A Place for Family

by Mia Ross

  This cleared up why she had a sudden aversion to coffee and a preference for bland oatmeal and plain toast. It explained why she wore a face mask when she was cleaning, and her strange reaction to Hailey. Amanda must not be sure how she felt about becoming a mother, and he couldn’t blame her. He didn’t want to say the wrong thing, so he held his tongue.

  “I know it’s awful,” she said in a hushed, wavering tone. “That’s why I couldn’t go to my parents’ place in Arizona. They’re ashamed of me.”

  “Because you made a mistake?”

  “Because I’m a—”

  “Don’t.” He saw the word forming, and he stopped her with a finger over her lips. “Don’t even think that. It’s not true.”

  “I loved Ted,” she confided, burying her face in John’s chest with a sob. “I really, really did.”

  It was a good thing that two-timing snake was three thousand miles away. If John ever ran across him, he’d be sorely tempted to strangle the coward with his bare hands. While he wasn’t crazy about her being in love with someone that slimy, John decided that was why she hadn’t said she loved him, too.

  At least not yet, a hopeful voice whispered in the back of his mind.

  Once Amanda settled a little, she lifted her head and met his gaze. Her eyes were a flat, miserable blue, and he searched for a way to bring the light back into them.

  “This baby is Ted’s responsibility, too,” he said angrily. “He wouldn’t help you?”

  The tactic worked like a charm, and she snorted in disgust. “He offered to pay to ‘take care of it.’” Temporarily back to her spunky self, she air-quoted the last few words with disdain. “If I went along, he promised I’d never want for anything ever again.”

  “To make sure you kept your mouth shut about the affair.”

  “That was his style.”

  “I’m no lawyer, but I think they call that blackmail.” Several insults came to mind, but John decided they were better left unsaid. “You’re better off without him.”

  “I know.” Despite her flash of bravado, Amanda focused on him with a desperate expression. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

  John understood her request, but it wasn’t in his nature to be anything but honest, especially with his family. “How far along are you?”

  “My doctor in California said the baby’s due around Thanksgiving. On Saturday, I have an appointment to meet my new doctor. I talked to her on the phone, and she sounds really nice. Understanding.”

  “Meaning you want me to be understanding, too?”

  “Please, John. You’re the only one who knows, and I want to keep it that way.”

  Giving him an expectant look, she cranked the wattage on those irresistible baby blues. Even though he questioned the wisdom of agreeing, he didn’t know what she’d do if he insisted she come clean with his family. Jittery as she seemed right now, he wouldn’t be surprised if she quit her job and left the farm rather than confide what she obviously felt was an unforgivable mistake.

  That would leave the Sawyers without a housekeeper, and Amanda on her own with no money, no job and no car. In his mind, all those options were worse than keeping his mouth shut a little longer. Beyond that, he’d never had much success refusing her anything. He really shouldn’t continue letting her run roughshod over him this way, but old habits die hard. At least, that was the excuse he gave himself as he reluctantly nodded.

  “Okay. For now,” he clarified sternly.

  “Thank you.” Gratitude flooded her eyes, and she rewarded him with an exuberant hug.

  Returning that warm gesture felt so natural, he did it without thinking. He came dangerously close to kissing her again, then thought better of it. She was still in trouble, and while he could be supportive, it would be best for both of them if he kept his distance.

  He couldn’t care less what other folks might think, but she had enough going on in her life right now without adding him to the mix. She knew he loved her, but he wouldn’t be surprised to find she wasn’t ready to even think about getting involved with someone while carting around such life-altering baggage.

  It made every kind of sense, John reasoned. He’d just have to be patient while she sorted things out. And he’d try not to think about what he’d do if she never said those precious words back to him.

  Pushing the unfamiliar emotions aside, he got practical. “You know you can’t keep a secret like this forever, right?”

  “I’ll deal with that later.” With a determined look, she added, “Marianne’s twins are due in a few weeks, and I figure she’ll be back on her feet by early September. By then I’ll have some money to tide me over until CPR starts turning a profit, and I can get my own place.”

  “Where?”

  “I was thinking Kenwood. It’s bigger than Harland, and people there don’t know me.”

  “That’s the problem,” he pressed. “You’ll be even more pregnant then, and things will only get harder. Do you really want to be on your own like that?”

  “I’m tougher than I look,” she assured him airily. “I’ll be fine.”

  “How ’bout after the baby’s born? It takes both Matt and Caty to take care of Hailey when she’s healthy, never mind when she’s sick. How are you gonna manage that and work full-time?”

  He managed to stop short of begging her to stay at the farm, but just barely. Judging by her sudden dive in attitude, she hadn’t planned that far ahead. Even when they were kids Amanda had always been a dreamer, jumping from one adventure to another without looking. In truth, her bold, spontaneous nature was one of the things he’d admired most about her. That is, until she left her easygoing buddy behind and flew off to find her rainbow. He hadn’t liked that much. And now that she had a child to consider, that kind of impulsiveness could lead them both straight into disaster.

  For a few moments, she looked even less confident than she had earlier, and John regretted voicing his concerns so bluntly. Judging by her reaction, he suspected that she’d had the same thoughts but for some crazy reason had tucked them away to examine later. The problem was, Thanksgiving wasn’t as far away as she seemed to think. She had a lot to figure out between now and then.

  * * *

  John Sawyer was in love with her.

  Hugging her pillow, Amanda allowed herself to savor the memory of their first kiss for a few blissful moments. Dancing to that song, with the fireworks going off over the lake, had been like a scene from a romantic movie. The kind where the guy tells the girl he’s been in love with her forever, and she gasps in surprise and tells him she’s always loved him, too.

  Only that’s not how it went for her, Amanda recalled with a sigh. Because she was too scared to bring John that close, only to have him decide that she and a baby were more than he’d bargained for. Men liked to make their own children, she mused sadly, not inherit someone else’s.

  Still, she couldn’t believe it had never occurred to her that John had such strong feelings for her. It explained why he’d always been her champion, defending her from boys who got out of line. From high school to the present, he’d come to her rescue time after time, never too busy—or too angry—to make sure she was okay. It also cleared up that pesky question Ruthy had asked her at the diner.

  He’s the catch of the county, but none of his darlings stick around for long. Haven’t you wondered why?

  Now Amanda understood it was because John loved her. Not Ginger, or one of the countless cheerleaders he’d dated in high school who still probably lived around here. Her. Driven, high-maintenance, demanding her.

  Just thinking about it made her giddy, as if she’d won first prize in a contest she hadn’t even entered. As she snuggled into that feeling, she realized that she felt the same way about him. It was why he’d kept crossing her mind every so often, even though he was thousands of miles away. Sh
e’d always assumed it was a simple case of nostalgia, revisiting her country boy when life in the fast lane got to be too much to handle.

  Now she recognized that John had represented much more than a safe haven from adult responsibilities. Somehow, her heart had known that he was the one man she could trust never to hurt her. The one who would always step between her and the world, no matter what nasty turns her life might take. She hadn’t come back to Harland for a fresh start in friendly territory.

  She’d come back to John.

  And, as always, he hadn’t let her down. Despite his resentment over her neglecting him, he’d come around and done more to help her than she ever could have expected. Because he loved her.

  But how did he feel now? she wondered, resting her hand over the noticeable bulge under her oversize T-shirt. Was his immense heart generous enough to love her in spite of the fact that she was carrying another man’s child?

  Or had she finally done something so horrible that even John couldn’t forgive her?

  Lying there in the dark, she did something she hadn’t done in a very long time.

  “Please, God,” she whispered as tears started down her cheeks. “I know I don’t deserve it, but if you’re still listening to me, I could really use your help.”

  * * *

  In the early morning hours, John lay awake, staring up at the ceiling. He’d been doing a lot of that lately, and it didn’t take a brain surgeon to diagnose the reason.

  Amanda.

  Now that he knew what she’d been keeping from him, part of him wished he hadn’t pushed to know the truth. Then again, it wouldn’t be much longer before everyone in town figured it out, and then he’d be mad that she hadn’t trusted him enough to confide in him herself. Right?

  He didn’t even want to think about the tangled feelings that had wrapped around him, refusing to let go. One thing he couldn’t deny: Amanda hadn’t suddenly gotten under his skin tonight at the lake. She’d stolen his heart in high school, but he’d been too dense to realize it. Now, when there might actually be something between them, the timing couldn’t possibly be worse.

  Rubbing his hands over his face, he groaned at the knotted thoughts clogging his mind. From Ted’s callous attitude toward an innocent unborn child, to the Gardners’ cold rejection of their own daughter, John found himself swirling in a sea of rage totally foreign to him. Having lost his mother when he was only five, he accepted that life wasn’t fair, that things didn’t always work out the way he wanted them to.

  God had reasons for doing what He did, and John had always trusted in that wisdom without question. But this time, Amanda was caught up in the mess, and he wasn’t taking it well.

  “Why?” he said out loud. “I know she’s not close to You right now, but she’s a good person, and she doesn’t deserve to have all this bad stuff happening. Why would You let her get hurt over and over like this?”

  While he mulled it over some more, it dawned on John that he’d answered his own question. In truth, God hadn’t let Amanda drift away from Him unnoticed. When her life spiraled out of control, He took the opportunity to send her back to Harland where she belonged.

  And to him, John realized with sudden clarity. Because, difficult as it would be, he wouldn’t abandon her now. Amanda might claim all kinds of toughness, but he suspected that she and her baby were going to need all the love and understanding he could give them.

  Just before he fell asleep, he closed his eyes and prayed for strength. For all of them.

  Chapter Nine

  Was the Sawyer kitchen ever completely empty? Amanda wondered while she cracked eggs for omelets Saturday morning. John and Matt were there, breaking up a day that had started before dawn with a farmer’s breakfast. Caty was filling a bottle for Hailey while the little cherub blew raspberries at her daddy. Ridge, Kyle and Emily stopped just long enough for some cereal and orange juice before heading out to Kyle’s baseball game.

  As the van went up the driveway, Amanda realized she had no way to get into town until they came back. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was nine. “When is baseball over?”

  “Two, maybe three,” John mumbled around a mouthful of eggs. “Doubleheader today.”

  Caty was the first one to figure out what she really meant. “Do you need the van?”

  Much as Amanda hated to cancel her appointment, she saw no way around it. “It can wait, I guess. Matt, did you have a chance to look at my car?”

  Since he was chewing, he nodded. After a sip of coffee, he replied, “My advice? Call a wrecker.”

  More bad news, Amanda thought as she bit her lip. “It’s as bad as all that?”

  “If it was ten years newer, I’d take a shot at it just for fun. Main problem is, all those fried parts are gonna be tough to find.”

  “Which makes them expensive,” she guessed.

  “Yup. Junkyard’s the best place for that stuff, but it takes a long time to find something in good enough shape to use. The scrapyard will come and get the car, give you seventy-five bucks or so and get it out of here.”

  Nice as he was being about the whole thing, it didn’t take a genius to read between the lines: please get your wreck of a car out of my barn. “Okay, I’ll call them Monday.”

  “That doesn’t solve your problem today,” Caty pointed out. “You can use Matt’s truck if you want.”

  “Sorry, I have to get more seed this morning,” Matt corrected his wife. “What about John’s car?”

  John broke up laughing, making Amanda smile. “I don’t know how to drive a standard.”

  “You’re kidding.” She shook her head, and Matt said, “Well, I can go later. Go ahead and take my truck.”

  “That’ll set us behind another half day, and we’re already a week behind,” John reminded him. “I’ll take her and then come back.”

  He’d obviously decided he was accompanying her to the doctor, and Amanda’s pulse spiked with dread. She was nervous enough without bringing along a spectator. Especially not one who’d bared his soul to her one night and gave no sign of it the following morning. His bizarre attitude was making her edgier than she’d have imagined was humanly possible. “You don’t have to—”

  “No problem. Really.” Punctuating the final word with a “don’t argue with me” look, he shoved his chair back and stood. “I’ve got some things to do on the way. Let’s go.”

  “I’m not ready.” Appalled by the shake in her voice, Amanda wanted nothing more than to crawl back under the covers and go back to sleep.

  “Yeah, you are.” Opening the door, he repeated, “Let’s go.”

  Her feet felt like they were cemented to the floor. Caty’s puzzled expression got her in gear, and Amanda gave herself an internal shake. Forcing herself to move, she got her purse from a hook in the pantry and managed a reasonably calm goodbye.

  “Thanks for nothing,” she muttered to John as they strolled toward his car parked in the turnaround. “This is really hard, you know.”

  “Putting it off won’t make it any better.”

  “Easy for you to say.”

  “The Kenwood Clinic, right?” he asked as he opened the passenger door for her. “So nobody in town will see you going.”

  “Am I really that predictable?”

  “You’re very unpredictable. I just know how your mind works.”

  They stood there, at arm’s length, staring at each other. For the first time she could recall, she couldn’t read John’s feelings in his eyes. They were guarded, studying her the way they had the day she showed up at the farm. Hesitant, mistrustful.

  “John, about last night—”

  He waved her off before she could finish. “Don’t worry about it. Lost my head is all.”

  She’d lost hers right along with him, forgetting about everything but ho
w it felt to be wrapped in his arms, bathed in starlight and fireworks, drinking in the moment. Wishing it would go on forever.

  Tell him, her heart whispered. Tell him you love him.

  Torn between sentiment and practicality, she gazed up at him, hoping he might somehow understand. Slowly, the ice in his eyes warmed to the color of a clear summer sky, and he gave her a tender smile. “I’m not Ted, y’know. When I say ‘I love you,’ I mean it.”

  “How did you know that’s what was bothering me?” she asked with a shaky laugh. “Even I didn’t know until just now.”

  “I told you.” Reeling her into his arms, he dropped in for a quick kiss that was half smirk. “I know how your mind works. What I’m interested in now is what you’re feeling.”

  As the last of her misgivings fell away, her answer came easily. “I love you, too.”

  During her long, sleepless night, she’d realized it was true. She’d loved the boy, and now the man he’d become. It had happened so gradually, she hadn’t recognized her enduring fondness for what it really was: a deep, unshakable love that had already lasted for years. Impossible as that seemed to her, when it came to John, she just couldn’t help herself.

  Hooking her thumbs onto his thick leather belt, she smiled up at him. “You know that.”

  “I still like hearing it.”

  “Things are bound to get really tough. With everything else you’ve got, why would you want to take on a pregnant woman?”

  “Because I love this pregnant woman.” Smiling reassurance, he rested his strong hand on her waist. “And I love kids in general, so this is no big deal. I’m your guy, Amanda. I won’t let you down.”

  In the middle of a long, lazy kiss, it occurred to her that anyone could see into the barn, and she pulled away. “This is a really bad idea.”

  “Why?”

  “Anyone can see us in here.”

  Laughing, he tickled her nose with his finger. “You really have to quit fretting over what people think.”

  His condescending tone irked her, and she narrowed her eyes in irritation. “Care to guess what I’m thinking right now?”