13 (The LIST Series Book 2)

by Rhonda James

  Not a day passed when I didn’t think of Hawk. I wondered if he was lonely and how many groupies he’d taken back to his room to quell that loneliness. I didn’t worry about him falling in love with someone else, not that it wasn’t entirely possible. But I knew Hawk, and he didn’t give his heart away that foolishly.

  Day after day, I saw people on the streets, in restaurants, or shops. I loved observing them. Often, I would stare out the window of my apartment and watch the people outside. I’d spend my Sundays at the coffee shop, watching. Remembering what it was like to have someone to laugh with. To cry with. Someone to hold. I wondered if I’d ever share that bond with someone again. Or had I missed my chance?

  Two nights ago, Gavin had called and invited me to dinner for the following week. Ironically enough, I’d ended up moving into an apartment less than a mile from where he stayed when he was in town. There wasn’t anything going on between us. I’d shut down that possibility early on, but we had met for coffee a few times. Basically, he was a friendly face in city where I still felt like a visitor.

  The first thing I did when I entered my apartment was kick off my shoes and grab a bottle of water. I powered up my computer, went to the bedroom to change into my comfy clothes, and pulled my hair up in a messy bun. I padded to the kitchen and cut up an apple. Checked the time. I’d just settled in front of the computer when my messenger app rang with a video call. I pressed ‘Accept’ and stared into the smiling face of my sister from another mister.

  Tori waved her hands excitedly in the air. “What’s up, chica?”

  “Hey, there, gorgeous. How have you been? How’s Sin?”

  “Things are going great. I’ve been helping out at the bar, doing some accounting work for them. The tour is about to wrap up, and it will be nice to have my man back home. They have a show at Red Rock tonight and three more after that. But enough about me. Look at you! You’re all tan and glowing. California must be treating you well,” she gushed.

  I munched on my apple and brought her up to speed on the final week of taping. After leaving Panama City, I’d made a point of calling Tori every week to try and bring our friendship back to the place it had been for so long. Soon after, our phone calls had turned into video chats. One day, I’d kept her on video and carried my phone around while giving her a tour of the studio where we filmed the show.

  “I talked to my mom this morning. She told me your dad had moved back into the house. Is that true?” Tori asked, looking mildly surprised.

  I nodded and wiped my hands on a napkin. “Apparently so. Mama called last week and told me she and Daddy had a long talk, and he begged her to let him come home.”

  “But I thought he’d already signed divorce papers.”

  Again, I nodded. “He had, but I guess he had a change of heart. Mama seemed to think it was because he’d seen her happy and moving on with her life. She claims he had one of those ‘come to Jesus’ moments and fell to his knees begging her to take him back. They’re seeing a marriage counselor. She also said she doesn’t feel trapped this time because she now has confidence that she can make it without him if she has to.”

  “Wow, score one for your mama. Maybe now he’ll cut back on work and spend more time focusing on his marriage,” Tori offered hopefully.

  “We’ll see. I told her I’d support whatever she decides, but I’m not putting a lot of faith in love these days.”

  Either she hadn’t heard that comment, or she was choosing to ignore it. “So, what have you been doing? Have you at least left your apartment for something other than work?”

  “I’ve been to the coffee shop twice this week. Actually, I met Gavin there both times.”

  Her mouth fell open in shock. “Seriously? Are you two, like, getting back together or something? Please tell me you haven’t slept with him.”

  I waved her off. “No, we’re not, and hell no. I am not stupid. He’s just a friendly face. Although he did invite me out to dinner next week, and he may have mentioned something about joining me at the premiere if I didn’t have a date.”

  “Holy. Fuck. What’d you say to that?”

  “Nothing yet. But I am considering it. I don’t think I can face going to that party alone.

  She shook her head. “I know it’s none of my business, but I think that would be a very bad idea. Better not give him false hope. Right?”

  I shrugged. “Maybe. Anyway, it was just a thought.”

  “Well, now that you’ve finished taping, will you be coming back for a visit?” She looked hopeful, but I shook my head, and she frowned.

  “Sorry. We have the premier coming up and all these interviews scheduled. It would be impossible for me to leave right now.”

  “That’s too bad. I know everyone would love to see you. We all miss you. Hawk misses you,” she stressed.

  “How’s he doing? I mean, does he seem happy? Has he met someone else?”

  Please say no.

  “According to Sin, they get hit on all the time, but that’s nothing new. There was this one girl who slipped Hawk her phone number, but I think Sin said something about Hawk passing it off to one of the roadies. What do you really want me to say?”

  I threw my hands up in frustration. “I don’t know. That he misses me. Has a hard time breathing without me. That he can’t sleep. Can’t eat.”

  “Are you ever going to talk to him? Tell him how you really feel about him? Don’t you think you owe that to him, and yourself?”

  “What good would that do either of us? My life is here right now. His is back there or on the road.”

  “In case you’ve forgotten, I’m also in love with a musician. His schedule is chaotic, and we’re always on the go. Sometimes we have sex in the shower just because it’s the only chance we get to be together, not to mention it’s a great way to multitask,” she complained, hands gesturing wildly as she spoke. “Look, I’m not saying this life is easy and that it doesn’t get messy and complicated sometimes. But I am telling you it’s worth it. If you’re truly in love with Hawk, and he loves you, you need to talk to him and find a way to make it work.”

  “I don’t know, Tori. You make it sound so simple. How do I even know he’s in love with me?”

  She sighed and started typing something on her phone. A moment later, my phone pinged with a text.

  “Do me a favor and watch that video. I have a feeling you’ll get your answer.”

  We wrapped up our chat, and I opened her text. I could see right away that it was footage someone had shot during one of their shows. I chewed my thumbnail, uncertain of what to expect. Curiosity finally got the best of me, and I pressed the red arrow in the middle of the screen.

  Hawk and Sin were seated on stools in the middle of a darkened theater. Two dimmed spotlights were the only sources of light, and they were aimed directly above the two men. The first thing that jumped out at me was that Sin was the one holding the guitar, and Hawk was the one singing. Then I tuned everything else out and listened to the man I loved singing How Not To by Dan + Shay as if he were speaking the words directly to me.

  Later that evening, I thought about what Tori had said as I sat on the sofa with a glass of wine in hand. Messy and complicated were two things I’d gone out of my way to avoid. Knowing that, could I willingly put myself in that position? Then again, maybe messy and complicated were exactly what I needed.

  I pulled up Hawk’s latest text message and read through it again. Once he’d finally realized I wasn’t going to take his calls, he’d moved on to texting. He’d sent a new one at least once a week, telling me about the tour and life on the road. Unable to resist, I’d read each one, more than once, and more often than not, I wanted to pick up the phone and call him. Just to hear his voice again.

  Hawk: Met this little girl tonight and couldn’t help thinking you probably looked like this when you were her age. Then I thought about what our kids would look like. I fucking miss you. Every single day, I miss you.

  He’d attached a photo that I
’d immediately downloaded and opened up. The photo was of Hawk and a girl who looked to be about six years old. Hawk was crouched down beside her, and she had her little arm draped around his neck. The smiles on both of their faces made my stomach do somersaults. He was right. She did resemble me at that age. The idea of him looking at her and seeing me was one thing. Him taking it a step further and picturing our nonexistent children… It gave my broken heart hope.

  I swallowed my pride and pulled up the one contact I couldn’t bring myself to erase. After three rings and no answer, I considered hanging up, but I knew he was in Colorado, so it was too early for him to be in bed.

  He picked up on the fifth ring. “Sophie? Is everything okay?” Concern pained his voice to the point it took me a moment to collect my thoughts and give him a response.

  “Y-yes. Everything’s fine. I just… I thought maybe it was time we talked.” There were a lot of voices in the background, both male and female, and I shoved down any feelings of jealousy that popped up. “I hope that’s okay. If you’re busy, it can wait.”

  “No,” he husked. “Just give me a sec to find someplace quiet.” I heard a door close and the sound of him walking. “You still there?” he asked after a minute of silence.

  “I’m here.”

  He blew out a breath. “Wow.”

  I feigned innocence. “What?”

  “Sorry. It’s been almost three months. I was beginning to think I’d never hear your voice again. It’s just hard.”

  “If you don’t want to do this—”

  “I do want it. I do. How have you been? What have you been doing?”

  I considered lying, but now that I’d come this far, I figured I might as well answer honestly. Like Mamaw Banks used to say, ‘In for a dime. In for a dollar.’

  “I’m doing okay, all things considered. I’ve been really busy. But we finished filming today, and now we have to do all of these interviews, and we’ll have a premiere party when the show airs.”

  “That’s good, Sophie. I’m really proud of you. I knew once you got out there, everything would work out.”

  As hard as I tried, I couldn’t hold back any longer. I thought about that video and the man singing those words. I wanted that man opening up to me. Not the man he was pretending to be. But when I opened my mouth to speak, we ended up talking over each other

  “I didn’t sleep with Melody.”

  “Gavin kissed me.”

  Eerie silence stretched between us while we processed each other’s admission. While I was admittedly ecstatic to learn that nothing had happened between the two of them, it was another important factor he’d neglected to share with me. I’d spent the last two and a half months walking a fine line between anger and understanding. There was a part of me that had understood how he could have ended up in the arms of his former lover, but I hadn’t been able to get past the anger of why he’d never shown me that list. Not once had he told me that he loved me. Not once had he bothered asking me to stay. Why put those words on paper if they hadn’t already made an impression on your heart?

  “Say something,” he urged.

  “Why did it take you this long to tell me? Do you know how many nights I’ve lain awake, afraid to close my eyes because I couldn’t stop picturing you with her?”

  “I know,” he choked out. “I wanted to call you right away, but you shut me out, and I thought it would be best to give you time to focus on you. I’m so sorry, baby.”

  “Don’t,” I whispered. “Don’t call me baby. I’m not finished being angry with you. Do you even care that he kissed me?”

  “Are you kidding me? When you said those words, it felt like all the air left my body. I hate the idea of his lips on yours.”

  The pain in his voice made my own heart hurt. I believed him that nothing had happened with Melody, but I couldn’t change what had happened since that night. He’d hurt me, but at some point, I’d have to find it in my heart to forgive him.

  “It didn’t mean anything. If it makes you feel better, I didn’t want him kissing me. I wanted you.”

  “I’ve played that night over and over in my head. Things I could have done. Things I should have done. If I could do it over again, I’d do a lot of things differently,” he whispered.

  “What about the list? Would you have told me about it?”

  He cleared his throat, stalling for time. “What list?”

  “The list in your drawer. I found it that night after I came back. Why didn’t you ever share that with me? I told you how I felt about you. I let you come inside me. You’re the only man who’s ever done that,” I choked out.

  There was silence on the other end. For a second, I thought he’d hung up on me, but then he cleared his throat once more.

  “What? You still have nothing to say? You’ll drunk fuck me, but you won’t open up and talk to me?”

  “For Christ’s sake, Sophie, you were never just a fuck to me. You don’t think I wanted to tell you? That it didn’t kill me inside each and every time I held you and made love to you? I wanted to tell you so fucking badly, but I knew if I did, you wouldn’t get on that plane. And you needed to follow your dreams, so I did what I thought was best for you, and I made a tough decision. One that I live with every day,” he rasped.

  “How could you do that?” I cried. “How did you know what was best for me when you were what was best for me? I wanted you, Jared, and I would have happily given up everything for a chance at love with you.”

  I heard a muffled cry, and my heart twisted inside my chest. “I wanted you to be happy.”

  “But I was happy. You made me happy, and you took that away from me,” I sobbed.

  “I know,” he answered quietly. “I’m so sorry.”

  “But the hardest part is that I still love you. And I probably always will.”

  I ended the call without giving him the chance to respond. I’d spoken my piece. Now it was up to him to decide where we went from here.

  CHAPTER 32

  HAWK

  I always had mixed feelings when a tour came to an end. When the tour starts off, everyone is stoked to be on the road. A month into the tour, you start bitching about not sleeping in your own bed and grow weary of all the junk food you’ve been eating. Then the final performance winds down, and you’re up on that stage. Fans are screaming. The hum of the last chord you played echoes through the amplifiers, and you look out over the sea of faces and find yourself wishing you could go back to the beginning and do it all over again.

  Then you get home and take a shower in your own bathroom. Crash in your own bed. And you remember how much you love being home. But something about this homecoming seemed off.

  My bed, though big and comfy, felt cold and empty because Sophie wasn’t lying next to me.

  I’d sit on the deck and watch the sunset, and the empty chair she used to occupy mocked me.

  Three months had passed, and I was no further ahead than the day she’d left. Every day, I argued with myself whether I’d done the right thing in letting her go. I thought it would get easier with time, but time had only made me miss her more.

  I knew from our last conversation that her show would be premiering this weekend. Two days until I could see her face. I’d already set the DVR to record the series. I didn’t want to miss a single episode or the opportunity to invite her into my bedroom again. It didn’t matter that she would be on the screen and not physically in my space. It was more than I’d had in three months, and I was like a starving animal living on scraps. I didn’t care how it was given to me. I’d take what was being offered any way I could get it.

  ____________________________

  Tori and Sin stopped by the next evening for a cookout and bonfire. We kept it simple—burgers and dogs—and Tori brought dessert. Chocolate chip cookies, of course. We ate, drank, played a game of Frisbee on the beach, and swam until we were exhausted. When the sun went down, I lit the fire, and we sat around talking. We talked a little about the tour and then
discussed some ideas we had for the songs we’d been working on. I told J.T. about a new guitar I was thinking about buying. Slowly but surely, it began to feel the way it used to feel before Sophie had entered then disappeared from my life. We hadn’t spoken since the night she’d hung up on me. I’d thought about calling her back, even had my finger primed to press SEND, but I never did. As badly as my heart wanted me to, my head told me she needed more time.

  I’d just finished adding another log to the fire when Tori came and sat down next to me. “Are you planning to watch our girl tomorrow?”

  I laughed at her stupid question. “Yes, I have every intention of watching from the privacy of my bedroom.”

  Her face wrinkled. “Ew, don’t tell me those things. That’s my best friend you’re talking about.”

  “I can’t help it if staring at your best friend gives me a major hard-on. Plus, it’s been months since I’ve laid eyes on her, so cut me some slack.”

  She chuckled and patted me on the arm. “You’re forgiven. Tell me something, friend, if you’re really that crazy about her, then why haven’t you told her?”

  “I wanted to, but I was scared. Scared that if I told her I loved her and then something didn’t work out between us, I would become just another guy who’d let her down. Now I realize how stupid that was, but I don’t know what to do about it. She was so angry with me When we spoke last week, she nearly broke my heart. I didn’t realize how badly I hurt her. I thought I was protecting her.” I didn’t realize it, but my hands had been shaking the entire time I was speaking. I’d been holding those feelings inside for so long. It felt good to let them out.

  “But you do love her?”

  I looked down at my ring—our ring—and smiled. “More than anything else in the world.”