How To Save The World: An Alien Comedy

by Charles Fudgemuffin

  “Yeah, have you been to Papaya Restaurant?” Elskar suggested.

  Papaya Restaurant was an expensive restaurant by Ko Pagna’s standards so Eric hadn’t yet eaten there, partly due to his tightness and partly due to the fact that there were enough cheap restaurants serving really nice food that he felt he couldn’t really justify going to an expensive restaurant when there wasn’t really any need.

  However, when Sveltish Indie Chick was part of the equation, price was no longer a deciding factor. “No, but I’ve heard it’s really good, like,” he replied.

  “It is,” Elskar confirmed. “Shall we meet there later on?”

  And so they arranged a mutually agreeable time to meet, then Eric hugged Elskar goodbye. They smiled at each other, then she walked off around the corner and onto the main street.

  “Yes!” Eric whispered under his breath, at a volume quiet enough so that Elskar wouldn’t hear it. He danced into a robotic pose with his hands. “Yes! Yes! Yes!” he repeated, moving his hands robotically in synch with each ‘yes.’ He then exclaimed, “Com-plete chuffed-ness,” with each syllable in sequence with a sort of a lopsided chicken dance. And then to complete his expression of joy he ran a few steps back towards his room then jumped in the air and did a flare kick[87], shouting out “Flare kick!” as he did so. He hadn’t done a flare kick for several years so he was pleased that he managed to pull it off with the perfect balance of nonchalance and exuberance.

  His pleasure was soon replaced by embarrassment however, as he noticed that Elskar had returned from around the corner and had seen him perform his celebratory actions.

  “Ar, hello again. I was just doing a flare kick,” Eric explained.

  “Right,” Elskar smiled. “I’ve just thought, Papaya has two floors so shall we meet upstairs or down?”

  “Em … upstairs?” Eric replied, in the tone of voice you use when you’re answering a question and you half know the answer but you’re half guessing.

  “Okay, upstairs,” Elskar agreed, then she headed off round the corner once again.

  Once she was out of sight, Eric started chuckling. He had just embarrassed himself with his unusual celebrations but he was too happy to care. In fact he was so happy that he did another flare kick.

  “Ar, chuffedness,” he exclaimed to himself. “I’m seeing Sveltish Indie Chick!”

  And for the moment he managed to overlook the fact that, thanks to his actions, in six months’ time she would be dead.

  Chapter Fourteen – The Guilt

  Eric sat up and looked at the lush sea. Then he looked around him at the lush beach. Then he looked at the lush Sveltish lasses lying on the lush beach. Then he looked at the lush baps on the lush Sveltish lasses. Then he looked up at the lush blue sky. Then he looked at the lush baps on the lush Sveltish lasses once again, just to refresh his memory. Then he looked behind him at the lush palm trees. Then he looked behind the palm trees at the lush limestone cliffs. Yes, life was certainly lush.

  Or at least it should have been. Especially when he had a date with Sveltish Indie Chick to look forward to that evening.

  But no matter how he tried, Eric couldn’t get away from the fact that in six months’ time Sveltish Indie Chick would be dead.

  Gutter!

  And what made it even worse was that it was he that had sealed her fate.

  Double gutter!

  So he tried to tell himself that technically he wasn’t to blame. Technically it was the Femlings’ fault for being evil planetocidal maniacs. If the Femlings had of been sound then he wouldn’t have had to kill them all with the Telix-17 virus.

  So if it wasn’t his fault then how come he felt like a total snide? ‘Why couldn’t saving the Earth involve something different?’ Eric asked himself. ‘Why couldn’t it have followed the traditional ‘shoot a missile into a two metre exhaust shaft’ scenario? Or better still, why couldn’t it have still involved all the ‘living it up on a lush beach resort’ parts of the plan, and just missed out the ‘wipe out the entire population of Fem’ part of the plan?’ That way he would still get to enjoy a totally lush lifestyle but he wouldn’t have to deal with all the guilt.

  Because the guilt had kicked in big-style now. The euphoria of the morning was well and truly over. And to Eric, that didn’t seem fair. He was only saving the Earth. It wasn’t his fault the Femlings were snides. It wasn’t his fault they had to be eliminated in order to save the Earth. He was just doing his duty. So why did he have to feel guilty?

  The answer was simple. It was because, in general, the Femlings were totally sound. Part of this perhaps was because everyone he met here was on holiday and people are always much happier on holiday. But even allowing for the increased soundness of being on holiday, the Femlings were still a totally sound bunch of people. Apart from the ref in the Beach Soccer Tournament, obviously. Any fool could see that it was blatantly a handball in the build-up to that dodgy goal. But apart from that dodgy ref, Eric couldn’t think of a single snidey Femling.

  That’s what just didn’t seem to make sense. Why would they want to kill an entire planet when they were so sound? It was just totally crazy. But that was the way it was. So that was why the Femlings had to be eliminated. Self-defence. Kill or be killed. And self-defence, as Jixyl had told him, was an admirable quality. Because if all the nice people just let the evil people kill all the nice people all the time then eventually there’d be no nice people left. Just evil people. And that would be totally rubbish. A galaxy full of nothing but evil people would be a completely rubbish scenario. So self-defence was necessary. And admirable.

  But right at this moment Eric most definitely didn’t feel admirable. He felt like a total snide. Which of course, he was, because he had just kicked loose the first few stones of a potential avalanche of catastrophe.

  Fortunately for Eric, however, Kesta turned up right at this moment to temporarily distract him from any further wallowing in self-pity.

  “Alright, where did you get to last night?” Kesta asked.

  “Ar, it was canny mad, like,” Eric replied. “I met Sveltish Indie chick.”

  “Nice one!” Kesta exclaimed. “And you mean, like, you actually spoke to her?”

  “Aye … well, she spoke to me actually,” Eric clarified, pedantically. “But I spoke back obviously. Like, it was a two-way conversation, but she initiated it.”

  “So what was her opening line, then?” Kesta quizzed.

  “Ar, it was canny funny, like,” Eric commented. “The first thing she says was, ‘Hey, your mate’s totally fit, like.’”

  “Ar, so she’s Georgish, then?” Kesta joked. “I thought she was Sveltish.”

  “Well, nar … she didn’t obviously literally say, ‘Hey, your mate’s totally fit, like,’” Eric clarified. “She said it in a Sveltish accent obviously. But anyway, when she said that about Hex I was, like, ‘Ar, gutter. She’s just using me as a stepping stone to get to Hex.’”

  “How did you know she wasn’t talking about me?” Kesta inquired.

  “Just cos you were away at the bar at the time,” Eric explained, “and she was looking in Hex’s direction.” Not to mention the fact that Hex was blatantly the most likely of the three to be described by a lass as totally fit. “But anyway, I was canny gutted at first, like, but then when I looked at Hex he was getting it on with her mate, so then I realised she was just, like, saying good on her mate. So then I was, like, ‘Ar, and good on my mate as well … cos your mate’s canny fit as well. But, like, not as fit as you.’ And then anyway, that started a round of mutual compliment paying and we ended up walking back to my room.”

  “Ar, nice one,” Kesta congratulated. “So you’ve finally broke your duck.”

  “And with my number one choice as well,” Eric pointed out. “Mad, eh?”

  “Aye, life’s like that sometimes, though,” Kesta mused.

  “Well … not for me it’s not, like,” Eric remarked. “Well, not usually anyway. Or at least, not as often as I’d like
.”

  “Maybe it’s the start of a decent run of form,” Kesta suggested.

  “I think I just want to see Elskar again, though,” Eric revealed, in an almost apologetic tone of voice. “Like, if I had of scored with some random lass then I would have been thinking, ‘Right, this is the springboard to a period of variety. But with Sveltish Indie Chick … well, like … I really like her, you know.”

  “I think she probably likes you as well if she initiated it,” Kesta theorised.

  “Aye, it was mad how she initiated it, like,” Eric commented. “Realistically though, that was the only way it was ever going to happen without uz drinking DQ.”

  Kesta grunted non-committedly and glanced shiftily to the side.

  “Aye, anyway … did you have any luck last night, then?” Eric asked.

  “Nar,” Kesta shrugged. “It was still a good night, though.”

  “Aye, it was, like,” Eric agreed.

  At this point Hex strolled up beside his two mates.

  “Alright, how’s it going?” he greeted.

  “Aye, good,” Kesta answered. “Eric broke his duck.”

  “Yeah, I heard,” Hex replied.

  “You heard? How did you hear, like?” Eric questioned.

  “Cos the lass I was with noticed you slinking off with her mate,” Hex explained.

  “It was Sveltish Indie Chick as well,” Eric bragged. “Class, eh?”

  “Ar, excellent,” Hex congratulated.

  “So anyway, what was her mate like?” Kesta inquired of Hex.

  “Quality,” Hex enthused. “Amazingly lush legs, like.”

  “She’s got black candy floss hair as well, hasn’t she?” Eric quizzed.

  “Candy floss hair?” Hex queried, slightly confused.

  “Like, not literally candy floss hair,” Eric clarified. “But you know that type of hair that some Sveltish lasses have where it’s really fine and sort of like candy floss.”

  “Ar … yeah,” Hex concurred. “I suppose.” Hex was clearly more impressed by her amazingly lush legs than by her hair.

  “Anyway, are we getting the tunes on?” Kesta prompted. Hex’s ts4 player[88] had been playing up so they were currently reliant on Eric for supplying the tunes.

  “Yeah, a bit of Random Capitalisation?” Eric suggested.

  “Good choice,” Kesta endorsed.

  “Yeah, top band,” Hex agreed, nodding approvingly at Eric’s suggestion.

  So Eric got out his ts4 player and selected Random Capitalisation’s new album, then the three friends laid back and enjoyed that winning combination of sunshine and music.

  But within seconds Eric’s mind was back once again thinking about his actions that morning. And annoyingly it wasn’t the enjoyable bits that his mind seemed keen to focus on. It was the guilt. The fact that his number one lass would soon be dead. So Eric tried to nudge his mind in the right direction by actively recalling some of his favourite enjoyable bits from the morning, and replaying them over in his head, but it didn’t do any good. His mind seemed set on being a snide to him. No matter how hard he tried to focus on the enjoyable bits, his mind had its heart set on focussing on the guilt. Except that now it was . Font size 12 wasn’t big enough to describe it properly. It needed to be at least font size 50. Because this was some seriously big guilt. Eric had never felt this guilty before in his entire life. And all he had done was save the Earth. It didn’t seem fair. He didn’t ask for this to happen. He just stumbled upon it. Or rather, it stumbled upon him.

  ‘Man. I knew I shouldn’t have hiked up Helvellyn,’ he told himself, thinking back to when he first met Jixyl and Azleev. ‘I was originally just gonna spend the whole day recording some tunes until Monty came up with the daft idea of going for a hike. It’s his fault. If it wasn’t for Monty I would never have even been here in the first place. So he’s the one that should feel guilty. Not me.’ But this rather feeble attempt at logisticising his guilt away failed miserably.

  And then Eric felt a feeling that made him feel nostalgic. He felt the urge to play the guitar. And the urge to get fit. And also the urge to learn Japanese. Quite a weird combination admittedly, but this reminded him of how he would always feel when he was younger in the morning after the first few times he scored. When he first started scoring he would initially be left with a strong urge to play the guitar. Then a couple of hours later he would then feel the need to improve his life by getting fit. And then for reasons he wasn’t entirely sure of, he would also feel the need to learn Japanese. Maybe it was just because scoring was basically a shallow pursuit, whereas playing the guitar and getting fit and learning a foreign language are positive activities with long term benefits. So maybe it was the pendulum effect. In the same way that alcoholics sometimes become teetotal, maybe doing something really shallow left you with an urge to do something with a purpose. So maybe by the same principle, obliterating the entire population of a planet left you with an overwhelming need to do something massively beneficial to mankind.

  Like getting fit.

  And playing the guitar.

  And learning Japanese.

  Hmm… Maybe not. But whatever the reason, that was the way Eric now found himself feeling. He needed to exercise. And he needed to strum. And he needed to learn Japanese.

  But given that there were no native Japanese speakers on Fem, and given that even if there were, people could just use G.O.T. to communicate with them, there were therefore unsurprisingly no Japanese books available on Fem. So Eric was stuck when it came to learning Japanese.

  Likewise with playing the guitar. Ko Pagna was a relatively small island with only a small village with a very limited selection of shops and therefore no musical instrument vendors. So again Eric was stuck when it came to playing the guitar.

  So that left getting fit. “I think I might go for a jog later on,” he announced. Back on Earth he exercised a fair bit and was generally in pretty good shape, and he had intended to continue this when he arrived on Fem, but since his arrival exercise had fallen well down the pecking order[89] below partying it up and generally having a good time.

  “What do you wanna do that for?” Kesta asked, derisively.

  “To get fit,” Eric explained.

  “Nothing wrong with jogging,” Hex interjected.

  “Apart from it’s a bit sad,” Kesta remarked.

  “You see, for someone like you I can see why that might be a bit of a problem,” Eric replied. “But I’ve got enough coolness in the bag to do the occasional sad activity and still remain well above the cut-off point for coolness.”

  Kesta just laughed and rubbed his chin with the palm of his hand at Eric.[90]

  “I might go for a jog as well later on if you fancy tagging along,” Hex offered.

  “Aye, could do, like,” Eric agreed. “How far do you go?”

  “I normally run along Sunrise Beach, then up past Dolphin Resort until you get to Moonshine, then cut through Moonshine onto Sunset Beach, then along Sunset Beach to the lighthouse then back to my hotel,” Hex described.

  “You can get to Sunset Beach through Star Resort, you know,” Kesta pointed out. “You don’t have to go all the way along to Moonshine. Just if you wanted a shortcut.”

  “I don’t think you’ve quite grasped the concept of jogging, like, Kesta,” Eric mocked. “It’s not about taking shortcuts. It’s about running as far as you can. Cos, like, if jogging was about taking shortcuts you could just run across the road and back and then be all, like, ‘Ar, that was a class jog, like. It was just one big massive shortcut.’”

  “No, man. I just meant if you didn’t want to go all the way up to Moonshine then I was just saying you can get through to Sunset Beach through Star Resort,” Kesta protested.

  “I’m happy doing the distance I do,” Hex answered.

  “But thanks for the tip, though,” Eric smirked. “If I ever decide to redefine the concept behind jogging then I’ll probably take your advice.”

  “Here, man. I wa
s just trying to be helpful,” Kesta snapped, shirtily.

  Hex and Eric finalised their plans for their jog later on then the three friends settled back once again into a relaxed session of sunshine and music.

  And then Eric found that his overwhelming urge to do something to help mankind returned once again. And in principle Eric was all in favour of acting upon this urge. The only trouble was though, that Eric generally just preferred doing stuff for himself all the time rather than doing stuff to help other people. Like, he was a firm believer in charity and all that, but just when other people did it. He wasn’t that keen on actually doing it himself. He had better things to do. So in an ideal world it would be other people doing the charity work and all Eric would have to do would be to think, ‘Yes, well done. I commend you for your efforts.’ So that sort of poured cold water on his urge to do something to benefit mankind.

  But in any case, he had just saved mankind from obliteration by the Femlings, so surely that was enough. Surely that should satisfy his urge. But then he realised that he had actually misread his urge. It wasn’t mankind he needed to do something for. It was the Femlings. Sort of by way of an apology. It was sort of a ‘Soz for obliterating yous out of existence and all that, but here’s a gift by way of an apology’ type of an urge.

  But what could he do? That was the question. What would make up for wiping out their entire population?

  The answer was simple.

  Nothing.

  So there was no point stressing about it. There was nothing Eric or anyone else could do to make up for initiating the obliteration of an entire species. Nothing whatsoever.

  At least, that was what Eric believed as he lay there on Ko Pagna Sunrise Beach listening to tunes in the sunshine.

  But Eric’s beliefs, like many peoples, weren’t always a hundred percent accurate.

  Chapter Fifteen – An Honest Representation Of Eric’s Feelings