College

by Joshua Piven

  • Place your forearms on the floor on either side of your head.

  • Raise your body and legs slowly up the wall. Keep your body weight on your arms, not your head. Lean against the wall as needed.

  Raise your heart rate.

  If you find yourself nodding off, do a few calisthenics to raise your heart rate. Do 25 jumping jacks, or skip rope or jog in place for 5 minutes.

  Get a study partner.

  Even if he is not cramming for the same exam, you and your partner can quiz each other and talk as you start to get drowsy. Do not stay up with someone you know will distract you with either idle chatter or sexual tension.

  Standing on your head will increase circulation.

  Be Aware

  Even if you don’t plan on going to sleep, set your alarm clock. To make sure that you are awake when you need to be, set every alarm you can find— watches, computers, cell phones, and hand-held electronic devices often have built-in alarms. Arrange for a friend or your roommate to back up the alarms with a wake-up call.

  HOW TO TAKE A TEST WHEN YOU HAVE NOT STUDIED

  ESSAY

  Find a pocket of related knowledge.

  Pull in details from a subject you know well. If you are passionate about abstract expressionism, bring in details of the art movement to answer a question in a twentieth-century history exam.

  Use a few key words.

  Employ short, less common words, such as wan, fey, nay, and cur. Add a few French bons mots. If you cannot spell the words, write sloppily. You will impress your professor with your linguistic erudition, which is better than not impressing him at all.

  Write something.

  Do not leave a question unanswered. You may not receive full credit for the answer, but displaying some knowledge about something will prevent you from taking a zero.

  Scribble an outline.

  On the inside cover of your blue book, illegibly write what appears to be an outline of an answer to show that you thoughtfully planned your answer.

  Do not complete the last sentence.

  No matter when you finish the essay exam, do not write the last sentence. Instead, write “TIME” across the bottom of your exam. This indicates that you would have written much more if you had more time.

  MULTIPLE CHOICE

  Eliminate the wrong answers immediately.

  When there are four choices, two answers are usually completely wrong. Cross them out. If you can discount any other answer, cross it out. “None of the above” and “all of the above” are often the correct answer. Do not discount these right away if you are unsure of the answer.

  Trust your instincts.

  Do not talk yourself out of your gut reaction. If you think a particular choice is the right answer, there is a reason. You may vaguely recall a lecture, something you read in passing, or even relevant information from an episode of your favorite television show.

  Look for a pattern on your answer sheet.

  Watch for some order, be it ABCDABCDABCD or BADDABBADDAB. Be wary if your answers are AAAAAAAAAAAA.

  Do not labor over one question.

  All questions are worth the same amount on multiple-choice exams, so do not get overly involved in any one question. Move on and return to unanswered questions as you have time.

  Answer every question.

  Very seldom are wrong answers weighted more heavily against you than an unanswered question. Depending on the number of choices, you have a 20 to 25 percent chance of answering a question correctly. Guess every time.

  Be Aware

  • Take a class pass/fail if it is not in your concentration, if you have an overloaded schedule, or if you are concerned about your grade point average.

  • There are usually more “true” answers than “false” answers on a true/false exam because false answers are harder to write.

  • Determine what part of the test counts for the most points. Spend a proportionate amount of your time on this section.

  • When possible, reuse facts and information from the multiple-choice portion of an exam in an essay question.

  HOW TO POSTPONE AN EXAM OR GET AN EXTENSION FOR A PAPER

  Blame another class/professor.

  Explain that you had another exam right before the one you want to reschedule, and that since the professor was nice enough to let you run over the allotted time to finish, now you don’t have enough time to take this exam.

  Blame stress.

  Explain to the professor that you care so much about the test/paper that you’re paralyzed and unable to concentrate. Bring in problems from other areas of your life, and talk about how everything is coming down on you all at once. Say that you are afraid the stress is becoming too much to handle.

  Blame your alarm clock.

  Say you were studying all night and slept through your alarm. Offer to meet the professor in person to demonstrate your understanding of the material. Schedule the meeting for several days hence.

  Blame your computer.

  Leave your professor a voicemail in the middle of the night and explain in a panicked voice that your computer crashed and you’ve lost the file. Say that you are starting over from scratch on a friend’s computer and that you will deliver the paper as soon as possible. Make sure that you call the professor’s office number rather than her home phone number—you are unlikely to gain the empathy you’re looking for if you wake your professor in the middle of the night.

  Send an unreadable file.

  Contact your professor five minutes before the paper is due. Say you are having trouble printing. Ask for a short extension. Be prepared for your professor to suggest that you e-mail her the paper or put it on a disk and take it to her office to print. If this occurs, send the wrong file or send a system file that cannot be opened. In the text of the e-mail, promise to drop off a hard copy as soon as you are able to print the file, and be sure to take a hard copy as soon as you are finished writing it.

  Extension Strategies

  Blame your alarm. Blame an accident. Cry. Blame your computer. Blame your pet. Cry.

  Collapse.

  Attend the exam as expected, but after sitting with the test for about five minutes, interrupt the class with a disruptive sickness. Vomiting, fainting, or a seizure are popular choices. The professor will have little choice but to allow you to reschedule the exam. Offer your apologies and say that you would continue with the test if you could.

  Cry.

  HOW TO SURVIVE A BORING CLASS

  Pull your hair or pinch yourself.

  Making yourself physically uncomfortable will make you less likely to fall asleep.

  Wear as few items of clothing as possible.

  The cold will keep you awake.

  Hide more interesting reading material.

  Prop open your textbook and conceal a novel or magazine inside it. Hold a highlighter in your hand and pretend to be taking notes as you read.

  Suggest holding class outside.

  If the weather is nice, ask the professor to teach out on the college green. This strategy rarely works for large survey classes or the sciences.

  Send text messages on your cell phone.

  Engage in a running text message exchange with other students in the class about how bad the professor is. Make sure that your keypad is set to mute so that you do not distract other students around you or draw your professor’s attention to yourself.

  Make paper airplanes.

  Make as many models as you can. Pretend they are having fierce battles.

  Paper Airplane

  Keep a list of words with dirty meanings.

  Write down words with alternate sexual meanings (melons, stock, position, score) as they are spoken by your professor. In the right frame of mind, almost any word will work.

  Take notes with your nondominant hand.

  Concentrate on staying in the lines.

  Take notes in a foreign language.

  Practice your language skills by translating your professor
’s lecture. Bring along your translation dictionary to increase your vocabulary.

  Keep a superlative log.

  Identify the most interesting people in the class on a daily basis. Observe how people change over time. Categories could include:

  • Most attractive

  • Tallest

  • Blondest

  • Ugliest

  • Dirtiest

  • Dumbest

  Pretend you are a secret agent.

  You are on a dangerous mission and must make it through the class alive. Spy on people to see what they are writing. Use a small hand mirror and a penlight to send Morse code to a confederate across the room.

  HOW TO SLEEP IN CLASS

  1 Wear a hat.

  Sharply bend the brim of a baseball cap and pull the visor low over your face to hide your eyes in the shadow. Do not wear a wool ski hat, beanie, or yarmulke, as none of these casts a shadow.

  2 Sit in the rear of the class.

  Choose a seat in the back of the classroom or at least far enough from your professor that he will not notice your heavy breathing.

  3 Sit behind a tall person.

  Position yourself behind a member of the basketball or volleyball team to interrupt your professor’s line of vision. Sitting behind an obese person can also block your professor’s sight line.

  4 Sit on the opposite side of the class from known class participants.

  5 Pad the desktop in front of you.

  Fold a scarf, sweater, or sweatshirt on your desk. Bend one arm and place your elbow on the folded item.

  6 Assume the napping position.

  • Place your thumb under your chin, supporting your jaw.

  • Rest your four fingers on the side of your face.

  • Balance your head on your hand, keeping it upright.

  • Place your notebook open and in front of you; hold a pen in your other hand, to look as if you are ready to take notes.

  Be Aware

  • Avoid wearing dark sunglasses in class. While they may serve to shade your eyes, they also attract attention.

  • Do not let your head slump down to your chest.

  • Do not rest your head on your desk.

  • Do not lie down.

  HOW TO GET INTO A CLASS THAT IS FULL

  Befriend someone in the registrar’s office.

  An inside contact can place you at the top of a wait-list, determine the likelihood of getting into a particular class, give you information about the professor, or even slip you statistics on the dropout rate of the class.

  Ask the professor in person.

  Make the extra effort to plead your case directly. Seek out the professor during her office hours before the first class.

  Present a compelling reason.

  Earnestly convey a specific reason as to why you are so keen on taking this particular class. Mention that you’ve already done a lot of work in the area of study, refer to an obscure article, or say that you’ve published articles on the subject. Convince the professor that your experience and enthusiasm will make the class better for all the students.

  Flatter the professor’s curriculum vitae.

  Bring up a few details about the professor’s alma mater, publications, academic expertise, and reputation. Demonstrate that you are an admirer who wants to study at the feet of the master.

  Attend the first class.

  See if someone drops it or if there are unexpected openings. Stay for the whole class, and participate. Make your presence known. Have all necessary paperwork on hand in case the professor agrees to admit you to the class.

  Be persistent.

  Go to the professor’s office. Leave her numerous voicemail messages. Visit her office again. Keep yourself in her field of vision—she may give in and admit you just so that you will leave her alone.

  Cry.

  Crying may help you gain sympathy.

  Convince a student to drop the class.

  Explain why the class is so important to you. Offer goods and services, or perhaps some money for her trouble. Avoid direct threats.

  HOW TO SURVIVE CLASS WHEN HUNGOVER

  Stay up.

  Rather than sleep off your drinking binge, stay awake through the night: You will be wired with exhaustion by the time you get to class. Stay out for the night, winding up at a greasy spoon.

  Medicate.

  In the morning, take a combination vitamin B and C pill or an antihistamine with a stimulant. Dab hemorrhoid cream under your eyes to reduce puffiness. Drink lots of water. Carry a bottle of water with you.

  Eat breakfast.

  Enjoy the hair of the dog.

  Drink a beer or knock back a shot before you go to class. You’ll retain your buzz and delay your hangover until the class is over. Take care not to act the fool.

  Drink an energy drink.

  For added pep, consume a sports drink.

  Wear a hat.

  A hat with a brim will shield your eyes from harsh lighting and can serve as a cover should you fall asleep.

  Show up on time.

  Walking in late will only draw attention to you and your condition. If you do arrive late, wait until the professor’s attention is distracted by a question from a student or his back is turned. Be as quiet as possible.

  Sit in the back of the room.

  Avoid being jarred by loud, unpleasant noises, like your professor’s voice.

  Do not rest your head.

  Do not put your head on your hand or the desk; these positions are very conducive to sleep. Sit up straight in your seat.

  Remain silent.

  Do not raise your hand or try to answer questions.

  Be Aware

  • To prevent a hangover, eat a combination of a banana, a sports drink, and a multivitamin after drinking/before going to class.

  • An alternative way to prevent a hangover is to eat fatty foods, which coat your stomach, before drinking alcoholic beverages.

  • The best way to prevent a hangover is not to drink.

  HOW TO PAD A RÉSUMÉ

  Be descriptive and creative.

  Employ uncommon action verbs to describe your qualifications and experience. Instead of worked, say coordinated, organized, or interfaced. Consult your thesaurus to avoid repetition.

  Exaggerate job experiences.

  Describe your previous jobs in the most sophisticated language you can. No job is unimportant. If you worked the drive-through lane at a fast-food restaurant, state that you “interacted with a diverse client base in a fast-paced environment.” See the Job Description Euphemism Chart.

  Quantify your experience.

  If you were a peer counselor or guided new students through orientation, be specific about how many people you assisted. If you have handled money in a work or extracurricular situation, include a specific monetary amount or number of transactions. List your campus activities, no matter how trivial they may seem. Mention leadership positions within your fraternity, groups you have organized, volunteer work, or participation in protests. The more full the page looks, the better.

  JOB DESCRIPTION EUPHEMISM CHART

  What you did: What you list:

  Worked the deep fryer Acted as sous-chef in popular lunch venue

  Bagged groceries Coordinated order fulfillment

  Answered phones Interfaced with clients

  Mowed lawns Landscaped for private clients

  Made beds Arranged accommodations for a hotel

  Dug ditches Industrial waste facilitator

  Waited tables Managed client relations

  Babysat Child development consultant

  Folded clothes in department store Sales associate in the garment industry

  Gas station/convenience store clerk Auto mechanic’s assistant

  Lifeguard Health and safety supervisor

  Washed dishes Restaurant critic

  Lifted boxes in a warehouse Inventory manager

  Centerfold Centerfold

  Keep your rés
umé to one page.

  A single page looks solid and full and makes you look more focused and experienced. Reduce the type size, change the font, or decrease the margins at the top, bottom, and sides to make it fit.

  Provide information strategically.

  If your grade point average is below a 3.0, do not include it. If you have a strong GPA in your concentration, list only that. List study groups you have led or special projects in which you have participated. If you include hobbies and interests, be as specific as possible.

  Work your contacts.

  If you or your parents know someone in the company, or if you were referred to the job by an alumnus or another contact, mention it in the first line of your cover letter.

  Impress with your presentation.

  Buy heavy cream linen or white laid paper and envelopes to create the impression that you are stylish and sophisticated. If you are including a writing sample, put it in a binder. Type the mailing label or envelope. Make sure the paper stock of your envelope matches that of your résumé. If you are e-mailing a résumé, be specific about the job you are applying for in the subject line. Do something to grab their attention, such as “Marketing Assistant position— YOUR SEARCH IS OVER!” Include the résumé as an attachment to your e-mail and also cut and paste it into the body of your message to make it as easy as possible for your potential employer to read it.

  Be Aware

  • Check your spelling. Slowly read your résumé backward to ensure that each word is correct. Pay extra attention to your phone number and contact information.

  • Make sure you have a professional-sounding outgoing phone message and that you check your e-mail account regularly. If you live in a group situation, list your cell phone number instead of your home telephone to avoid a roommate answering the phone inappropriately or failing to deliver a message.

  APPENDIX