Gators and Garters

by Jana DeLeon

  Ida Belle was snoring in the recliner nearby and a couple of other women were scattered on the floor, but they all appeared to be breathing. My head was pounding so I went into the kitchen to grab some water and aspirin but drew up short as I stepped in the doorway. I’d found what might be Gertie’s final resting place.

  Her dining table.

  She was in the center, arms stretched out like she was waiting to be sacrificed. Her shirt was pulled up, exposing her belly, and the skin around her navel was pink. Tricky Ricky was sitting in a chair, slumped onto the table, clutching an empty bottle of the red-hot brand of Sinful Ladies Cough Syrup. The reality of what had gone on after I’d crashed washed over me and made that aspirin run more important than ever.

  Francis was on his perch in the corner, leaned against the wall and dead asleep. The tiara was draped around his neck. I was pretty sure he’d gotten into the gelatin shots. I hurried into the kitchen and grabbed the aspirin bottle from the pantry, dumping three of the lifesavers into my palm, then stuck my head under the sink and took a big gulp to wash them down.

  “I hope you’re making coffee next,” Ida Belle said from the doorway.

  “Actually, I was thinking of heading home for coffee,” I said and pointed to the table.

  Ida Belle looked at the table and blinked, then grimaced as if she’d just seen Celia’s butt and threw one arm over her face.

  “My eyes. Is that what I think it is?”

  “It looks to me like Gertie and Tricky Ricky were doing body shots.”

  “I don’t even know what that is and you’re not going to tell me. Thank God we passed out before then, although I’m beginning to wish I’d made it home. Unfortunately, I think we might have gotten arrested for even attempting to walk.”

  I nodded my agreement, then groaned at the movement.

  “I was having this bizarre dream where I was back in the sandbox on a mission but there was a river with alligators and my target was already dead…”

  I stopped talking and stared at Ida Belle. Then I reached out and grabbed her shoulders.

  “That’s it!” I yelled. “Phone! Where’s my phone?”

  Francis squawked and flapped his wings to maintain his balance, blinking the entire time. I ran into the living room and spotted my phone on the fireplace mantel.

  “Crap! It’s dead.”

  “Stop yelling,” one of the women on the floor said.

  “Where’s Gertie’s laptop?” I asked.

  “Probably her room. What is going on? You’re starting to worry me.”

  I ran into Gertie’s room and drew up short when I saw one of the Sinful Ladies in bed with the blow-up doll. Neither of them had on enough clothes. I grabbed Gertie’s laptop off the nightstand and ran out, leaving Ida Belle standing in the doorway, staring at the sight on the bed with dismay. She was right on my heels when I got back to the kitchen and ran over to poke Gertie.

  “Get off the table,” she said. “We need to use it.”

  Gertie raised her head and smiled. “One more shot and I’m going to look twenty.”

  “If I were twenty years younger, Ricky,” Francis said.

  “Good God,” Ida Belle said and rolled Gertie to one side.

  I fired up the laptop and pulled up a satellite map of the area surrounding Silas’s house. I zoomed in and located the marina, then tracked down to about where his shack must be. Then I looked at the channel in front of it and the strip of land separating it from the lake behind.

  “What’s happening, Fortune?” Ida Belle asked.

  I looked at her and smiled. “I think I know how Silas killed Johnny.”

  It took us thirty minutes to rouse Gertie and another thirty to get Tricky Ricky and the other women out of her house, but finally the three of us were ready to roll. Except for one last thing.

  I looked at Gertie. “Do you have more fireworks? And dynamite?”

  “Is the pope Catholic?” Gertie asked.

  “The pope wears a funny hat,” Francis said. “Nobody prays for Celia. They don’t want her in heaven.”

  I grabbed a grape off the table and tossed it to Francis before we headed upstairs.

  It took a couple minutes for Ida Belle and me to get over the shock of what Gertie stored in one of her upstairs bedrooms and another fifteen minutes to find just the right combination of items—according to Gertie. I was more than a little concerned that one shelf in the room was dedicated solely to handbags, all with the retail tags still intact.

  Finally, Gertie was loaded up with the latest in bottle rockets, smoke bombs, and enough dynamite to level a small office building, so we headed out. We had just turned onto the highway when Gertie leaned forward and looked at Ida Belle and me.

  “So is anyone going to tell me where we’re going and why you have me carting around things you normally don’t want to know about?” she asked.

  It was only then that I realized in my rush to get us out the door, I hadn’t even told Gertie why.

  “You rushed Tricky Ricky out of your house and don’t even know why?” I asked.

  “You said we had to hurry,” Gertie said.

  “And that’s all it took?” I asked.

  “Look, you wind up in the middle of a lot of drama,” Gertie said. “But you don’t instigate any of it. If you wake me up first thing and ask me to pack up dynamite and rush out the door, I figure there’s a darned good reason.”

  I grinned. It was so great to have ride-or-die friends.

  “So is anyone going to tell me why we’re hurtling down the highway in the time machine at”—she checked her watch—“8:00 a.m.?”

  “Fortune thinks she knows how Silas killed Johnny,” Ida Belle said.

  Gertie let out a huge yell, then grabbed her head. “Awesome! How?”

  “She hasn’t told me yet,” Ida Belle said. “I just knew we needed to hurry.”

  “So where are we hurrying to?” Gertie asked.

  “Silas’s house,” I said. “There’s something I have to check before I go accusing the man of murder. I need evidence. It has to stick.”

  “And why do you need dynamite?” Gertie asked.

  “I’m going to need a diversion,” I said.

  “So you can do what?” Gertie asked.

  “Get Silas out of his house.”

  They both stared.

  “You’re going to go into Silas’s house?” Ida Belle asked. “Do you think that’s a good idea?”

  “It is if he’s not in it,” I said. “Hence, the necessary diversion.”

  “Can we just blow up the house with him in it?” Gertie asked.

  “That would blow us right past a trial and to the sentencing,” I said. “I’d like to get evidence and let him rot in prison. I can’t do that without the house intact.”

  “And what is it you think you’ll find?” Ida Belle asked.

  I told them.

  Ida Belle pulled into the convenience store parking lot and as I’d expected, our friends were already in their chairs, having a cup of coffee. They perked right up when we pulled in, both grinning as if Publisher’s Clearing House had just pulled up with checks. They both struggled a bit but insisted on rising as we approached. I couldn’t help smiling. Old-school manners still charmed the heck out of me.

  “Good morning, ladies,” Jeb said. “You’re out awfully early.”

  “We are, and we’re here to see if you can help us with something,” Ida Belle said.

  “Of course,” Wyatt said. “What do you need?”

  “Do you have a boat?” I asked.

  They both stared at me as if I’d lost my mind.

  “Never mind,” I said. “I need someone to take me down the channel in a boat.”

  “We can do that,” Jeb said. “Can we ask why?”

  “It’s your boat,” I said. “You can ask anything you’d like. I’m going to have you drop me off on the land behind Silas’s house. I want to sneak up on him.”

  They looked at each other, clearly wo
rried.

  “I don’t think that’s such a good idea,” Wyatt said. “Old Silas is a mean one. He’d sooner shoot you as talk to you. I’m surprised you got away without some buckshot in your vehicle at least.”

  “It’s very important,” I said. “You see, I think Silas killed Johnny and if I can get onto his property without him knowing, then I think I’ll be able to prove it.”

  Their eyes widened, and I would have bet money their pulses had just shot through the roof.

  “You’re kidding me!”

  “Well, why didn’t you say so!”

  They both spoke at once.

  “Of course we’ll help,” Jeb said. “Do we need weapons? Camouflage? I still have my sniper rifle.”

  “I don’t have one of those,” Wyatt said. “I flew copters.”

  Gertie smiled. “’Nam?”

  “Any man our ages worth his salt did his duty,” Jeb said.

  “Ida Belle and Gertie did their duty as well,” I said.

  They both stared.

  “Really?” Jeb asked. “Isn’t that something. I knew there were ladies overseas but I didn’t see any.”

  Wyatt nodded. “Now we know why we liked you guys straight off. What about you?” He looked at me.

  “Former spook,” I said.

  They both stared for a couple seconds, then laughed.

  “CIA? Good Lord Almighty, Silas doesn’t stand a chance,” Wyatt said. “Let me go put on my boots and hook up the boat.”

  “I’ll get my rifle,” Jeb said. “This might be the most exciting thing that’s happened since that buffalo fragging of 1964.”

  “When all this is over, you might have to tell me about that over a beer and one of those hot dogs,” Gertie said as she followed him to the door.

  He gave her a shy smile. “I’d love to.”

  “Lord help us all,” Ida Belle said.

  Wyatt shook his head as Jeb walked off. “He always gets the women with that sniper rifle thing. Nobody cares about helicopters.”

  “It’s not the rifle,” Ida Belle said. “It’s the fragging. Gertie has a thing for explosives.”

  “Really? She looks so sweet,” Wyatt said.

  “Don’t look in her purse,” I said.

  Wyatt looked a bit confused but nodded and headed for the store. “I don’t have a sniper rifle but I’ve got a good shotgun.”

  “Load ’em up then,” I said.

  “They’re not going to need weapons,” Ida Belle said.

  “I know, but they’re too excited for me to say no.”

  Ida Belle grinned. “Maybe you should work in senior services instead of this PI thing.”

  “I’d have everyone in jail inside of a week.”

  “Bet they’d all be happy about it.”

  I watched as Jeb and Wyatt came back, both of them stepping lively and grinning as though they’d just won the lottery. There was something to be said for not growing old gracefully.

  “How well do cell phones work on the bayou?” I asked.

  “Usually pretty good,” Jeb said. “But sometimes it can get sketchy.”

  “I have a CB in my SUV,” Ida Belle said.

  Wyatt perked up. “We have one in the boat.”

  “Put it on 1-9,” Ida Belle said.

  Jeb grinned. “I’ve always wanted to say ‘Breaker 1-9.’ My call name’s Bullseye.”

  “Mine’s Annie Oakley,” Ida Belle said.

  “I’m Vapor,” Wyatt said.

  “Vapor?” Ida Belle asked.

  “What he was usually running on before landing,” Jeb explained.

  “I’m Hurricane,” Gertie said.

  I laughed. “That’s appropriate.”

  They all looked at me.

  “What?” I asked. “My real name’s not Fortune. I got that in the CIA—soldiers of fortune…”

  “You said that was your nickname and you made it legal,” Ida Belle said. “But that doesn’t mean it was your call name.”

  “Out with it,” Gertie said.

  “Keyser Söze,” I said.

  Everyone was silent for a moment.

  “Don’t suppose you need that rifle after all,” Wyatt said to Jeb. “Looks like we got a younger pro on the job.”

  “Just when I thought you couldn’t get cooler,” Gertie said.

  Ida Belle grinned. “I like it.”

  “Then let’s get this show on the road,” I said. “Ida Belle, you and Gertie head for Silas’s place in the SUV but don’t get close enough for visual. You’ll have to stop and hike it for a bit to get line of sight for his place. Just try to position the SUV for a quick getaway if you need it.”

  “Silas isn’t going anywhere quickly with his back and knees,” Gertie said.

  “He doesn’t have to when he’s pointing a gun at you,” I reminded her. “Just shooting randomly into the brush he could get lucky. If you use the bottle rockets, position them somewhere, then light and leave the area as fast as possible. Same for the dynamite. I’ll signal when I’m in position and wait for the discharge before I move in.”

  “Then what?” Gertie asked. “We can’t just leave you there.”

  “I’m hoping a large enough explosion will send him into the woods to investigate,” I said. “I don’t need much time—only a couple minutes.”

  “I don’t suppose anyone figured on just calling the police?” Wyatt asked.

  “And tell them what?” I asked. “They can’t get a search warrant on speculation and if they ask questions, Silas will get rid of the evidence.”

  “To hell with that,” Jeb said. “Let’s do this.”

  “Don’t worry,” Gertie said. “We’ve done this sort of thing lots of times. I’m practically an expert with explosives.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Jeb and Wyatt didn’t look convinced of Gertie’s claim to expert explosives knowledge and Ida Belle knew better, but no one was willing to let Silas out of their grasp now that I might have a fix on him. Heck, Jeb and Wyatt didn’t even know what I knew but were still willing to stick their necks out, which just proved the point of how much people hated the man.

  I climbed into an old Ford with Jeb and Wyatt and we headed for the marina. Ida Belle and Gertie took off for the road to Silas’s house, figuring traipsing through the woods to find the perfect spot for the diversion might take a bit of time. Wyatt and Jeb were quiet as we drove, passing looks to each other that were both hopeful and fearful at the same time.

  “You really think you can pin Johnny’s death on Silas?” Wyatt finally asked.

  “I hope so,” I said. “That’s what all this risk is about.”

  “What made you go on this search?” Jeb asked. “I thought you were checking into Molly’s disappearance.”

  “I was,” I said. “But I kept hearing the same things over and over again from people who knew Johnny well and I couldn’t stand the inconsistencies. I never even knew the man but I have a hard time believing he had an accident.”

  “Me and Jeb always said as much,” Wyatt said. “But we couldn’t figure out how it could have been any other way. Did you figure out anything on Molly?”

  “Oh yeah,” I said. “Her boyfriend and his side piece were arrested for her murder Thursday.”

  They both hooted at once and then sobered. I understood exactly how they felt. Happy that someone was going to pay and yet somehow guilty for celebrating when a good person was gone.

  “Did you have anything to do with that arrest?” Wyatt asked.

  “I might have provided a deputy with some valuable information,” I said.

  “I bet he wasn’t happy about a PI getting the best of him,” Jeb said.

  “He’s rarely happy when it happens but it’s not an ego thing,” I said. “He’s sort of my boyfriend.”

  They both stared for a couple seconds, then Jeb started chuckling. Then Wyatt. By the time we turned into the marina, they both had tears running down their faces.

  “You are a pistol,” Wyatt said.<
br />
  “Probably going to be the death of that deputy,” Jeb said.

  “He was Force Recon,” I said. “He can handle me.”

  “Oh Lord,” Jeb said. “A spook and a Marine. It’s like something out of a movie.”

  “Not until we get the bad guy,” I said as we launched their bass boat.

  A couple minutes later, we were speeding down the bayou and in no time, we pulled up to a dilapidated dock with an old bass boat tied up to it.

  “I see Silas keeps his dock and boat in as good a shape as his house,” I said.

  “He won’t spend a nickel unless he has to,” Wyatt said. “Unless, of course, it’s gambling.”

  “You sure you’re going to be all right?” Jeb asked.

  “Positive,” I said. “When I get close enough to make my move, I’ll let Gertie know to start the diversion. As soon as Silas leaves his house, I’ll make sure I’m right, then I’ll head back here and we’ll call the police.”

  “What do we do in the meantime?” Wyatt asked.

  “Just sit tight,” I said. “And turn the boat around and be ready to launch quickly, just in case.”

  They both nodded, not needing an explanation of what ‘just in case’ might entail.

  “We should disable Silas’s boat,” Jeb said. “That way, if things go south, he can’t follow us, at least.”

  “Or get away,” Wyatt said. “The last thing the police want to have to do is chase an old-timer like Silas in these bayous. He could lose them in a second.”

  “Good idea,” I said, and climbed onto the rickety dock, then looked back at them. “Promise me that no matter what you hear, you will stay put.”

  They glanced at each other and I could tell neither wanted to do it.

  “I mean it,” I said. “I’d be in a heap of trouble for getting you involved in this. You’re not police or one of my employees.”

  “Well, we don’t want you in any trouble,” Jeb said.

  “Good,” I said. “This will all be over soon and then we’ll celebrate.”

  “I like the sound of that,” Wyatt said.

  I pulled out my pistol and headed into the trees. I found Silas’s path to his house and made quick work of traversing the wooded area to the back of the clearing where Silas’s house stood. I worked my way around the tree line, checking both sides of the house to find the easiest point of access. On the left side of the house, near the front, I hit the jackpot. A section of the lattice that skirted the bottom of the house was missing entirely.