Songbird Caged

by Lisa Edward

  His breathing started to even out again. “I want to do that every night,” he murmured before he drifted off to sleep again.

  I awoke to the feel of a warm, hard body pressed behind me. The arms wrapped around me were huge, and one carried a tattoo from shoulder to wrist. I ran my fingers down his arm, tracing the design that I had become so familiar with.

  His face nuzzled into my hair, his warm breath against my neck sending shivers up my spine.

  “Good morning, beautiful girl,” he said huskily.

  He pulled me in tighter against him, and groaned, “You always feel so good in the morning.”

  I rolled over and took up my favourite position of tucked under his arm, head on chest. He always smelled so good in the morning. I inhaled deeply.

  “Are you sniffing me again?” he asked teasingly.

  I nuzzled his neck, and inhaled exaggeratedly. “You smell unbelievable.”

  He looked down at me with a sly grin and licked his lips. “I can still taste you,” he said seductively. “But it may need freshening up.” His grin turned suggestive as he rolled me over so I was once again under the weight of his body.

  This couldn’t go any further.

  I kissed him gently on the lips. “Babe, we need to talk.”

  His sexy smile dropped, then a frown spread over his gorgeous face. “Oh God, you’re still leaving, aren’t you?”

  He sat up, running his hand through his hair. Nodding slowly, I sat up to mirror his position.

  “But I thought … I mean … after last night I thought we were … together now.”

  My heart was breaking for him. He looked so confused, so hurt. “Don’t you want to be with me?”

  I couldn’t help it. Tears started to prick my eyes. “I just need some time, babe, that’s all.”

  He ran his hand through his hair again, this time leaving it there. He frowned at me, trying to make sense of what was happening. “Shouldn’t I be the one running away?” he asked.

  “I’m not running away, Cole.”

  “Well I’m right here, I’m not going anywhere. You’re the one who’s leaving.”

  The anguish on his face was too much. I had to look away.

  “Tara, I want you. I want you here with me, every day and every night.”

  I hated that he was so upset, and I was the cause of it. I moved over towards him, and he pulled me onto his lap so I was straddling him.

  “Don’t you want me?” he asked, his voice muffled as he buried his face in my hair.

  “I do want you,” I said hoarsely. “With every fibre of my being I want you. But every fibre of my being is shrouded in guilt because of it.”

  Taking his face in my hands, I made him look at me. His eyes were glistening as tears started to well.

  “Please understand, babe. I still need to fulfil my promise to Riley, and staying here …” I indicated to the fact that we were both naked and I was perched on his lap. “It’s too tempting being here with you.”

  “I’ll behave, I promise.” He raised his hands in the air. “I’ll keep my hands to myself until you say it’s okay.”

  I ran my hands down his chest, tracing the contour of muscle. “I can’t make the same promise. I can’t live here and not touch you. Do you have any idea how exhausting it is to just be your friend when I want so much more? When all I can think about is touching you, and kissing you, and feeling you inside me?”

  The corner of his mouth twitched into a half smile. “I know exactly how it feels, babe.”

  I knew he did. After last night, I had no doubt that his feelings for me were real.

  “Do you regret last night?” he asked softly.

  “Not one second of it,” I responded truthfully. “I’ve never regretted anything that has happened between us: the good or the bad. Our relationship is as strong as it is because we’ve been through so much together.”

  “And now it’s over,” he said miserably.

  I cupped his face in my hands. “It’s not over. Just think of last night as a taste of things to come. But the time has to be right, otherwise it won’t last.”

  He rested his head on my shoulder, burying his face in my hair.

  “I said I would wait for you for as long as it takes, and I meant it.” He lifted his head so he could meet my eyes. “You do what you need to do, babe. I know you want to wait the length of time you promised as a show of respect for Riley. Just know that I’ll be here, okay?”

  I wrapped myself around him not wanting to ever let go. But one thought was plaguing my mind.

  What would I do if Riley came back?

  IT WAS strange living back in my tiny apartment, as if the past few months had been a dream and this was my reality.

  My reality sucked. I had been home for two weeks, and tried my hardest to re-establish my old routine, but motivation was hard to find.

  I forced myself to go to the gym, I worked on Reds, and played at Songbirds or tended bar at night. That was how my life had been when I knew Riley was safe. But he had been missing now for nearly two and a half months, and I was beginning to lose hope that he would ever be safe again.

  I woke on what should have been an exciting day. It was the anniversary of when Riley and I had first met. The anniversary of the day I had met an amazing, caring, sensitive, loving man, and my life had been turned upside-down. I knew that if Riley was here he would have spoilt me, maybe bought me flowers, definitely given me a massage, and we would have probably spent the day in bed having mind-blowing sex.

  Instead, I spent the day with a heavy heart, my stomach churning, and in tears. He wasn’t here, and no one knew where he was.

  Tired of not getting any answers from the military, I called Jay.

  “Hey Jay, how are you?” I started, trying to sound cheerful.

  “Hey Tara, I’m good, what’s up?”

  I exhaled. “Okay, here’s the thing. I don’t know if you can help me, but I can’t get any answers about Riley, and I know your dad is a General and pretty important.” I paused for breath. “So, I was wondering if you could find out anything for me—please?”

  Jay chuckled. “I was wondering when you’d ask, you took your time.” The smile left his voice. “Truth is, I’ve been asking him, but it’s all classified so he won’t tell me anything.”

  “Oh …” I said, totally deflated.

  “But, it’s the annual ball this weekend and I’m playing again, so maybe you could come. If you play with us, you could corner my dad and see if he’ll tell you anything. What do you think?”

  It was a great idea. The only problem was just being there surrounded by soldiers in their full dress uniforms would bring back too many memories, and I didn’t think I’d be able to handle it. I knew I would spend the entire evening subconsciously searching the room for Riley.

  “It’s a great idea, Jay, but I don’t think I’m up to reliving the night Riley and I officially got together just yet.”

  “Oh shit, Tara, I didn’t realise the significance of the evening. I totally understand. I’ll speak to Dad again, okay? See if I can find anything out.”

  It was Saturday night, but The Sons weren’t playing at Songbirds, because it was also the night of the Army Charity Ball.

  Deciding the best thing to do was work, and work hard, I immersed myself in the bar. The fridges were stocked to capacity, the tables were wiped clean, even if they didn’t need to be, and the glasses were polished until they were gleaming. I needed to keep busy to keep my mind off the fact that at this very moment, twelve months ago, Riley had been twirling me around the dance floor, telling me how beautiful he thought I was.

  My eyes started to prickle, and I knew tears were close. I blinked them away and kept polishing those glasses, trying to think of something, anything else to take my mind off things.

  It was no use.

  I looked at my watch. Around about now he was asking me if I thought he could add to my happiness. I smiled. He had not only added to my happiness, he had
added so much love and warmth and laughter to my life. He had been instrumental in making me believe in myself again. It was because of this night twelve months ago that I was where I was now. I would never have played the piano at the ball if I hadn’t been forced to, which means I wouldn’t have had the confidence to then play at Songbirds a few weeks later.

  Everything had happened for a reason. Meeting Riley had led me on the path I was currently on, and it was the right path. I just wished he could be here with me.

  But then, what would have happened with Cole if Riley hadn’t gone away?

  Would I have still been so drawn to Cole that, eventually, I would have broken up with Riley?

  You can’t help who you fall in love with. I truly did, and still do love Riley, and heaven knows I tried to resist Cole, but the forces of nature couldn’t be messed with.

  Maybe I met Riley to lead me to Cole?

  I tried to think of something else, something more mundane. The puzzle of my life was doing my head in.

  Marcus finally told me to go home when the bar was spotlessly clean, and there were no more excuses to keep me there. Looking at him, I tried to fight back yet more tears that threatened.

  “I don’t want to go home tonight. I don’t want to be alone,” I told him sadly. “After the ball last year was when Riley and I … when we, you know … for the first time.”

  I dropped my head into my hands. Marcus came over, and pulled me into a hug to console me.

  “I can stay with you, if you like? But I’ll warn you now—” He grinned at me. “—no funny business. You have to behave.”

  I forced a smile. “Thanks, but I think I’ll go to Cole’s, and wait for him to get home.”

  Cole had decided that he wanted to talk to Jay’s dad, so he was playing piano tonight with the string quartet at the ball. I wanted to know if he had managed to garner any news while he was there.

  Someone was gently shaking me, and it took a moment for me to realise where I was. As I opened my eyes they were met by a pair of loving emerald-green ones. Cole was sitting beside me on the wide couch that I had fallen asleep on as I waited for him.

  “This is an awesome surprise, babe, I wasn’t expecting to see you tonight.” He stroked my hair, brushing a loose curl from my face. “Are you coming to bed?” he asked, with a glimmer of hope in his eye.

  Sitting up, I stretched out the kinks. “No, babe. I just wanted to know if you’d spoken to Jay’s dad tonight. I’m not here to …” I dropped my gaze, and blushed. “… go to bed with you.”

  The corner of his mouth twitched. “I wasn’t expecting you to do anything, just cuddle.”

  He ran the back of his fingers down my cheek briefly before standing. “Let me get changed, and I’ll tell you everything that happened.”

  He turned to head to the bedroom.

  “So something happened tonight?” I called after him.

  He turned, his expression strained. “Just give me a minute, okay?”

  I sat up on the couch, legs crossed, bouncing my knees impatiently. I would count to ten, and if he wasn’t back, I was going to the bedroom to find him.

  I reached eight before he entered the room, dressed in his favourite sleeping boxers, a pillow tucked under his arm.

  So I guess we’re sleeping out here tonight instead.

  We got comfortable, Cole insisting that I curl up beside him as he wrapped his arms around me. He exhaled a calming breath. The energy around us shifted, making me nervous.

  “So, tonight while we were playing, they had a dedication part of the evening, where they showed photos of all the soldiers who had been killed in the past twelve months.”

  I thought about Cooper’s bright smiling face being one of those shown. I was glad I hadn’t been there.

  He raised his free hand, and ran it through his hair. “Oh fuck,” he muttered under his breath. “Babe, they showed Riley’s photo.”

  Time stood still. My breath caught in my throat, which was probably just as well, because a horrific scream wanted to escape. I couldn’t move.

  Cole raised his head to look at me. “Babe, I know it’s a shock. Are you okay?”

  Sitting bolt upright, I gazed at him, dumbfounded. “Am I okay? NO! Of course I’m not okay, he’s not dead! He’s just missing, they haven’t found him yet, but that doesn’t mean he’s dead.” I grabbed Cole’s arm. “They got it wrong. Did you tell them they got it wrong? That he’s not dead?”

  Now I could breathe, but I could breathe too much. I was starting to hyperventilate.

  Cole sat up, trying to comfort me. “Deep breaths. Look at me,” he said softly, holding my face in his hands. “That’s it, just try to control your breathing.”

  I raised my eyes to meet his, but the tears were blurring my vision. Cole wiped them away with his thumbs.

  “Babe, I spoke to Jay’s dad. They have changed their classification from missing.” He was trying to tread so carefully. He could see I was at breaking point.

  “What? What does that mean?” I asked imploringly.

  “It means they have stopped actively searching for him, Tara. They think he’s dead.”

  I couldn’t sleep. I hadn’t slept for days. Since Cole had told me that the army had given up on Riley, I couldn’t shut my thoughts down for one second.

  He was still out there somewhere. I could feel it. Or was that just wishful thinking?

  Sitting on the worn couch in my apartment, with only a dim lamp lighting the room, I held my favourite photo of Riley. He had slightly longer hair, and a shadow of whiskers on his cheeks and jaw line. A relaxed, sexy smile was belying the passion you could see burning in his eyes.

  I kissed the photo for the one-hundredth time, then wiped a stray teardrop that had fallen on the glass frame.

  They had searched the area where the helicopter had gone down for any trace of the three missing soldiers, and had come up empty-handed. There was no sign that they had left the area on foot or by jeep, but they were not at the site, either, so where had they gone? The only nausea-inducing explanation was that they had been picked up by terrorists, and taken somewhere. I didn’t want to know what had happened, because if that were the case, then Riley’s last remaining hours or days would have been bloodcurdlingly terrifying for him, and that was a thought I just wouldn’t allow myself to entertain.

  I just hoped and prayed that he had gone quickly, his last thought being of how much he had been loved and cherished.

  How much he would be missed.

  DROPPING MY keys on the side table, I sunk down into the couch. I was totally exhausted, and emotionally drained. But there was one more thing I needed to do tonight before I could go to bed.

  I needed to call Kelli.

  “Hi Kell, I hope it’s not too late to call you. I just wanted to check in with you.”

  Kelli sounded tired, and I knew why. It was six months today since the guys had left on their secret mission, which meant it was today that they were due to come home.

  “Hi Tars, today has been hard, but I’m okay. Little Peanut’s been kicking me constantly, and my parents are driving me insane.” She paused. “How are you coping?”

  I rested my elbow on the arm of the couch, head in my hand. “I have a confession,” I said with a yawn, “I spent the entire day at the airport today.” I rubbed my face wearily. “I know it’s crazy, but I just felt like I needed to be there, just in case he stepped off a plane.” My voice caught in my throat. “I wanted to be there to greet him. I didn’t want him to come home after six months and be alone.”

  I’d been so strong all day, I hadn’t cried once as I’d watched plane after plane land, and happy families and friends meet loved ones. But I couldn’t be strong anymore. As the tears started to flow, I rested my face in my hand and sobbed.

  “He’s really not coming home, Kell. He’s really gone, isn’t he?” Wiping my hand over my face, I tried to take a few calming breaths. “What do I do, Kell? I don’t know what to do.”

 
I could hear Kelli quietly crying on the other end of the phone. Her heart was breaking for me, just as mine had broken for her when she had been told she had lost Cooper.

  “You move on, Tars,” she said softly. “You have to move on.”

  I knew she was right. It was what Riley had said in his last letter to me, but to move on was to admit that I thought Riley was gone forever, and I would never see him again.

  “I have a confession to make, too,” Kelli told me, pulling me out of my thoughts. “You know when we were staying at Cole’s all those months ago?”

  “Yes,” I replied apprehensively.

  “I came out to the kitchen to get a drink of water a couple of times during the night.”

  Immediately I knew where this was going, and my face began to flush.

  “I saw the two of you cuddled up together on the couch,” she said. I could hear a smile in her voice.

  “Why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you drag me back home like you said you would?” I asked, surprised.

  She sighed. “Because it wouldn’t have done any good. The thing is, dragging you back home wouldn’t have kept the two of you apart. I don’t think anything could keep you apart.”

  I looked down at my engagement ring. I knew she was right.

  “I know you love Riley, but tell me, if you had to choose between Riley and Cole, who would you choose?”

  I gasped. “You can’t ask me to choose. There’s no way.”

  She laughed. “That’s the point. If I had to choose between Cooper and anyone in the entire world, I would always pick Cooper. For me, there has never been anyone who comes close. But for you …” She let the sentence hang.

  She was right, but was it really that obvious to everyone around me? Did everyone know that I was in love with both Cole and Riley?

  “You know the incredible thing is, Tars, they both love you, too. I know you wanted to wait for Riley and you have, but don’t risk losing Cole. He loves you; I can see it written all over his face every time he looks at you. I knew it even back then when we were staying with him, but he won’t wait forever. And you shouldn’t wait forever, either. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt, it’s that life is too unpredictable, and far too short. Don’t let guilt or a sense of obligation stop you from being happy.”