by Chris Watt
Again, Sean took his time to answer, a moment’s pause that might have aroused suspicion in Jodie’s mind had it not been drowned that evening with cheap alcohol.
“I guess I’m too nice for her.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jodie asked, causing Sean to exhale a little in exasperation.
“Jodie, your friend shot-gunned a bottle of cider with you two hours ago and now she’s passed out downstairs. I’m eighteen, it’s a Friday night and I’m sober. Do you need to join the dots?”
“So why’d you go out with her in the first place?”
Sean sat up and sighed, laying his guitar on the floor, but he didn’t answer. Jodie lay still for a few moments before sitting up to join him.
“What’s wrong?”
Sean shook his head, realizing the futility of his situation.
“It’s stupid.”
“That’s okay,” replied Jodie, “I’m stupid, and I can take it.”
The two friends allowed their eyes to meet and then they shared a laugh.
“Well,” he continued, “I guess since everybody’s being honest tonight I should be too.”
“What is it?”
Sean shut his eyes tight, as if hoping that perhaps there was another way out of his current situation. Sadly, there wasn’t, and he knew it.
“I think I started seeing Laura because she’s your best friend.”
Jodie rubbed her head again.
“I don’t get it.”
Sean motioned with his eyes, towards his window. Jodie followed his gaze, falling on her own bedroom window. But the implication was too subtle for Jodie’s drunken mind to process. She brought her gaze back to Sean and gave a slightly frustrated,
“What?”
“I like you.”
Sean allowed his eyes to meet Jodie’s searching for her reaction.
“You like me?”
“Yes, and I think, in some really stupid, complicated way, I thought that maybe by being with Laura, it would be a good way to see you every day.”
“Why didn’t you just ask me out instead?”
“I didn’t say it made sense, did I? Not everyone can be as smart as you. Besides, you had your sights set a little higher than me.”
Jodie suddenly felt nauseous, knowing exactly what he meant, as well as the
consequences that were still awaiting her for it.
“Relax,” said Sean, patting her on the knee, “it could be worse.”
“He’s sleeping with my mother and I’ve been obsessing about him. I’m going to fail my exams because I’ve spent all my time thinking about this one guy so please tell me how could it be any worse?”
Sean tried to think of an answer, something positive that might be redeemed from the situation.
“I’ve got nothing, sorry.”
Jodie let out and audible groan.
“See? And now I’m sitting here, shitfaced, talking to my neighbor, when I should be over there trying to sort things out.”
“But on the plus side, you haven’t thrown up yet.”
Jodie exhaled and shook her head.
“I feel terrible.”
“You look great, though.”
“You think so?”
“Sure.”
Jodie smiled and then slowly laid her head on Sean’s shoulder.
“Thank you. You’re really nice, y’know?”
“Yeah,” he replied, “I get that a lot. Sometimes I think I’m too nice.”
“Why?”
“Well girls seem to go for guys with more edge.”
“You seem so together all the time.”
“Thank you. I wait until I’m alone before I break down. I’m actually really immature.”
“Well, my mum always said that guys mature later than girls.”
“She’s a smart lady.”
“She is,” Jodie started to feel ill again and started to breathe in and out deeply, trying to fend off the dizziness that had been inevitable. It was then that she caught her reflection in Sean’s window, sitting there at the end of the bed, her head on his shoulder, a snapshot that made far more sense.
“What the hell have I been doing?”
Sean also noticed their reflection and while it made him feel happy, it seemed tinged with sadness - like a glimpse of something that was not to be.
“Hey,” he whispered, “I haven’t given you your birthday present yet.”
“You didn’t have to do that.”
“I know, but like you said, I’m nice.”
Sean leaned across to his desk and grabbed a small wrapped box off of it.
“Happy birthday,” he said, handing her the gift. She gave him a fake-annoyed smile of
‘you shouldn’t have’ before unwrapping it to reveal a new I pod.
“Oh, Sean,”
“What?”
She’d never been given a gift from a boy before, let alone one that clearly cost quite a bit of money. She opened the box and picked up the small shiny mp3 player to look at it closer.
“Thank you. I don’t know what to say, it’s too much.”
“Turn it over.”
Jodie turned it over to find that it was engraved with
‘Happy 18th, Jodie McPhee’
Sean leaned forward a little, taking a closer look at the writing, before adding,
“Now it’s too much. What do you think?”
The answer came unexpectedly, as Jodie leaned forward and kissed him softly on the lips.
Sean, despite the surprise, couldn’t help himself, and kissed her back. She shuffled forward on the bed a little while Sean brought his hand up to gently touch her cheek as they continued to kiss.
This was when Jodie felt something strange happen, something she hadn’t felt two hours earlier when she had kissed Rob. The feeling only managed to last about fifteen seconds before Sean stopped himself and pulled back:
“Wait.”
Jodie still had her lips pursed and eyes closed as he said this. She slowly sat back and opened her eyes, a feeling of dread overcoming her.
“Oh God, what did I just do?”
Sean breathed out and tried to approach things as delicately as he could.
“You kissed me.”
Jodie started to freak out, her head beginning to spin.
“That’s not cool, is it?”
Sean tried to comfort her, sensing that her confidence had been knocked enough for one night.
“It’s fine, just...”
“What?”
Sean found himself almost laughing at the situation as he replied:
“Bad timing.”
This was when another voice entered the conversation.
“Understatement of the decade asshole!”
Jodie and Sean both turned towards the door to see Laura standing before them.
“Laura,” Sean stood up, “this isn’t what you think.”
Laura was having none of it:
“This explains a lot.”
Jodie, meanwhile, started to breathe a little too quickly for her liking, whispering
“I don’t feel good.”
“So, this is why we broke up?” The look of rage and confusion on Laura’s face was almost comical, the tone in her voice a little less so.
“Don’t be silly, it was nothing to do with her, it was all you...” before immediately correcting himself, “I mean us, us.”
Laura grabbed a CD case from Sean’s desk and threw it at him.
“Fuck you!”
And with that, Laura stormed out of the room and down the hallway, before quickly coming back for a second last word, directed straight at Jodie,
“Oh and happy fucking birthday!”
She slammed the door as she left and could be heard stomping down the stairs and slamming the front door.
“Wonderful,” was all Sean could say, before turning back to Jodie, just in time to witness what happened next. Jodie lurched forward, feeling the bile gathering momentum at the back o
f her throat, her head feeling like it was about to split in two, before delivering, throwing up all over Sean’s guitar.
The night ended as it had begun, with a bottle of cider.
FORTY-NINE
Katy had been sitting in the living room for the last two hours, but only now did she have the nerve to talk about what had happened. She was still holding the letter from Jodie’s school in her hand, along with the ‘sabotage list’, occasionally going back to have another look, almost out of the belief that she was in fact dreaming all this. Each time she was hit with a new wave of disappointment and sadness.
Rob found himself in almost as uncomfortable a position. He couldn’t help but feel partly responsible for all of this. He could never have known that he was the focus of Jodie’s affections. He and his friends used to joke about people in situations like the one he now found himself in. If only he’d known how genuinely un-funny a scenario it had turned out to be, he might have laughed a lot less. And unlike his friends, he wouldn’t have fantasized about enjoying it, either. Because looking at Katy, sitting in the moist residue of the admittedly few tears she had shed that night, seeing the woman he was involved with in pain was almost unbearable now.
Katy sniffed, before taking one last look at the pieces of paper in her hands and saying,
“You should be flattered. The way she talks about you, it makes me feel jealous.”
Rob wasn’t sure whether to take this as a compliment. He found himself beginning to pace around the room, constantly checking the window to see if there was any sign of Jodie.
“Jealous?” he asked, tentatively.
“She’s in love with you.”
Rob didn’t want to hear this now. He was embarrassed enough already.
“So what?” he replied, “I’m in love with...”
He didn’t mean to say it but it was too late. Katy had heard all she needed to.
“Rob,” she replied, with a slight tremble in her voice.
“I’m sorry, but I can only be honest with you and it’s how I feel, and...” his anger was beginning to rise now, he was tiring of all the word games, “Goddamn it, I’m not going to be ashamed of it. So, yes, I love you, Okay?”
As the words came out, Rob became aware of a feeling of relief washing over him, a feeling of satisfaction that came as a direct result of being in the right. What he could never have suspected was that at the exact same moment, Katy felt it too. She didn’t let on in any physical way; no slight smile or fall in the shoulders, but inside her heart was bursting. The only difference was the rationale. For while Rob had utilized this feeling in a positive way; Katy however was trying to prepare herself for what she had to do, and this began with her saying nothing
Rob was pissed off with the silent response.
“That’s it?” he said, surprised to get no reaction out of her, “You’ve nothing you want to say to me?”
Katy shrugged.
“Like what?”
“Like what? Gee, I don’t know, like what? Um, maybe...” Rob’s pacing became more erratic, “... thanks! Maybe, Appreciate it. Maybe, Oh, I don’t know, I love you too. ”
“What good would that really do at this point?” said Katy, incorporating a sigh into the statement.
Rob felt his heart begin to break.
“It might do you some good.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning why are you always so quick to shoot down that sort of talk? What’s wrong with being honest about how you feel?”
“I tried that once,” she replied, before pointing towards the ceiling, vaguely in the direction of Jodie’s room, “and look what happened. Rob, you just don’t...”
“Don’t what?” he interrupted, “Don’t get it? Am I just a kid or something? Or is it just that you’re too scared of what might happen if you say those words.”
“I’m not scared,” she snapped, allowing her anger from the night’s event completely flow over her.
“Then just say it.”
Katy put down the pieces of paper she still held in her hands and stood up.
“Why? Why do you need to hear it so badly?”
“It’s not about me, it’s about you,” he replied, walking over to her and touching her face,
“I love you, why won’t you love me back?”
Katy said nothing. Instead, she brought her hand up to his, holding them there for a second before pulling his hand away from her and stepping past him to stand by the window. Rob was trying to figure out what was going on, why was Katy acting so strange all of a sudden? Katy stood at the window staring out into the night, willing herself to stay strong and finish what she had now started — saying goodbye to the person she was completely in love with.
She knew that her priority had to be her daughter, which meant she had to choose Jodie over Rob. Once again, put her daughter before her happiness. She’d done this before -
cancelling dates, standing up potential boyfriends, even denying herself career progression, all in the hope that her daughter would never end up like her.
While she knew what she was doing and believed that it was the right thing to do, inside Katy McPhee’s heart shattered. It shattered with regret. But it also shattered as Katy realized that everything that was happening between she and Rob was all within her control. And now she was throwing it away, as she had so many times before. What made it all the more twisted and crazy, was that she was letting it happen. Encouraging it, even.
It may have been a defense mechanism, a barrier to keep her from getting hurt. She knew, deep down in her heart, that she had used her daughter as a convenient get out of jail free card more than once in her life. And she hated herself for it. It was just that, after all these years, she had come to terms with it. What she couldn’t have realized was how much it would become second nature to her and that now, even with Rob, she was willing to use Jodie’s situation as the perfect plot twist in her own neuroses.
A horrible thought formed in Rob’s mind:
“You were never really serious about this, were you?” he asked, now angry that she had walked away from him, “Christ, I should have known, we’ve been sleeping together for months. You don’t even keep a toothbrush at my place. You’ve given up, haven’t you?”
Katy used this as fuel and suddenly whipped around to face Rob, hurt and ager in her eyes.
“Piss off! Given up? Given up? When did I ever have a chance to try it let alone give it up? I’ve been a mother for eighteen years now.”
“That’s the point,” he continued, “You’ve spent all your love on your daughter.”
Katy smiled a condescending smile,
“...well, spoken like a person who’s never looked after a child.”
Rob stood bemused, shaking his head.
Katy could feel tears building up in her eyes. She headed for the kitchen, took a seat at her table and lit a cigarette. Rob followed, slowly, and stood in the kitchen doorway. Katy had her back to him, as he said,
“So tell me you aren’t in love with me.”
Katy sighed.
“What?”
“Go on. If it’s so easy to dismiss then it should be no big deal, right?”
She turned to look Rob in the eyes, adding,
“I don’t love you.”
Rob barely hesitated. He stepped into the kitchen and grabbed his coat off the back of Katy’s chair, saying his last piece as he put it on.
“I hate those other men who’ve left you, Katy. Want to know why? Because I’m the only one who’s willing to stick around, and I’m getting all the blame for it.”
Katy didn’t look at him, but she could hear the quiver in his voice, the hint that it was about to break. She was in the same place, which was why she said nothing. She didn’t turn around until the sound of the front door signified that Rob was gone. And just like that, it was over. Katy took her cigarette and walked slowly back into her empty living room and for the first time in eighteen years cried for everything she had given
up.
FIFTY
Rob must have been sitting on Katy’s doorstep for a good half hour trying to recover from the whiplash inducing turn his life had just taken. Unable to come up with a suitable answer he got up and began to walk down the path towards his car, he found himself coming face to face with Jodie. They both froze. Neither knew what to say to one and other. They were both embarrassed; at least they knew they had that in common. But in the end, both of them knew that there was probably no need for anymore words tonight.
Rob merely gave a tired, resigned smile and said:
“Goodbye.”
He walked passed her and got into his car. Jodie could do nothing but watch as he drove away, before turning her attentions back to her front door. Or more importantly, what lay beyond that door.
Walking up the garden path felt like a death march, but she knew there was no avoiding what was had to happen and that delaying any further would be pointless.
As she walked through the front door, she was immediately hit by the warmth of the house. However, almost as quickly, she was hit by an atmosphere of unease.
Jodie didn’t see her mother at first; it was only when she saw the smoke from her mother’s cigarette that she knew she was in the room.
“You’re smoking?!”
Katy sat up and turned to look at her daughter.
“Since when?”
Katy took another drag, before taking it from her mouth and stubbing it out on a nearby plate and replying:
“Try living my life and you’ll understand.”
Jodie then noticed the letter in her mother’s hand. She swallowed, hard.
“I can explain that.”
“Well, you’d better start talking because I clearly don’t know what the hell has been going on inside your head lately.” said Katy.
Jodie slowly walked around the couch and sat in the armchair opposite her mother, keeping her hands up as if she was trying to both repel an attack and re-assure a loved one.
“It’s not what you think.”
Katy gave her a look that said, ‘Yeah, right!’ Jodie realized that her mother was way ahead of her, so back tracked a little.
“Alright, it is what you think.”
“What were you thinking? Have you any idea how bad this looks to a University?”
“I don’t even know if I want to go anymore,” whispered Jodie, with a shake of the head.