Keep the Home Fires Burning

by Anne Bennett

  ‘Then you are in the same boat as the rest of us,’ the doctor said. ‘But in the meantime your Sarah has written down your experiences very well.’

  ‘She said when I told her things it sort of painted pictures in her head,’ Sam said. ‘And she tried to remember exactly what I said so that it was my voice and not hers. She just said she thought things that I’d experienced shouldn’t be forgotten.’

  ‘She’s right,’ the doctor said. ‘And I have an idea. I have a man in here who has lost both legs and he’s very depressed.’

  ‘Understandable, I’d say,’ Sam said. ‘Poor sod!’

  ‘Of course it’s understandable,’ the doctor said, ‘but unless his depression is controlled, he will never recover totally. His wife told me, though, that he used to be a really good artist, just pen-and-ink stuff, but I haven’t been able to get him interested enough to do anything. If you don’t mind, I’ll get these typed up and give them to him to read, and see if that will stimulate him. The starkness of pen and ink will be the perfect background to the things you describe.’

  ‘Do what you like, Doc,’ Sam said. ‘And if it helps the poor bugger, all to the good.’

  TWENTY-EIGHT

  Sam said nothing to Sarah about the doctor’s proposal, thinking it might fizzle out to nothing in the end. As part of his own therapy over the following week he explained many battles to her and even told her his own account of Dunkirk. Sarah became dearer to him as each day passed and he was glad that his parents eventually realised that.

  By Saturday Sarah had saved some of her sweet coupons to buy some bull’s-eyes for Sam as Peggy said they were his favourite. Not finding them in Aston, they decided to look in Sutton Coldfield before making their way to the hospital. Peggy glanced at her watch. ‘It’s nearly the start of visiting time,’ she said. ‘Shall I go up to the hospital and keep Sam company till you get there?’

  Sarah knew that Sam hated her being late. It was hard for him to pass the time and he looked forward to her visits, she knew, but then Peggy got little enough time with him on her own and so she said, ‘Yes, if you like, Peggy. Tell him I’ll be up as soon as possible.’

  It was the opportunity that Peggy wanted and she hurried as fast as she could to the hospital.

  ‘Where’s Sarah?’ Sam asked when he realised his sister was there alone.

  ‘Buying sweets for you,’ Peggy said, ‘so we haven’t got long. She’ll be here in a minute, so tell me quick, what did the doctor really say about your eyes?’

  ‘God, Peg! Are you some sort of witch?’

  ‘No, I’m just a concerned sister who knows you very well.’

  ‘Well, the whole thing was absolutely bizarre,’ Sam said. ‘Apparently, there’s nothing wrong with my corneas at all.’

  ‘Then what …?’

  ‘I know, I’m really as confused as you,’ Sam said. He ran his fingers through his hair, a sure sign that he was puzzled. ‘The doctor said it was something they call hysterical blindness. I tell you, I wasn’t very pleased. It sounded as if I was making it up. Either that, or I had some form of madness. I mean, hysterical, I ask you?’

  ‘What does it mean?’

  ‘Well, he said it was something that happens sometimes after a great shock or trauma. But whichever way you look at it I can’t see, and yet there’s no physical reason why I can’t.’

  ‘God!’ Peggy said. ‘But does that mean that you might regain your sight one day?’

  Sam shrugged. ‘The doctor said he doesn’t know. Some do, others don’t. In the meantime I’m going on with rehab for living life as a blind man, which I am at the moment and might always be.’

  ‘And why don’t you want to tell Sarah, because it’s obvious you don’t?’

  ‘A number of reasons really. The first is because I feel a bit of a bloody fraud, to tell you the truth. And then there is the fact that it might give Sarah false hope that I might be able just to wake up one day and be able to see. And she is still touchy about her scarred face, for all the assurances I give her that it will make no difference to me. If she thought that one day I might miraculously be able to see, it could easily make her nervous or unsure of herself. She doesn’t need that, especially as the chances are it won’t happen, and I’ll never be able to see any better than I can at the moment. Can you understand what I’m saying?’

  ‘I can,’ Peggy said. ‘I’ve never heard of this before and cannot understand it any better than you can, but Sarah definitely doesn’t need to know. In fact, I think that we should keep this information entirely to ourselves.’

  A week after the doctor had first taken away Sam’s papers, he returned them. ‘You certainly fired up Mike Malone, the chap I was telling you about,’ he said. ‘Said it brought all his memories back as well and he has completed some absolutely amazing drawings. It was great to see his enthusiasm return, and his wife is delighted at the change in him. Anyway, the upshot of this is that I showed a couple to a newspaper friend of mine yesterday, and he’s going to run a column detailing your experiences and illustrated by Mike in the Sutton Coldfield News.’

  ‘Really?’

  The doctor smiled. ‘Really. The man said it will be in on the twenty-seventh of April, next Friday’s edition.’

  ‘It’s just that things like this don’t happen to me,’ Sam said. ‘To people like me, I mean.’

  ‘Well,’ said the doctor with a smile, ‘they have now.’

  That afternoon Sam was bursting with excitement, and Sarah thought it no wonder when she heard the news.

  ‘Wait till I tell them at home,’ she said. ‘They’ll be over the moon. We’ll have to get the paper and have a look. Maybe some good news will cheer us all up, with this flipping war dragging on and on.’

  Sam nodded. ‘It should have been finished ages ago. I listen to the wireless in the day room, and the Allies have reached the outskirts of Berlin, and so have the Red Army from the North. Hitler hasn’t a chance now. He must know that.’

  ‘It’s awful,’ Sarah said. ‘And what about those horrendous death camps the Red Army and now the Allies are finding?’

  ‘Yeah,’ Sam said. ‘Makes you wonder how many there are altogether.’

  ‘Sometimes,’ Sarah said, ‘I can hardly bear to read about them, and the pictures of the stick-thin people make me cry. There was a picture in the Despatch yesterday and it just showed mounds of earth and the reporter said the earth covered the bodies of hundreds of people and some bodies had just been piled up and set fire to. You’d like to think that it’s one awful dream but this really happened to families like mine and yours, all because they’re Jews. Why did the Nazis pick on them?’

  ‘I’ve no idea,’ Sam said.

  ‘Imagine the evil thoughts that have been tumbling round inside Hitler’s head for years, and the people who could administer such cruelty. It’s a wonder that they can live with themselves,’ Sarah added.

  In the end the family bought lots of copies of the paper because everyone wanted to read Sam’s account and see the illustrations. They were very impressed.

  ‘You’ve written this really well,’ Polly said.

  ‘Thanks,’ Sarah said, ‘but I can take little credit for the content. I just wrote most of it as Sam told it to me.’

  ‘Well, I remember that he could tell a good enough tale when he was here before,’ Polly said, ‘but these accounts ? well, you almost feel that you’re there alongside him.’

  ‘Poor Sam,’ Magda said. ‘I would just hate being blind.’

  ‘So would I,’ Sarah said. ‘It’s heartbreaking sometimes to see him like that. But he’s always so positive.’

  ‘He wasn’t like that before,’ Peggy said. ‘That’s ‘cos of you.’

  ‘It’s a bit scary thinking that one person is responsible for another’s happiness.’

  ‘It’s the price you pay when you love someone,’ Marion said. ‘You suffer with them like you are now with Sam, and yet the good times should make it all worthwhile.’

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nbsp; Sarah thought about her mother’s words that day as she made her way to the hospital, taking the paper with her. When she saw Sam in the grounds she called to him. He turned, and a delicious feeling of warmth flowed through her at the sight of him. She was proud also as she watched him walk towards her with confidence, playing his stick in front of him. She hugged him as he reached her and their lips met, but it was a fairly chaste kiss as they were not the only ones taking the air that day and, as it was, a slight cheer from some of the other soldiers made Sarah’s face flush crimson. She was glad that Sam was unable to see it.

  As they walked arm in arm across the lawn back to the hospital, she felt Sam give a sudden jerk.

  ‘What is it?’ she cried. ‘What’s the matter?’

  ‘Nothing,’ Sam assured her. ‘Nothing to worry about, anyway. Just felt a little chill.’

  Sarah was puzzled, for the day was a warm one with only a light breeze, but she didn’t argue though she knew that something was the matter because after that Sam was quiet and subdued. She thought he might tell her what was so obviously troubling him when they got inside, but he didn’t and when she asked him he said he felt fine. Still Sarah knew there was something wrong. It put a damper on her visit and she returned home very worried.

  Sam wasn’t ill. In fact he was rather excited. In the grounds the sunlight had penetrated the blackness that he had lived with since the explosion, and he had asked to go inside to see if he had been imagining things. Once inside he found the blackness had receded to grey, and he could see vague forms in front of him. He was thrilled even to have such limited vision, but could hardly share that with Sarah when any moment he imagined it might be snatched away from him again.

  That night he was almost afraid to go to sleep, certain that he would be totally blind again when he woke up. However, next morning, the vague indistinct images that he had seen the night before were sharper and more defined. He would have asked to see the doctor dealing with him but the man was having a well-earned day off and Sam didn’t want to go to anyone else.

  Peggy came with Sarah that day, as it was Saturday. Sam was in the day room, and as soon as they were positioned beside him he said, ‘Did you hear about the Italian partisans that found where Benito Mussolini was holed up and took him out and hanged him?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Peggy. ‘It was on the wireless and personally I think hanging is too good for him, and Hitler too. But I’m more interested in you because Sarah said you were acting very strange yesterday.’

  Sam burst out laughing. ‘I’ve never felt better and I’d say a man is entitled to act a little strange once in a while.’

  He smiled in Sarah’s direction as he spoke and she felt herself go weak at the knees. Sam looked better than she had seen him for ages. There was a lightness about him, somehow, and she felt silly for making a fuss.

  ‘I was probably overreacting,’ she said, ‘especially as Sam is fine now.’

  ‘I was fine then,’ Sam protested. ‘I told you that when you asked, but I’m sorry that I worried you.’

  ‘It’s all right,’ Sarah said, and she leaned forward and kissed him gently on the lips.

  ‘Would like me to go out for a bit?’ Peggy asked.

  ‘No, I’ll go,’ Sarah said. ‘You two have a few words together and I shall take a nice walk around the grounds.’

  When she had gone Peggy looked at her brother straight and said, ‘OK, as our American cousins would say, out with it. There’s summat up with you, and don’t even try denying it. So what is it?’

  Peggy’s tone implied she would stand no nonsense, and anyway Sam wanted to share what had happened to him with someone. So he said, ‘All right, then, though you will hardly believe it.’ He leaned forward and said in a sort of awed whisper, ‘I can see.’

  It was the last thing Peggy expected Sam to say, and her mouth dropped open in astonishment as a large lump formed in her throat and tears stung her eyes. ‘Oh, Sam,’ she said when she was able to speak, ‘it’s what I have hoped and prayed for, and yet never thought …’

  ‘I can’t see properly,’ Sam said. ‘I can just see outlines. Like I can see that clock, but not the hands on it. But that is an improvement because yesterday I was in the grounds coming back into the hospital with Sarah, and we were facing the sun, and suddenly I saw a muted shaft of light. It hurt a bit and was so unexpected that I jumped and realised that the blackness in front of my eyes had been replaced by blurred grey images. This morning it’s better still.’

  ‘Will it get better than that?’ Peggy asked. ‘What did the doctor say?’

  ‘I haven’t seen the doctor,’ Sam said. ‘He isn’t here today and he’s always difficult to see on Sundays, so I don’t know what he thinks.’

  ‘And you don’t want to tell Sarah?’

  Sam shook his head. ‘Nor the parents. Nobody, really, because I want to see that this improvement is going to last, or get better before telling everyone.’

  ‘Sam, this is just such marvellous news,’ Peggy said as she put her arms around her brother. ‘And I couldn’t be more pleased for you, but I will have to tell someone or I’ll burst. Can I tell Violet?’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Sam said. ‘I don’t mind Vi knowing. Just make sure that no one overhears you.’

  ‘I’ll be careful,’ Peggy said. ‘And now we must talk of something else because Sarah will be on her way back.’

  The following day, though, there was further improvement in Sam’s ability to see. Faces were sometimes still a bit blurry, so he wasn’t able to see the troubled eyes of his parents, his mother in particular, but her heard the apprehension in her voice. He felt a wave of sympathy for her wash over him because she had hardly got over the fact that he had been blinded.

  He would ask the doctor about his recovery as soon as he saw him the following day.

  The doctor was both amazed and delighted when Sam told him of the changes to his eyesight and he took him into his surgery and shone the pen light into the back of his eyes.

  ‘What do you think, Doc?’ Sam asked.

  ‘I think, Mr Samuel Wagstaffe, you are one very lucky young man.’

  ‘D’you mean that I will regain my full sight?’

  ‘It’s impossible to say with certainty,’ the doctor said. ‘You could, or it could stay the same as it is now, though the fact that you say each day it improves is a hopeful sign.’

  ‘It does,’ Sam said. ‘This morning, for instance, it’s like a film has been removed from my eyes, and I could see the fingers on the clock on the wall as soon as I woke up.’

  The doctor nodded. ‘That’s the sort of thing that can happen and it’s not all that surprising, really, because you lost your sight as a result of trauma or shock. But now your life is much better and, most importantly you have the lady you love by your side. Good gracious, I bet she’s over the moon?’

  ‘I haven’t told her, Doctor,’ Sam said. ‘And I’d rather you didn’t, not just yet.’

  ‘I won’t say a word, don’t worry,’ said the doctor. ‘It’s not my news to tell.’

  ‘But I won’t have to stay here any longer now, will I?’ Sam said. ‘I mean, I don’t need rehab any more.’

  ‘Oh, can’t wait to leave us now, eh?’ said the doctor with a smile. ‘Just leave it another few days, till the weekend, and we will have a better idea of how good your eyesight is going to be.’

  Sam saw the sense of that and he prepared himself to see Sarah’s face clearly for the first time since the accident. His hearing had become much keener since he’d lost his sight, and as he sat on the chair by his bed he was listening out for her. Eventually he heard her footsteps in the corridor getting closer and he felt as if a ball of excitement had unravelled inside him. Then Sarah was framed in the doorway.

  He was prepared for her to be scarred. Heavens, he had been shocked enough when he’d seen his own pockmarked face for the first time that morning. However, Sarah had a smile that nearly split her face in two and caused the light to dance beh
ind those beautiful eyes. Her discoloured blemishes were no longer unsightly and didn’t really seem to matter. She was his own dear Sarah, whom he loved with a passion.

  Had Sarah not had news of her own, she might have been puzzled at Sam’s preoccupation with her face, but she had barely sat down before she said, ‘We hadn’t heard a word from Dad for over a fortnight. Remember me telling you that?’

  Sam nodded. He knew how worried Sarah had been, and even Peggy had expressed concern.

  ‘Well, that was because he was in hospital,’ Sarah said. ‘He had developed a fever and so was sent to a fever hospital in France where they spoke little English. He said that no one seemed to know where he was for a while. Anyroad, in the end they tracked him down and the military doctor that examined him discharged him from active duty. He said the fever had damaged his heart slightly. It isn’t serious as long as he’s careful, but he’s not fit for fighting any more and so he’s being shipped home.’

  ‘Oh, I bet your mother is pleased,’ Sam said. ‘When’s he due?’

  ‘This Saturday. I won’t be able to visit on Thursday or Friday because Mom wants a hand getting the place spruced up.’ And at this she gave a wry smile. ‘As if Dad will even notice. Mom did want to welcome him home with a party but he doesn’t want one. He says the end of the war, which will have to happen any day now, is time enough to celebrate and he wants to have a few quiet days at home with family. We haven’t seen him for nearly five years.’

  ‘I think he’s right,’ Sam said. ‘He’s going to see a mighty change in all of you.’

  ‘I’ll say.’ Even the twins will be thirteen in June. The Americans call them teenagers and it so describes that age halfway between an adult and a child.’

  ‘Oh, yes,’ Sam commented wryly. ‘We have much to thank our American cousins for.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Sarah with a giggle. ‘According to your Peggy that includes GIs and nylons.’

  ‘That sounds like Peggy all right.’

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind me not coming in for a few days?’