13 (The LIST Series Book 2)

by Rhonda James

  “I’m still mad at you,” I told him, voice muffled by his strong chest.

  “I know.”

  “I still don’t understand.”

  He patted my back and hugged me tighter. “I know.”

  “But I still love you,” I admitted.

  His body shook with relieved laughter. “I love you, too, Peanut. Always and forever.”

  “And forevermore,” I added, finishing the saying we’d always used.

  The rest of the short visit was somewhat strained and a little awkward because I wasn’t quite sure how to deal with my parents’ relationship being in limbo like that. Yet I was grateful I’d had the chance to talk to Daddy. And relieved. Not talking to him had been hard on me.

  When Hawk and I were back in his car, he leaned across the center console and pressed a tender kiss against my lips. “Feel like taking a drive?”

  “I don’t know. What did you have in mind?”

  “I want to take you somewhere. Someplace quiet, away from all this family bullshit.” His lips hovered close to mine while he waited.

  He didn’t need to ask twice. “Let’s get the hell out of here.” He’d just shifted into reverse when I reached out and grabbed his wrist. “Can I drive?”

  He eyed me skeptically. “You know how to drive a stick?”

  “I may have handled one once or twice.”

  He laughed and shook his head. “In that case, I’m sure you’re a pro.” He got out of the car, and we switched places. I allowed myself a few moments to become reacquainted with the whole timing of pressing the clutch and gas. I revved the engine. “Easy. Now, press the clutch and shift up and to the left.” He covered my hand with his and helped me put the car in first. “Slowly let the clutch out.” The car lurched forward, and when it didn’t stall, I gave a whoop. “Slow down,” he laughed when I gunned it.

  I shifted seamlessly into fifth and flashed a cocky grin. “Told you I was a pro.”

  “Not bad,” he agreed with a smile.

  The road before us was empty, giving us a straight shot at making a clean getaway. Hawk turned on the radio and relaxed in his seat. Lady Antebellum serenaded us as the treetops danced overhead, and I laughed, feeling more relaxed than I’d been in a long time.

  Twenty minutes later, he directed me to turn down a bumpy dirt road. Giant oak trees lined either side of the road, creating a tunnel-like appearance. On the left, there was a wide-open field, but the other had been fenced in, and off in the distance, I saw a big red barn and a white farmhouse that sat up high on the hill. The scene was picturesque, and I wondered what it would have been like to grow up in a house like that.

  There was another turnoff just before the road came to an end, and I followed that trail until we came to another open area. This one was much smaller than the one I’d seen on the way in, but the grass was lush and green and there was a creek bed about a hundred feet from where I brought the car to a stop.

  I got out of the car and took in my surroundings. The chirping of the crickets. The babbling brook. Millions of stars twinkling high above us. It was dark, and we were very much alone. In a word, it was romantic.

  There was a large tree on the edge of the creek, and I went to stand under it. Amazed. “This place is unbelievable. I can’t imagine how you ever knew it existed.”

  “Some friends brought me here a long time ago. Back in the day, we used to party here. I had my first taste of whiskey right over there,” he said, pointing to a spot ten feet away.

  “That so?”

  He nodded. “Yep. Drank damn near the whole bottle and upchucked it right under this tree.” He came over and placed a hand on each hip, drawing my body flush with his. “If I’m not mistaken, it was right in this exact spot.”

  I stifled a giggle. “So, in a way you brought me to the place where you lost your virginity?”

  He buried his nose in my hair and then nibbled his way down my ear. “Something like that.” Then he took me by the hand and led me back the way we’d come, stopping when we reached the front of the Camaro. “Wait right here.”

  He circled around and opened the passenger door, pulling out something that was behind the seat. The door closed, and he ran around to the back of the car. It was dark, and from my position, I couldn’t make out what he was doing. A few minutes later, he was back and opening the driver’s side door. The radio came on, and I heard the distinct notes of a familiar country song. He turned the volume all the way up and flipped on the headlights.

  When he came back I noticed he was barefoot. I followed his lead, slipping off my heels and tossing them aside. He held out his hand. “Dance with me?”

  He led me away from the car and wrapped his free hand around my hip. We danced by the light of the headlights, swaying in time with the music. It felt surreal, like the best dream I’d ever had. He spun me around. Held me close. His hand rested on my lower back, and when he dipped me, he used his thigh to balance my weight. He held me there, teasing between my thighs, and when he raised me back to him, our lips came together in a fiery open-mouthed kiss.

  He probed the depths of my mouth with his tongue, hands on my ass, lifting me off the ground, carrying me over to a blanket he’d spread out on the ground. Kissing me senseless.

  The kiss broke momentarily, our hearts beating fast, breaths shallow. Broken. My brain swirled with so many questions. Too many emotions. I was scared. Afraid because I’d allowed myself to do the very thing I hadn’t wanted to.

  I’d fallen for him.

  Of course, I would be the girl who meets the perfect guy at the exact same moment her world has been turned on its axis. Nothing about my life screamed stable right now. My career. My family. My ability to make sound decisions.

  Damn, he’s kissing my neck.

  God, that feels good.

  I should call Mitch and tell him the charade was over. I should walk away before one of us got hurt. Hurting Hawk was the last thing I wanted to do.

  What about me? What if I get hurt?

  “Stop doing that,” he murmured in my ear.

  I shivered beneath his touch. “What am I doing?”

  “Overthinking this. Just relax and go with it.”

  “Aren’t you afraid of getting hurt?”

  He stopped kissing me and stretched out next to me on the blanket. The green spring grass kissed our toes as the warm evening air lay heavy around us. I’d come to realize how peaceful I felt whenever he was near. Maybe it was the rich vibrato of his voice, or the Zen-like way he approached life—never stressing and always going with the flow. I only knew that in a short span of time, he’d quickly become my best friend.

  “Let me ask you a question. Do you like me?”

  An image came to mind, and I almost burst into a fit of giggles. “Is this like one of those tests kids pass around in school? Do you like me, check yes or no?”

  “Well, which one is it?” His question hung between us as Brantley Gilbert’s signature love song poured from the Chevy’s speakers. This was my chance. Make a clean break or run the risk of a broken heart later.

  It was a no-brainer.

  “Yes, and I don’t just like you. I like you like you, and that’s what scares the complete shit out of me because I’ve had a broken heart before, and I don’t—”

  “Sophie,” he cut me off, “shut up.” He didn’t give me a chance to respond before flipping me on my back and kissing me until all the fight left me and my limbs went limp and my lips were numb.

  As we lay under the stars, we started talking about moments that had shaped our lives. I told him how my dad had always supported my dream of acting, and that it had been his encouragement that made me believe I would make it big one day. He told me about getting caught with a large amount of drugs at the age of fifteen, and what it was like being sent to juvenile detention for an extended period of time. He talked of meeting Dylan and how he’d come to be called Sin. He described how he’d felt the first time he and the band had performed in front of an aud
ience of five hundred.

  “Wow, that must have been a little intimidating.”

  He laughed while fidgeting with my fingers. “Considering our audience usually consisted of my family and a few of my sisters’ friends, hell yeah, it was intimidating. But we got through it, and with each show, it became less and less scary. Once we figured out what the hell we were doing, it was smooth sailing. It also didn’t hurt that Sin was a cocky motherfucker. He said yes to everything, whether we knew how to do it or not. Because of him, we were invited to play all over the U.S. before anyone had ever heard of us.”

  “Look at you now. You guys are on the cusp of being offered a record deal. You sound freaking amazing. Not to mention, you have a broad fan base,” I reminded him.

  He smiled and tucked a wayward chunk of hair behind my ear. “Yeah, full of crazy bitches named Amber.”

  I acquiesced. “This is true.”

  “Not gonna lie, some days, I question the path I’ve chosen. It’s not easy, and one bad review can shatter your ego. I guess not knowing what our future will hold can be a little unsettling at times.” He moved closer and drew my head to his shoulder. “I’ve never admitted that to anyone before.”

  “Why is that? Are you worried the guys will look at you differently?”

  “I’m used to being the optimistic one. I know we have mad skills. We just need someone to stand up and take notice. Take a chance on us. I know it will happen eventually. I just wish it would happen sooner rather than later. Ya know?”

  “I’m afraid you’re preaching to the choir on this one. Case in point, our fake marriage. I’ve done everything I could possibly do to get the right kind of attention. I want to be taken seriously, but something always gets in the way and tears me down a couple of rungs on the ladder. After I met you and saw an opportunity for me to get noticed, I didn’t question the method. I just ran with it. Now I’m not sure that was such a good idea.”

  Our hands found their way to each other in the darkness.

  “I think you worry too much. So what if you get hurt? At least that means you put yourself out there and took a chance. Life isn’t always easy. Sometimes it’s messy and ugly and requires a lot of cleanup, but other times it can be pretty fucking fun. Those are the moments I hold on to. The bad stuff is just life’s way of trying to grab you by the balls.”

  I bit my tongue to keep from laughing, mostly because it sounded as though he’d put a lot of thought into his answer. “Um, I think you’ve forgotten one important factor. I don’t have balls.”

  He patted the area between my legs and let out a wicked laugh. “Nope, definitely no balls. That’s okay, though. You’re hiding something much more interesting under that short dress. What other secrets you got hiding in there?” He tickled my sides until I begged him to stop, and then I went quiet, contemplating my next words.

  “I do have one. A secret, I mean. It’s something I’ve never told anyone. Something I’m deeply ashamed of.” I’d barely gotten the words out before the tears started flowing.

  Concerned, Hawk sat up and pulled me across his lap, smoothing a hand down my hair. “Shh, don’t cry, baby. You can tell me anything. I won’t judge you. But I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think.”

  “I had a miscarriage. It happened about a month after my relationship with Gavin ended. I should have known something was wrong. I hadn’t been feeling well for weeks, but I just assumed it was because of the breakup.” I fussed with the buttons on his dress shirt, not ready to meet his gaze. “I went through a really bad patch after he left me. I drank too much and wasn’t eating. I barely slept because when I did, I would dream of him, and that hurt too much. Staying numb made the loss easier to accept. But then I got sick, and there was a lot of blood. I was alone in my apartment and had no idea what was wrong. I went to the hospital and was in complete shock when they told me what had happened. I hadn’t even known I was pregnant.” Hawk still hadn’t said a word, but his hand kept moving up and down my back, offering me the reassurance I needed to keep going. “I think the worst part was the relief I felt afterwards. Gavin was long gone, and he never wanted children, so the thought of telling him I’d been pregnant with his child never crossed my mind. But now I feel so guilty for all of it. He deserved to know. I walked out of the hospital and never told a soul… until tonight.”

  “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry you had to go through something like that alone. And as far as being relieved, I’m sure you’re not the only woman who felt that way when facing the same circumstances. You’d just been through a devastating breakup. The last thing you were capable of handling was another emotional crisis. You were alone, and in order to protect yourself, you pushed it aside and kept going. But you’re not alone, not anymore. And you don’t have to keep pretending. It’s okay to be sad if that’s how you’re feeling. It’s also okay to not feel anything. Just promise me you won’t keep this shit bottled up any longer. I want you to know you can always come to me, whether we’re together or a thousand miles apart. I’ll always be here for you.”

  I held his face in my hands, wishing he’d been the man in my life a year ago. Wishing he’d been the only man in my life. It didn’t take a genius to tell me what my heart already knew. I was undeniably in love with Jared Hawkins.

  There was just one problem. I couldn’t tell him.

  “I’ve never met anyone like you,” I admitted, but inside I was thinking, I’m so in love with you.

  He brought his lips to mine and kissed me twice. “Ditto.”

  Being the movie buff I was, I hoped that was code for ‘I love you too.’

  Yes, I was one of those girls who’d watched Ghost one too many times, but I couldn’t help myself. I loved Patrick Swayze.

  Besides, a girl could dream, couldn’t she?

  CHAPTER 24

  HAWK

  Nearly a week had passed since we’d returned to Panama City, and I was getting restless, on edge every time the phone rang, sure it was her agent telling her she’d gotten the part. What was worse was, each day that passed was another day spent bottling up my feelings.

  I was pretty sure I’d fallen in love with Sophie, but I would never tell her, not now, even though not confessing it was killing me inside. I could tell by the way she looked at me that she had fallen for me as well, and I feared my telling her would only complicate things. I wanted her, but at this point in my life, I had nothing stable to offer her. My career was at a standstill, and the money we made playing at the Playground was enough to get by on, but it wasn’t enough to sustain both of us. Christ, I hadn’t even thought about how much it would cost to move out of Blade’s house and find a place of my own, and I damn sure wouldn’t want to start a life with someone while living with two other guys. I now had a better understanding of why Sin and Tori had gotten the hell out. Couples needed privacy. Time alone. They needed to be able to have sex on the kitchen counter without having their goddamn roommate walking in on them in search of a midnight snack. Sophie had been so mortified she still couldn’t look Styx in the eye, and that had happened three days ago.

  The more I added everything up in my head, the more sense it made. Sophie was already at a point in her life where she felt unstable. I wasn’t about to add my problems to the mix. No matter how I felt about her, if she was offered the part, I would do everything in my power to persuade her to get on that plane to L.A., even if that meant letting her go for good.

  I refused to stand in the way of her success, even if that success came at the expense of my own heart. Still, there were a lot of raw emotions bottled up inside me and I knew if I didn’t let them out I’d go crazy. I grabbed a pencil and paper, and before I knew it, I’d made a list. It was a short list that consisted of only thirteen short lines. Thirteen reasons I’d never voice, asking Sophie to ditch her California dreams and stay here with me. I read through them once more before stuffing the notepad in the bedside table drawer. It was a way for me to get some things off my chest. But sometimes those things were b
etter left unsaid. Still, I felt the need to reach out and let her know she’d been on my mind.

  On Thursday, Blade called and asked us to meet him at his office. Seemed he had some big news to tell us. The guys and I entered the bar, all wondering the same thing. What the hell is going on? Once we had all taken our seats, Blade wasted no time getting to the point of this meeting.

  “I got a call from my buddy, Nick, at Sony. Remember that demo I sent off two months ago? Seems somehow it had gotten misplaced in their office and never reached his desk, until yesterday, that is. He wants us in New York for a meeting this afternoon.”

  Sin was the first to speak up. “This afternoon? How the hell are we supposed to book a flight on this short notice?”

  Blade shuffled some papers on his desk. “He’s sending the company jet. Flight leaves at one, and I suggest you all be on that plane. I don’t have to tell you this is major. Sony is part of the Big Three, and if they’re calling a meeting, that means they want you.”

  I looked over at Sin and knew the question weighing on his mind. It was on mine as well. “How long will we be gone?”

  “We’ll head back sometime late tonight.”

  Styx clapped his hands together and whooped. “Let’s do this!”

  I headed home knowing I had a short window to change and give Sophie the quick version of what was going down. Not that I knew much, but I did know this could be big. Still, I didn’t want to get my hopes up. We’d been down this road before, and things hadn’t turned out the way we’d hoped. Maybe this was our chance to shine—as Sophie had put it. Maybe our time spent playing dive bars and touring as a second-string opening act were finally coming to an end.