric looked at Elskar and tried to ascertain whether his attempt at placating her had been successful.

  Elskar waited a few moments before a contented expression appeared on her face. “I’m not going to bite your tongue,” she smiled.

  “Ar, I know,” Eric quickly replied. “Ar, aye. I wasn’t saying that you’re some mad crazy tongue-biter or nothing.” He raised his hands defensively. “I was just saying that’s what happened.”

  “But you don’t have to worry cos I’m not like that other girl. I’m not going to bite your tongue,” Elskar repeated.

  “Yeah, I know,” Eric once again acknowledged, “but it’s not, like, a logical phobia. It’s not rational or nothing. It’s just the way my brain is now. Like, I’ve got a mental block about kissing.

  Like, my mate doesn’t like using the magnapod system and I said to him all about the excellent safety record and all that and he was, like, ‘Ar, I know. It’s just a weird fear I’ve got. It’s not based on logic or anything. It’s just an irrational phobia.’ And that’s like me now with kissing. I’ve got an irrational phobia of it since that lass bit my tongue.”

  Elskar smiled at Eric. “Well how about you kiss my neck, then?” she suggested. “There’s no danger of your tongue getting bitten if you kiss my neck.”

  Eric thought for a moment. The Telix-17 virus was transmitted by saliva. Saliva to saliva. Not saliva to skin. Jixyl and Azleev had been quite clear about that. When he was undergoing his training they had stressed upon him the fact that it had to be mouth to mouth kissing. Kissing anywhere else was no good for passing on the virus. So kissing Elskar’s neck would be totally safe.

  “Aye, I think that would be okay,” he smiled, with a beaming wide-eyed face. “Like, I just mean for my phobia and all that.”

  Elskar smiled back at him. And then she moved her neck towards him. And Eric started kissing it.

  And that was the point where he made his big mistake.

  Cos it was sort of similar to the following scenario:

  Imagine for example that Eric had vowed not to have a bet on the World Cup Final. And then by a mad series of flukes Brazil end up playing The Faeroe Islands in the final. So then Eric decides, ‘I’ll just go into the betting shop but I won’t have a bet. I’ll just look at the odds but that’ll be it.’ So as he steps into the betting shop he still hasn’t broken his vow.

  And imagine if the bookies were feeling really tight. Imagine if they weren’t accepting bets on Brazil and were only accepting bets on The Faeroe Islands at odds of ten to one on. Eric’s vow would still be firmly in tact. At odds like that there’d be no danger of any temptation for Eric to break his promise.

  But imagine now a slightly different scenario. Imagine if when Eric had gone into the betting shop the bookies had gone a bit loopy. Imagine they were offering odds of fifty to one for Brazil to beat The Faeroe Islands in the World Cup Final. In a situation like that Eric’s vow would be dead and buried. Odds like that would be just too appealing to resist.

  So in a situation like that the crucial moment wouldn’t be when Eric filled in his betting slip and handed over his money to the cashier. That wouldn’t be when he broke his vow. No, the crucial moment would come a lot ear
lier than that. The crucial moment would be when Eric first stepped into the betting shop. Because with a bet that lush on offer there was never going to be any chance of Eric sticking to his vow once he had entered the betting shop.

  And kissing Elskar’s neck was very similar to the situation I’ve just described. Except that, if anything, it was even better than the fifty to one bet on Brazil to beat The Faeroe Islands. Seriously, it was proper full-on totally lush, like. Not just the actual kissing of her neck either. It was the way it made Eric’s entire body feel. Like, his whole body was totally tingling with rushes. Although actually, tingling isn’t quite the right word. Like, if you imagine a tingle but over a much bigger area than a normal tingle. Well that’s what it was like. Basically, he was on a complete utter high. And it was the sort of high where despite the fact that you feel totally lush, you’re still not satisfied. You want an even higher high. And it’s a very simple process to achieve the increased height that you want to reach.

  So from the moment Eric decided to kiss Elskar’s neck he was always going to bet on Brazil. It was just too good a bet to resist.

  Not literally, obviously. I don’t mean Eric started kissing Elskar’s neck and then thought, ‘Mmm, when I get back to Earth I’m going to have a bet on Brazil to win the World Cup Final.’ I don’t mean that. I was talking metaphorically. I wasn’t talking about an actual real bet. Basically, what I meant is that kissing Elskar’s neck was so lush that it was always inevitably going to lead to other things. Mebbees it would have been easier if I’d just said that rather than come out with all that long-winded patter about Brazil and the World Cup and stuff.

  But anyway, kissing Elskar’s neck was so lush that it was always inevitably going to lead to other things.

  And that’s exactly what happened.

  It led to other things.

  And so the Telix-17 virus claimed its second victim.