Finding My Pack

by Lane Whitt

  Remy's booming voice instructs everyone into the living room. I contemplate telling him I was just leaving, but one look at his face makes me change my mind. He clearly meant me as well. I see no point in arguing...for now. I follow everyone else since I don't know where I'm supposed to go, feeling the burn of Remy's eyes on my back the whole way there.

  CHAPTER 3

  Once they all found seats on the over-stuffed, red u-shaped couch and the chairs on either side of it, Remy stood before us. With his arms crossed over his chest and his feet set apart in a defensive stance, he looked...mad. Scary too.

  I walked in last, not knowing where to sit, or even if I wanted to, I chose to stand. I'm not sure why we got called in here or what happens now. Tristan waves his hand to get my attention. I look at him, he smiles, patting the couch between him and Reed. I shake my head and he rolls his eyes at me.

  Standing, he walks over to me and grips my fingers with his, pulling me back to the couch with him. I sigh heavily but Tristan just laughs and pokes me in the ribs. I inhale sharply, feeling slightly sick to my stomach from the pain. I have not been taking it easy on my body today.

  Tristan opens his mouth to say something as a hand materializes and pops him on the back of his neck...hard.

  "She's hurt, you idiot."

  "Ow! Shit...I forgot. I was going to say sorry. Violence is never the answer Kellan." Tristan says, rubbing the sting out of his neck.

  Kellan leans forward to look at me and I beam at him. I think Kellan's growing on me. He smiles back just as widely. Dear God... here I thought the boy was attractive before... I gulp and avert my eyes, finding Remy. He's just standing there, watching us. The other boys are talking quietly among themselves. I get the sense that we're waiting, but I don't know what for.

  Since I'm still sort of mad at Tristan for poking me, I turn away and watch Reed. He has a notebook and a pencil, drawing some type of intricate flower. There are other drawings on the page too. He's good. Really good, I note.

  "What kind of flower is that?" I ask.

  Before he has a chance to answer I hear the door slam again. Are they always this loud? We all watch the doorway. A few moments later another good looking guy comes in and takes a seat on the arm of the couch, tipping his chin to Remy. I roll my eyes. Don't they have any ugly friends? Or at least an average looking one? I'm not typically one to notice such things buy these guys make it hard not to.

  "Right...now that we're all here we can get started. First things first, Kellan switch places with Tristan in case Kitten has another episode." Remy orders.

  Episode? I have one panic attack in my whole life and he makes me sound like a nut, ugh! I don't say anything though, I'm just ready for this to be over. The sooner the better. Tristan pats my knee before standing and Kellan scoots next to me.

  "Let's run through the facts. On Tuesday night, at approximately eleven o'clock pm, Tristan and Ash saw Kitten running to the Angel fountain on West Mound Street. After approaching, Kitten stated, in no uncertain terms, that she did not want to be taken to a hospital. After which, she passed out. Tristan made the decision to bring her here. Ash called Kellan on the way. Upon arriving here Kitten was placed in Tristan's room at his insistence. Kellan, after leaving work early, arrived and took a look at Kitten. What was your initial assessment Kellan?" Remy asks.

  Kellan makes eye contact with Tristan and shifts his weight a bit. "Since Kitten was unresponsive and she had multiple contusions on her torso, my recommendation was for her to be taken to a medical facility." Kellan responds just as formally as Remy. I don't have a clue why they're talking like this and talking about ME like this.

  "Then why was Kitten not taken right then?" Remy's gray eyes bore into Kellan like a drill.

  "Tristan was adamant that I do everything for her that I could. He stressed how panicked she was at the mere thought of a hospital." This time Kellan is less formal and more defensive. "It was clear to me, Remy, that the girl had been through an ordeal and I didn't want to force her into something she clearly didn't want. I saw no immediate, life-threatening injury. I was mostly worried about internal bleeding, and that's something I could keep an eye out for and make the call if she got to that point. Which she didn't." He finishes and reaches for my hand. I let him hold it. I'll always be grateful to this green eyed boy for respecting my wishes.

  Remy watches our clasped hands for a moment before he continues, "Kellan then stayed with Kitten for approximately four days, keeping us updated on her condition and progress. We won't go over all that, but we know she was showing great improvement. That brings us to today." He states, those blazing eyes falling on me. "Miss Kitten awoke, having a brief conversation with Kellan. Would you like to tell the rest of what was said Kitten, or would you rather Kellan do so?"

  My cheeks are flaming red now, I'm sure. I can feel several pairs of eyes on me but I just stare down at my lap. What the hell is this? What does any of this matter? Kellan squeezes my hand and I squeeze back. It's nice. A bright spot in what is quickly becoming a torturous situation. Thankfully, Kellan speaks up so I don't have to.

  "I'm fairly certain that she was having a flashback when I approached her this morning. I offered her a phone to use but she said..." Kellan looks at me, I nod my head once, telling him its okay. "She said that she has no one. I assume she meant she was homeless with no parental units." He finishes, squeezing my hand again.

  "Is that true? Are you homeless and parentless?" Remy says, as if that isn't the most painful truth to admit to. I nod again, narrowing my eyes at him. Why is he doing this? Why do they all need to know? It's not their business.

  "Kitten was then given clearance to bathe, brought down for breakfast, in which immediately after, Miss Kitten attempted run from the house." At this point Remy looks uncomfortable.

  The newest guy, I assume Jace, speaks up, “What do you mean tried? If she wanted to leave then why didn't she? Are we holding her hostage now?" That last one is a good question. I didn't even think of it.

  Remy stiffens and glares at Jace, "Of course not. I happened to step out of my office just as she came barreling down the hallway. She uh...bounced off me and landed on the floor, where she proceeded to have an anxiety attack of some sort. Following that episode, we came in here, waiting on you." He says, giving Jace a pointed look.

  I can't stand his formal tone and how he keeps talking about me like I'm not in the room. This whole thing is stupid. I raise my hand and clear my throat, "If we're stating facts Sir, I'd like to point out that I was having a PANIC attack BEFORE I ran into a concrete wall."

  He smirks at me. Actually SMIRKS! I guess I didn't really prove anything. At least I got to talk back. No, it doesn't change anything, I feel a little better though.

  "Right, I'm glad you spoke up Kitten. Now it's time for you to explain not only what happened to you Tuesday night but also why you chose to flee today." The smirk is gone from Remy's face now and replaced by a blank expression.

  Kellan is trying to tug his hand from mine. I wasn't aware I had a death grip on him until now. I let go of him and he shakes his hand out. I don't want to answer. It's not their business. I don't know why they care. They won't care at all when they learn I may have killed someone. Maybe I owe them an explanation for the hospitality they've shown me. No, I never asked any of them for anything. Saying I didn't want to go to a hospital isn't the same as begging to be taken to someone's house. They could have just left me there. I do owe Kellan at least. He did take care of me for four days. Which is more than anyone else has ever done. Maybe I could just tell them about the attack. But then I'd have to tell them about leaving the guy's body. They might also ask what I was doing there, and that's a longer and more painful story than I'm willing to share.

  I open my eyes and see warm chocolate. Tristan is in front of me now. "I promised you'd be okay Kitten, I mean it. We're just trying to help. There are a lot of us and meetings like these keep us all up to date. I know that was hard for you. You can get up and
leave right now if that's what you really want. No one will stop you. I hope you don't though, I hope you stay. Let us help you, we can and we will....if you just let us. But for us to help you we have to know what's going on." He's looking at me with those mesmerizing, pleading eyes. That soft voice, telling me everything is going to be okay.

  Truth is I don't have anywhere to go when I leave here. I don't even have shoes since I ran without mine that night. There's something about him that makes me want to trust him. I want to believe him. I want to tell him, I want to tell him everything. I want him to know me. But I don't know if I could stand it when I tell him I'm a killer. Tristan is making it sound like I have options, but I don't. Not really. If I get up and walk out of here right now I won't make it a week on the street. Not with my injuries, without shoes, and none of my supplies. I suppose the worst that could happen would be that I tell them and they call the cops. I would eventually get out of prison since that man attacked me first, right? I would at least get to keep my life.

  I'm still looking into Tristan's eyes, wanting to remember them like they are now. I take a deep breath and whisper, "I killed a man."

  CHAPTER 4

  Tristan's eyes widen and he moves back from me. I look at my lap again. I knew that would happen. It still stings though. Tears stream down my face. I curse them, I hate crying in front of people.

  "I didn't mean to." I whisper. Tristan walks away, I don't watch where he goes. Kellan tries to take my hand again. This time I don't let him. I don't deserve to have him comfort me.

  The room is completely silent. Only my occasional sniffles providing sound. After what seems like forever, Remy speaks again. "Start from the beginning Kitten, tell us what happened on Tuesday." I take a breath, pick a spot on the wall beside Remy and begin.

  "Are you familiar with the Crate District off of West Fifth? Where all the abandoned warehouses are?" I ask but continue without waiting for an answer. "Well, I live in the third one right off the main road. I was tired after I worked a double shift. I try to work only at night so I can sleep during the day but I couldn't pass up the money. It was getting late but I thought it might be fine if I was there, so long as I stayed awake. I was reading my book, and..." I pause, trying not to let the memories overtake me.

  "Go on Kitten," Reed says next to me. He sounds sad, staring down at his notebook. Picking at the edges.

  "I fell asleep. I woke up choking, a hand around my throat. I scratched him and was able to run, but I wasn't fast enough. He got me back to the ground. He kept hold of my hair and started hitting me, punching my thighs to try and open them. When that didn't work he hit me across the face and punched my chest."

  I remember laying there curled up in a ball, thinking I was going to die, hoping I would before he got what he wanted. My breathing picks up and I'm trying my hardest to hold it together. I close my eyes and breathe like Kellan showed me earlier.

  "He started kicking me. In my back and my sides. Yelling at me. Saying that it didn't have to be like this. That if I just laid there he wouldn't have to kill me. He tried to kick me in the face but I caught his foot and rolled, pulling him down. I saw a brick next to me..." I choke out a sob, covering my face with my hands.

  I wipe away more tears and continue, not opening my eyes this time. “I...hit him. He was on his back and I....I-I hit him as hard as I could. Then I hit him again. I smashed the brick into his forehead the second time. He stopped moving so I got up and ran as fast as I could. I ran to the lights." I finish and double over, crying so hard it hurts my whole body. I know it makes me look weak, but I don't care. I am. I wasn't smart enough or fast enough or strong enough. Sure, I got away, but at what cost?

  A hand is on my back now, rubbing up and down. A different hand is massaging my head. Someone pries my hands away from my face and guides me to sit up.

  Remy is in front of me. He reaches out and runs his thumb over the crest of my cheek. "Kitten...that wasn't your fault. It was self-defense. You have nothing to feel bad about. I'm so..." His voice cracks and he clears his throat, “I’m so sorry that happened to you."

  His words calm me enough to stop my sobbing. I inhale and exhale shakily. Remy stands and gives Kellan a pointed look. The hand massaging my head falls away as Kellan follows Remy out of the room. Logan comes over and pulls me to stand.

  "Let's get you some water, okay?" Logan's eyes are shiny and his amazingly groomed hair from earlier looks disheveled, like he's been running his hands through it. The bright blue streak is flipped over onto the other side of his head now.

  "Uh…Logan." I whisper, my throat feeling raw.

  "Yeah?"

  "Your hair looks like crap," I say giving him a smile.

  He busts out laughing, wrapping an arm around my back, and pressing his lips into my hair. The tension drains from the room as the other guys laugh too. Logan pulls back, hooking our fingers together and leads me back to the kitchen fora glass of water. Finn sits next to me and presses his side into mine slightly. He doesn't say anything though. Won’t even meet my eyes.

  "How are you feeling Kitten?" Kellan asks.

  "To be honest I'm pretty tired. How is that possible when I slept for several days?"

  Kellan's lips lift a little, "You were severely dehydrated when I first saw you. I gave you fluids through an IV so you should be a bit better. Dehydration makes you tired though. You also had a fever, which can leave you feeling drained. You should probably go rest for a while."

  I blink at him. "You guys aren't making me leave now that you know..."

  His hand comes up to cup my face with his warm fingers. "No, we'd really like if you stayed." I'm sure my confusion shows on my face, but I really am tired.

  "Would you like me to give you something for the pain?" He offers sweetly.

  I shake my head. "No, no drugs, ever". I don't care how crazy I sound. I've lived on the street; I know how easy addiction can get its claws in you. I've seen the monster it turns people into. I've also always had a secret fear that my mother was an addict. If that's true then I might already be an addict.

  Kellan looks a little surprised and I don't know how I feel about that. Did he think I was a druggie? "Just some ibuprofen then, hmm?"

  "That would be nice."

  "Good," he says, walking to a cabinet and shaking out two pills, bringing them to me. I take a sip of water and swallow them down.

  "Thank you." I whisper.

  "You can use my room Kitten." Reed says quietly. He still looks sad but tries to smile at me anyways.

  I nod my head, following him down the hallway to the stairs. How in the world did I forget about the stairs? "No wonder you're all so in shape." I mutter to myself.

  Reed's lips tilt up at the corners so he must have heard me anyway. Once we reach the top of the never-ending stairs we head in the opposite direction of Tristan's room. Reed opens the door and it's like walking into a cloud. Everything is white. Like, the cleanest, purest white there ever was. The double bed up against the window, the tall wardrobe closet, the carpet, the nightstand, EVERYTHING. Not a spec of color to be seen.

  He walks to the bed, pulling the top blanket back for me. He lets out a long yawn and gives me a sleepy smile. Oh, that was cute.

  "Are you tired too?" I ask him.

  "A little" he shrugs a lean shoulder.

  I think about it for a minute. He's tired and now I'm taking his room. They've been so nice to me...maybe I should be nice back?

  "Um…you could stay. If you wanted to. You don't have to of course...it's just that if you're tired ... well I'm going to be sleeping too." I rush out, making an idiot out of myself.

  "You sure?" Reed asks. I nod quickly. Truth is I don't really want to be alone.

  I make my way over to the bed and crawl in. Mmmm... It feels like a cloud too. Reed sits on the other side of the bed, taking his shoes and socks off. When he's done, he slips under the fluffy comforter. I face away from him and bring the blanket up so I can snuggle my face into it. It smells
divine. We lay there for several minutes. I'm sleepy but one thing is bugging me.

  "Reed?" I whisper, hoping he's not asleep yet.

  "Yeah?"

  "Why are you so sad?" I blurt out.

  It's none of my business. He just seemed so happy and friendly when I met him at breakfast, something has changed. I flip over so I can see his face when he answers, "I'm sad because of what happened to you Kitten. Hearing you say that stuff... I'm sad you're hurt, you could have died. Mostly I'm sad that you have nobody to take care of you Kitten. I hate that you've been alone." He's looking at me while he speaks. His eyes are shiny. It breaks my heart a little.