Survivor

by Mary Alford

  “It’s wonderful, Mrs. Beckett.” My sweet grandmother appeared pleased by Aaron’s compliment. Was no woman immune to his charm?

  “Gran, you’ll have to share your recipe with Aaron. He’s actually a pretty good cook himself.”

  “Not much to it actually. My motto has always been the simpler the better.”

  “Well, it’s good. It’s a shame your granddaughter doesn’t share your talents in the kitchen.” I’d been enjoying teasing Aaron, until he’d brought up my lack of cooking skills, which I suspected was the only reason he’d brought it up in the first place.

  Before I could think of a snappy comeback, Grandpa Harry stepped in. Although he would never say as much, I had a feeling he was a little curious about what Aaron’s intentions were toward me. “Aaron, did Grace tell you about how we celebrate Thanksgiving each year?”

  “Yes, sir. She mentioned that you have dinner at the mission in town. I look forward to sharing that with you.”

  “It’s always a blessing for us, isn’t it, honey? We do this every year, but you know, I think we’re the ones who get the most out of it. The stories you hear from the people, well it’s inspiring.”

  After dinner, my grandfather left us to go prepare his sermon for the following day. I knew he spent most of his time in that tiny little study of his down on his knees.

  Aaron and I stayed in the kitchen, talking with my grandmother over coffee.

  “I suspect you’ve already found out my granddaughter isn’t much on sharing things about herself with other folks. You would have had to be persistent to get this close to her.”

  I could have argued the point with her. I’d shared more about my life with Aaron than anyone, and it hadn’t been difficult either.

  Instead, I sat quietly, listening to Grandma Ruth work on Aaron in that subtle way of hers. He had no idea what she was doing. In her typical way, she’d feel him out—ask simple questions that any unsuspecting victim didn’t realize had a far deeper meaning to her.

  “Gracie, I had no idea it was getting so late. Your grandfather will be working on his sermon for another hour or more. Why don’t you show Aaron around a little bit? There’s a full moon out tonight, so there’s plenty of light. I think I’ll say good night. You two go and enjoy the evening together.”

  Tomorrow, I promised myself, I’d find the time to set her straight on a few things regarding my relationship with Aaron. For the moment…well what did it hurt to enjoy the beauty of the night without all those city lights around for once?

  Aaron and I grabbed our jackets and went outside in silence. Our feet crunched along the gravel drive that led to the barns off to the side of the house. I told him a little about the place more out of obligation than anything. I doubted he had any real interest in when our barns had been built.

  “I like your family. Your grandparents are nice. You’re lucky, you know. To have such caring people always there for you.”

  “Yes, I know, and you’re right. If it weren’t for them, I’d have ended up in a foster home or worse. I thank God every single day for having them in my life.”

  “Your grandmother’s right. You don’t like to share things about yourself, do you?”

  Not this again. The change in subject was so far away from what we’d been discussing, it caught me completely unprepared. My denial was out before I could stop it. ”That’s not true. I’ve shared a lot of things with you.” He threw me a look that told me this was not the case in his opinion.

  “Oh please. Everything you’ve told me about yourself I’ve had to practically drag out of you.”

  “That’s not true!” We were close to arguing, and I wasn’t even sure why.

  “Then how come every single time I bring up your mother or mention your father, you clam up tight? Why can’t you talk about your mother with me?”

  I started back to the house when he caught up with me and forced me to stop. “You see what I mean? You can’t even talk about it now. Or is it just that you can’t talk about it with me?”

  “Stop it, Aaron. Just stop it. I don’t want to talk about my mother—”

  “It’s not just your mother.” He brought me up against his body. He was actually angry, but I didn’t understand the reason behind his anger. “You tell me you’ll never want to have a serious relationship with any man, but you don’t tell me why.”

  “Because it’s none of your business!”

  “Grace…” I tried to push him away but he wouldn’t let me go. “Why won’t you let me close to you? Why can’t you see…” He didn’t finish, and I wasn’t sure what he was about to say because I couldn’t let him go any further. I pulled out of his grasp and started running back toward the house. “That’s right! Run away as you always do. Don’t let anyone too close.”

  I was crying too hard to answer. I never stopped running until I’d reached my little bedroom. There in the middle of familiar territory, I tried to control my emotions. I wasn’t like the person Aaron said I was. He of all people didn’t know the real me. I had plenty of people who were close to me.

  I tried thinking of one person over the past few years beyond my grandparents and Deb who I’d actually let into my life. I heard Aaron’s quiet knock on my door. I did not intend to answer it. I wasn’t ready to face him again.

  “Grace.” I think Aaron realized all those things because he didn’t wait for my answer. He opened the door and stood just inside. “Grace, I’m sorry.” He stopped and simply shook his head. The gentle sound in his voice was my undoing. I stared at him. I wanted more than anything else to understand why he cared so much.

  “No, you were right. I do keep people away. I’m a cold person.”

  “You aren’t cold at all.” He shut the door and took me in his arms. “You’re a caring human being. But you don’t let anyone close to you, and I don’t understand. I want to. I want to understand everything about you. Because anyone would be lucky to have you call them a friend.” I let him hold me for just a little while longer. For the first time I could remember, I didn’t want to pull away from someone who wanted to be close to me. It was Aaron who finally let me go, but not before he kissed my forehead.

  He walked to the door. “So what time does the party begin tomorrow?”

  “Early. We leave for the mission around seven. Are you up to it, Mr. Severn?” Whatever had passed between us was gone. We were back to our usual teasing relationship, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it.

  “Oh, I think I can keep up. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  Chapter Eleven

  There was another family tradition reserved just for my grandmother and me, but I didn’t tell Aaron about that one.

  Sometime after I became a teenager, we’d gotten in the habit of waking up before dawn, usually before Grandpa Harry even, to have coffee and a little girl talk.

  “Well I was beginning to think you’d forgotten about me,” she told me when I finally staggered downstairs at five thirty the following morning. “I was wondering what else has changed about you lately.”

  I knew exactly what she meant by that but I wasn’t biting. No way was I prepared to get into a discussion about Aaron without coffee first.

  So, I ignored Grandma Ruth’s remark entirely and reached for a cup and the coffeepot. I sat across the table from her and counted to ten.

  “Whatever you think is happening between Aaron and me you can just forget because it ain’t happening. There’s nothing going on between us beyond friendship. He’s just my boss. You know how I feel about the other stuff, so you can just forget it.”

  “You can say whatever you want, but you’ve never brought any of your other friends home before, and I’ve certainly never seen you look so nervous around a man before.”

  I realized getting her to see the truth was going to be harder than I’d imagined. My grandmother could be a stubborn woman when she wanted to be. I looked her square in the eye and tried to set her straight.

  A little voice inside my head
told me I wasn’t fooling anyone, especially the woman seated across from me, if I thought I wasn’t at least interested in Aaron.

  After all, I was human, even if I did try to shut that part of me away completely, and Aaron was gorgeous. Any woman in her right mind would be crazy not to want to be with him.

  “It’s not like that. I mean just look at him. He’s way out of my league, even if I were interested. Which I’m not, and besides, Aaron isn’t interested in anything…permanent. There would be exactly zero chance of me having a meaningful relationship with someone who doesn’t understand anything but the physical side of love. Aaron is used to dating the prettiest girls around and sleeping with them.” I’d added that part to shock her back to her senses, but I had a feeling the only thing I’d accomplished was to embarrass myself. “He’d never settle for me or what I could give him, that is, if I were interested in him, which I’m not. I mean come on, what do I possibly have to offer a guy like Aaron?”

  “Only your heart, honey. And all the love in the world.”

  “Oh, Gran.” I practically groaned those words. “You’re not ever going to give up, are you? I mean, even if I could trust Aaron, you know I can’t let myself get attached to him. I mean what if…” I didn’t have the guts to finish the statement. I didn’t need to. She understood completely. I was terrified, and I was certain that one day I would receive the diagnosis I’d feared for seventeen years.

  My mother’s diagnosis.

  The death sentence that I’d been waiting for most of my life. And no man, especially not someone like Aaron, was going to stick around and wait for me to become sick and dependent. Or worse, to die.

  “You aren’t going to be like your mother, honey. It’s not going to be your future. I know how much you loved her, and I know you think of her as a saint, but she was just as human as the rest of us. Miranda made mistakes. Some critical mistakes. She ignored all the warning signs that could have saved her life. And the failure of her marriage wasn’t all your father’s fault, no matter how much you want to believe it was. My daughter was young and insecure, and she was constantly afraid of losing your father. In the end, I think that was probably more than he could handle, even if she hadn’t gotten sick. Your momma just couldn’t accept that someone like your father, someone from such a wealthy family and as handsome as that man was, could love her for just herself. Miranda knew she was sick long before she went to the doctor that first time.

  “All those months she put off getting help could have saved her life. I’ve told you at least a hundred times how hard it was to convince her she needed help. It was too late by the time she finally agreed. Why, even your daddy tried. He could see something wasn’t right, but she was just so afraid of what she would find out. She just wouldn’t do it no matter how hard we tried to convince her. I loved my daughter, and I know you worshipped her, but she was human and she made her share of mistakes. But you aren’t like her, Gracie. You take care of yourself. You will never put yourself in that position. You’re strong and confident and you’ll never let your happiness depend on anyone. It’s the difference between you and your mother. You’re strong. Miranda was not.”

  “How do you think I became this way? I am who I am today because I watched my mother die and my father desert us both. When he walked out on Mom, he left me as well. He took the coward’s way out. I know you’ve forgiven him, and I know you and Grandpa want me to as well, but I just can’t do it. And I know, deep in my heart, I can never let myself go through what my mother went through for anyone. And, yes, you’re right, I am strong. But it’s only because of what my mother endured. I wouldn’t be the way I am if it weren’t for her.”

  “Oh, Grace. I wish I could say those are good reasons, but, honey, I can’t. Because you see, I know what you’re missing, and I don’t want that for you. I want you to experience the kind of relationship your grandfather and I have shared for so many years. You have no idea how important love is. I believe it could be possible if you let it. Don’t shut yourself off this way, honey…please. It’s not good for you. You deserve so much more. I want you to know how truly wonderful marriage to someone who cares about you can be. And you never know what a person is capable of until you give them the chance to prove it to you. Maybe you shouldn’t dismiss what you feel for Aaron so quickly. He has a heart and he cares about you—truly cares about you. The rest will come in time if you let it. Sometimes God puts people in our lives for a purpose. I don’t believe it’s an accident that Aaron is part of your life.”

  “There are my two favorite girls,” Grandpa Harry said from the doorway of the kitchen, saving me the need to answer. Not that it mattered. I suspected she knew what my answer would be already.

  Grandpa Harry kissed us both and was busy pouring his first cup of coffee when Aaron followed him in looking like he was still half asleep. Even while still thinking of my grandmother’s last words, I had to smile at the expression on his face.

  “Well, looks like someone needs some mighty strong coffee this morning.” Grandpa Harry handed Aaron the cup he’d just poured and reached for another cup. “You ladies have yourself a nice little chat this morning?” Grandpa Harry asked, coming a little too close to the nerve. “Another family tradition and one you’d best steer clear of boy, if you know what’s good for you,” he told Aaron in his best co-conspiratorial voice. “These two have their annual gossip session every Thanksgiving morning. Just take my advice, young man, and sleep late. You’ll save yourself a lot of headaches that way.” I watched my sweet grandfather nudge Aaron in the ribs while I tried to figure out why Grandpa Harry thought it necessary to fill Aaron in on our little chat when he’d probably never see him again.

  “Drink up, Aaron. You’re about to become part of the Beckett family tradition.”

  I think I almost heard Aaron groan, but I couldn’t be sure and I wasn’t ready to meet the teasing smile I knew was on his face just yet.

  We arrived at the mission at just past seven in the morning, loaded down with the little extras my grandmother insisted on bringing.

  Grandpa Harry busied himself directing Aaron on how to best set up the tables and chairs in the auditorium to allow for the maximum number of people, and I gave Aaron one final sympathetic smile. The poor man would probably avoid any invitation I ever handed him in the future if he were half as smart as I knew him to be.

  “Stop worrying so much.” Grandma Ruth practically had to drag me back to the kitchen after I’d made my third trip out to the dining room to check on Aaron. “Your grandpa will look after him. And if we don’t get this stuff started soon there won’t be any Thanksgiving dinner to put on those tables.”

  After the cooking got into full swing there wasn’t any time to worry about Aaron or whether or not I’d ever see him again after that little fiasco. Just a flurry of carving turkeys, preparing veggies and stirring gravy. By twelve noon everything was ready, and I finally allowed myself to look out at the crowd of people waiting for Grandpa Harry to start the line moving in the direction of the food.

  Aaron stood next to me in the serving line dishing out potato salad while I was in charge of the dressing. As happy as I was to be allowed to share in such a blessing, it was sad to see so many people in need, even though it was amazing so many folks were willing to give up their holiday to help.

  “The crowd looks even bigger than last year. There aren’t usually so many. It’s tragic to see so many people in need,” I told Aaron as Grandpa Harry announced that once everyone had their plates he would say the blessing and we could all enjoy the good food.

  Once the last group of people made their way through the lines, the servers got their plates and found seats amongst the group. I spotted an empty place next to a young woman and her little girl.

  “Is it okay if I sit next to you and your daughter?” She smiled and nodded. “I’m so glad you came today.”

  “Me too. I can’t tell you how much it means to us to have someplace to come to today. I was so afraid ther
e would be nothing this year. This has been a tough year for us, hasn’t it, Emily?”

  I’d spotted the young woman, who appeared be close to my own age, as she went through the serving line with her little girl and my heart went out to them. I suspected they were homeless. It was not the time of year for anyone to be alone and on the streets, especially someone so young and lost, as the two of them appeared to be.

  “I’m Grace. It’s nice to meet you and Emily…I’m sorry, I don’t know your name?”

  “Zoey. Zoey Martin.” The young woman glanced around the room at the crowds of people. “It’s nice that you and your family do this every year. I can’t believe there’s so many in need. I would never have guessed. It’s easy to forget there are other people in need when you’re caught up in something like this. It seems so isolated. As if you’re the only one in the world going through it. It’s just been Emily and me for so long now that I’d almost forgotten how it feels to be around people who care.”

  “Would you share a little about what happened in your life, Zoey?” When I took her hand, I felt an instant connection with her.

  Zoey smiled a little sadly at her daughter, who was busy eating sweet potatoes. “I doubt my story’s all that unusual. I’m sure you’ve heard it a million times before.”

  I hadn’t realized until I felt his comforting presence close to me that my grandfather had silently joined us at the table.

  “You see, my husband left me a little over a year ago. You know the story. We were married way too young. He wasn’t ready for so many obligations. He felt stifled. It’s not such a unique story. But it was so hard. It hurt losing him like that, but mostly I was devastated for Emily. She misses her father. I’ve finally been able to forgive my husband because I know that’s what God wanted me to do. I don’t blame him for what’s happened to us. For a while after he left, though, things were tough but we were okay. We had the house until just a few months back. I lost my job, you see, and couldn’t find another. Then we lost the house. We’ve been on the streets since then. I’d just about given up on human kindness even existing anymore in the world. When you’re down on your luck, it feels as if no one cares what happens to you. That was until someone told me about the mission here. Someone from your church, Pastor Beckett. He invited Emily and me to the dinner today. I’m so glad we came. I hate to think what our day would have been like if we hadn’t learned about this place.”